What is this colored stain on his pants?

[BrinnM]

That reminds me of some other female poster on here who has a long-distance relationship with massive trust issues and problematic behavior (like partying, drinking, and shady behavior in general). 
But either way - I do see lipstick as well. Sorry. Especially because he doesn’t seem to care enough to explain, and he doesn’t do anything to put you at ease, OP. 

[WonderingAgain]

10 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

That reminds me of some other female poster on here who has a long-distance relationship with massive trust issues and problematic behavior (like partying, drinking, and shady behavior in general). 
But either way - I do see lipstick as well. Sorry. Especially because he doesn’t seem to care enough to explain, and he doesn’t do anything to put you at ease, OP. 

Lipstick.  I appreciate your eyes to make that judgment. I’m not crazy. But—-That can only mean one thing. No one should have lipstick on their fly. He was in Las Vegas which means ample opportunity for lap dance to go further.  
That’s true: does nothing to put me at ease. That’s why I’m plagued with these thoughts and getting depressed these past 6 weeks. 

[WonderingAgain]

9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

You've been dating over a decade.  You don't live near each other so his wardrobe is not familiar to you.  But you inspected these pants.  It seems clear that you have suspicions - you say there's a "trust issue" and "he doesn't admit it."  What does that mean?  I take it to mean that you've had questions before and not gotten anywhere with them.

I generally like to give the benefit of the doubt in situations like this but I do think it looks like makeup and I believe you have historical reasons for being distrustful of him which you haven't shared here.  Is that true?

Historical reasons, yes. You also think it looks like makeup. That really says a lot — no wonder why he’s not forthcoming. 

[WonderingAgain]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree with Els.

You cannot set a standard of "you'll never betray me" and then monitor your boyfriend constantly and keep him under survelliance throughout the entire relationship. Instead, your standard should be based on trust, not the absence of betrayal.

You're going to trust because that's the kind of standard for the kind of relationship that YOU want to be in.

If in your shoes, I'm going to play my part by giving my partner enough space to hang themselves.

You cannot set a standard of "you'll never betray me" and then monitor your boyfriend constantly and keep him under survelliance——these words are very helpful.  The monitoring & surveillance is no way to live. Thank you for framing this for me. It’s been a lot to process. 

[WonderingAgain]

3 hours ago, MsJayne said:

After blowing the photo' right up, yep, it sure does look like lipstick. Too lightly brushed on the fabric to be blood or sauce/food colouring transferred when he went to the bathroom. I think you know the truth, your gut is telling you. 

Yes, lipstick was always my thought. There is also a trace of it on the inside of the pants—on the other side of the fly.  It’s not possible to attach a photo, unfortunately, but it’s the same color.  Only more faint.  Less of it. 

[WonderingAgain]

14 hours ago, stillafool said:

It definitely looks like lipstick to me.  How did he say it got there?

He couldn’t explain it.  Nothing that I could even repeat because it wasn’t an answer.  Just that I was crazy to think anything. 

 

14 hours ago, stillafool said:

It definitely looks like lipstick to me.  How did he say it got there?

 

[NuevoYorko]

20 hours ago, WonderingAgain said:

I think your last line is so important:  can you call it quits with someone when you never are QUITE sure what it was?  I mean, you know in your mind, but he has moved away from the topic to bury it and there’s no explanation given. 

You can call it quits when you're in a relationship with someone you don't trust.

[WonderingAgain]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You can call it quits when you're in a relationship with someone you don't trust.

Yes, it feels that way.  I am turning over in my mind for days the way to get out of it as we have ties that I don’t want to get into. He likes to keep me around. It just doesn’t work anymore.  

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, WonderingAgain said:

He was in Las Vegas which means ample opportunity for lap dance to go further.  

What makes you think it was a lapdance?

It's obvious that some woman was down in his crotch area.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, WonderingAgain said:

 the way to get out of it as we have ties that I don’t want to get into. .  

Perhaps you can sort out whatever these ties that bind you are so you can free yourself from what seems to be a stressful situationship.

Once people start doing forensic investigations on partners because of distrust and suspicion,  it's time to reflect if you are with the right man in the right relationship.

[FMW]

 I remember when I got to the point in my marriage that I was suspicious of anything that was not immediately clear or explainable.  The marriage was over, I just hadn't come to terms with it yet.  I would cycle between sadness and anger, it became miserable for me.  It was a relief, however difficult, when I finally accepted it was time to move on. 

Maybe there's an explanation for the stains that doesn't involve any wrongdoing on his part (like his pants were damp around the fly from holding onto a cold drink in his lap while he was sitting down and then color transfer happening from something he came into contact with later).  Or maybe it is exactly what you're thinking.  But as has been mentioned, it doesn't really matter once you've reached a point of not trusting him.    

Unless you have a history with being suspicious of other people in your life, trust your instincts.  

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

Unless you have a history with being suspicious of other people in your life, trust your instincts.  

Agree.

It is not your job to be a human lie detector. It's your job to determine if what he says fits what you're seeing.

[NuevoYorko]

I think that the vast majority of people in relationships where trust is present would never have seen what kind of stuff is on their partner's pants, especially when they don't live together or share laundry etc.   

