Is My Boyfriend Cheating?

[Crushed-1]

My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for 4 months, we are exclusive. I met him on a dating website and we hit it off immediately. Never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. Complete vulnerability on both sides. He's told me that he wants a future with me and wants to marry me. I've been on a forum for a couple years where women who are in the dating world can post pictures of men they are considering dating or boyfriends they have suspicions about to get feedback on whether there are any red flags associated with these men. To my horror, someone posted my boyfriend's picture from a dating website a couple weeks ago and asked if anyone had any feedback on this man. There was only two responses -- one from the person who was inquiring and another from a woman who is a friend/acquaintance (she had only positive things to say about my boyfriend). 

The woman who posted had met my BF on a dating website. They chatted a bit and then exchanged phone numbers. According to this woman, he was only looking for a hookup and had sent her an unsolicited naked picture of himself. According to her, she got bad vibes from him and blocked him. Also according to her, this interaction happened a couple weeks ago. I asked her if she could provide some more information in order to confirm all of this. To my horror, she sent me the text thread where he sent a naked picture of himself. I asked if she could send a screen shot of any correspondence that would prove he's been in contact with her within the last couple weeks. She said she'd take a look and send over some proof. She never responded after that, removed the original inquiry from the dating forum and deleted our DM conversation. I've haven't heard from her since. I confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was still on that dating site and/or if he was still talking to/meeting up with women from that site. He said that he deleted his account shortly after we started dating. I asked him why someone was claiming to have met/talked to him from that site just a couple weeks ago. He told me that this women had texted him a couple weeks ago -- he responded by saying that he told her he was in a relationship and that she should no longer contact him. He claims that he then blocked her number. He claims that they were exchanging these messages several months before we met. 

I have no idea who is telling the truth. My BF thinks that she felt rejected by the recent text message and wanted to portray him as a bad guy on the forum I mentioned. He's never given me a reason to not trust him other than lying about his age on the website we originally met on. He told me within 3 dates that he lied about his age -- we worked through this and things have been fine ever since. He hasn't given me a reason to not trust him (other than lying about his age), but I've only known him for 4 months. We are very close, spend weekends and a night per week together. He recently met my family. We're very much in love and have a relationship together that I've always dreamed of. He's someone I could see spending the rest of my life with.

He's been very remorseful, tells me I'm the love of his life, wants to marry me, swears that he's not lying and that he's so embarrassed and crest fallen by me finding out about that picture. He admitted that he sent that picture several months before we started to date. Said he was in a bad place after a bad breakup and was just looking for attention. I really don't know what to do. I'm devastated. I don't know who to believe. I wish that woman had just provided me with proof that they'd been in contact recently, but she didn't. That would've solved everything and I wouldn't have any choice but to break up with him. But, I don't know who's telling the truth. 

He claims that he didn't know that you had to physically go in and delete his dating profile. He thought that by deleting the app and canceling payment that your profile was automatically deactivated. I'm still on that site but not active. Meaning my profile is still there, but I'm not paying, can't see any matches, etc. I went on today and could still access previous conversations that I had started before deactivating my account. Our conversation is still there, which means he hasn't deleted it since this all went down a couple days ago. He's been traveling, dealing with our situation and is reuniting with family as we speak. Perhaps he just hasn't had time to actually go in and properly delete? I'm not defending him, but he's super computer illiterate. I actually originally thought that by deleting the app and canceling payment that it equated to deleting your account. So this could be an honest mistake?

He's from another state and traveled cross country to visit his family - he's there now, so we can't even have a conversation in person about this. On top of all this, it's his birthday today and I haven't wished him a happy birthday. I'm crushed and have no idea how to move forward. Please help.  

  

[stillafool]

What were the text dates on their thread?

 

[Crushed-1]

There was no text date viewable on the thread she sent me. I asked if she could send me a thread with a date on it. She then ghosted me — deleted her original post claiming that she had red flags about him. She also deleted the private DM conversation her and I were having. 

[S2B]

I subscribe to the rule - if I have to wonder - then I end it.

he also lead with a lie (about his age) so that’s a dealbreaker for me.

I don’t think he’s as great as you wish him to be.

there’s plenty of people that wouldn’t be creating this drama. Date someone who you can trust.

[Crushed-1]

36 minutes ago, S2B said:

I subscribe to the rule - if I have to wonder - then I end it.

he also lead with a lie (about his age) so that’s a dealbreaker for me.

