What is this colored stain on his pants?

[WonderingAgain]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

OP described it as "dating" not "relationship".   At any rate, I asked a question and am waiting on the answer.

Done, below. 

[basil67]

Ah it's all such a mess.  Given your description of your relationship, I wouldn't be expecting fidelity.   Yes, he "visits" you, but what does he do about his needs when you're not there?  

It may well be makeup on his pants.  But I wouldn't assume it was a sex worker who left it.  After all, repeat customers are valuable, so they are going to be very careful that they don't leave evidence which would get him in trouble.  They would be too professional for that.  If it IS lipstick, it's more likely to be a random hookup.  

That said, no you haven't gotten your trousers dirty on the inside.  But you also don't go reaching inside your trousers and underpants to extract a penis when you pee.  Mess on his hands could be transferred to the outside and inside.  It could be something or it could be nothing.  

 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, WonderingAgain said:

Of course, I already brought the bar way down many years ago about fulfilling my dreams in life in order to make this a go for my child in the way that I was “offered.”

What does this mean?  I'm not meaning to pry, but I wonder if it's relevant to the problem

[WonderingAgain]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What does this mean?  I'm not meaning to pry, but I wonder if it's relevant to the problem

We are not married but are trying to provide semblance of a family when together.  It would not have been my first choice, but marriage wasn’t an option bestowed upon me.  I thought we were making it work. I thought he meant that he wasn’t interested in hook ups etc.    Life has been busy and I trusted that. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, WonderingAgain said:

We are not married but are trying to provide semblance of a family when together.  It would not have been my first choice, but marriage wasn’t an option bestowed upon me.  I thought we were making it work. I thought he meant that he wasn’t interested in hook ups etc.    Life has been busy and I trusted that. 

Why wasn't marriage an option with this guy?  I can't help but wonder if he's already married

[WonderingAgain]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Why wasn't marriage an option with this guy?  I can't help but wonder if he's already married

I am uncomfortable putting this in print because I would never want our child to realize this:   He was not happy with the pregnancy in the beginning/my decision to go through with having the baby, and we were broken up as a result for a while.  Very, very rocky for a while then. It took its toll. He felt he couldn’t trust me.  True, he had said he didn’t want children. Then his job brought him to Europe a few years.  It’s not a clean, normal relationship history. 

[basil67]

I'm sorry that it all started out this way. 

From what you describe, he has accepted your decision and become an active father when he can visit, but there's nothing in your relationship which suggests that he is a partner to you.  But given that he has made no commitment to you, it's naïve to think that he doesn't otherwise have a full life and all that entails.   And there's no reason to assume he slept with a sex worker when there's other women around who will hook up for free. 

I think it would be wise to start viewing him simply as the father of your child and drop any notions about there being some kind of relationship between the two of you. 

I hope you're using condoms if you're still having sex with him

[Acacia98]

I'm so sorry, OP. It can't be easy to be in your situation.

Just remember, it is possible for you and him to be a family for your child without yourselves being romantically together. If your relationship is not working, it's not working. I think it's emotionally healthier for your child to have parents who are separate but happy than it is for your child to have parents who are miserable together. 

[WonderingAgain]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry that it all started out this way. 

From what you describe, he has accepted your decision and become an active father when he can visit, but there's nothing in your relationship which suggests that he is a partner to you.  But given that he has made no commitment to you, it's naïve to think that he doesn't otherwise have a full life and all that entails.   And there's no reason to assume he slept with a sex worker when there's other women around who will hook up for free. 

I think it would be wise to start viewing him simply as the father of your child and drop any notions about there being some kind of relationship between the two of you. 

I hope you're using condoms if you're still having sex with him

he has accepted your decision and become an active father when he can visit, but there's nothing in your relationship which suggests that he is a partner to you.  But given that he has made no commitment to you, it's naïve to think that he doesn't otherwise have a full life and all that entails. THIS IS IT, in a nutshell.  Thank you.  
There hasn’t been any physical between us since this discovery in mid-Feb. I have avoided him!!!  

[Els]

16 hours ago, WonderingAgain said:

I am uncomfortable putting this in print because I would never want our child to realize this:   He was not happy with the pregnancy in the beginning/my decision to go through with having the baby, and we were broken up as a result for a while.  Very, very rocky for a while then. It took its toll. He felt he couldn’t trust me.  True, he had said he didn’t want children. Then his job brought him to Europe a few years.  It’s not a clean, normal relationship history. 

There are many children who have very happy and healthy childhoods with a single parent or with a step-family. There is no reason to cling on to the biological dad, when he has already expressed in so many ways that he does not want to be a dad, does not want an exclusive relationship, and does not want a life with you. The situation with your child is not "your fault", by the way - if he truly never wanted children then he should have had a vasectomy. But continuing to pin your hopes on a life with him, that is a choice that you make every day, and honestly I feel that it is the wrong choice.

Break up with him. Talk to a lawyer, if you have joint assets. File for child support. You don't have to put up with this.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, WonderingAgain said:

There hasn’t been any physical between us since this discovery in mid-Feb. I have avoided him!!!  

I think you should get yourself a real boyfriend and just co parent with the father of your child.  That sounds pretty much what you are doing already.  He's deffinitely having sex with other women.  It doesn't sound like you two are a committed couple anyway, just play family.  

[S2B]

Do you plan to do anything to change this situation?

[Alpacalia]

You're going to drive yourself crazy trying to confirm your new reality. Do what you have to do. In any case, something needs to be done. Whatever you do, don't stay in this relationship, even if he is not cheating. There is still resentment in your heart. This relationship makes you unstable so you are just spinning your wheels in unhappiness.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, WonderingAgain said:

marriage wasn’t an option bestowed upon me.

