What did I do wrong?

[ozziegal8]

I have lost 2 female friendships within months. I am wondering if I am being too judgemental and needing advice.

Friendship 1) Have been friends with this person for over 10 years. She is married with 1 child who is approx 11. I would say she is quite straight/strict in her parenting styles e.g. wouldnt let the child play outside in their fenced in backyard at 5pm when it was still light. I had my kids late in life and am a single mum by choice. I now have twin girls who have just started school. I would say that she was a good support when I was pregnant and when I just had the girls. We have always swapped gifts at birthday's etc. She has always made the effort to celebrate my b'day with me apart from my last b'day (I have my kids and she knows I will celebrate with them). I do not have a lot of support. She has always been a good ear when I have had issue's. My mum is an alcoholic and my dad has a terminal illness. My only sibling does nothing to help.

Anyway earlier this year I was away at family holiday house in holiday units. The permanent resident next door came down whilst my kids were in the pool and started swearing at my kids saying they were feral etc. They were just swimming in a communal pool at lunch having fun. This person was calling me a C and tried to hit me was horrendous and my kids were traumatised. I think this person had been drinking. She tried to say sorry the next day but I declined. The people under our unit heard this and stood up for me (she was a teacher). She supported me so much that when I returned to my home we caught up as friends and swapped numbers. When I got back I contacted the friend as Xmas hols are the only time I have to properly catch up. She has a pool and in my state unless you have a fence around it, its illegal to have a pool without a permit. Anyway I went there and brought her and her child a Xmas gift. They didnt get anything for us (no big deal though as she has given me hand me downs before). We went in the pool and firstly they were anal about sun block out saying you can't go out in the sun unless the blockout has been on for 20 mins. She then put the block out on my kids. Then the husband came home and he was so over the top about the pool. He was paranoid about my girls peeing in the pool even though they dont do that. We went in the pool and he was fussing around the outside of the pool and he said before we got in the pool ''No yelling, when you get in the pool' i thought this was odd as isnt this what kids do in the pool when they are having fun. He did tell them off a couple of times for yelling. I then told my friend about the incident with the neighbour but said it in code/hushed as her daughter was hanging around and they really over protect her from hearing anything bad. When I stood up in the pool the husband was sitting down next to the pool listening. I then shut up. We had some fruit then left. Have not heard since. I am really confused as to what went wrong? I am kind of thinking maybe I have outgrown that friendship as in she may be too straight for me and judgemental.
She text me on my girls first day of school wishing them good luck and I replied but that was the last contact.

[Wiseman2]

Your parenting style seems to differ from your friends. All you can do is avoid mixing the children together with them if you feel they're helicopter parents and your attitudes are more liberal. 

Everyone had the right to raise and supervise their children as they see fit. The problem only comes along when you and your children are guests, so don't accept invitations where they have specific house and pool rules. 

Otherwise just think of them as friends and acquaintances without comparing parenting choices.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you had this awful experience with the woman near the pool.  However, having owned a backyard pool for my kids, I can say that yelling among my kids or their friends was not normal.  I mean, it could happen on rare occasions, but it wasn't a normal experience.  

Your comments on their sunscreen rule were judgy (and for what it's worth, I'm Australian with very British skin and I put on sunscreen before heading to the beach to get maximum effect, then sit under an umbrella when not swimming).  Her putting sunscreen on your kids is a very nice thing for her to do - I mean, it saves you doing it  .   But the harping on your kids over possibly weeing in the pool was completely unnecessary.  If they were concerned, all that is required is a comment to all kids "Have you gone to the toilet?"  And if that fails,it's what chlorine is for.  Probably time to let this connection drop.  

Anyway, are most of you/their friend's families are happy to have them over for a play date?  If so, I'd just ignore them.  But if there's more history of disharmony between friends and/or school, you may want to reconsider what's going on. 

 

[JTSW]

Firstly, you are a great mother.

Your kids sound very happy and always having fun.

Your friend sounds very anal and a very strict parent.

Her husbands paranoia about the pool was disrespectful.

Kids are not quiet when playing in a pool.

I never had many female friends but I met my best friend (wife of husbands friend) a few years ago and we are the same in every way.

We are inseparable and super close.

When you have a friend that is on your wavelength there's nothing that can come between you.

Your friend is very different and doesn't seem to approve of your parenting.

Her loss.

