ExpatInItaly Posted April 3, 2023 Share Posted April 3, 2023 I'm sorry you're having a bad day, OP. Have you looked into professional counselling? The very fact that you stayed in this dysfunction as long as you did indicates you could really use some professional guidance, and a god therapist can help you untangle these thoughts and move forward with improved self-worth You accepted very bad behaviour on his part for way too long. And sometimes we need an extra hand to help us rise above that and move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 3, 2023 Share Posted April 3, 2023 3 minutes ago, riverdeep33 said: He gave me half the money for my ticket - claims he couldn’t afford more - I know that’s not true Time to get more assertive. You are letting him walk all over you. Tell him straight that you want the rest of your money for the ticket and that he needs to make a decision NOW, not after the holiday. Tell him if he can't make the decision now then you are keeping the cat, end of discussion. You need to stop blaming yourself and take your life back. Don't let him walk all over you anymore. Be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 3, 2023 Author Share Posted April 3, 2023 Hmm. I still love him and it’s hard when I feel like I’ve caused all this. I also don’t want to stress the cat by forcing something. The cat isn’t to blame and I’m trying to keep a stable home for him. All he will say is fine and to put him into kennels until back, but there’s no way in hell I’m doing that. I still think we could have fixed this. That’s my issue. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 3, 2023 Share Posted April 3, 2023 1 minute ago, riverdeep33 said: Hmm. I still love him and it’s hard when I feel like I’ve caused all this. I also don’t want to stress the cat by forcing something. The cat isn’t to blame and I’m trying to keep a stable home for him. All he will say is fine and to put him into kennels until back, but there’s no way in hell I’m doing that. I still think we could have fixed this. That’s my issue. Stop. You haven't caused this. He did. You are so blinded by your love for him that you can't see what a pos he is. He can't demand you to put the cat in the kennels and even of he does tell him no the cat is now yours. It's not 100% his decision. You need to get your head out of the sand and wake up. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 3, 2023 Share Posted April 3, 2023 15 minutes ago, riverdeep33 said: . All he will say is fine and to put him into kennels until back,. Try not to accuse him of using you as a cat sitter. You're understandably upset the relationship is over, but don't use the cat as a tool to get back at him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 3, 2023 Author Share Posted April 3, 2023 Yeah I’ve no intentions which is why I’m not getting into a debate with him. I’ll let him make the decision. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 3, 2023 Share Posted April 3, 2023 Just now, riverdeep33 said: I’ll let him make the decision. Why can't you make the decision? Take a stand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 3, 2023 Author Share Posted April 3, 2023 Well it’s a shared cat it he means a lot to him. im not wanting a battle or fight with him. It’s just a waiting game in that regard my issue is the grief and I know I’m spiralling and circling I just am struggling to deal with it all Being off work doesn’t knowing I should be on holiday with him doesn’t help; and I know he will be living his best life not giving a damn Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 4, 2023 Share Posted April 4, 2023 19 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: Well it’s a shared cat it he means a lot to him. im not wanting a battle or fight with him. Take ownership of the cat and tell him that its living with you now. You are waiting because you want to see him again when he gets back. There's no other reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 4, 2023 Share Posted April 4, 2023 On 4/3/2023 at 2:34 PM, riverdeep33 said: my issue is the grief and I know I’m spiralling and circling I just am struggling to deal with it all I asked before, but have you considered counselling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 4, 2023 Author Share Posted April 4, 2023 I know I’m stuck. I just can’t and don’t want to see a life without him. And it sucks he doesn’t feel the same. I can’t come to terms with it. yeah I contacted a counsellor yesterday. Hopefully will hear something soon. