Should You Thank Your Ex's New Partner for a Gift?

[Alpacalia]

I wanted to see what the consensus was on exes after reading another thread.

When your ex's new partner gives you a gift and you do not thank them for it, even if your ex and you have a cordial relationship and have been apart for a very long time, would it still be considered impolite? This reunion no one was expected to bring a gift, nor did anyone else bring anything. No birthdays or anything of that nature.

I hadn't seen my ex in a couple of years but we on occasion reach out to the other just to say hi and what not. He, his girlfriend, and I were at a reunion for myself and former classmates. My ex is someone I dated when I was 17.

My first reaction was, "Huh, why did she give me a present?"

My ex told me it was impolite not to thank her.

The gesture was just unusual to me initially so I kind of just froze, smiled and said that it was thoughtful of her.

I'm thinking maybe a thank you card or something is the right thing to do here?

[FMW]

With the information you've provided, it sounds really odd that this person would give you a gift.  That being said, if someone gives me something my automatic response is to say thank you, without thinking it through immediately.  You did say it was thoughtful of her, so it's not like you didn't acknowledge it at all.  

It depends on what the gift was whether or not I would send a thank you card.  If sending one feels right, then go ahead and do so.  But if you still feel odd or awkward about it I'm not sure I would.  

[ShyViolet]

You should always thank anyone for a gift, unless it's some unusual circumstance where the person is being really manipulative, stalkerish, etc.  Which it doesn't sound like this is.

If you thanked her in the moment when she gave it to you, I don't think you need to send a thank-you card.

It is very strange indeed that she gave you a gift out of nowhere.

[Lotsgoingon]

I say forget etiquette. Did you feel like thanking her? If not, don't thank her.

I used to get into a lot of emotional trouble thanking people I didn't want to thank under some sense of obligation. Disastrous. Seems like it's superficial but if I didn't pick my words carefully, I would start writing misleading cards and next thing I know I'm hanging out with people out of politeness and etiquette. So in your situation I would not write a card.

But if I did, here is the challenge: how do I write a thank you note that feels good and safe and comfortable and authentic to me? If writing a thank you note feels like it's painful or forces me to thank someone I don't feel close to at all, then I feel no obligation for a formal thank you. If her giving the gift feels like it was bizarre and out of place, you are under no obligation to go against your judgment and pretend that it was normal. 

You are also under no obligation to thank her because her bf (your ex) said so. Why doesn't he just keep to himself? 

Now I would say before writing a thank you card (if you decide to go that way) to take a second and think about if there is some agenda going on here. Is your ex secretly trying to get you two to be friends? Or is she trying to become a friend out of some agenda with her bf. 

BTW: you said "thoughtful" to her. That's enough of a thank you in my view. 

[basil67]

Freezing and not knowing what to say when someone puts us in an uncomfortable position is a thing.  Totally something I'd do.

Assuming that you explained this to your ex and he explains it to her, nothing more is needed.   And besides, you don't want to encourage further gift giving as it may get out of hand.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Freezing and not knowing what to say when someone puts us in an uncomfortable position is a thing.  Totally something I'd do.

Assuming that you explained this to your ex and he explains it to her, nothing more is needed.   And besides, you don't want to encourage further gift giving as it may get out of hand.

 

 

Like a deer caught in headlights.

The gesture was unexpected, yes.

My original thought was that it was a thank you for helping them get a rescue puppy from the shelter I used to work at. Almost a year ago, that was.

I just wasn't expecting a gift out of the blue. My ex did a lot for me when we were together, so I was pleased to help with the pup.

Moreover, I think that describing it as thoughtful would have been sufficient.

There is no indication of what crawled up his butt and took offense that I didn't say thank you, but it may have just been a matter of supporting his girlfriend.

[basil67]

I appreciate that he could have been supporting his girlfriend...but there's a difference between telling her "yes, dear you're right" to actually telling you what he thought.   

At any rate, I hope this blows over.  You won't get any more gifts and hopefully your comment that it was thoughtful will suffice in terms of thanks. 

 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

My original thought was that it was a thank you for helping them get a rescue puppy from the shelter I used to work at. Almost a year ago, that was.

This actually makes sense. I was under the impression that you were pretty much strangers to each other before, but doing something like this would take you out of the stranger category, especially if she's grown to love the puppy. Your ex may have done plenty to help you before, but I'm guessing she wasn't in the picture then, so that's not a point of reference for her. Alternatively, she may not be comfortable that there's this history of reciprocity that excludes her. So she's inserting herself into the interaction by giving you a gift.

Of course it's always possible that there's more to the story of her giving you the gift, but we would probably need more info before we came to that conclusion.

Edited March 23, 2023 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

 it may have just been a matter of supporting his girlfriend.

