Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better. 

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week. 

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through. 

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate. 

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial. 

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover. 

What would you do? 

Thank you.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, LaPL said:

What would you do? 

I would not move him in my home with me and my child or help him clear his debt.  He made it and would have to pay it off or file for bankruptcy.  I'd probably move on with my life and just worry about my child.

[basil67]

Do not let someone who is financially insecure move in.  Why?  Because if things go pearshaped, he'll have nowhere to go and you'll be stuck with him or feeling guilty about pushing him out.    On top of that, you're still processing a whole lot of (justifiably )negative emotions about him.  

What's his current living situation?   Can he move to a cheaper area and into a share house?   And what about dating....has he been splashing money about on nice dates with you?    Honestly, I'd be wanting him to prove that he has the skills to get himself out of this hole.  And I wouldn't be considering a future with someone who isn't smart about money.

Importantly, how did he get himself into such a hole in the first place?    

Edited March 21, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, LaPL said:

,I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, 

Sorry this is happening.  Did he hide this or were there signs of his insolvency? It seems he suddenly pulled this information out when you talked about weddings. Step back and reflect. It may be best to finalize your divorce.

[basil67]

To add to my previous post, this would be a dealbreaker for me.   Being able to manage finances is a basic skill I'd expect from a partner.  And keeping his six figure insolvency a secret just makes it so much worse.

Very disappointing when he's spent so much time lying by omission.  Even if you helped him get his finances stable again, how can you trust that he won't do it again and take you down with him?

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, LaPL said:

 and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. 

What a horrible idea.  Do not do this.  This man has showed you that he is a liar and you can't trust him.  He's basically been lying to you for your entire relationship, telling you that he's financially stable when that's not the truth, and hiding this massive debt.  You cannot "help" him get out of this mess.  You are considering attaching yourself to a person who is in massive debt, and ruining yourself financially in the process.  It's not just your life you are playing with, you have a child that you are responsible for.  You shouldn't be playing games like this.  If he was capable of lying to you the first time, you have no idea if he might lie again.  Wake up and detach yourself from this before he does serious harm to you financially.  

Your dream is to buy a house.  You cannot do that with someone who is six figures in debt.  Are you hearing yourself?  If you want marriage and a house then you better start looking for another boyfriend.

[glows]

He discussed this with you thankfully before marrying you or moving in with you. He could have made up some cocked up story that led to moving in with you without talk of buying together. This could have been a lot worse. 

It’s a good thing he has been honest now but it involved a relationship, broken trust and a child. Your child got to know him and believed anything he portrayed of himself, the same way you believed all of it. 

It’s not necessarily the debt but that he didn’t disclose it for so long. Lie by omission. Can you see yourself being responsible for the both of you and your child? I’d be careful as a person who can live beyond their means to this extent or keep a secret like this takes a different kind of mindset. Now mind you, we don’t know what caused that debt. Do you know?

I’m not sure I’d be able to reconcile the situation based on this little info or be able to trust the overall character. 

 

Edited March 22, 2023 by glows

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, LaPL said:

He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him.

This is what makes this so hard for you OP.

But moving him in while he spends years paying off these debts could result in you resenting him.

If he is as genuine as described above then maybe it will work.

Follow your heart.

 

[wcutu]

I married a “wonderful” man more than thirty years ago. He has committed varying levels of financial infidelity (hidden credit cards to IRS fraud) our entire marriage. He lies so easily that he honestly doesn’t understand that saying something he wishes were true doesn’t actually equal saying something that IS true.  This goes for lies about money and lies about everything else.  He believes that because he doesn’t want to lie or engage in poor financial behaviors that my negative responses are completely unreasonable.
 

All of this to say please do not move forward with a more formal relationship (living together, marriage) until he alone addresses his money issue and his inability to be truthful with you all along about his financial status. It will lead to a lifetime of heartache, stress, and instability for you and your child. 

[Weezy1973]

Don’t have him move in. Even if it seems like the kind thing to do for someone you love. You don’t want to make his finances your responsibility. It doesn’t mean you have to break up with him, but just explain that he has to show you over the next couple of years that he can take care of his finances. 
 

And again depends where you live, but as an aside, if you have a joint mortgage application, most lenders will just use the highest credit score of the two borrowers. So his low credit score shouldn’t hinder the application. Although the payments he’s making on his debt will impact how much you qualify for based on debt to income ratios.

[PersiaRae562]

In the movies love heals all wounds and love conquers all.

But in real life, this is not the case.  To be blunt, you can't afford to center your life around someone who is in this much debt.  Think of yourself as a lifeboat with a very limited capacity to float.  Right now, you have yourself, and your child.  This man, is equivalent to a 2000 lb lead weight that will EASILY sink your boat.

