Disconnecting and where next

[riverdeep33]

Hi all. I wondered if anyone could help. 
Me and my partner have just split up. Whilst it wasn’t a perfect relationship (it never is), it was a strong one, with very few problems: or so I thought. I found him on dating apps several times - all apparently for his own validation from others (I know). He broke it off rather than tackling this, suggesting we weren’t happy etc and I’ve been branded the villain for a reason I am yet to understand. 
The split has been hard and it has gotten a bit heated over the discussions of who gets what. 
 

i know I will need complete separation and full disconnection to get through this. 
 

The issue is we have a cat together. He does not want to give him up and is demanding access. 
i don’t want to give him up but I don’t want to see my ex either. So I am faced with the decision of giving him the cat, or destroying myself. 
If I put the needs of the cat first then the decision for him to stay with me is best because I work less hours, get a lot more holidays and the cat can safely come and go through the flap in an environment he knows.  My feelings aside, it is the right thing for the cat to stay but I just can’t bring myself to have an ongoing connection with my ex. 
 

I know this sounds stupid. What do I do? 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, riverdeep33 said:

. He does not want to give him up and is demanding access. 

i don’t want to give him up but I don’t want to see my ex either. So I am faced with the decision of giving him the cat, or destroying myself. 
 

He can't "demand" visitation for a cat. Do whatever is best for the cat. Your BF is history.

[riverdeep33]

My issue is we co-bought him so it’s tricky. I feel he will resent me forever and I don’t want to hurt him by denying him access, but equally I know two things…

1) selfishly our contact will destroy me and prevent me from moving on. 
2) this is absolutely the right thing for the cat given the home and environment I can give him. 

[basil67]

How organised is he?  IF he often relied on your to coordinate things, I'd take a passive aggressive approach.  I'd tell him that I agree to the shared custody and for him to let me know when he's figured out a schedule and pick up times.  Of course, you can't give him keys to your home, so he'd have to come at your convenience.   

Hopefully he never gets around to it.  Or does it once and doesn't bother again

(Hubby and I both use this technique when people us to make/fix things for them.  Putting the onus back on them to get things started works really really well as an avoidance technique)

[riverdeep33]

Yeah he is very organised and he will do it. 
I just don’t want him in and out of my life. 
 

he also works 12-13 hour shifts, plus 2 hrs round trip travelling. It just makes zero sense for the cat to be with him if I give him up. 
 

I feel I cannot win (not that it’s about winning). I want to put the cats needs first but he is seeing this as me being controlling and cruel. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, riverdeep33 said:

 I want to put the cats needs first but he is seeing this as me being controlling and cruel. 

Try not to make the cat a point of contention. Keep the cat. You're allowing him to drag things out by allowing his manipulation about who gets the cat. Hopefully you'll realize this is about a continued power struggle and he's using an emotionally charged topic to continue the tug of war. 

He's using emotional warfare, that is why he's choosing the cat as the tool to get to you. He simply doesn't want you to have it because he knows you're emotional about it and it's an effective way to get to you. Stop arguing about the cat. You're playing right into his hands.

Once you're gone, keep the cat, keep your doors locked and delete and block him. Try not to let him manipulate you this much. It's not "complicated". This is not a child that he has any legal rights to visit, that's just gaslighting.

[riverdeep33]

Thank you. 
 

my worry is that when we bought the cat he did all the registering. So it’s chip is in his name, registered with the Vets in his name, so I don’t really have a legal foot to stand on. 
 

he thinks I’m being grossly unreasonable as he has no issue with popping over to pick up and drop the cat off. 
 

I just cannot have that situation. I still very much love him 

he will say this is me being cruel controlling and petty. 

Edited March 25, 2023 by riverdeep33

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, riverdeep33 said:

 So it’s chip is in his name, registered with the Vets in his name, so I don’t really have a legal foot to stand on.he thinks I’m being grossly unreasonable as he has no issue with popping over to pick up and drop the cat off. I just cannot have that situation. I still very much love him 

Are you trying to keep a connection with him through the cat? It seems like you still want a relationship and the cat issue is to keep him bonded to you?

