Cheryl_C Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 I have been having casual sex on and off with this guy since the summer. I have treated him badly on several different occasions and I have accused of him certain things I've crossed a lot of boundaries. I am aware of my behavior and I know the way that I have treated him is wrong. Hence the reason why I decided to go to therapy to work on my unresolved issues. We stopped talking in January and recently I called him and he asked to see me. He's a good looking guy, he makes good money and he's sweet. He can easily find another woman to have casual sex with. Women like men who have good paying jobs and who make decent money. I get that I'm available to him which is why he probably prefers to sleep with me. But still at some point the sex isn't worth all the drama. I guess I'm just trying to understand why he hasn't left me alone after everything I've done? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Cheryl_C said: But still at some point the sex isn't worth all the drama. I think some men will put up with a lot of drama to have sex. Just saying… Why will a man keep having sex with a woman who has treated him badly - because it’s still sex. Edited March 25, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 25, 2023 Share Posted March 25, 2023 Probably because you're having sex with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SydkneeQuncle Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 How often have you engaged in casual sex? It isn't really casual for all people or men. It might be causal in thought but if you are comfortable then presume he is trying to get to a level of operation and hopes to normalize your relations to a mutually agreeable position. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 55 minutes ago, Cheryl_C said: I have been having casual sex on and off with this guy since the summer. I have treated him badly on several different occasions and I have accused of him certain things I've crossed a lot of boundaries. I am aware of my behavior and I know the way that I have treated him is wrong. Hence the reason why I decided to go to therapy to work on my unresolved issues. We stopped talking in January and recently I called him and he asked to see me. He's a good looking guy, he makes good money and he's sweet. He can easily find another woman to have casual sex with. Women like men who have good paying jobs and who make decent money. I get that I'm available to him which is why he probably prefers to sleep with me. But still at some point the sex isn't worth all the drama. I guess I'm just trying to understand why he hasn't left me alone after everything I've done? What you describe as treating him badly probably happens with every woman he's having casual sex with. He's probably used to women getting hung up on him and becoming emotional after sex because they want more than casual sex from him; but are afraid to admit it for fear of rejection. Why does he put up with it? Simple, because he likes the sex and that's what he has to endure to get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 38 minutes ago, Cheryl_C said: But still at some point the sex isn't worth all the drama. I am guessing that he is addicted to drama. He is attracted to a roller coaster relationships be it either long term or casual sex. I am guessing sex with you is that good for him to overlook your bad treatment of him. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 Because he has poor boundaries Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 Why do you continue to have sex with someone and treat them poorly? Instead of focusing on trying to understand his motivations, take some time to introspect and understand what is driving your desire to mistreat him, and then focus on changing your behavior. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 Yes: why do you continue to have sex with someone you treat badly? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 Because it's still casual sex. Easy to get, better than no sex (for many) There's also nothing to say that he isn't also having sex with other women who are more respectful. But you're offering, so why wouldn't he say yes? He probably either doesn''t care enough to be hurt by the drama, or he's not the most mature and actually enjoys the drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 8 hours ago, Cheryl_C said: . We stopped talking in January and recently I called him and he asked to see me. Have you still been meeting up for casual sex? Would you prefer a relationship? It's possible he just compartmentalizes the sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheryl_C Posted March 26, 2023 Author Share Posted March 26, 2023 9 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Why do you continue to have sex with someone and treat them poorly? Instead of focusing on trying to understand his motivations, take some time to introspect and understand what is driving your desire to mistreat him, and then focus on changing your behavior. Yeah, I've been trying to do this I've thought a lot about my behavior and I realized it's due to me having unresolved issues. So I decided to go to therapy and I've been going for a month now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 (edited) 43 minutes ago, Cheryl_C said: Yeah, I've been trying to do this I've thought a lot about my behavior and I realized it's due to me having unresolved issues. So I decided to go to therapy and I've been going for a