I don’t think he’s as great as you wish him to be.

there’s plenty of people that wouldn’t be creating this drama. Date someone who you can trust.

Thanks for the feedback. Would be a lot easier to rationalize all of this and walk away if I knew for a fact he was talking to her a couple weeks ago. He promised me that he wasn’t. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry to hear about this.

What is the reason for you to be so active on a website that posts pictures without permission or their knowledge of people for the purpose of obtaining personal information about them?

Have you noticed any changes in his behavior, or do you just have a gut feeling? 

Perhaps the person who responded to your message wasn't truthful, or they didn't have the evidence they claimed. Your active search for information about his fidelity seems to indicate that your trust in your relationship isn't as solid as you thought.

Regardless, engaging in a witch hunt will likely make him feel betrayed, and that may be hard to repair. Sadly, once you have seen something, you cannot "unsee" it. 

If you feel that you cannot trust him, or if the act of what you discovered is a deal-breaker for you, leaving the relationship may be the best option.

[Crushed-1]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm sorry to hear about this.

What is the reason for you to be so active on a website that posts pictures without permission or their knowledge of people for the purpose of obtaining personal information about them?

Have you noticed any changes in his behavior, or do you just have a gut feeling? 

Perhaps the person who responded to your message wasn't truthful, or they didn't have the evidence they claimed. Your active search for information about his fidelity seems to indicate that your trust in your relationship isn't as solid as you thought.

Regardless, engaging in a witch hunt will likely make him feel betrayed, and that may be hard to repair. Sadly, once you have seen something, you cannot "unsee" it. 

If you feel that you cannot trust him, or if the act of what you discovered is a deal-breaker for you, leaving the relationship may be the best option.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, Alpacalia. I agree with you in regards to sites out there distributing information that is not necessarily authorized. It’s not a site that I’m highly active in at all. In fact, when it shows up in my feed, I typically scroll right past, unless I recognize someone from a dating site — then I’ll take a second look. This was the first time I’ve ever engaged in it. 
 

His behavior has not suddenly changed. In fact his behavior is always super affectionate, caring and communicative. He treats me really well. Which is why I was so shocked that this woman was on that site portraying him in such a negative light. I guess the fact of the matter is that he did hit her up with an unsolicited nude photo of himself. That bothers me, whether it occurred 6 months ago or 2 weeks ago. 
 

As mentioned, I wasn’t actively searching for anything. The site I’m speaking of is supposed to be a safeguard for women who are out there in the dating world. A place others can give feedback on men they’ve dated (both good and bad). As mentioned above, I’m bothered that he posted a nude photo of himself and upset that I don’t know if he did this while we were dating. 
 

Before all of this happened, I didn’t have any questions or insecurities surrounding him. We had a really solid relationship with a lot of talk about the future. Now I suddenly have so many questions. A part of me wishes I had never come across what I found. You’re right, I can’t unsee it. I just want things to go back to the way were before all this happened. My life has literally been flipped upside down overnight.

[NuevoYorko]

Do you think that 4 months into a relationship is a little fast to reach the level of investment you have with your boyfriend?  I would feel like this would be more of the "learning" stage and not to the "future planning" part yet.

I don't know what to advise you, except for 2 things.  1) If you decide to go forward with this relationship, it will be on you to deal with your doubts and fears without allowing them to poison the relationship.   You'll have to proceed with trust.  If it turns out that he is not genuine, you will find out sooner or later and respond accordingly.  2) IMO you should get off of that website and never look at it again, no matter what happens with this guy.   Angry scorned people WILL behave vindictively on those sites.  It's not a "help" to anybody.

[S2B]

Maybe you are giving him too much of your power…?

step back and wait and see how it is moving forward. But do not get more and more invested in the outcome.

Edited March 24, 2023 by S2B

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Crushed-1 said:

. I've been on a forum for a couple years where women who are in the dating world can post pictures of men they are considering dating or boyfriends they have suspicions about to get feedback on whether there are any red flags associated with these men. To my horror, someone posted my boyfriend's picture from a dating website a couple weeks ago and asked if anyone had any feedback on this man.  

Something about your intuition must have prompted you to go to this forum and inquire about him. Trust your instincts. Talking marriage at 16 weeks dating and lying about his age are just the first 2 red flags.  Not to mention sexting random women, especially so many that coincidentally this forum you're on had at least one of them. 

Slow down and observe. He's not who you think or hope he is and at some level you know this, otherwise you wouldn't have  researched him on this site.

