Finally ready to meet, then ghosted

[ellie-]

I met an MM years ago on OLD. Quickly realised he's married so I kept our contact lighthearted and to a minimum. Over the years, though, a friendship evolved with him consistently reaching out to me and asking me out. I never met him, as he was married and as there is a huge age difference (20+ years). Our contact was over phone, photos, messages and video. We also know our real identities and have similar contacts (in a professional context). 

Last year, I opened up about something I experienced and we grew a bit closer with him ultimately confessing his feelings for me (he did confess his feelings first in 2019). I still kept my distance and didn't meet him. When he asked I told him that I need distance as I don't want to fall in love with him to which he replied that he wants me to fall in love with him. In December then, he also told me that he loves me. That's when I took a bit more distance. 

Late January, for the first time in years, I addressed these things and I asked him what these things he said mean. The only thing he said was that we have to meet in person to discuss this as this is not a conversation to be had over phone. I got mad at him and said that if he only wants casual sex, I am more than open for us to express boundaries for this as he now gives me the feeling like he wants to be with me and that he shouldn't give me the feeling that this is something that it is not. He then only said that he wouldn't have chased me for years if he only wants sex with me. I then said I had a date and he audibly gasped. I also said it's best to not talk for a while as I was so mad at him for not talking to me about this. 

A few weeks pass and he accidentally calls me a few times, writes once and otherwise keeps quiet but checks my Social Media. I then reach out last Sunday to tell him that I can't stop thinking about him, that I was way too harsh in our last conversation and whether I should reach out next time I am in his town. He instantly replied YES PLEASE and sent me pictures, told me how beautiful I am and asked me out to meet on Friday. I also said that I told the guy I had a date with that I had feelings for somebody else, to which he sent me a heart kiss emoji. He then told me he can't wait to kiss me and spend time with me. Monday comes and I write him how excited I am. He reads it but doesn't reply. On Thursday I wrote him whether we are going to meet tomorrow - he instantly read the message but didn't reply. I haven't heard from this man since Sunday when he asked me out. 

I am confused and surprised. I would have never expected this to happen. It feels so abrupt. Although I tried to keep my distance, I grew fond of him and he means something to me. And I am surprised as I thought that this was all he wanted all along to meet - so why ghost me now? 

When we grew closer last year, I read this forum here up and down and decided that it's for the best to keep my distance from him. But I really thought I meant something to him. I actually thought he cared. I am just really surprised. I won't reach out to him again but I am not sure how to best deal with this. 

[stillafool]

All you can do is forgive yourself for getting involved with someone else's husband and vow to never go down that path again.  Block him from contacting you so you can heal.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, ellie- said:

I am not sure how to best deal with this.

You don’t. What is there to deal with - you are not in a relationship with the man.

I’m curious, do you play these kind of games in all your relationships? 

You’ve been flirting with fire here, you really can’t be surprised when you get burned. 

Edited March 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, ellie- said:

Although I tried to keep my distance, I grew fond of him

If you have made a decision not to involve yourself in an extramarital relationship, there is no reason for you to be messaging with another woman’s husband. The only reason to do so is to keep the door open to possibilities… let’s not try and pretend that it was anything otherwise.

Edited March 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, ellie- said:

I am confused and surprised

You shouldn't be. 

He is married. This sort of thing happens all the time with married people - it's all fun and games until push comes to shove, and then they ghost. Maybe his wife figured out he's messaging someone else so he's cutting you off to avoid problems with her. 

8 hours ago, ellie- said:

I actually thought he cared.

A man who cares about others' feelings (yours included) doesn't engage in online affairs to begin with. This is all about him and what he wants. Your feelings don't factor into the equation here. Keep in mind that you don't know this man. Anyone can say anything through messages. You don't know him on any significant level beyond the digital version of what he's presented, which is only a fraction of who he really is. And all this talk about being in love? Nah. He doesn't know you well enough for that either. It's just a bunch of frilly, empty words. 

8 hours ago, ellie- said:

I am not sure how to best deal with this

The only thing to do is accept that this was all a huge waste of time,  built on a fantasy. And stay away from married men in the future. They will chew you up and spit you out, as you've learned the hard way here. Block him everywhere so you can focus on meeting available men. This was never going to go anywhere. 

[ellie-]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You don’t. What is there to deal with - you are not in a relationship with the man.

I’m curious, do you play these kind of games in all your relationships? 

You are absolutely correct. I am not in a relationship with him. 

Do you really think I am the one playing the games in this contact? 

[ellie-]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You shouldn't be. 

He is married. This sort of thing happens all the time with married people - it's all fun and games until push comes to shove, and then they ghost. Maybe his wife figured out he's messaging someone else so he's cutting you off to avoid problems with her. 

A man who cares about others' feelings (yours included) doesn't engage in online affairs to begin with. This is all about him and what he wants. Your feelings don't factor into the equation here. Keep in mind that you don't know this man. Anyone can say anything through messages. You don't know him on any significant level beyond the digital version of what he's presented, which is only a fraction of who he really is. And all this talk about being in love? Nah. He doesn't know you well enough for that either. It's just a bunch of frilly, empty words. 