Talk to your veterinarian about this and whatever legalities exist in your jurisdiction. If the cat is legally his property, it may be best for you to let go. In fact, it solves the problem of him visiting you. You need to let go.  If the cat is not your property, you can't just take it. Read up on what constitutes pet ownership in your jurisdiction.  If it's not technically your cat, you need to stop arguing with him about it.

[riverdeep33]

No I’m not trying to keep a connection. I actually want and think the cat should stay here. He will have a far better life. 
 

we both bought him but he registered the cat in his name. I didn’t think anything of it at the time and assumed it was just easier. 
 

this isn’t about me holding on or anything. I know it would solve the issue by letting him go but it just doesn’t sit right that the cat should suffer because he decided to leave. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, riverdeep33 said:

. I actually want and think the cat should stay here. 

Do you live together? What is the cat's primary household at this time? 

From your last thread about his cheating and lack of affection, it seems like you dodged a bullet. However if you want complete distance from him, you'll need to let him have his cat.

[riverdeep33]

We did live together. He moved out (my house), and the cat lives here with me - always has. 

[ZA Dater]

Please put the cat first! Frankly if he is willing to sue you for custody of a cat I'd be very amazed.

[NuevoYorko]

Your cat really will be fine either way, most likely.

You have a simple choice to make, and neither of the choices are ideal for you. 

1)  Let him have the cat.

2) Deal with "shared custody,"

As someone posted above, I doubt that your ex will follow through with very much visitation or taking the cat to his home if you go for the "shared custody" solution.  Honestly, hanging out with a cat is not that rewarding if it's done on a "visitation" type of program.   Not like a dog where you would take it for a walk, play frisbee, to to the beach etc.  Cats are also generally less flexible and might not take kindly to "weekends at Dad's house" when they feel at home where they are.

[stillafool]

Well you can't have the cat and not let your ex have visitation.  You have to make the choice of which is more important to you, keeping the cat or maintaining your sanity and getting over your ex.  He's not coming back.  I agree that the cat isn't going to take kindly to being shuffled from one home to another the way a dog or goldfish would.  When my ex husband and I divorced we tried that with our cat and he didn't like my place at all (even though I had large windows that showed a pretty yard with birds), he just hid under the bed.  I just gave in and let my ex husband have him because that was what was best for Cooper.  I'm sure your ex will eventually do the same once he see's the cat's reaction to being taken away from it's home.  I predict once he takes him to his place, that will be the last.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry OP, I am an animal-lover too, but I would give him the cat. 

It is not worth the strife of managing "visitation."  Get this guy out of your life for good, and consider adopting another furry friend in the future for yourself. And don't let anyone have another chance after you catch them on dating apps. There is no "tackling" that. It should be a deal-breaker, and if you overlooked it and continued after catching him the first time, you need to reflect on where your standards are.

Strong relationships don't include a partner sneaking around for other people. It seems you have been lying to yourself about how bad things actually were. 

[JTSW]

On 3/25/2023 at 7:38 AM, riverdeep33 said:

he thinks I’m being grossly unreasonable as he has no issue with popping over to pick up and drop the cat off. 

You cannot do that with a cat.

Its not a child.

It will get confused and distressed then eventually run off.

He is the one that went outside of your relationship so he can make the sacrifices. 

Who cares what he thinks of you.

You do what is best for the cat

[riverdeep33]

Thanks everyone. Sorry I didn't get notifications so didn't see all the responses.

I do feel so very mixed about it all, and so full of sadness. I'd love to say there was a future between me and him, but I know there isn't. I've clearly not made him happy which is why he has resorted to "seeking validation from others" through Grindr!  Whilst there was, in my mind so much more right than wrong, clearly to him that was not the case. For context, we have been together for 10 years, so this is VERY hard and it is destroying me.  I am feeling so very lost; this has all happened over the last 7 days!

