I'm Stuck - Venting

[Glorious Cheese]

I posted about my ex on here several years ago, during the course of our relationship.

We split up almost four years ago. I ended things. 

She was the best person I ever met. Kind, beautiful, a little bit crazy. I didn't realise how much I actually loved her. 

She didn't trust me, and it got to be too much for me. I was younger than her, and I think she was just insecure. But, it got to me over time. I was tired of the accusations. Everything else was really good between us.

The last time we spoke was over the phone. She brought up that she thought I was cheating. I got angry and yelled at her, then hung up. We never spoke or saw each other again.

I was ruminating over things for a couple of weeks after that phone call, and I ended up sending her a text message. It was harsh and cold. I ended things over text, and I felt OK about it at the time. I was angry at her. 

I felt OK about it for a few months, then the dreams started...

They were really intense. I would dream about her and literally wake up gasping... and realise that she was gone from my life. In retrospect, I had a delayed reaction to the breakup. I can see now, within myself, that I lack emotional intelligence. We had the most amazing connection, in so many ways. Barely a day goes by where I don't think about her. It's gotten slightly easier over time, but I didn't cope well with it for the first couple of years. I don't confide in anybody. It's all locked away within me. I feel like it's slowly eating me alive. 

I don't think that I'm idealising her; she had flaws. To be clear, I don't regret ending things, but I deeply regret the way I ended things. It was cold and I feel really guilty about it, even after all this time (and, to be honest, I don't often feel guilty about things). She didn't deserve that. I know I broke her heart... and it makes me feel horrible. Part of me thinks that I should have tried to work things out. but, ultimately, I know it wasn't going to work. 

I feel a mixture of guilt, regret and, probably, grief. I've had a couple of women interested in me since then, and I've psychologically run for the hills. I've just shut it down. Right now, I feel like I can't go through that ever again. This may not make sense, but I feel like she was "the one"; the great love of my life. I never felt a connection before, like the one I had with her. It was dizzying and exhilarating. It was the kind of love you see in a movie. But it was real. 

I'm not getting any younger (I'm in my late forties). I feel like, right now, I'm almost resigned to being alone for the rest of my life. I don't think anybody would compare to her and what we had. Logically, I know this is wrong, but I can't help the way I feel. It seems ridiculous to me that I still feel this way after (almost) four years; but, the heart wants what the heart wants. Honestly, I didn't necessarily believe I had a heart and could feel the depth of feelings I had for her. I still have her phone number memorised. Sometimes, I toy with the idea of getting in touch with her, but I always immediately shut the idea down. I'm absolutely positive that she hates me and genuinely believes that I never cared about her. If only she knew. I don't think any good would come of calling/texting her. I'm sure she's with somebody else. I genuinely hope that he makes her happy. I want her to be happy; she deserves it. 

I think, at this point, I probably need to speak to somebody professionally. Generally, I'm pretty stoic and I'm not emotional most of the time; I feel like I keep trying to push this down, but it comes out when I least expect it. Overall, I have a feeling of desolation. I wish I could go back and change things, but I know I can't. 

In retrospect, I didn't always treat her well, but it wasn't out of malice. I know she genuinely loved me. I felt that inside of me, for her, but I couldn't always express it, at the time. There's a lot more detail I can reveal here, but, for anybody reading this, it's not going to shed any further light on things. 

Right now, I actually wish we'd never met one another. I've had quite a few women in my life, but most of them never made an impact. Even the other ones that did, was nothing compared to her. The over-riding emotion I feel is guilt. I was too cold and it really bothers me. I imagine that she doesn't even think about me any more; she sent me a text message around six months after I ended things; it was mean and nasty, and I probably deserved it. I won't go into specifics. I dismissed it at the time, but I find myself thinking about it quite often nowadays. 

I'm deeply troubled by what happened between us and I just want release from it. I want to let her go, mentally. It's hard. I miss her and our connection deeply. I don't feel like I'll ever get that with anybody else. I'm not someone who will "settle"; I want somebody who loves me, and I, in turn, love them. I'm not going to accept anything less than that. I see people in my life do that all of the time; to me, it seems that they lack the confidence or open-mindedness to believe that they can meet somebody they genuinely connect with. I want something real. 

How do I get past this guilt? I'm not sure. Don't get me wrong - I'm not without blame. In fact, in retrospect, most of her insecurity was driven by me and my apparent ambivalence towards her. 

There is a dark cloud above me and I need to see the sunshine again. Life is short and time goes by so fast... I feel like I'm running out of time. 

For anyone who knows me in real life, this would not be obvious. I come across as self-assured and confident; most of the time, I am... but this haunts me. What can I do to let her go? Any advice is genuinely appreciated. I don't want to feel like this any more.