Hiding things

[Martin1234]

Hi,

So me and my partner have been together for 3 years now and have had what has seemed to be a very close relationship and tell each other everything. On Saturday she went out with her friends on a night out. She was saying at her friends house after as didn't have money to get taxi to get home. For context, this friend has a boyfriend who in my opinion doesn't care about.

So long story short it gets to 4am and she calls me as she's back in bed at her friends and begins to tell me about her night (i had stayed up to make sure she got back safe as it was around a 30 minute walk from the club to her friends walking at a decent pace). She tells me a little about her night and then we go to sleep on the phone.

The next day I tried to speak to her about a potential issue we had, which in my opinion she completely dramatized even though i had been calm and explained that i was just trying to fix a clear issue we have. She cancels our plans for that day and then at night we are on the phone, with her just being nasty. She then tells me 'I also deliberately didn't tell you that I walked home with a boy i didn't know last night from the club' with her excuse being 'i knew you'd ask questions and i couldn't be bothered'.We had been on the phone when she was in bed that night (which would have been just after this had happened. she also openly admitted that she deliberately hid this from me). 

I ask about the situation and she refuses to give many details other than that her and her friend had left the club and gone to get food. Her friend then sees 2 boys (one she recognizes one she doesn't know). She says to the one she recognizes and she remembers him from a class and then from there they speak. Then they start walking. Instead of all walking together, the friend (baring in mind this girl has a boyfriend) and the boy she recognized walk ahead and my girlfriend and this random boy neither of them know walk behind and talk themselves for this long walk. I dont see any reason for this as it's not as if the friend and the boy would be flirting as she has a boyfriend, so why didn't all 4 of them walk together. Even if this friend was cheating, why would they not all walk together and why would my gf be walking herself with a guy she didnt know when she was meant to be with her friend. Of course, this being a question anyone would ask, I ask my girlfriend why she was walking alone with a guy she didn't know at 4am when she was staying at her friends and they could all have walked together. There was no reason to be walking and talking with a guy she didn't know separately as her and her friend were in relationships and the girl also barely knew the guy from the class.

After asking this she tells me she's not telling me why she was by herself with him the full way, told me that every time i ask she isn't seeing me for a week, and once it gets to 3 weeks of me asking and her not seeing me she would be done (and set a reminder on her phone for the 'done' date). She also then said if im going to continue to want to know that then we are done. She deliberately hid this from me in the first place, i cant see any reason that they would be walking separately, especially since my gf would have been left with someone she didnt know and all this stuff about not telling me. She makes it seem like im the one in the wrong (and this is why i think she dramatized the issue i tried to fix and make it out as if i said something i very clearly didn't).

I'm not stupid and I know this isn't right, but everything open to interpretation. I've told my friends and they think im an idiot for still being with her. Her friend of course is acting like shes done nothing wrong (and maybe convincing her that they didn't), but this friend is the last person id want to be in a relationship with with the things she says.

Edited March 22, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[JTSW]

She hasn't done anything wrong, apart from they way she speaks to you.

She could do with working on her attitude.

She didn't cheat and her friend was catching up with an old classmate.

What should she and the other guy have done? Just completely ignore each other and walk in silence?

They were just chatting.

You seem to have some insecurities when it comes to relationships.

 

[Alpacalia]

It is not your place to determine what is right and wrong in a relationship. It is only your responsibility to decide what is right or wrong for you and your relationship.

Your girlfriend's decision to not be honest with you about her night out was not a good one, and her friend's behavior was also inappropriate.

If your girlfriend has been hiding something from you, it's likely a sign that there is a lack of trust or that she has something she does not want you to know. This should be addressed and taken seriously.

Be aware of the context of the situation as well. It is possible that your girlfriend's actions were harmless, and you need not worry. Your girlfriend may have been feeling uncomfortable or unsafe and didn't want to be alone, so she decided to walk with someone she didn't know.

Ask her to explain her reasoning for walking with the boy, and see if she is willing to explain why she felt it was necessary to leave you out of the loop. Is her friend's behavior in line with what you want in a relationship? If not, then you may want to take a step back and evaluate if this is the kind of influence you want in your life.

Edited March 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

Is this a distance situation? Is she away at college? 

 

[glows]

Walking home at 4am possibly still drunk or tipsy and exhausted probably isn’t a good idea. I’m perplexed why you’re not more trusting of your girlfriend and glad that she’s safe.

Instead you’re bothered she walked with a guy. Don’t let jealousy get the better of you and your relationships. She called you at the end of the night. Although I’m not sure why you’d stay up for that. I’m assuming both your sleeps were complete sh*te and you were both underslept for the next day? To then have to deal with a jealous boyfriend or let yourself get worked up over this on a bad sleep the night before makes no sense. 

