Is My Boyfriend Cheating?

[Alpacalia]

14 hours ago, Crushed-1 said:

Hi Alpacalia -- Your engagement in this thread is much appreciated. I've been going out of my mind the last couple days, but being on this forum and writing things out with you and all the other contributors over the last 24 hours is helping me immensely.

I just mentioned this in another response, but my BF is really ashamed, embarrassed and has completely owned up to his past behavior. Doesn't make things right or acceptable, but he's owned up to it. Says he was in a really bad place in his life after a failed relationship and was seeking attention in all the wrong places.  

After 3 dates in and things moving forward in a really positive way, he told me that he lied about his age. His reasoning was that he was not getting many matches on the dating site we met on. I'm substantially younger than him and never would have met him since my cutoff age was for men no more than 10 years older than me.

Agree with that I need to make a judgement call. It's hard for me to make a decision based on input from someone I've never met. My BF has gone to extreme lengths the last couple days in trying to convince me that he's telling the truth. Maybe I draw a hard line in the sand -- 3 strikes and you're out. He already lied about his age and now all this weird drama with the other woman.   

Rebuilding trust can be facilitated by attempting to comprehend his perspective and being receptive to forgiveness IF he genuinely regrets his actions. However, it should be noted that lying is not condoned. While there may be minor fibs, as for dating apps, they primarily serve as self-promotion mechanisms and not as truth-telling platforms.

While it is understandable that someone may want to present themselves in the best possible light to attract potential matches, deceiving about his age to lure younger women and sending nude images could be indicative of a more significant problem. Coupled with the urgency to marry you despite the short duration of your relationship. In spite of this, he has admitted that a failed relationship put him in a bad place and that he was seeking attention in inappropriate ways.

The crucial factor is whether or not he still harbors those negative feelings.

In terms of the specific situation with the woman who posted about your boyfriend on the dating forum, it's difficult to know who to believe. You may never know for certain what happened between them. However, what is clear is that your boyfriend did send her a naked picture of himself (unsolicited too) and that he had been using the dating site to look for casual hookups. This is something that he needs to take responsibility for, regardless of whether or not he was still actively using the site when you met.

You're going to have to be brutally honest with yourself about any potential risks or consequences that could arise from giving him another chance. Is this something that you're open to after four months of dating?

Trusting your intuition and understanding what is best for you should be your priority. Remember that you can end things if the risks are too great.

[Crushed-1]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Rebuilding trust can be facilitated by attempting to comprehend his perspective and being receptive to forgiveness IF he genuinely regrets his actions. However, it should be noted that lying is not condoned. While there may be minor fibs, as for dating apps, they primarily serve as self-promotion mechanisms and not as truth-telling platforms.

While it is understandable that someone may want to present themselves in the best possible light to attract potential matches, deceiving about his age to lure younger women and sending nude images could be indicative of a more significant problem. Coupled with the urgency to marry you despite the short duration of your relationship. In spite of this, he has admitted that a failed relationship put him in a bad place and that he was seeking attention in inappropriate ways.

The crucial factor is whether or not he still harbors those negative feelings.

In terms of the specific situation with the woman who posted about your boyfriend on the dating forum, it's difficult to know who to believe. You may never know for certain what happened between them. However, what is clear is that your boyfriend did send her a naked picture of himself (unsolicited too) and that he had been using the dating site to look for casual hookups. This is something that he needs to take responsibility for, regardless of whether or not he was still actively using the site when you met.

You're going to have to be brutally honest with yourself about any potential risks or consequences that could arise from giving him another chance. Is this something that you're open to after four months of dating?

Trusting your intuition and understanding what is best for you should be your priority. Remember that you can end things if the risks are too great.

This has given me a lot to think about, Alpacalia. Thanks for the in depth thoughts. It's been difficult not being able to meet him in person to talk about all of this since he's been out of town. But a part of me is okay with it since it's given me time to really think this through. I agree with everything you said. I just want to go back to the way things were less than a week ago. We were in such a great place and I wouldn't have changed a thing about him or our relationship. We were cruising along blissfully in love, talking about the future. Now, all of this is throwing a wrench in things and placing major doubts in my mind.

It would be an easy choice to just leave him and all this drama behind if he was in denial, was making up excuses or acting like none of this was a big deal. But...he's owning up to everything, wants to do anything to make this better. He's not proud of his actions. Takes full responsibility for all of this. However, I now have a bunch of questions surrounding what he was like as little as 6 months ago. Agree that sending nude, unsolicited pictures of himself to someone who is practically a stranger is a huge red flag. Who knows how many times he's done this. Will he do it again if he gets bored in our relationship? I don't know the answer to these questions. I'd like to think that the lack of engagement from the women on that forum proves that he didn't make a habit of it. 

If I broke up with him over this, my heart would be absolutely be crushed in a million pieces. I'd always wonder what could have been. Up to this point, our relationship has been perfect and our feelings for each other have been unlike anything I've ever experienced. I'd like to think that he's changed, but I don't really know that for sure since I've only known him for 4 months. I simply don't know how to move forward. Obviously, we'll get together and talk about all this when he gets home from traveling. But, I know that he'll just take me in his arms and tell me everything I want to hear. 

[Crushed-1]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree that the approach to slow down and observe is the best at this point. 16 weeks dating is the getting to know you stage. It's exactly what you are doing. Getting to know the good, the bad and the ugly. It's for you to assess each other, not make wedding plans.

You seem to want to give him a chance despite the red flags so far. So far he manipulates dating apps in order to date much younger women, he's using faux future  talk to disarm and dazzle and he's sending women nudes (doesn't really matter when) with the excuse that he was wounded.

You also don't really know what other red flags are yet to come, so let's just say, where there's smoke, there's fire.

It's still early so take your time and use whatever information you have so far to protect yourself from future headaches and heartaches. 

I agree with everything you've written, Wiseman2. I'd be foolish to try and argue with the facts you've outlined here. The biggest obstacle here is that I don't know what other red flags are out there. As I mentioned earlier, maybe this needs to be a 3 strikes and you're out situation. He's already got 2 against him. You're right, it's early. I need to slow down. It's just so hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube. We've really expedited our relationship, it was impossible to slow down the feelings, actions, and generally how we were feeling about each other.  

[Crushed-1]

22 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why did he lie about his age?

He wasn't getting many matches on the dating site because of his age. He's 60 and I'm 44. I had my filters set to a maximum of 54 in my settings and I'm sure younger woman have their max age set even lower. Not that it matters, but he's in good shape for his age. 

[NuevoYorko]

What is is prior dating / relationship history?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Crushed-1 said:

, I know that he'll just take me in his arms and tell me everything I want to hear. 

This may feel great and help you stay in the bliss bubble you're enjoying. However there's already signs of trouble that are starting to surface. Reflect if you're in love with who he really is so far or who you hoped he could be.