This seems like a likely theory. She was offended somehow and told him. Maybe it's best to step back from him a bit.

[JTSW]

It's better to be polite and always thank someone if they give you a gift.

I don't think it matters who it is, it's who you portray yourself to be in response.

[stillafool]

I probably would have said, "thank you, but what's this for?" when she handed it to me.  I certainly can understand why you were speechless though.  Did you ex say why she gave you the present?  It seems to me he should have told her that it was inappropriate to give you a gift and that you would view it as weird.  Most people would.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

This actually makes sense. I was under the impression that you were pretty much strangers to each other before, but doing something like this would take you out of the stranger category, especially if she's grown to love the puppy. Your ex may have done plenty to help you before, but I'm guessing she wasn't in the picture then, so that's not a point of reference for her. Alternatively, she may not be comfortable that there's this history of reciprocity that excludes her. So she's inserting herself into the interaction by giving you a gift.

Of course it's always possible that there's more to the story of her giving you the gift, but we would probably need more info before we came to that conclusion.

He called me over a year ago and we were catching up when he mentioned wanting to adopt a dog, so I gave him a few contacts to get started on the adoption process. 

Giving me the gift was strange.

I don't speak or see him much for it to be a big deal, but I wasn't certain if I was stuck in my own headspace by not saying thank you.

 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Like a deer caught in headlights.

The gesture was unexpected, yes.

My original thought was that it was a thank you for helping them get a rescue puppy from the shelter I used to work at. Almost a year ago, that was.

I just wasn't expecting a gift out of the blue. My ex did a lot for me when we were together, so I was pleased to help with the pup.

Moreover, I think that describing it as thoughtful would have been sufficient.

There is no indication of what crawled up his butt and took offense that I didn't say thank you, but it may have just been a matter of supporting his girlfriend.

Now I see it was for the help to get the puppy.  She wanted to show her gratitude.

I think describing it as "throughtful" was true and sufficient.  Why is your ex so senstive to such a small detail between you and his date.  Seems like he was trying to make more of it than warranted.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Why is your ex so senstive to such a small detail between you and his date.  Seems like he was trying to make more of it than warranted.

I am uncertain.

It's possible that he may be sensitive about my interactions with his girlfriend, but the issue is that I don't know her well. During our phone conversation, he mentioned her to me and I only met her that evening. Our conversation was pleasant and I enjoyed meeting her.

Given that he and I don't have much contact, I'm not sure why he thought I was rude.

Based on our past history when we were dating, I can only speculate on the situation. Towards the end of our relationship, I wasn't the best girlfriend despite his efforts to support me.

Perhaps I am also being a bit sensitive to that myself.

Edited March 23, 2023 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Given that he and I don't have much contact, I'm not sure why he thought I was rude.

I wouldn't be surprised if she complained to him that you didn't say "thank you" and that is why he had to bring it up.  She is probably still insecure because you're his ex even though she gave you the gift.  

[mark clemson]

Shouldn't hurt. I think in this particular case the Ex's partner is starting to consider you as part of their social group. This is not overly common I think, but in your case it's been a long time + presumably they are not overly concerned with the occasional hello/how are you's. A bit tricky of a situation (just a little bit), but here I think sending the thank you card makes sense. It seems like she's essentially acknowledging that you are part of their circle of friends.

Edited March 23, 2023 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Shouldn't hurt. I think in this particular case the Ex's partner is starting to consider you as part of their social group. This is not overly common I think, but in your case it's been a long time + presumably they are not overly concerned with the occasional hello/how are you's. A bit tricky of a situation (just a little bit), but here I think sending the thank you card makes sense. It seems like she's essentially acknowledging that you are part of their circle of friends.

Thanks, Mark. 

I'm not sure that's the case. These are mutual friends of my ex and I that were at the reunion from when we were younger. 

 

 

[Cheeksoft]

Maybe dont think much about it. Eventhou its looks weird...

But maybe she just wanted to be freinds or nice. 

But just let your ex know you said thank you and found it a bit weird cause it was no occasion for a gift. But thanks and bye...😅😅🤣

[Alpacalia]

It was thoughtful of her to give me the gift when he was there, and I mentioned that at the time, so I thought that was enough. However, he called me a few weeks later and brought it up again and asked me to go out to dinner with him, her, and my current partner the next time I am in town. He persisted, however, and I eventually had to explain that instead maybe I'll just send her a thank you card.

[FMW]

So it sounds like this ex is someone you from time to time catch up with, not someone who is currently a meaningful part of your life.  I think I would feel uncomfortable if an ex that I had only occasional contact with was making efforts for me to socialize with him and his girlfriend.  I''m sure that some exes are on close  enough terms to hang out together as couples with their current partners, but I think that would be the exception, not the rule.

