This one is easy

[TristanP]

So as the title says, it’s was all my fault. She is beautiful and kind and loving and wonderful. I lied and hid things and she left. During our time we became closer than I have ever felt toward another human being, I could feel her in ways I didn’t think possible. I loved her in a way that was previously unknown to me. It was deep, and safe and warm and a connection that I cannot describe. True love is by no means an exaggeration. I didn’t deserve her, her love or her kindness. Of course she left, I will never have a feeling like that toward another… it was so personal, so close…. We were dancing. I don’t expect sympathy or words of kindness, it was my fault. My twin flame and now she is gone, in the wind. I’m so sorry. 

[mtnbiker3000]

Read this:

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/difference-love-lust-attachment/

[TristanP]

Unfortunately this article isn’t the case, what she and I felt was mutual, equal and it was love, lust and attraction and fun and easy and comfortable and exciting and calm… we both experienced the full amount of human emotions and we did so in harmony. As I said…. It’ll never happen again. 

[JTSW]

What did you do to ruin it all?

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, AnIdiotToMyself said:

. I lied and hid things and she left. 

All you can do is focus on whatever it was that you feel ruined the relationship. Were you cheating? Using drugs? What were you hiding and lying about? While this situation isn't reparable, you can still fix and change whatever is was that caused the problem.

[TristanP]

No not drugs or substances, no violence or abuse of any kind. I am a peaceful man with insecurities and some problems when it comes to opening up and revealing my true self. I told her that I had problems in the past on our third date hoping one day she would ask me more, hoping she would try to discover and know me more. She never did and we fell in love and I started to feel like telling her would ruin it all, I was scared and in love so I just pretended to be just fine. After a while i started to feel the pressure of loss, scared that I would lose her and I acted stupidly, I started to message other women I wanted to feel like if she left then there would be someone else for me. This all sounds so dumb I know. Eventually she found out and left me. I knew it would happen but all I was thinking was….. just one more day of being happy. 

[TristanP]

I did stupid things to make myself feel bad, I was only doing them to myself but those things affected her too. As my username says…. An idiot to myself

 

[TristanP]

I wasn’t expecting to fall in love

[JTSW]

11 minutes ago, TristanP said:

I started to message other women I wanted to feel like if she left then there would be someone else for me.

This is rather odd.

So you chose to sabotage a good thing.

14 minutes ago, TristanP said:

I told her that I had problems in the past on our third date hoping one day she would ask me more, hoping she would try to discover and know me more. She never did

She already knew you had issues and women prefer when their man is open and honest.

Have you considered speaking with a therapist to address your current and past issues?

[NuevoYorko]

Since you consciously sabotaged your relationship, and you're aware of it now, it's time to go get some therapy to prevent you from doing this again.

Feeling devastated and beating yourself up over it is to be expected but I know that sometimes, a person in your situation will wallow in those things for a time and then feel like they've "punished" themselves enough and then move on.   

From the tone of your posts, which is very melodramatic, you seem to be in this space.

You need to get out of that.   You did wreck this relationship and you will do it again unless you get to the bottom of your behavior when you are NOT involved with anyone.  That way you will have tools to deal with your emotions appropriately when you really have something to lose if you don't.  

Find some help.

 

[mark clemson]

Consider that you may be idealizing this woman, now that you have made missteps and driven her off. I'm sure she was great and all, but this "twin flame" and "true love" stuff - well, in reality no one's perfect.

In fact, as you said yourself, you felt insecure enough in the relationship to feel the need to message other women. That action is certainly on you, but if you were REALLY so perfect for each other, it probably wouldn't have happened. She was 50% of the relationship that left you wanting. Perhaps someone "less perfect" but more down-to-earth and more willing to connect in a way that alleviates your insecurities would have actually been better, dunno...

At any rate, I agree with suggestions above that some therapy might be in order. Some people who cheat have a tendency to be what you might call "dopamine chasers" and breakups can cause a very large dopamine drop. This sometimes results in "chasing" and/or idealizing the very person they've driven off. So some meta-cognition to help you understand what your brain chemicals are putting you through might be helpful.

Edited March 27, 2023 by mark clemson

[mtnbiker3000]

I think you missed the point... From what it sounds like, you were enjoying someone else providing you with happiness, joy and peace of mind. And it also sounds like you were providing her with the same. You both were 'attached' to each other. Quite possibly the most sinister form of attachment. I speak from experience and I know how it can seem like so much more and so much 'better' than it really is.

Also, moving forward just remembe desire is good. Desire is necessary. However, desirous attachment will only lead to suffering. It's a fine line.