The fact that you are inspecting his pants down to the way the mark is absorbed into the fibers of the fabric is all you really need to know.  

You've been together for more than a decade and you haven't chosen to close your distance, much less to share lives.  This situation may have run its course, or perhaps he's generally been acting like a single man during your time apart.  I'm sorry.

[Weezy1973]

I’ve broken up with two women because I didn’t trust them. I had no evidence whatsoever to accuse them of cheating, but once trust is gone it’s irrelevant isn’t it? Who cares if he cheated or not - you don’t trust him therefore the relationship is over. 

[WonderingAgain]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’ve broken up with two women because I didn’t trust them. I had no evidence whatsoever to accuse them of cheating, but once trust is gone it’s irrelevant isn’t it? Who cares if he cheated or not - you don’t trust him therefore the relationship is over. 

The hanging on is demoralizing.  
 

My thought is that when it looks like something, it is something. & It looks like a hook up in his crotch. 

[WonderingAgain]

9 hours ago, FMW said:

 I remember when I got to the point in my marriage that I was suspicious of anything that was not immediately clear or explainable.  The marriage was over, I just hadn't come to terms with it yet.  I would cycle between sadness and anger, it became miserable for me.  It was a relief, however difficult, when I finally accepted it was time to move on. 

Maybe there's an explanation for the stains that doesn't involve any wrongdoing on his part (like his pants were damp around the fly from holding onto a cold drink in his lap while he was sitting down and then color transfer happening from something he came into contact with later).  Or maybe it is exactly what you're thinking.  But as has been mentioned, it doesn't really matter once you've reached a point of not trusting him.    

Unless you have a history with being suspicious of other people in your life, trust your instincts.  

The lipstick on his crotch in Las Vegas addressed to me that it’s been going on all along when there’s business trips there.

[WonderingAgain]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’ve broken up with two women because I didn’t trust them. I had no evidence whatsoever to accuse them of cheating, but once trust is gone it’s irrelevant isn’t it? Who cares if he cheated or not - you don’t trust him therefore the relationship is over. 

Decisive!!

[BrinnM]

Vegas is a popular business convention & trade show venue for a reason!

Edited March 28, 2023 by BrinnM

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, WonderingAgain said:

The lipstick on his crotch in Las Vegas addressed to me that it’s been going on all along when there’s business trips there.

So now you are sure it's lipstick AND that he's been hooking up in Vegas over and over?  This is getting ridiculous.  Break up.  And next time you find yourself inspired to take a close look at the crotch of your date's underpants,  don't bother - just break up immediately.  No healthy relationship includes crotch inspections.  

[basil67]

On 3/28/2023 at 1:54 AM, NuevoYorko said:

You've been dating over a decade.  You don't live near each other so his wardrobe is not familiar to you. 

I've thought about this too.

I'm not going to delve into the "is it or isn't it lipstick" question, but I'm wondering if the two of you are actually in a monogamous relationship.   Over a decade "dating" and living long distance sounds like the two of you aren't committed and/or possibly not exclusive.   What discussions on being exclusive have you had with him?

 

Edited March 28, 2023 by basil67

[BrinnM]

I mean, being long-distance, doesn’t automatically mean a couple is not monogamous. They might have a healthy relationship where they fly back-and-forth twice a month or every weekend or whatever and they prefer maintaining two separate households for various reasons. I don’t think that’s weird. I think that’s pretty healthy and normal. However: There were several threads on this forum earlier this year or last year were a similar scenario was described & there was heavy drinking involved and some other outrageous behavior, and one might assume I that might be a related case so that’s definitely not healthy 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I mean, being long-distance, doesn’t automatically mean a couple is not monogamous. 

OP described it as "dating" not "relationship".   At any rate, I asked a question and am waiting on the answer.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, WonderingAgain said:

The hanging on is demoralizing.  

The result of this will be the death of your confidence, and this will be the end of your life. It is a pity that you are deprived of the joy of living your life to the fullest. There is one person that you are in a relationship with right now and it is the one you are with right now. Consider this relationship to be one that will last forever. If that isn't tenable for you, get out of it. [Do you really] think you can make someone who cheats quit? Can you convince someone who has a smoking habit to quit smoking who doesn't even want to quit?

The idea that it will work in your favor is a pipe dream. It would be foolish to stake your time and efforts on that. And life is incredibly short. There is no going back to the days when you were in your 30s or 40s. You get to be 30 once. You get to be 40, once.

There is no reason to believe that this will change and I am not going to stake my life on it.

It is extremely important for you to understand just how high the stakes are when it comes to this. It will be the death of all of your remaining time here on earth. In that case, what kind of life are you leading? Leaving is such a fear for you that you don't want to do it at all. Well, be afraid of staying. Leaving will cause you the same pain that you are experiencing now, and you understand that. There is a lot of pain you will have to suffer if you stay.

At least leaving opens up possibilities. Promise, hope, something different.

Edited March 28, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[WonderingAgain]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I've thought about this too.