You simply can't tolerate this amount of weight.  It is not right, it is not wrong, it is just the way it is.

SO sorry, you must cut ties

[mark clemson]

Some people use debt to create a facade of prosperity and a lavish lifestyle. It appears he is one of those and either (a) wanted you to know before committing OR (b) wanted to establish a "bond" with you before revealing what he's ACTUALLY like. It's also possible he's a "commitment-phobe" and has found a way/reason to end things.

I would strongly suggest you steer clear of this man now that you know his issues. IF you were to "follow your heart" and marry him, his financial problems would presumably become yours...

[Els]

In your place the main thing I would want to know is what got him into that hole? Was it gambling or irresponsible spending? Or, especially if you are in the US, did a family member fall sick? Also, if he has had a good job and hasn't spent anything for 2 years, why isn't the debt being paid off?

The answer to that would probably determine whether I stay or go. But getting him to move in - that's a terrible idea regardless. Depending on where you live, it may not be easy, legally-speaking, to kick him out once he lives with you if he will be homeless when you do. Don't even go there.

[Gaeta]

It's not the only secret he's keeping.

A man with a good job with only himself to worry about does not accummulate 6 digits credit cards debts without having some sort of addiction like gaming, escorts, drugs or spending addiction. 

He said he has not accummulate debts in past 2 years, don't take his words for it.

Do not move him in. 

[Will am I]

One principle that I try to live by:

I’m always halpy to be part of the solution, but I refuse to take ownership of the problem.

The thin line is when managing or fixing the problem becomes an expectation. 

I’m afraid that this idea of moving in crosses that line. Your help becomes structural and necessary. And you expose yourself and your child to bill collectors. Essentially his problems become your problems if you move in.

[BaileyB]

I too would want to know how - because, this isn’t just a few thousand dollars in credit card debt… He likely owes more than he makes in a year and that speaks to a very significant problem  and an unhealthy relationship with money/debt. 

In no way would I move this man into my home, marry him, or buy a home with him. It would be a deal breaker for me. 

Edited March 25, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/21/2023 at 10:43 PM, LaPL said:

I know this is the right thing to do

Assuming you mean having him move in with you is "the right thing to do", it absolutely is not. 

Something is really wrong if he has 6-figure credit card debt and needs to declare bankruptcy. There are things he's not telling you about how he got there, and that combined with his misleading presentation of where he is financially would really put me off. No way would I welcome him to live with me. 

[Wiseman2]

On 3/21/2023 at 5:43 PM, LaPL said:

: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding.

Is it possible he simply wants to discontinue talking about fairytale weddings when you're not even divorced yet? It's odd you saw no signs of financial problems until the wedding talks began.

Clearly bailing him out in any way is not in the best interest of your child, nor consistent with what you want. Whether he's really this insolvent or just told you that to stop the fantasy dream wedding, dream lifestyle talks is unclear. But either way, this seems like the end of the road.

 

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

Debt is indicative of a larger personality issue depending on how he acquired such debt.  I think it's important you understand exactly how he arrived in the situation he's in, that should determine how you proceed.  

[Uther2023]

I agree with all the previous posters who have emphasized that you need full disclosure of his financial situation to make an informed decision. Fundamentally, if he lied to you like this, I would take a deep breath and seriously reconsider if this relationship is worth keeping.

Everyone wants to be happy, and it sounds like you get along well with him and really thought it could work. I understand the pain and frustration of having to accept the relationship you thought you had is now lost. But it is still lost. 

You will find someone who is honest with you and can make you happy. The foundation of any good relationship is honesty and communication. 

 

[pepperbird2]

You would move in with him just because you want a house and can’t do so alone?

why would you do that? 

[Acacia98]

On 3/22/2023 at 12:43 AM, LaPL said:

 I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? 

(...)

What would you do? 

Why do you say you know this is the right thing to do? You can't possibly know that. Remember:

1. He had just told you about his financial situation for the first time. That means you had no conception of the breadth and depth of his financial woes.

2. If he has lied about this one important thing, he could very well have lied about other things, major as well as minor. In other words, it is possible that you do not know this man at all.

You have a child. You cannot afford to throw yourself into the deep end with this guy, assuming it's your responsibility to rescue him. Your first priorities should always be your child and yourself.

You are under no obligation whatsoever to move in with this guy or marry him. And you should certainly feel betrayed, shocked, bitter, and frightened for your financial future and your child's well-being. Hold on tightly to those feelings and let them guide you as you make decisions going forward.

Edited April 21, 2023 by Acacia98