I do see the issue of her keeping it from you and that’s the bigger issue here. She doesn’t trust your reactions and you don’t seem to trust her judgment. What a toxic mess. Both of you have to learn to trust each other more. Why go out so late if one can’t afford a taxi or pool together for a ride with friends? You may want to rethink whether you’re a match for each other. Her calling you so late or telling you about her night makes me wonder if she felt she had to or else get questioned later or meet any suspicions if she didn’t report to you.

To be frank, from the sounds of how she’s speaking to you it sounds like there is FAR more that’s unsettling in the relationship and she has one foot out the door. Maybe you realize this and feel insecure and get jealous easily or perhaps your jealousy is the root cause.

If my partner threatened the relationship like that (in how she has with you) in ending it I’d be long gone. The last thing I would continue doing is bringing up an issue like this. She no longer wants to discuss it so be respectful regardless if you stay together or go your separate ways.

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

see if she is willing to explain why she felt it was necessary to leave you out of the loop.

I think it might be because she knew what his reaction would be.

He sounds very insecure.

[Ray_xx]

3 hours ago, Martin1234 said:

Hi,

So me and my partner have been together for 3 years now and have had what has seemed to be a very close relationship and tell each other everything. On Saturday she went out with her friends on a night out. She was saying at her friends house after as didn't have money to get taxi to get home. For context, this friend has a boyfriend who in my opinion doesn't care about.

So long story short it gets to 4am and she calls me as she's back in bed at her friends and begins to tell me about her night (i had stayed up to make sure she got back safe as it was around a 30 minute walk from the club to her friends walking at a decent pace). She tells me a little about her night and then we go to sleep on the phone.

The next day I tried to speak to her about a potential issue we had, which in my opinion she completely dramatized even though i had been calm and explained that i was just trying to fix a clear issue we have. She cancels our plans for that day and then at night we are on the phone, with her just being nasty. She then tells me 'I also deliberately didn't tell you that I walked home with a boy i didn't know last night from the club' with her excuse being 'i knew you'd ask questions and i couldn't be bothered'.We had been on the phone when she was in bed that night (which would have been just after this had happened. she also openly admitted that she deliberately hid this from me). 

I ask about the situation and she refuses to give many details other than that her and her friend had left the club and gone to get food. Her friend then sees 2 boys (one she recognizes one she doesn't know). She says to the one she recognizes and she remembers him from a class and then from there they speak. Then they start walking. Instead of all walking together, the friend (baring in mind this girl has a boyfriend) and the boy she recognized walk ahead and my girlfriend and this random boy neither of them know walk behind and talk themselves for this long walk. I dont see any reason for this as it's not as if the friend and the boy would be flirting as she has a boyfriend, so why didn't all 4 of them walk together. Even if this friend was cheating, why would they not all walk together and why would my gf be walking herself with a guy she didnt know when she was meant to be with her friend. Of course, this being a question anyone would ask, I ask my girlfriend why she was walking alone with a guy she didn't know at 4am when she was staying at her friends and they could all have walked together. There was no reason to be walking and talking with a guy she didn't know separately as her and her friend were in relationships and the girl also barely knew the guy from the class.

After asking this she tells me she's not telling me why she was by herself with him the full way, told me that every time i ask she isn't seeing me for a week, and once it gets to 3 weeks of me asking and her not seeing me she would be done (and set a reminder on her phone for the 'done' date). She also then said if im going to continue to want to know that then we are done. She deliberately hid this from me in the first place, i cant see any reason that they would be walking separately, especially since my gf would have been left with someone she didnt know and all this stuff about not telling me. She makes it seem like im the one in the wrong (and this is why i think she dramatized the issue i tried to fix and make it out as if i said something i very clearly didn't).

I'm not stupid and I know this isn't right, but everything open to interpretation. I've told my friends and they think im an idiot for still being with her. Her friend of course is acting like shes done nothing wrong (and maybe convincing her that they didn't), but this friend is the last person id want to be in a relationship with with the things she says.

Firstly. she is insecure and young. I know these two things as I remember saying similar things to my ex boyfriends when I was in my 20s. She wants a reaction off you which is why she told you about the boy, but then thrown her self in, realised she shouldn't have told you and twists it now by saying if you ask me again we are done. She is an immature kid who is trying to grip some power over you. She doesn't know herself yet nor relationships! I would take my foot off the gas with her as I am not convinced this is your longer life partner.

Edited March 22, 2023 by Ray_xx

[Lisa]

Closure request by OP