I'm not going to delve into the "is it or isn't it lipstick" question, but I'm wondering if the two of you are actually in a monogamous relationship.   Over a decade "dating" and living long distance sounds like the two of you aren't committed and/or possibly not exclusive.   What discussions on being exclusive have you had with him?

 

A discussion about being exclusive isn’t something that has come up in recent years because we had an understanding.  Life is occupied by many work hours for each of us and —-his work is in about 4-5 different cities.  It’s been busy raising our child.  He visits our child as I am the domicile parent & we are a family, when we are together.

 I never dreamed with his spoken fear years ago of “gross sex workers or dancers” or whatever he called Vegas performers & also what he has said for years about “watching where you put your dick” that I had to fear him running around in Vegas. I am generally naive in life, but still, I trusted what he said. 

 I was shocked, confused about what the stain was (how could THAT be LIPSTICK!!!????), and in disbelief when I saw the makeup on the pants he was wearing for the 2nd or 3rd day on that business trip that we met him on. 

To me, it was so obviously lipstick when you looked at his fly that I was so taken back—-and I had to shield what I said because our child was with us!!!!  I would NEVER have kept looking at it, as some of you have questioned as weird, EXCEPT that its location next to the fly & its color— and NOT a food oil spot—-was very, very suspicious & strange.  It looked like makeup from 5 or 6 feet away!!

    Back in the hotel room, I looked at the stain after the pants were off, and I saw a faint trace of the makeup on the OTHER side of the fly… on the inside—  it was so faint that I thought my eyes were deceiving me.  I wish I could post that picture here because I was too embarrassed to show it to anyone who knows me & our unusual union/setup.
 

 It is very sad and very life changing to realize the implications of such a stain—-ON THE INSIDE OF THE FLY.   THere’s no reason in the world for that if it were something innocent.  I have never gotten pants dirty on the inside like that—if they get dirty on the outside on one side, it’s illogical that the also get dirty on the other side of the fly, on the inside!  Except under a particular “activity.”

 My mind retreated as I ran all the possibilities of how it happened before our arrival to him in Vegas, and then I had to back-burner the question a few weeks:  I was growing depressed.   I was very alone before I found this group online. This support is keeping me from being very alone, so thank you, Everyone.  You can’t imagine how your eyes well up with tears when you remember throughout your day what has happened. Nighttime is very bad; I’m awake at night to respond to any of your questions because you don’t sleep well. 

[WonderingAgain]

5 minutes ago, WonderingAgain said:

A discussion about being exclusive isn’t something that has come up in recent years because we had an understanding.  Life is occupied by many work hours for each of us and —-his work is in about 4-5 different cities.  It’s been busy raising our child.  He visits our child as I am the domicile parent & we are a family, when we are together.

 I never dreamed with his spoken fear years ago of “gross sex workers or dancers” or whatever he called Vegas performers & also what he has said for years about “watching where you put your dick” that I had to fear him running around in Vegas. I am generally naive in life, but still, I trusted what he said. 

 I was shocked, confused about what the stain was (how could THAT be LIPSTICK!!!????), and in disbelief when I saw the makeup on the pants he was wearing for the 2nd or 3rd day on that business trip that we met him on. 

To me, it was so obviously lipstick when you looked at his fly that I was so taken back—-and I had to shield what I said because our child was with us!!!!  I would NEVER have kept looking at it, as some of you have questioned as weird, EXCEPT that its location next to the fly & its color— and NOT a food oil spot—-was very, very suspicious & strange.  It looked like makeup from 5 or 6 feet away!!

    Back in the hotel room, I looked at the stain after the pants were off, and I saw a faint trace of the makeup on the OTHER side of the fly… on the inside—  it was so faint that I thought my eyes were deceiving me.  I wish I could post that picture here because I was too embarrassed to show it to anyone who knows me & our unusual union/setup.
 

 It is very sad and very life changing to realize the implications of such a stain—-ON THE INSIDE OF THE FLY.   THere’s no reason in the world for that if it were something innocent.  I have never gotten pants dirty on the inside like that—if they get dirty on the outside on one side, it’s illogical that the also get dirty on the other side of the fly, on the inside!  Except under a particular “activity.”

 My mind retreated as I ran all the possibilities of how it happened before our arrival to him in Vegas, and then I had to back-burner the question a few weeks:  I was growing depressed.   I was very alone before I found this group online. This support is keeping me from being very alone, so thank you, Everyone.  You can’t imagine how your eyes well up with tears when you remember throughout your day what has happened. Nighttime is very bad; I’m awake at night to respond to any of your questions because you don’t sleep well. 

ALSO:   Maybe not everyone can understand this—It is very hard—it takes so much confidence in what you think your eyes have seen—-makeup, NOT food on the fly, to break up WHEN HE DENIES IT, TELLS ME I’M CRAZY, AND THERES NO 3rd PARTY TO MEDIATE THAT IT WAS MAKEUP….  & then to “break up a family” that was our own weird definition of one.  It’s like a gamble.  It’s betting that I’m right & there’s no way he is right, because the sort of family as we know it hinges on it. 
Of course, I already brought the bar way down many years ago about fulfilling my dreams in life in order to make this a go for my child in the way that I was “offered.”