[ozziegal8]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

However, having owned a backyard pool for my kids, I can say that yelling among my kids or their friends was not normal.  I mean, it could happen on rare occasions, but it wasn't a normal experience.  

The kids were squealing with excitement thats what I mean about yelling.  If two 5 year old kids get in a pool and dont say a word then I'd say that is not normal.  My cousin has 2 girls, husband and wife and when their kids were same age as mine they were the same into everything and just happy little girls.  I'd be worried if they just sat there and didnt say a word.

Your comments on their sunscreen rule were judgy (and for what it's worth, I'm Australian with very British skin and I put on sunscreen before heading to the beach to get maximum effect, then sit under an umbrella when not swimming).  Her putting sunscreen on your kids is a very nice thing for her to do - I mean, it saves you doing it  .   But the harping on your kids over possibly weeing in the pool was completely unnecessary.  If they were concerned, all that is required is a comment to all kids "Have you gone to the toilet?"  And if that fails,it's what chlorine is for.  Probably time to let this connection drop.  

Anyway, are most of you/their friend's families are happy to have them over for a play date?  If so, I'd just ignore them.  But if there's more history of disharmony between friends and/or school, you may want to reconsider what's going on. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

The kids were squealing with excitement thats what I mean about yelling.  If two 5 year old kids get in a pool and dont say a word then I'd say that is not normal.  My cousin has 2 girls, husband and wife and when their kids were same age as mine they were the same into everything and just happy little girls.  I'd be worried if they just sat there and didnt say a word.

Re: Sunscreen, I was just trying to give everyone an idea of what they are like, anal.  Seriously as a Mum of twins who has time to put on sunscreen and wait 20 mins. I just put it on me and them and go out in the sun.  I've mentioned this to other mums of 2 and they also didnt even know you had to wait 20 mins.  Maybe its doable with this particular friend as she has 1 child only.

My girls also wanted to go inside to play in their daughters room, the parents were like 'Don't go in there without Lara or an adult". I just thought it was over the top.  There is no disharmony with their school friends or daycare friends in fact I've organised a daycare reunion with their mates next week.

I felt really judged as a mother after all this. Was it because of the story I told her about the lady abusing me on my holiday? Maybe she thought I am a trouble maker.

During COVID (I was in the most lockdown city in the world) I did rely on this person to communicate with (by phone). Maybe I overdid it with the phone calls?

I must say I am a very different person to her as in she is very straight and religious and I am not.

 

 

[ozziegal8]

17 hours ago, JTSW said:

Firstly, you are a great mother.

Your kids sound very happy and always having fun.

Your friend sounds very anal and a very strict parent.

Her husbands paranoia about the pool was disrespectful.

Kids are not quiet when playing in a pool.

I never had many female friends but I met my best friend (wife of husbands friend) a few years ago and we are the same in every way.

We are inseparable and super close.

When you have a friend that is on your wavelength there's nothing that can come between you.

Your friend is very different and doesn't seem to approve of your parenting.

Her loss.

Thankyou, xxx, you sound like you get it.  I am just feeling really judged as a parent.

I have also had a lot of fake friends over the years and been hurt really badly by them.  I find it hard to trust people.  I just can't understand how someone could just cut you off like that. This all happened early January and I haven't heard since.

I also did rely on her during covid as an ear to speak too as I had no one apart from my kids. Its hard for me as I dont have a partner to bounce things off so I would speak to this friend a lot about stuff going on in my life.  Maybe I overstepped the boundaries? I just dont know what i did wrong to be gaslighted like this.

[basil67]

Thanks for clarifying on the "yelling".  Yes, squealing little girls is quite normal

Yes, she is likely judging you because your kids aren't prim and proper.  But equally, you're going to pains to describe how uptight they are, so all in all, I'd say that this is simply a mismatched friendship where the mismatch only started to appear once you all spent time together.

Thankfully you're at an age where you'll be able to meet school mums who you do vibe with.  And with the large variety of kids and parenting styles, you're sure to find some who you get along with

[ozziegal8]

I'm only describing their parenting because I am trying to work out why she has just gaslit me with no explanation. Its gutless. 

[Wiseman2]

On 3/23/2023 at 9:24 PM, ozziegal8 said:

  maybe I have outgrown that friendship as in she may be too straight for me and judgemental.

She text me on my girls first day of school wishing them good luck and I replied but that was the last contact.

