10 years later

[Waterwoman2]

I used to post here after I found out about my H's affair in 2012. 

I wanted to come back with an update. Initially I think there was some rug-sweeping, I 'forgave' too soon. Even H wasn't convinced I was over it but I guess he was just happy that I wasn't yelling and sobbing all the time. However the silent damage didn't go away even with MC and IC. 

Over the next few years a weird thing happened. H learned how to open up. He learned to notice my triggers and actually talk to me.  Years later he would notice my quietness and take my hand and talk to me about how much he loved me and valued me and how sorry he was. And I've learned to appreciate and express that to the man I married. We aren't perfect people but that doesn't matter any more. We are each others people. We belong. 

My father died last month. He has been ill for a few years with Parkinsons and was 91 when he died. H was my stalwart support. He has been by my side through every hospital visit, every scare, every time we thought we'd lose dad. He has been with me when I have been with my mum to support her through all the many crises that arose while dad was ill, and at the end when she wept and mourned and felt guilt that she hadnt done enough. I've never loved or appreciated my man more than I do right now and that feeling just seems to grow over time.

Sadly H's big sister also passed away recently. They weren't close but it has still hit him hard. I'm trying to be the support he needs as he was to me.

In the past crises would drive a wedge between us because we weren't secure enough in each other I think. Now they seem to glue us together more strongly. 

I guess the point of this ramble is to say it can get better, much better. I feel so lucky that we stuck by each other through the pain.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Waterwoman2 said:

  I guess the point of this ramble is to say it can get better, much better. I feel so lucky that we stuck by each other through the pain.

It's good you stuck it out and recovered from the affair. Is this your original situation?:

 

[Waterwoman2]

Yes

[Waterwoman2]

Affair was during our 20th year of marriage.

[Bittersweetie]

Waterwoman, I remember you. I am sorry for your recent losses.

One thing stood out from your post, the way you talked about your husband opening up. I was the WS. Before, when things got hard or overwhelming, I would turn into myself. I realized doing so was not healthy and part of what led me to make terrible choices. I learned to turn toward my husband and not away from him. I think what you said about secure is right...I can't speak for my H, but I don't think I felt secure in myself which is why I pulled inward rather than asking for help in difficult times. 

It's been over 13 years since d-day for us with many hard times. We do handle things differently now than we did before, in a much healthier manner. I also feel lucky to still be with my H, and I am very lucky and fortunate he gave me a second chance. I appreciate that every day. And I agree that things can get better, regardless of the path one chooses. 

[seren]

We are16 years on from DDay, I rarely come here, but when I do it always saddens me to read the pain others write about as I remember well how that felt. We decided that our 23 year long marriage deserved a second chance after H’s affair. We looked at the why’s of it and we worked hard at changing and repairing our relationship.

It took around 2 years before I could look ahead and not keep looking back, too much revisiting keeps a person stuck and I so needed to move on, it was exhausting feeling so hurt. Now, we’re closer than ever, we rarely talk about then, not because we’re in denial but because we’re too busy living our life.  
H has been my rock and my safe and peaceful place, I’ve had a chronic illness for many years, he’s been so very supportive, I couldn’t manage to live as we do without him neither could he without me.

We are grandparents and thank goodness that we’re still together to enjoy all that brings.  We both feel we’re where we want to be and where we should be, we belong together.

When he told me I sat and thought about how my life would be without him in it if I left, I didn’t need H for money, security etc.  I just loved him and knew I would always miss him if we split up.  He says he couldn’t think about how it would be if we were no longer together.  I’m so glad we decided to work on us and our relationship. We’re happy, we have arguments like all couples, but, they’re never about the A, we’re happy despite it.

Its not easy to reconcile after an A, it’s hard work, but, there comes a point where you just get bored talking about it, sick of feeling angry or a victim and just want to get on with life.  I unpicked the why of it until I understood it, it ceased to be important after a few days, our marriage and our future was more important.  Me and he are both changed by it, but, he’s still my love and I his.  We all live just once, we all owe it to ourselves to be happy, but never at the expense of others. It’s always been my mantra and I try to do just that. 

[Will am I]

@Waterwoman2

I recently heard something on a podcast that might being some more closure.

 

There was a sociology professor on the show, who did research into people's motivations in infidelity. She interviewed abouut 4 dozen men and 4 dozen women who were cheating on their spouses. Common denominator in all the men: they never actually wanted to leave or substitute their wives. What they craved for was a sense of belonging, feeling desired, and connecting intimately with their wives. The affairs seem more like pain killers then anything else in that light. 

The positive takeaway is: if you're a wife and your husband has been cheating, chances are that he really wants a deeper connection with you and not another woman. Which implies that there can indeed be a good (and even better) future in the marriage.

Here's the link: https://risingphoenixpodcast.com/

Episode 98 "Infidelity" -- 15:15 into the podcast.

 

[Waterwoman2]

Thank Will

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds great! ... don't mean to dismiss your earlier pain, but what you guys have now sounds great.

What you report aligns with what some of the best marriage counselors say, which is that a couple can recover from an affair.

But actually the marriage counselors say it differently. They say a couple can rebuild a new relationship after an affair (which destroys the previous relationship). And that new relationship can be a lot more tender and open and loving than the previous relationship. Not guaranteed for this to happen, but the point is couples can get really close--amazingly close--as they rebuild things after an affair.  Oh, and they do say it takes years for this rebuilding and retrusting to occur. 

Congrats to you and to hubby for doing the work of forgiving and loving and trusting and being kind and open to each other!!!!!!

[NotCamelot]

I was here in 2012 as well.   I don't visit here very often at all now days.   Thankfully, I don't feel the need for the kind support I received at that awful time.  I do like reading update posts from those that were here at LS back then - seeing success stories.  

We are 11 years out from D-Day.  I think of it sometimes, but not as much as in the past.  It does not hurt that bad anymore.  My W has really made things great.  I think when all realize what could have been lost, we tend to show much more appreciation for those who love us.

I would never, ever, want to go through anything like that again.  I am so sorry for those that do.

OP - I am so happy that things are going well for you.   However, I am sorry for the sadness that has surrounded you lately.   BTW - it was during our 20th year as well......just 2 days before anniversary.

Edited April 10, 2023 by NotCamelot

[pepperbird2]

I remember you. I am glad to hear you’re doing well.

[merrmeade]

On 4/6/2023 at 2:55 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

a couple can rebuild a new relationship after an affair (which destroys the previous relationship). And that new relationship can be a lot more tender and open and loving than the previous relationship.

This…

I first posted in 3012 as well and slowed to checking in here maybe once a year.

I watched something last night that mad me think about the role of remorse in starting over. It was a mother who abandoned her husband and three children ages 9-11. When one of them tracked her down three years later, she showed no remorse or awareness of the pain she’d caused. Different but same. You have to have this to recover individually and as a couple. 
 

At the time I thought I needed more. Ivthought he needed to feel and understand every new gut-wrenching insight i had on the injuries his betrayals had inflicted on me.  I didn’t get that, but I got a different, better man that still patiently waits and hopes all my resentment is spent and I can love him inreservedly. We’re almost thrre