He said he only see me as a friend after doing everything lovers do

[ValuebleCockroach993]

So I(24M)'ve been seeing this guy (25M) for a few months. He flirted with me first and we vibe quite well and we've done things what I believe most people consider to be romantic. But he said he sees me as just a friend. We're from different cultures so idk of this could be a cultural misunderstanding. But we're both very much exposed to western culture, he more so than me. 

Here are some things we've done: sex, hugging, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, embracing, feeding each other. Sometimes we would also speak for hours on the phone. 

So what do you guys think? By your standards, is this considered friendly or Romantic? How wrong or right was I to assume it was Romantic? 

This was my first 'relationship'. He's been in dozens. So I'm very new to these feelings and would like some advice. 

P.S: idk if this makes any difference but we're gay.

P.S3: When asked yesterday he did say he was trying to 'groom' and care for me since I was new to dating. I did tell him on our first 'date' a few months ago that I had a crush on him. So idk how he thinks this would be helpful at all to my mental wellbeing. Any ideas? 

I didn't have any feelings for him until he started holding my hands and letting me embrace him. I don't know what to do now. I feel very hurt and worthless since this is my first time ever being with somebody and I'm treated like a play thing. I didn't see any red flags at the beginning but saw that he was emotionally very reserved and apparently had to deal with a lot of trauma in the past. The problem is I'm new to this country and he's the only guy I hang out with. So I'm extremely vulnerable to emotional trauma as well from all this. Leaving him wouldn't do well for me either. He showed me the world. It feels very hard to let go. He said we can continue dating but he doesn't seem to care about me one bit. 

tl;dr: dated a guy for a few months, did everything that lovers do: hugs, cuddles, sex, holding hands, embracing, feeding, etc. But he says he only sees me as a friend. Should I continue seeing him, or go out of my comfort zone and find someone else, which is quite hard as I've never vibed with somebody as strongly as with him. 

[JTSW]

If he only see's you as a friend then do not sleep/cuddle/kiss/embrace with him ever again.

He wants the physical stuff without the relationship label.

He is taking advantage of your feelings for him and using that to get what he wants.

You need to distance yourself from him OP.

You deserve so much better than this.

[Wiseman2]

It seems like he's interested in FWB but you're interested in a relationship. 

[glows]

My suggestion is to date and go out and meet new people and make friends at the same time. This guy isn’t that interested in you. It maybe strokes his ego to be the first guy/person you’ve dated. Some people like that and it feeds their massive egos especially if he is seeking this or is specifically attracted to it.

He sees you as a friend meaning you may be way too new to dating to be compatible. In the gay community as well people do look for compatibility in terms of how “out” you are. How many years have you been out, are you out with all your family and friends back home or are you just newly discovering yourself? Some people don’t care and others do a great deal. 

I agree with you that many of the things you both shared are romantic but it doesn’t mean someone will want to be in a relationship with you. No one is right or wrong. He wants to treat you as a friend but not be committed to you. If you want him to only date you then he’s not the person for you. 

The issue is the resentment I’m hearing. You feel like a plaything. It can be hard to let go especially if you haven’t made any other friends or don’t have a good support system. That’s why I suggest you balance your friendships and relationships a bit more and not ever depend on one person as your support. You’re in a new country. Go and enjoy all it has to offer. Don’t be limited by anything.

[ValuebleCockroach993]

He's closeted, I'm not. But I respected his wishes and never came out to his friends and family. And I'm not out on social media. He's dated 14 guys and had sex with 40 before me so I don't think he's afraid of my status. 

I'm fine with not being committed. But he should have made it clear from the very beginning. Or perhaps I should have asked. But I have never dated before so I can excuse myself if I didn't know what I was getting into. At least I didn't fall in love with him. But he was the nicest guy I have known in my life so far. It's so painful to see how quickly people can change. 

After he told me I'm just a friend, I sent him a wall of text explaining my feelings and asking why he did this. And he literally only liked my post and didn't even reply. Should I cut him off? He still treats me like a friend and acts like nothing happened. Tags me in comments and likes my stories and posts. I don't understand at all. To think my first experience would be like this pains me a great deal. I never vibed more with anyone before him. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, ValuebleCockroach993 said:

He's closeted, I'm not. 

That might explain why he wishes to refer to you as "a friend". All you can do is accept his FWB offer and keep the relationship hidden otherwise. Or find someone as comfortable as you are with being open.

[ValuebleCockroach993]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

That might explain why he wishes to refer to you as "a friend". All you can do is accept his FWB offer and keep the relationship hidden otherwise. Or find someone as comfortable as you are with being open.

But he's been in 14 relationships with guys before. And he keeps all of them hidden. Perhaps his past boyfriends also were closeted like him. Or he don't want a relationship with a foreigner which brings uncertainities. But in either case that he didn't care about my emotions is definitely not a good look. 