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 4, 2023 Share Posted April 4, 2023 On 4/2/2023 at 7:47 AM, riverdeep33 said: Having a difficult day today. I know I’m spiralling. my thoughts… - please come back, let’s fix this -I miss you so much - ......... etc. Saying "I'm spiraling" is enough. Listing all the thoughts you're having about repairing / getting back together etc. is not healthy. You are capable of not doing that. Help yourself, and don't wallow this way. You can have your feelings without indulging in this listing stuff. It will take you backwards every time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 11, 2023 Author Share Posted April 11, 2023 So its been a week. He has been on our holiday. I’ve been feeling like crap and really coming to terms with this mess and loss. so far I’ve resisted the urge to contact him at all. I’ve referred myself to counselling and I’ve done a lot of crying and hurting. still no decision on the cat. He messaged me before the holiday to say he will think about it whilst away. I know he arrived back yesterday morning. Do I keep waiting? Do I message? I need this to be not hanging over me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 11, 2023 Author Share Posted April 11, 2023 He’s taking the cat! basically said the cat belongs with him, it’s his cat and it will make him happy. No reference to the cats needs. Said he needs to wait until he gets a place and asks politely I take care of the cat until he does his final stab - he knows I’m finding this harder than he is! I said no to waiting! This is outrageous. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 12, 2023 Share Posted April 12, 2023 7 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: I said no to waiting! And what did he say to that? Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted April 12, 2023 Share Posted April 12, 2023 In negotiation terms, he's assuming a dominant role. It's the emotional strings attached to each negotiable item that make this extra hard. I recommend using a close friend for venting and to check if your negotioating positions are realistic yet sufficiently ambitious. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 12, 2023 Share Posted April 12, 2023 8 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: he gets a place and asks politely I take care of the cat until he does I said no to waiting. So what is the final outcome? Are you going to keep the cat until he has a place for it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 12, 2023 Author Share Posted April 12, 2023 No. I’ve said he has until tomorrow. I’m now tired of everything on his terms whilst my suffering continues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 12, 2023 Share Posted April 12, 2023 9 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: He’s taking the cat! basically said the cat belongs with him, it’s his cat and it will make him happy. No reference to the cats needs. Said he needs to wait until he gets a place and asks politely I take care of the cat until he does his final stab - he knows I’m finding this harder than he is! I said no to waiting! This is outrageous. He's a selfish POS. He's just taking the cat out of spite. He can't take it if he doesn't have anywhere to live. Grow a backbone and tell him straight that either he finds a place by the following day or the cat lives with you permanently. You let him walk all over you and dictate everything. Stand up for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 12, 2023 Share Posted April 12, 2023 16 minutes ago, riverdeep33 said: No. I’ve said he has until tomorrow. I’m now tired of everything on his terms whilst my suffering continues. Then make everything on your terms. Be firm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 12, 2023 Author Share Posted April 12, 2023 He’s used all sorts of language to say how it’s his cat and he’s better off with him - 5 weeks after leaving and not a single message! he said he’s been busy (on holiday). His view is if I can’t share him then he is having him as “this is the right thing for me.” Part of me wants to say FU and take me to court! He has been utterly cruel, not in the decision, but just in letting my stew for a month whilst he has had a good life and free cat care. In the meantime the cat has settled, bonded with me and is secure. if he said a month ago, yeah I’m taking the cat now, then fine, but he has played a game. His closing line “I know you’re finding this harder than I am” grrrr! I’ve said Thursday. If he doesn’t reply (he has read it) then I’ll just say sod it, take me to court. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 12, 2023 Share Posted April 12, 2023 18 minutes ago, riverdeep33 said: Part of me wants to say FU and take me to court! Do it! He wont stand a chance because he doesn't have a place to live and he wont be able to provide for the cat. Don't let this douchebag win. He doesn't care how you feel and he just seems to get off on rubbing salt into the wound. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 12, 2023 Author Share Posted April 12, 2023 He said he’s got a place to move into next week I cannot believe how hurtful he is being. Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted April 12, 2023 Share Posted April 12, 2023 It strikes me that your ex partner somehow needs to villify you. I think there might be an OW involved, who somehow buys into his “evil ex” narrative about you. At least that is my experience when I see people who get much angrier and more resentful with their ex after the break-up. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 12, 2023 Share Posted April 12, 2023 1 hour ago, riverdeep33 said: I cannot believe how hurtful he is being. Then hit him where it hurts and keep the cat. Link to post Share on other sites
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