Based on what you've shared, I don't think you were rude about your acknowledgment of her gift, and I certainly don't think you owe her anything else just because your ex made an issue of it.  His bringing it up more than once is really odd, and I would feel uncomfortable about it.  I feel uncomfortable about it on your behalf!  I would also think his current girlfriend would be less than thrilled about his interest in you all getting together.  Unless there is some reason you feel you need to maintain an ongoing relationship with the ex, I would not encourage the idea of spending time together and politely keep my distance. Otherwise you might have more odd experiences in the future.  

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, FMW said:

So it sounds like this ex is someone you from time to time catch up with, not someone who is currently a meaningful part of your life.  I think I would feel uncomfortable if an ex that I had only occasional contact with was making efforts for me to socialize with him and his girlfriend.  I''m sure that some exes are on close  enough terms to hang out together as couples with their current partners, but I think that would be the exception, not the rule.

Based on what you've shared, I don't think you were rude about your acknowledgment of her gift, and I certainly don't think you owe her anything else just because your ex made an issue of it.  His bringing it up more than once is really odd, and I would feel uncomfortable about it.  I feel uncomfortable about it on your behalf!  I would also think his current girlfriend would be less than thrilled about his interest in you all getting together.  Unless there is some reason you feel you need to maintain an ongoing relationship with the ex, I would not encourage the idea of spending time together and politely keep my distance. Otherwise you might have more odd experiences in the future.  

Correct and agree.

Although I understand the desire to stay on good terms with former partners, I don't think it's necessary to spend time with them when you're in a relationship, or to hang out with them in general. I just think there needs to be a certain amount of distance.

[Acacia98]

On 3/23/2023 at 5:38 PM, Alpacalia said:

He called me over a year ago and we were catching up when he mentioned wanting to adopt a dog, so I gave him a few contacts to get started on the adoption process. 

Giving me the gift was strange.

I don't speak or see him much for it to be a big deal, but I wasn't certain if I was stuck in my own headspace by not saying thank you.

 

Aah... I see. The clarifying posts make a difference to my understanding of the situation. IMO, when you said the gift was thoughtful, that was an expression of appreciation. You don't have to literally say, "Thank you," to express gratitude, just like you don't have to literally say, "Greetings," to convey greetings. 😁

I think your ex is doing too much. I don't know what his motivations are, but I would resent my ex if he put me in the same situation. In all honesty, I would subsequently pull back from interaction with him. I don't see why he would be trying to control my interaction with his current girlfriend. I'm not a child and neither is she. And if they have some weird kind of dynamic that is influencing his behavior, I don't want to be part of it.

[Acacia98]

On 3/24/2023 at 5:55 PM, Alpacalia said:

 However, he called me a few weeks later and brought it up again and asked me to go out to dinner with him, her, and my current partner the next time I am in town. He persisted, however, and I eventually had to explain that instead maybe I'll just send her a thank you card.

I'm curious. Is your ex generally the type of person who is pushy and has to get his way?

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Aah... I see. The clarifying posts make a difference to my understanding of the situation. IMO, when you said the gift was thoughtful, that was an expression of appreciation. You don't have to literally say, "Thank you," to express gratitude, just like you don't have to literally say, "Greetings," to convey greetings. 😁

I think your ex is doing too much. I don't know what his motivations are, but I would resent my ex if he put me in the same situation. In all honesty, I would subsequently pull back from interaction with him. I don't see why he would be trying to control my interaction with his current girlfriend. I'm not a child and neither is she. And if they have some weird kind of dynamic that is influencing his behavior, I don't want to be part of it.

Thanks. 

Yes, I agree that he is doing too much.

His reaction was excessive and it was not cool to put me in such an uncomfortable situation.

If his feelings were hurt, I would certainly be sensitive to that. However, it's not my job to guess what's going on in his head. If he wants to talk about it, I'm willing to listen and offer support, but I'm not going to pry or pressure him into talking about something he's not ready to share.

5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I'm curious. Is your ex generally the type of person who is pushy and has to get his way?

No, not at all.

A recent example, he often encouraged and supported me in my pursuit of a 2nd degree, expressing how proud he was of me and volunteering to help in any way he could (when we were both single).

He was a wonderful and loyal boyfriend when we were together. He always showed me respect and kindness, and was willing to compromise when needed. He respected my boundaries, was generous with his time and effort, and was honest and open in his communication with me. I regret the way I handled our breakup when we were younger; I was insensitive and acted selfishly.

Prior to this, there would be a few passing conversations every few years or so and then that would be the end of it.

Edited March 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

What was the gift and why did she give it to you at the reunion?