Perhaps she came to the same conclusion. She may be fading for that reason. That's not exactly "gaslighting", it seems more like a mutual realization that your lifestyles and values differ too much for a very close friendship. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, ozziegal8 said:

I'm only describing their parenting because I am trying to work out why she has just gaslit me with no explanation. Its gutless. 

It's not gutless because a conversation wasn't needed to make this end.  Upon leaving her home, I imagine you were already aware that she was not the good friend you thought her to be. By the way you describe her and her husband, I can't imagine you'd want to take your girls swimming with them again anyway....or to hang out with her alone.   

There are more mums at school.  You'll find your right person there.

 

[ozziegal8]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's not gutless because a conversation wasn't needed to make this end.  Upon leaving her home, I imagine you were already aware that she was not the good friend you thought her to be. By the way you describe her and her husband, I can't imagine you'd want to take your girls swimming with them again anyway....or to hang out with her alone.   

There are more mums at school.  You'll find your right person there.

 

I've been friends with her for over 10 years and she was there when I had my kids so I think I deserve an explanation

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Thanks for clarifying on the "yelling".  Yes, squealing little girls is quite normal

Yes, she is likely judging you because your kids aren't prim and proper.  But equally, you're going to pains to describe how uptight they are, so all in all, I'd say that this is simply a mismatched friendship where the mismatch only started to appear once you all spent time together.

Thankfully you're at an age where you'll be able to meet school mums who you do vibe with.  And with the large variety of kids and parenting styles, you're sure to find some who you get along with

 

[ozziegal8]

I think my main concern was that she judged me based on the incident on my holiday as in it was my fault.  The husband was sitting down next to the pool (so I couldnt see him) listening in. I thought that was odd.  If she ended the friendship because of this then she is not worth it.

[JTSW]

On 3/25/2023 at 4:06 AM, ozziegal8 said:

I am just feeling really judged as a parent.

You know in your heart that you're a great parent and your kids are happy and thriving.

That's all that matters.

On 3/25/2023 at 4:06 AM, ozziegal8 said:

I just can't understand how someone could just cut you off like that. This all happened early January and I haven't heard since.

Someone who can do that was never a friend.

A true friend will stick by you no matter what.

She has a husband so she has no idea what's it's like being a single mother.

On 3/25/2023 at 4:06 AM, ozziegal8 said:

Maybe I overstepped the boundaries? I just dont know what i did wrong to be gaslighted like this.

You did nothing wrong.

You just befriended the wrong people.

They were too judgmental and disrespectful.

Please don't let them make you question yourself.

You're doing a wonderful job as a parent.

[ozziegal8]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

You know in your heart that you're a great parent and your kids are happy and thriving.

That's all that matters.

Someone who can do that was never a friend.

A true friend will stick by you no matter what.

She has a husband so she has no idea what's it's like being a single mother.

Yes you are right and wouldn't know what it was like to have 2 kids and no help. Doubt she would be able to cope.

You did nothing wrong.

You just befriended the wrong people.

They were too judgmental and disrespectful.

Please don't let them make you question yourself.

You're doing a wonderful job as a parent.

Thankyou

 

 

[stillafool]

I agree this friendship has gone up in smoke.  Good news is there are plenty of other moms to befriend if that's what you want.  No love lost.

[stillafool]

On 3/25/2023 at 12:01 AM, ozziegal8 said:

I must say I am a very different person to her as in she is very straight and religious and I am not.

 

Maybe this is part of the problem.  You guys just aren't compatible as friends.

[ozziegal8]

On 3/27/2023 at 9:16 PM, ozziegal8 said:

 

 

She has no idea what its like being a mother to 2 either

[BrinnM]

Really hard to pinpoint what really bothered her (or her husband). I doubt it has anything to do with the swimming at their pool, your kids, or the story you told her (and her husband) about your trip and the yelling neighbor. Must be something else that you’re probably missing because it’s not on your radar. Maybe she dislikes you as a person, and just figured it out recently, or her husband doesn’t like you for whatever reason. Single parents (moms especially) sometimes have a harder time finding a friendship circle, as they’re “different”, or sometimes considered a threat. I’ve got a single mom cousin with 2 boys in middle & in high-school (I am my nephews godmother so I see them a LOT) and she says the same. She’s a high earner and successful, but works a lot, and feels like since her divorce she’s been slowly ghosted by all her married friends. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Not sure why. She’s very lovely, and I’m not saying this just because she’s family.