You found the red flags you were searching for on this forum, it's up to you to reflect if you need to slow down and pay closer attention to his questionable activities and behaviors.

Edited March 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

Honestly, I wouldn't trust him and I think he's lying.

This woman had no idea who you were when she posted about him so she wasn't deliberately causing trouble.

There would be absolutely no reason for her to lie so I believe she is telling the truth.

Obviously she twigged at some point that you were possibly involved with him and that's why she deleted everything.

If he is super computer illiterate then he would know very well how to completely remove his dating profile.

Especially if he had been on it a while.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think he is to be trusted.

Check other dating sites to see if he's on them, or create a fake profile on his one, contact him/flirt and see if he takes the bait.

At least then you will know.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Crushed-1 said:

Thank you for taking the time to respond, Alpacalia. I agree with you in regards to sites out there distributing information that is not necessarily authorized. It’s not a site that I’m highly active in at all. In fact, when it shows up in my feed, I typically scroll right past, unless I recognize someone from a dating site — then I’ll take a second look. This was the first time I’ve ever engaged in it. 
 

His behavior has not suddenly changed. In fact his behavior is always super affectionate, caring and communicative. He treats me really well. Which is why I was so shocked that this woman was on that site portraying him in such a negative light. I guess the fact of the matter is that he did hit her up with an unsolicited nude photo of himself. That bothers me, whether it occurred 6 months ago or 2 weeks ago. 
 

As mentioned, I wasn’t actively searching for anything. The site I’m speaking of is supposed to be a safeguard for women who are out there in the dating world. A place others can give feedback on men they’ve dated (both good and bad). As mentioned above, I’m bothered that he posted a nude photo of himself and upset that I don’t know if he did this while we were dating. 
 

Before all of this happened, I didn’t have any questions or insecurities surrounding him. We had a really solid relationship with a lot of talk about the future. Now I suddenly have so many questions. A part of me wishes I had never come across what I found. You’re right, I can’t unsee it. I just want things to go back to the way were before all this happened. My life has literally been flipped upside down overnight.

You're welcome.

I understand how difficult and overwhelming this situation can be for you. It's natural to feel shocked and unsure about what to do next.

Alright, let's break it down. Your boyfriend sent an unsolicited nude photo while you were not in a relationship, and this has caused a shift in your perception of him. While this behavior is unpleasant, it may indicate something about his overall character.

The woman did not offer any tangible proof and subsequently vanished. If she declines to cooperate, I would view this as further indication that her claims may be false. An innocent person would be a lot more generous in trying to help you out, in my opinion.

What reason did your boyfriend give for not be forthcoming with his age?

If your boyfriend has been honest and trustworthy in the past, you may be inclined to believe him. However, it's worth noting that he has already lied about his age, which raises some doubts.

On the other hand, you're also facing the option of believing a stranger whose intentions may be unclear. If there's no concrete evidence to support either side, you may be left with no choice but to make a judgement call based on the information you have.

[paralysisbyanalysis]

Even if she deleted the convo with you, if his profile is still active (based on my skimming of your post it is) can't HE show you when he was talking to her? 

[Crushed-1]

17 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Do you think that 4 months into a relationship is a little fast to reach the level of investment you have with your boyfriend?  I would feel like this would be more of the "learning" stage and not to the "future planning" part yet.

I don't know what to advise you, except for 2 things.  1) If you decide to go forward with this relationship, it will be on you to deal with your doubts and fears without allowing them to poison the relationship.   You'll have to proceed with trust.  If it turns out that he is not genuine, you will find out sooner or later and respond accordingly.  2) IMO you should get off of that website and never look at it again, no matter what happens with this guy.   Angry scorned people WILL behave vindictively on those sites.  It's not a "help" to anybody.

Hi NuevoYorko -- I do believe that 4 months into a relationship is really fast to get to this level of investment. In my 45 years of life, I've never fallen for someone this quickly. If I was on the other end of this thread, I'd definitely be viewing it the same way you are. 

I read your response last night before I went to bed and I can tell you that I woke up feeling more in control and better equipped to face all of this. So, thanks for your advice. I agree with you that I have only 2 choices -- I can either trust him and try to move forward without bringing my doubts and fears to the relationship, or break up with him. I don't want to be in a relationship where I don't trust someone. I will also strongly consider getting off that site where this was all discovered. There is a lot of valuable information there, but I do agree that there are also a lot of angry women on there, as well. Thanks for suggesting this. 