month now. Okay, so introspection doesn't involve figuring out others' motives. You need to figure out what motivates you. Can you give some examples of how you have treated him poorly? It seems like there's a lack of emotional connection between you and him. It's concerning that you're choosing to carry on with a physical relationship that's missing that crucial element of intimacy, regardless of what his reasons may be. Emotional fulfillment is just as important as physical pleasure in any relationship, and it's okay to seek that out for yourself. Edited March 26, 2023 by Alpacalia 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 14 hours ago, Cheryl_C said: But still at some point the sex isn't worth all the drama. I guess I'm just trying to understand why he hasn't left me alone after everything I've done? The sex probably is worth the drama. Drama with a casual sex partner that you don’t have any other connection to isn’t really that dramatic. 14 hours ago, Cheryl_C said: He's a good looking guy, he makes good money and he's sweet. He can easily find another woman to have casual sex with. Those qualities would make it easy to find a long term romantic partner, but an attractive casual sex partner is not easy for any man to find. I’m guessing you’re also good looking, and there’s no pressure to make this more than just someone casual. Link to post Share on other sites
princessaurora Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 You may be better at it than the other girls, maybe willing to do things they don't do, plus he's already been with you so he knows what he's getting. It could also be that the sexual chemistry is spot on. Men will put up with alot for good sex . I had a guy I was dating that I fed his dinner to my dog once to get him to leave so I could go be with another guy and he still worshipped the ground I walked on. He was also an attractive man who had plenty of options, a political science major who went on to law school. He still wanted me anyway he could have me. I almost had to get a restraining order to get him to leave me alone. So yeah, if a guy really likes you or sex with you, they will put up with alot of drama and resistance, 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 Because a lot of guys are able to separate sex from everything else. For a lot of guys, sex is sex. He is using you for sex. Plain and simple. The bigger question is, why do you continue to see this guy when you know you have "drama" with him and you know you have behaved really badly with him. I'm glad that you admit that you have behaved badly and you say you are working on it. But it sounds like it is still going on to this day. Don't say you are "working on it" if you are literally continuing the behavior. The responsible thing to do would be to stop engaging in this. It's not only his choice to continue this, you have a choice too. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 Seriously, nobody here can assess his motives. It's almost certainly one of these things, or a combo: 1) It's easy for him to compartmentalize and just do sex without taking on the unpleasantness of other aspects of being around you. Many men can easily have sex with women they dislike or even find unattractive. 2) He has low self esteem so accepts abuse 3) Generally has low standards. I'm glad you're working on yourself. Why would you continue this routine? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 20 hours ago, Cheryl_C said: He can easily find another woman to have casual sex with How do you know he hasn't and isn't doing so? The whole point of casual sex is that there's no exclusivity, or so I thought. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 Maybe a better question is: why do you treat badly a man you are having sex with? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 Actually some guys find a certain amount of drama alluring. However a more mature man may know to rein in his tendencies. For example, establishing a FWB style "relationship" rather than a full one. Some men might enjoy being able to have the appealing parts of the relationship with a "high drama" woman, without being fully committed to her as a partner (which can be draining and problematic, even dangerous in some cases). Good on you if you are working to get yourself to a place where you can be a better partner for someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 8 hours ago, Cheryl_C said: I realized it's due to me having unresolved issues. So I decided to go to therapy That's a good place to start. Soon you'll be able to turn the question around and ask yourself what you're doing with a man like him rather than what he's doing with you. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 26, 2023 Share Posted March 26, 2023 Men like sex…especially if it is obtainable. They don’t care if they are getting some. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 27, 2023 Share Posted March 27, 2023 On 3/25/2023 at 11:15 PM, Cheryl_C said: I guess I'm just trying to understand why he hasn't left me alone after everything I've done? Why don't you leave HIM alone? He's taking the sex because it is offered so why not make the move of cutting it off yourself? Do him that favour of letting him move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Indigo Moon Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 It sounds like he’s a co dependent it’s worth looking that up Link to post Share on other sites
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