As for the cat, I hear everyone's points and I think the only options are that he stays with me or goes with him. If he wants the cat, then I am going to have to give him to him. I just think that is for the absolute wrong reasons; to satisfy his own needs, rather than the cats.  The cat would have a far far better life here; we both know that.  My ex would see that as me being controlling by only providing these options, but I 100% know I am just wanting what is right for the cat (I really am).

We haven't talked about what to do yet. He is off on holiday next week with his friend (an actual friend) - the one we were both due to go on, so I guess I should let things calm and reach out when he returns.

A big part of me wants to reach out now, so it is done with and decided; given I feel in limbo.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, riverdeep33 said:

A big part of me wants to reach out now, so it is done with and decided; given I feel in limbo.

That is exactly what I would do. 

This guy destroyed your relationship. .I wouldn't give him the benefit of letting things "calm." I would tell him now to come and take the cat for good, or let you keep him. No back-and-forth. Don't let him put you in limbo after what he did to you and your relationship. Make a clean break and tie up these loose ends now. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, riverdeep33 said:

 he has resorted to "seeking validation from others" through Grindr!   I am going to have to give him to him

Yes. Use this time to reflect and regroup. You may feel a lot better if you completely wash your hands of him. No unfinished business, no loose ends, no shared anything.

[riverdeep33]

I think that’s where I am. 
he’s not a big talker, so I’ve sent him the options, ie sharing isn’t an option and the cat either stays or goes. I’ve asked him to put the needs of the cat first and I’ll graciously accept the decision. 
 

I do feel terrible about this I’m hurting him.  I know he did what he did, but I guess he has his reasons (he is actually an amazing man), and I clearly made him so unhappy that he couldn’t talk about it and he needed to go elsewhere.  
 

I know I originally upset him by saying I wouldn’t get married, have kids or buy a house whilst this trust issue was hanging over us. He saw that as me refusing us a future, rather than fixing the issues we clearly had now…

..and here we are!  So very very sad. 

I’ll brace myself for the kick off. 
 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, riverdeep33 said:

 "seeking validation from others" through Grindr!

Is this a same sex relationship or is he pansexual?  That might be very significant as far as the chronic cheating, incompatibilities and lack of affection that characterized your relationship. However if it's over now, focus on severing all ties.

[riverdeep33]

Same sex and he has massively declined in sex since the pandemic. Depression, anxiety etc.  I stood by him but don’t think he realised the impact on me either. 
As I say I’d love to fix it as I am madly in love with him but he’s not even open to it. It’s why I want a decision on the cat so I can start to grieve if that makes sense. 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, riverdeep33 said:

I know he did what he did, but I guess he has his reasons (he is actually an amazing man), and I clearly made him so unhappy that he couldn’t talk about it and he needed to go elsewhere.  

I really hope you don't believe any of this. Because if you do, you have some serious work to do on your self-esteem. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, riverdeep33 said:

 I want a decision on the cat so I can start to grieve if that makes sense. 

Give him the cat. It's your decision to make. It may not be what you want and a adjustment for the cat, but it will sever ties.  The longer both of you dig your heels in and drag this out the longer both of you will be trapped in a tug-of-war and miserable. It's your call. Don't keep extending the power struggle. 

Edited March 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[riverdeep33]

I’ve given him the options of he keeps the cat or I do and made it clear that sharing is not fair on the cat and not fair on me, so that isn’t an option. 

Radio silence! But I expect he will be upset. 
 

Sadly I do wish I worked harder, compromised more and I was there for him. Clearly I wasn’t enough and I miss him terribly. He is a kind, sensitive soul who has clearly gotten very lost. I know it’s terrible but I do want him back and can feel myself spiralling as I come to terms with him not being here. It’s been 10 years together.