[Crushed-1]

17 hours ago, S2B said:

Maybe you are giving him too much of your power…?

step back and wait and see how it is moving forward. But do not get more and more invested in the outcome.

Thanks for this simple, yet highly effective advice S2B. I like this approach and I believe this is probably the best way to handle the situation moving forward. I can beat this thing to death but realize that I'm never going to get the answers I want.  

[Crushed-1]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Something about your intuition must have prompted you to go to this forum and inquire about him. Trust your instincts. Talking marriage at 16 weeks dating and lying about his age are just the first 2 red flags.  Not to mention sexting random women, especially so many that coincidentally this forum you're on had at least one of them. 

Slow down and observe. He's not who you think or hope he is and at some level you know this, otherwise you wouldn't have  researched him on this site.

You found the red flags you were searching for on this forum, it's up to you to reflect if you need to slow down and pay closer attention to his questionable activities and behaviors.

Good evening, Wiseman -- I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I had actually been on that forum for over a year before meeting my current BF. Before all this happened, I honestly spent probably less than a half hour per week scrolling through it as it came into my Facebook feed. Totally agree that talking marriage 16 weeks into dating sounds completely absurd, I get it. As mentioned in one of my previous responses, in my 45 years of life, I've never fallen for someone so quickly. He's been absolutely perfect in my eyes (aside from lying about his age) -- which is why all of this has completely thrown me for a loop. Agreed that lying about his age early on is a major red flag. It's something we've worked through and he's promised to be nothing but honest with me moving forward. His story completely lined up with this other woman's story...except the time frame. He's promised me that he's telling the truth, that this whole situation occurred many months before he met me. Told me he was in a really bad place in life, was seeking attention after a failed relationship, wishes he could take it all back and that he's completely embarrassed and ashamed. He's claiming that he'll do anything to prove to me that he's the man I originally thought he was. 

I think your suggestion of slowing down and paying closer attention to his activities and behaviors is probably the best advice someone could give moving forward. I plan on doing this. 

[Crushed-1]

11 hours ago, JTSW said:

Honestly, I wouldn't trust him and I think he's lying.

This woman had no idea who you were when she posted about him so she wasn't deliberately causing trouble.

There would be absolutely no reason for her to lie so I believe she is telling the truth.

Obviously she twigged at some point that you were possibly involved with him and that's why she deleted everything.

If he is super computer illiterate then he would know very well how to completely remove his dating profile.

Especially if he had been on it a while.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think he is to be trusted.

Check other dating sites to see if he's on them, or create a fake profile on his one, contact him/flirt and see if he takes the bait.

At least then you will know.

Thanks for your thoughts, JTSW. The whole reason I came on this forum was to get some outside opinions and perspectives. I agree that this woman really didn't have much to lose, especially since she was posting anonymously. Just wish she could've seen this thing through instead of bailing on the conversation when I asked for some really crucial evidence -- anything from her with a date on it could've put this whole thing to bed, one way or another. It's quite possible that she bailed out of fear of him retaliating in some way. However, they never met in person and only knew each other's first names. She claims that she blocked him, so there's really no way for my BF to reach her. I just felt that she really could've helped out a another woman (me) in need of answers, instead she created so many more questions. The whole point of that forum is to help other women navigate and make some decisions about dating men that may have questionable pasts. Not that I'm proud of BF's actions, but it makes a huge difference whether it all happened 2 weeks ago or 6 months before I even met him.

I could check other dating sites or set up a fake account. But honestly, I don't have the energy to do that. I just want to make a concrete decision to either move forward and trust his word, or if I can't get over this, just break up with him. I don't want to be a crazy girlfriend. If he's on other dating websites and continues to do questionable things, I'm sure he'll show up again in the forum this all originated from and my decision will be easy at that point. 

[Crushed-1]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You're welcome.

I understand how difficult and overwhelming this situation can be for you. It's natural to feel shocked and unsure about what to do next.

Alright, let's break it down. Your boyfriend sent an unsolicited nude photo while you were not in a relationship, and this has caused a shift in your perception of him. While this behavior is unpleasant, it may indicate something about his overall character.

The woman did not offer any tangible proof and subsequently vanished. If she declines to cooperate, I would view this as further indication that her claims may be false. An innocent person would be a lot more generous in trying to help you out, in my opinion.

What reason did your boyfriend give for not be forthcoming with his age?

If your boyfriend has been honest and trustworthy in the past, you may be inclined to believe him. However, it's worth noting that he has already lied about his age, which raises some doubts.