[JTSW]

17 minutes ago, ValuebleCockroach993 said:

But he's been in 14 relationships with guys before. And he keeps all of them hidden. Perhaps his past boyfriends also were closeted like him. Or he don't want a relationship with a foreigner which brings uncertainities. But in either case that he didn't care about my emotions is definitely not a good look. 

It sounds like there may be certain people in his life that wouldn't accept his sexuality.

Therefore, he keeps his relationships secret and non serious.

[ValuebleCockroach993]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

It sounds like there may be certain people in his life that wouldn't accept his sexuality.

Therefore, he keeps his relationships secret and non serious.

No he's been in serious relationships before. All 14 of them apparently. And he said one of his exes comitted suicide. So I can understand he's quite reserved.  

 

What upsets me is not that, but the fact he didn't actually care about what I felt. He said he valued our 'friendship', but if he was really a friend he would at least help me cope with the pain he caused. I feel like he was only after my dick. Or just wanted someone to help get over his breakups. I saw on his laptop a note that says 'no one understands how it feels to lose a person u love'.  

That I can understand. But it doesn't mean he can treat me like a toy. I did him no harm. 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, ValuebleCockroach993 said:

No he's been in serious relationships before. All 14 of them apparently. And he said one of his exes comitted suicide. So I can understand he's quite reserved.  

 

What upsets me is not that, but the fact he didn't actually care about what I felt. He said he valued our 'friendship', but if he was really a friend he would at least help me cope with the pain he caused. I feel like he was only after my dick. Or just wanted someone to help get over his breakups. I saw on his laptop a note that says 'no one understands how it feels to lose a person u love'.  

That I can understand. But it doesn't mean he can treat me like a toy. I did him no harm. 

Sit him down and have a serious talk with him.

Tell him you want to be more than just friends because you care allot about him.

But if all he wants is friends with benefits then that is not something you can do and will have to step back.

Don't allow him to play with your feelings.

[ValuebleCockroach993]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

Sit him down and have a serious talk with him.

Tell him you want to be more than just friends because you care allot about him.

But if all he wants is friends with benefits then that is not something you can do and will have to step back.

Don't allow him to play with your feelings.

Thanks. I guess there isn't much I can do other than that, and finding more friends. I'm most vulnerable here because ai don't have any friends I hang out with other than him. This weekend's probably gonna be extremely lonely without him now. Everywhere I go, it brings back memories because he showed me the world and I went everywhere only with him.  

 

Whrn I first started dating him, I knew it would not be the best idea but I thought he actually liked me and we were going somewhere. Sigh. Huge life lesson learned. 

 

Thanks a lot for ur support. It means a lot to me. I had no one to talk to.

[Alpacalia]

Sleeping with him doesn't mean that he wants the same things that you do. Some people take sex very casually, while others take it very seriously.

It means slowing down the physical intimacy until you're sure there is an actual relationship between you both. 

Sex used to be a long-awaited event; usually people were in relationships, so they understood the expectations. There is a lot more room for ambiguity in sex today as it is often more casual.

After the fact, it is quite difficult to resolve the situation in which expectations differ. Having sex is a fait accompli; you now have to deal with the disappointments caused by your desire for something different.

Just let him be him. Trying to talk someone into anything they aren't interested in is pointless.

[ShyViolet]

He has clearly told you that he can't give you what you want.  He doesn't have the same feelings for you that you do for him.  So you need to stop this.  Stop spending so much time with him, stop chasing him, and focus on meeting someone new.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/24/2023 at 1:56 AM, ValuebleCockroach993 said:

He's closeted, I'm not. 

Even though he has been a friend and shown you around, it seems like you're with the wrong man. Try to acclimate to your environment. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Get into the gay scene locally. Try some gay dating apps. He's stuck in his ways of being hidden and that's his problem. However you are free to be yourself and enjoy your life openly and fully.

[ValuebleCockroach993]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Even though he has been a friend and shown you around, it seems like you're with the wrong man. Try to acclimate to your environment. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Get into the gay scene locally. Try some gay dating apps. He's stuck in his ways of being hidden and that's his problem. However you are free to be yourself and enjoy your life openly and fully.

I've talked to him. Apparently he was interested in me at first but did not find me to be relationship material because I don't like his movies. But of course he never communicated the change of his status (This is the biggest problem I have with him). He continued the romance despite this. He said it is normal in his society to hold hands, hug, kiss and embrace with your friends, even straight friends! While it's normal to have sex with gay friends in addition to above. He also has a girlfriend who is apparently okay with him f***ing me because she likes yaoi. So apparently we were never dating in the first place, just being gay friends. All of this is quite strange to me and I find it very hard to believe. It feels like I've got into a nasty rabbit hole of taboo and unconventional lifestyles. A real shock actually. Never seen this kind of stuff in movies or from people I know. 

