Break up guilt

[LotusAvx]

Does anyone else feel that the guilt of ending a relationship is HORRIBLE. I have ended an on/off/on again relationship that has lasted the past 3 years. We met right when things shut down before the pandemic hit. We were together for about a year, and then I ended it because I didn't feel anything and I didn't feel like I had both feet in while he did. We remained friends and hung out a lot for over a year. This past December, we decided to be together again. I though I was feeling something and we agreed to be together again, which I now feel incredibly guilty for.

I ended things the other day with him because I truly feel like we argue so much and he gets little bit jealous when I see friends. He gets acusational and accuses me of things I don't do and we have very different views of life and have had very different experiences which I think causes these problems. There was never much physical intimacy with him, because I didn't really want to be intimate ever, while he wanted it with me. I felt like no matter what, I always had one foot out the door, and he doesn't. He wants it all with me, to move in together, to get married, and I don't want that with him. I told him I feel like I am living a lie and keeping him from the right person. In a way, I am terrified to have him not in my life (he has already expressed he wouldn't continue on as friends as it is too painful - which I am in agreeance with.) The relationship was one sided in a way and I feel horribly guilty, I felt like I was constantly going to him and unloading my problems on him and he tried the best he could to help but never had the answers, which I never expected him to, things just felt very one sided. 

Today we met up and spoke about it and were both in tears, I feel horrible for leaving him. I feel horrible that I am possibly making the biggest mistake of my life. He is begging me to stay and give things another chance, I have tried to tell him in the nicest way possible that I feel like it's not fair to him that I have one foot out the door and imagine what it would be like to be with someone I have physical intimacy with. 

I don't know if the amount of guilt I am feeling is normal, it feels horrible. I don't know how I am going to get past hurting him. I feel incredibly selfish for wanting to be with someone I am attracted to. I know no one here can tell me if I should stay with him, but is physical intimacy really important, or should I just be happy that I have someone who cares deeply for me? Part of me is terifed to be with someone I actually do find attractive and want physical intimacy with because then I will be worried about them leaving me, which I think that is why I have always gravitated towards men with not much experience with women.

Edited March 23, 2023 by LotusAvx

[stillafool]

I imagine you feel guilty because you went back to him knowing you still had low interest in him.  I would too because it was a waste of both of your time.  Oh well, now you know for sure it will never work with the two of you.  I think it would be proper at this point to go NC so you don't waste anymore or each others time.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LotusAvx said:

. I have ended an on/off/on again relationship that has lasted the past 3 years. 

Unfortunately on/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with a lack of other opportunities and unhealthy attachments.

You're unhappy, so you seem to be in this for security and out of fear.  There's nothing wrong with setting each other free. 

 

Edited March 23, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

You did the right thing OP.

You did what was best for both of you in the long run and one day he will see that.

You can't live a lie and you did the right thing being honest with him about it.

You tried but you're not feeling it, and that's ok.

Don't beat yourself up.

[ShyViolet]

This relationship needed to end, and you know that.  It was absolutely the right thing to end it once and for all.  These hurt feelings that you have, you need to work through those yourself. Running back to him out of weakness would be a huge mistake.  You absolutely need to not waste any more of his time and string him along any further by continuing this on/off thing with him.  You are right it is not fair to him.  You know that you have low interest in him and he is much more into you than you are into him.  Do not waste any more of his time on a mediocre relationship where you don't have strong feelings for the person.  If you got back together with him, this on/off cycle would continue.  It's your responsibility to recognize that this isn't working and put an end to it once and for all, despite the fact that you have complicated feelings about it.  Those complicated feelings are your responsibility to work through, and you will get through them.

Edited March 26, 2023 by ShyViolet