On the other hand, you're also facing the option of believing a stranger whose intentions may be unclear. If there's no concrete evidence to support either side, you may be left with no choice but to make a judgement call based on the information you have.

Hi Alpacalia -- Your engagement in this thread is much appreciated. I've been going out of my mind the last couple days, but being on this forum and writing things out with you and all the other contributors over the last 24 hours is helping me immensely.

I just mentioned this in another response, but my BF is really ashamed, embarrassed and has completely owned up to his past behavior. Doesn't make things right or acceptable, but he's owned up to it. Says he was in a really bad place in his life after a failed relationship and was seeking attention in all the wrong places.  

After 3 dates in and things moving forward in a really positive way, he told me that he lied about his age. His reasoning was that he was not getting many matches on the dating site we met on. I'm substantially younger than him and never would have met him since my cutoff age was for men no more than 10 years older than me.

Agree with that I need to make a judgement call. It's hard for me to make a decision based on input from someone I've never met. My BF has gone to extreme lengths the last couple days in trying to convince me that he's telling the truth. Maybe I draw a hard line in the sand -- 3 strikes and you're out. He already lied about his age and now all this weird drama with the other woman.   

[smackie9]

This woman was probably wondering where he went, maybe got ghosted/rejected by him and is pissed off, so over time she came up with this little fishing expedition. She just posted to see if he would see it and who would respond. Turns out you did, so for revenge sake she fed some info to incriminate him. I think he's telling the truth, and she whipped up a story to do him damage. That's my take. I myself (before internet) was lied about to cause trouble just for the sake of doing it. I feel it was out of jealousy. But anyways, it's very possible she wanted to damage him in some way out of scorn. 

[Crushed-1]

1 hour ago, paralysisbyanalysis said:

Even if she deleted the convo with you, if his profile is still active (based on my skimming of your post it is) can't HE show you when he was talking to her? 

Good point, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't keep a conversation thread from someone he was never serious about -- especially since this all allegedly occurred about 6-8 months ago. I know I don't have any previous conversations archived from people I talked to/dated before him.

[Crushed-1]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This woman was probably wondering where he went, maybe got ghosted/rejected by him and is pissed off, so over time she came up with this little fishing expedition. She just posted to see if he would see it and who would respond. Turns out you did, so for revenge sake she fed some info to incriminate him. I think he's telling the truth, and she whipped up a story to do him damage. That's my take. I myself (before internet) was lied about to cause trouble just for the sake of doing it. I feel it was out of jealousy. But anyways, it's very possible she wanted to damage him in some way out of scorn. 

Thank you for this point of view, smackie9. I asked my BF why she would lie, and his only thought was that she felt rejected and wanted some revenge. I will say that the forum where this all went down can get really wild. I'd say that a majority of the men on there either have multiple women sharing their bad experiences or there are simply no responses whatsoever. Very little in between. A small victory for me was seeing one other post from someone that has known my BF for over 10 years. She said he was a really great guy and had nothing bad to say about him. No other responses from any other women. 

I'm really sorry something similar to this happened to you. What an evil thing to do.   

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Crushed-1 said:

Thank you for this point of view, smackie9. I asked my BF why she would lie, and his only thought was that she felt rejected and wanted some revenge. 

Have you ever heard the expression "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"?   It's a possibility your boyfriend is right - especially as she gave no evidence to support her claim.  

Edited March 25, 2023 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

Why did he lie about his age?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Crushed-1 said:

. His reasoning was that he was not getting many matches on the dating site we met on. I'm substantially younger than him and never would have met him since my cutoff age was for men no more than 10 years older than me.

Agree that the approach to slow down and observe is the best at this point. 16 weeks dating is the getting to know you stage. It's exactly what you are doing. Getting to know the good, the bad and the ugly. It's for you to assess each other, not make wedding plans.

You seem to want to give him a chance despite the red flags so far. So far he manipulates dating apps in order to date much younger women, he's using faux future  talk to disarm and dazzle and he's sending women nudes (doesn't really matter when) with the excuse that he was wounded.

You also don't really know what other red flags are yet to come, so let's just say, where there's smoke, there's fire.

It's still early so take your time and use whatever information you have so far to protect yourself from future headaches and heartaches. 

Edited March 25, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

On 3/24/2023 at 9:14 AM, Crushed-1 said:

He's never given me a reason to not trust him other than lying about his age on the website we originally met on.

Just run.