But I'll be investigating if its true by fishing around other guys and asking them. So I've agreed to be friends with benefits with him because I need him to show me around here in the meantime. I'll no longer go out of my way to please him, or give him gifts or pay for his meals, or pay for movies. I think I can suppress my emotions now knowing he's not normal and wouldn't have been good for me in the long term anyways.  

 

Really appreciate y'all's support. And please let me know if you've seen this kind of behavior in other people? My life experience is very limited so I'm not sure. He said its got to do with army biddies or something - that romance among guy friends is casual. 

[ValuebleCockroach993]

Honestly this event has given me an excuse to start exploring and meeting new people. I got way too comfortable with one guy and did not anticipate it would blow up this nasty so quickly. Really a weird experience. Meeting someone wh views relationships so unconventionally. It sucks that I learned this the hard way. It will be my top priority to communicate properly in future encounters. My only fear is it might drive people away because they think I'm too serious and interviewing them.. 

Edited March 26, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

Either he's pansexual or needs a cover story because he's not out. But anyway. It's making you unhappy because you want a relationship and he just wants something on the downlow.

Edited March 26, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Acacia98]

On 3/24/2023 at 1:59 PM, ValuebleCockroach993 said:

No he's been in serious relationships before. All 14 of them apparently. And he said one of his exes comitted suicide. So I can understand he's quite reserved. 

What upsets me is not that, but the fact he didn't actually care about what I felt. He said he valued our 'friendship', but if he was really a friend he would at least help me cope with the pain he caused. I feel like he was only after my dick. Or just wanted someone to help get over his breakups. I saw on his laptop a note that says 'no one understands how it feels to lose a person u love'.  

That I can understand. But it doesn't mean he can treat me like a toy. I did him no harm. 

In light of your more recent posts, what do you think of his initial claim that he had previously been in 14 serious relationships? Your guy's story keeps changing. I think he's basically a liar. He will say what he needs to say to achieve what he wants. And he doesn't seem to care about your feelings. You shouldn't take anything he says seriously.

I don't think just being friends with benefits with this guy is going to work for you. That's what you're trying to convince yourself because you're still emotionally attached to him. But there's no need for you to continue having sex with him. Since he says he's all about casual relationships, he should be able to accept your "dumping" him easily. After all, you're "just friends."

[ExpatInItaly]

I really hope you don't believe that. 

I would bet the farm she has no idea that he is sleeping with men behind her back. You need to wake up here, OP. This guy was bad news for you from the beginning. Never let youself get into a situation like this again, and cut off all contact with this man. He isn't single and you knew that. Thus, he was never going to provide you the sort of relationship you want. He isn't available for that. 

He didn't treat you right but you also didn't do a good job of paying attention to the red flags. 

Edited March 26, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ValuebleCockroach993]

I think the best path forward for me is to use him for my own benefit. I feel that he is too valuable to be cut off.  He already provides me everything I want from a lover. Except for what he feels inside. I need someone to teach me the ways and show me around. He communicates with me every day and calls me every other day. He shows me around and teaches me how to assimilate to his culture. He introduces me to his friends.  It's quite nice. I don't know what he gets from me, but for me, he gives me everything I need. 

In the mean time, I will be screwing with other guys. Maybe I'll find someone who is more compatible with me. From what I've seen so far, the wilderness isn't too inviting either. Met lots of people who are outright racist. But given my complete inexperience, I feel that I need to experiment first and learn lessons before actually falling for someone. I'll wouldn't allow any niceties let me forget about the true purpose. 

I feel like a kid learning how to swim for the first time. 

I appreciate y'all's perspective and will keep your advice in mind. 

Edited March 27, 2023 by ValuebleCockroach993

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, ValuebleCockroach993 said:

He shows me around and teaches me how to assimilate to his culture.

What is his culture?

[ValuebleCockroach993]

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

What is his culture?

Singaporean. It's a mixture of western and asian culture. 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, ValuebleCockroach993 said:

I think the best path forward for me is to use him for my own benefit.

This is a self-destructive idea. 

You are already hurt that he doesn't want anything more with you. You are fooling yourself if you think you will now suddenly be able to separate your emotions from this. You say he gives you everything you need, but that is not true or this thread wouldn't exist. 

[ValuebleCockroach993]

21 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is a self-destructive idea. 

You are already hurt that he doesn't want anything more with you. You are fooling yourself if you think you will now suddenly be able to separate your emotions from this. You say he gives you everything you need, but that is not true or this thread wouldn't exist. 

He gives me everything except his feelings. I can still cuddle, kiss and do whatever. So as long as he doesn't complain, nothing changes.  

It would be nice to receive some love but I'm definitely not getting it from him. I'll just find someone else to get it from. In the meantime, it doesn't hurt to keep him around, as long as he doesn't complain, and he doesn't. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are setting yourself up to get hurt. 

What if you find out he is also sleeping with someone else? Are you really going to be okay with that? Because this thread suggests you would be crushed.