So, dropping the odd choice of words and use of distancing language: he doesn't want to marry you. 

If I have this right, you spend time together as a family when he's around. But you otherwise are not actually an exclusive couple. You think he isn't interested in hookups but you can't really say for sure. You two haven't confirmed your status as an official couple for a long time. You play happy families when he visits but he otherwise hasn't indicated that you are together, to the exclusion of all others. 

Is that accurate?  

[WonderingAgain]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, dropping the odd choice of words and use of distancing language: he doesn't want to marry you. 

If I have this right, you spend time together as a family when he's around. But you otherwise are not actually an exclusive couple. You think he isn't interested in hookups but you can't really say for sure. You two haven't confirmed your status as an official couple for a long time. You play happy families when he visits but he otherwise hasn't indicated that you are together, to the exclusion of all others. 

Is that accurate?  

Yes, I guess so. Hmmm.  He just never said that he wanted things changed from what he said:  like BJs from someone you don’t know. 

[WonderingAgain]

3 hours ago, Els said:

There are many children who have very happy and healthy childhoods with a single parent or with a step-family. There is no reason to cling on to the biological dad, when he has already expressed in so many ways that he does not want to be a dad, does not want an exclusive relationship, and does not want a life with you. The situation with your child is not "your fault", by the way - if he truly never wanted children then he should have had a vasectomy. But continuing to pin your hopes on a life with him, that is a choice that you make every day, and honestly I feel that it is the wrong choice.

Break up with him. Talk to a lawyer, if you have joint assets. File for child support. You don't have to put up with this.

He has already expressed in so many ways….

yes, if I add it all up, his actions have been very clear.  I am wasting more years if I accept this and don’t make a change now while the impetus is there. 

[WonderingAgain]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

You're going to drive yourself crazy trying to confirm your new reality. Do what you have to do. In any case, something needs to be done. Whatever you do, don't stay in this relationship, even if he is not cheating. There is still resentment in your heart. This relationship makes you unstable so you are just spinning your wheels in unhappiness.

It is unhappy.  It’s not a normal life… It is many negatives that circulate in my head throughout the day. I try not to think of things, but then I remember —something will pop into my head—-and I am reminded of my reality:  the trickery and deception it took to get the BJ before my arrival to join him in Vegas. 
I wonder if I’ve been exposed all along to possible STDs.  How long is he living his life like this?????

[WonderingAgain]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, dropping the odd choice of words and use of distancing language: he doesn't want to marry you. 

If I have this right, you spend time together as a family when he's around. But you otherwise are not actually an exclusive couple. You think he isn't interested in hookups but you can't really say for sure. You two haven't confirmed your status as an official couple for a long time. You play happy families when he visits but he otherwise hasn't indicated that you are together, to the exclusion of all others. 

Is that accurate?  

Yes, that’s exactly it.  Sounds embarrassing!!!

[WonderingAgain]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You're going to drive yourself crazy trying to confirm your new reality. Do what you have to do. In any case, something needs to be done. Whatever you do, don't stay in this relationship, even if he is not cheating. There is still resentment in your heart. This relationship makes you unstable so you are just spinning your wheels in unhappiness.

I know you are right because I have driven myself crazy with other unhealthy aspects of this relationship to no avail.   I’m not better for any of it today.

 I am just at the stage now to think how does this breakup affect the family aspect. What stuff can I drop out of??

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, WonderingAgain said:

I know you are right because I have driven myself crazy with other unhealthy aspects of this relationship to no avail.   I’m not better for any of it today.

 I am just at the stage now to think how does this breakup affect the family aspect. What stuff can I drop out of??

Why does there have to be a family aspect?  Like Els said plenty of children live very happy lives with a single parent.  In your case it would be co-parenting.  I would definitely file for child support if you aren't already receiving it.  That is money that belongs to your child whether you are together or not.

How often do you see him? 

[WonderingAgain]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why does there have to be a family aspect?  Like Els said plenty of children live very happy lives with a single parent.  In your case it would be co-parenting.  I would definitely file for child support if you aren't already receiving it.  That is money that belongs to your child whether you are together or not.

How often do you see him? 

The visits are irregular.  It can be every week.  Sometimes goes every 2 weeks. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, WonderingAgain said:

The visits are irregular.  It can be every week.  Sometimes goes every 2 weeks. 

Yeah, he more than likely already has someone on the side.

[basil67]

41 minutes ago, WonderingAgain said:

It is unhappy.  It’s not a normal life… It is many negatives that circulate in my head throughout the day. I try not to think of things, but then I remember —something will pop into my head—-and I am reminded of my reality:  the trickery and deception it took to get the BJ before my arrival to join him in Vegas. 
I wonder if I’ve been exposed all along to possible STDs.  How long is he living his life like this?????

It's not just one BJ in Vegas.  Do you think he was celibate during those years the two of you were estranged?  And during the weeks when he's not visiting?   From what I'm reading, it doesn't sound like the two of you are in an official relationship.  He's probably working on the theory that you know he's living a full life.   To be honest, I'm not seeing trickery and deception because it doesn't sound like there is any firm commitment between you.  

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, WonderingAgain said:

The visits are irregular.  It can be every week.  Sometimes goes every 2 weeks. 

If you would feel more comfortable, instead of hoping for an exclusive relationship (with him) focus solely on co-parenting and visitation. That way you're free to have a full time local loyal BF. It seems too difficult to view this as a satisfying exclusive relationship.

[basil67]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 full time local loyal BF.

Full time local, loyal boyfriend for the win!   It would be a far better direction to go.

When your child's father wants to visit, he can stay in a hotel.  It's time to start looking out for yourself