ExpatInItaly Posted March 29, 2023 Share Posted March 29, 2023 You can’t see the forest for the trees here. Kind, sensitive, amazing men don’t go on dating sites looking for a replacement. In time, you will see that you have a very warped view of who this man really is and how badly this relationship devolved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 29, 2023 Share Posted March 29, 2023 11 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: I know it’s terrible but I do want him back and can feel myself spiralling as I come to terms with him not being here. It’s been 10 years together. Why do you feel terrible when he was the one on a hook up site trying to get laid by another guy, but doesn't want sex with you? Then he broke up with you for saying something about it. Be sad you didn't kick him to the curb earlier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted March 29, 2023 Author Share Posted March 29, 2023 I guess I just see how tolerant he was of me and my introverted ways. I feel responsible for taking him to that point. it all just conflicts with reality. We got on so well, he was loving, caring, funny and so understanding of me. That’s not the rose tinted glasses either - he genuinely was an absolute gent. Perhaps it was the guilt? Just makes me feel so sad about what on earth the last 10 years was about. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 6 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: Just makes me feel so sad about what on earth the last 10 years was about Relationships can change over time. Maybe the majority was good, but somewhere along the way, it all went badly. He was not a "gent" in the slightest when he started going on dating apps. You are still in deep denial, but in time, you will see that he is just not the person you thought he was anymore. 6 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: I just see how tolerant he was of me and my introverted ways This is not justification to cheat. There is never justification to cheat, but being introverted is never a reason to go behind your back. He went behind your back because he's a selfish person with no respect for you. That's it. I hope you get this cat sorted soon so you can cut off all contact forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 I'm really sorry but looking at your posting history, I do not get the impression that your relationship was so lovely as you're describing it today. It sounds like it was absolutely fraught with issues. I know that this will be meaningful right now, but you will be far better off without this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted March 30, 2023 Author Share Posted March 30, 2023 Thanks everyone. I do feel self aware that I am spiralling and trying to control a situation that can’t be controlled I guess. I’d love to hate him, it would make it easier; but I don’t think I ever will. He hasn’t replied about the cat. I think he is parking that decision as he head off on our holiday next week! Free cat care until he comes back I suspect. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said: looking at your posting history, I do not get the impression that your relationship was so lovely as you're describing it today Absolutely correct. I have also looked at your past threads, OP. Your relationship has been off the rails for years, and you've been refusing to see it. You still are. This man has treated you poorly for a long time. I would really strongly encourage you to seek some therapy. You have dismissed or excused way too much bad behaviour on his part, and don't seem to want to see the truth. It's time to make some real changes in your life. He isn't your future, and that's been clear for years now. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 9 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: he was loving, caring, funny and so understanding of me. That’s not the rose tinted glasses either - he genuinely was an absolute gent. Yeah men that are going behind their SO's backs will be super loving and attentive. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 1 hour ago, riverdeep33 said: . I’d love to hate him, it would make it easier; but I don’t think I ever will. You don't have to "hate" him. You just have to come up with a decision about the cat so you can move forward and find happiness with someone who's more compatible. It's difficult ending the attachment of a 10 year relationship but living apart and rediscovering yourself will help you move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted March 30, 2023 Author Share Posted March 30, 2023 It’s a difficult one because actually the first issues were around me not wanting commitment. He moved in and we had a great few years. Then the pandemic hit, as did his depression and here we are. m I just feel so sad when there wasn’t a chance to repair but I know this is one me and I know there isn’t a way back. Just a hard pill to swallow. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 (edited) I wrote my original response before I'd read all the comments. Having read them all, I think the decision that he should either have the cat or let you have the cat is the best way to go. I wish you the best. Edited March 30, 2023 by Acacia98 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 4 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: It’s a difficult one because actually the first issues were around me not wanting commitment. It doesn't really matter whose "fault" it was. You started posting 5 years ago and it was not good. You're minimizing the serious issues you had. They can be left in the past, unless recalling them helps you understand that it's good to be finished with this relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted March 30, 2023 Author Share Posted March 30, 2023 I think unlike previous times where I was in denial that it was over and pulled out all the stops, this time I do know it is and I can't go back - so I think there has been some growth there I guess. I do believe that all of this is symptomatic of his depression and wanting more. It is just a hard pill to swallow when you're rejected for who you are. I just don't know how people come to terms with that and the thought of being single again (the gay world post 35 is not great). I also don't really have that many friends, so its quite isolating at the moment. He has reached out tonight and said he will "seriously think" about the options whilst he is on [our] holiday next week and come back to me. The pessimist in me thinks he wants free cat care for a week and he will come back and want the cat. I don't want the cat in kennels for a week; that would just be cruel for no reason other than to spite him, so I will endure for a week. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 On 3/31/2023 at 2:32 AM, riverdeep33 said: He has reached out tonight and said he will "seriously think" about the options whilst he is on [our] holiday next week and come back to me. The pessimist in me thinks he wants free cat care for a week and he will come back and want the cat. I don't want the cat in kennels for a week; that would just be cruel for no reason other than to spite him, so I will endure for a week. Try to think of it as doing a favour for the cat instead of for your ex. You will feel alot better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 On 3/30/2023 at 2:32 PM, riverdeep33 said: . I don't want the cat in kennels for a week; that would just be cruel for no reason other than to spite him, so I will endure for a week. Please don't use the cat as a weapon. Either keep the cat or give it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 1, 2023 Author Share Posted April 1, 2023 I’m not using the cat as a weapon. Whatever he decides he can do. I just want the decision either way if that makes sense. I’ve no intention of fighting the decision etc. I just feel stuck until it’s sorted. Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 On 3/24/2023 at 10:45 PM, riverdeep33 said: He broke it off rather than tackling this, suggesting we weren’t happy etc and I’ve been branded the villain for a reason I am yet to understand. The keyword that you might br looking for is “narrative”. It’s story that your ex-partner tells himself to put the break-up decision in a chain of events that somehow makes sense to him. Most people in a break-up change their narrative about their ex-partner, few change the narrative about themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 (edited) On 3/25/2023 at 12:38 AM, riverdeep33 said: he will say this is me being cruel controlling and petty. Hmmm. So you have the better home and schedule and yet he is trying to claim "visitation rights" for this cat and then says stuff like this. Interesting. Look up "DARVO." Edited April 1, 2023 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 1, 2023 Author Share Posted April 1, 2023 I know I know. I feel I am to blame and when I write down everything he has done, it’s clear I’m not. I guess everyone needs a story to make themselves the villain. He is no different. it’s all just incredibly sad and the cat decision just needs to happen. The reality is this is going to take at least another 8 days 1 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted April 2, 2023 Share Posted April 2, 2023 Try not to stress over it too much and not view this period as a you vs your ex kind of situation. Try to take this time as spending more time with your cat, giving it love and treats and make whatever remaining memories with the cat. If your ex chooses to let you keep the cat, good, if he doesn't, then you can at least take comfort in the fact that you didn't waste any opportunity to love on the cat and let it know you loved it when you had the chance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 2, 2023 Author Share Posted April 2, 2023 Having a difficult day today. I know I’m spiralling. my thoughts… - please come back, let’s fix this -I miss you so much - I’m so sorry for whatever I did - why am I not enough. - the person who saw everything about me had to leave… that makes me feel so insecure and sick - how can I fix this - I don’t want anyone else I’m old and ugly you have your youth (30/38) - gay years - I won’t find anyone again - how can I trust anyone - I feel so incredibly alone. - it should be us on holiday now. - why aren’t you feeling the pain I am? Why don’t you want to fix this with me. Why aren’t we worth it? I read around online and hear the well intended words and quotes that uplift and try to get you to rebuild…. They aren’t worth it, love yourself, no response is a response, don’t be a victim etc. but they are all just words. Things people have to say. the reality is I just feel sh*T and I long for him and the life we had. Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted April 2, 2023 Share Posted April 2, 2023 On 3/27/2023 at 3:13 PM, riverdeep33 said: If he wants the cat, then I am going to have to give him to him. no you don't. Registration on a chip is not the "be all end all" of pet ownership. Let him sue you. (animals are property) You can both go in front of a judge and see how much weight the judge puts on the microchip registration (next to none). You can get a cheap consult from the website avvo about these sorts of legal matters. The cat is legally property, and just like all property in a breakup, the judge will take several factors into consideration. Worst case scenario, you might have to pay him back for some of the vet fees he paid since you'll be keeping the cat. This POS has already robbed you of so much self worth, don't let him rob anything else from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 2, 2023 Author Share Posted April 2, 2023 I think you’re right about the cat. I’m just making the most of this week and we will see. Whilst I want to fight for him, it’s not worth the battle. Im at peace with whatever that decision will be. I just need to focus on myself but admittedly I’m struggling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted April 3, 2023 Share Posted April 3, 2023 20 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: it should be us on holiday now. - why aren’t you feeling the pain I am? Why don’t you want to fix this with me. Why aren’t we worth it? Because he's selfish. He doesn't care. On 3/30/2023 at 7:32 PM, riverdeep33 said: said he will "seriously think" about the options whilst he is on [our] holiday next week ^ Selfish. Why aren't you on this holiday if it was both of yours? Did you both pay? He's living it up on holiday, probably with other women while you are torturing yourself. He's not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted April 3, 2023 Author Share Posted April 3, 2023 He gave me half the money for my ticket - claims he couldn’t afford more - I know that’s not true but the other option was I buy his ticket off him (I couldn’t afford it and he knew that), or cancel it for us both. So I just took what I could. I do feel so very very sad and the more I try to read or help myself out of it, I just get lost in cliches which mean nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
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