The only thing to do is accept that this was all a huge waste of time,  built on a fantasy. And stay away from married men in the future. They will chew you up and spit you out, as you've learned the hard way here. Block him everywhere so you can focus on meeting available men. This was never going to go anywhere. 

I understand. Based on everything we ever talked about in almost five years and especially all the things he said in the past months I was under the impression that he cared about me and that all of this meant more than it did. He had his boundaries but explained it was due to him not really knowing me yet and that we have to meet but he still said all those things. Now that I want to meet him, he's gone.

I wouldn't have been so surprised if he hadn't said all the things he said in the past months. He really gave me the impression that this is something that it is not. And when I told him this a while ago he told me that he can only talk to me about this in person which made me feel that it maybe really is what he makes me feel like. 

Granted, I should have known better and I think I did in parts. But I really was not prepared for him to ghost me like this. I feel blindsided.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, ellie- said:

 I told the guy I had a date with.....

 I won't reach out to him again but I am not sure how to best deal with this. 

This is a good way to deal with it. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single local honest men.

Perhaps you enjoyed the attention. However unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Step back and reflect why you settled for this situation.

 

Edited March 27, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, ellie- said:

I met an MM years ago on OLD. Quickly realised he's married

This is where the contact should've ended.

12 hours ago, ellie- said:

But I really thought I meant something to him. I actually thought he cared.

I think either reality hit or his wife found out about it.

Either way, I think it was the thrill of the chase for him.

[ellie-]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is a good way to deal with it. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single local honest men.

Perhaps you enjoyed the attention. However unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Step back and reflect why you settled for this situation.

 

When I opened up to him last year I talked about my reasons for not being emotionally available and that I did therapy because of this. That's what we bonded over.

I had a few dates over the past weeks but this married man was still in my thoughts and I thought that if all it takes for this to maybe be something is to meet him, then so it be. For him to ghost me like this and leave me hanging leaves me surprised. I was the one establishing boundaries, I was the one that stopped him when he said romantic things. That is why, in hindsight, I feel so manipulated and blindsided. 

There's nothing I can do or say to change this. It is his decision to behave like this and I respect this. Even in my emotional unavailability I can see that this is not a respectful way to deal with someone, especially someone you pursued heavily over the course of a few years. 

[ellie-]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

This is where the contact should've ended.

I think either reality hit or his wife found out about it.

Either way, I think it was the thrill of the chase for him.

I think that reality might have hit. I remember a while ago he told me that he thinks about our age difference and that he's scared that if we ever become an item that I leave him when he is older (70+) whereas I am in my late 40s and still thriving and that he is all alone then. I only said that this indeed can be something one might be scared off. 

Maybe it was the thrill of the chase. I don't know. I really felt that if I offer to meet we would at least grab a coffee. We wrote for 6 hours last Sunday for him to then ghost me like this. 

[JTSW]

9 minutes ago, ellie- said:

I really felt that if I offer to meet we would at least grab a coffee.

Think of his wife waiting for him at home.

It wouldn't be fair to her.

What has he ever said about his marriage?

[ellie-]

Just now, JTSW said:

Think of his wife waiting for him at home.

It wouldn't be fair to her.

What has he ever said about his marriage?

Absolutely. You are correct. 

He never talked about his marriage. I also never asked. When I asked him last year, after he got very romantic, whether he has ever experienced this with another woman outside of his marriage he got very serious and confessed his feelings for me and expressed why he feels this way (it was a long monologue) and finished it with saying that it's the first time emotions are involved. 

And it took me 8 months to address this. And that was in January where he told me that we have to meet to talk about this. 

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, ellie- said:

finished it with saying that it's the first time emotions are involved. 

So he has been talking to other women outside of his marriage.

You are lucky you dodged this bullet.

Block him from ever contacting you again.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ellie- said:

it's the first time emotions are involved. 

So this man has cheated before, in other words. His wife probably caught on that he was up to his old tricks so he disappeared on you. 

1 hour ago, ellie- said:

I feel so manipulated and blindsided

I get that you are shocked, but in hindsight, you will see that there is no reason to be surprised that a lying married man manipulated you. He does it to his wife every day, pretending to be a decent husband when really, he's a dog. He's been behaving badly all along. It just wasn't directed at you until now.

In reality, where did you hope this was going? Were you imagning that he would someday leave his wife for you? 

[ellie-]

46 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I get that you are shocked, but in hindsight, you will see that there is no reason to be surprised that a lying married man manipulated you. He does it to his wife every day, pretending to be a decent husband when really, he's a dog. He's been behaving badly all along. It just wasn't directed at you until now.

 You are absolutely right. I really shouldn't be surprised. But I still am because this has never happened in our contact. 

Quote

So this man has cheated before, in other words. His wife probably caught on that he was up to his old tricks so he disappeared on you. 

It can be that his wife caught up.

Quote

In reality, where did you hope this was going? Were you imagning that he would someday leave his wife for you? 

No, I did not imagine that he would someday leave his wife for me. As this is a public and anonymous forum I can be honest, as I seek help/input here but I sincerely did not imagine that. It was him that talked about this and this was also one of the things I addressed in January. I told him why would I, a woman in her late twenties want to be with a man in his fifties who already lived all his life and that is married. He can't give me anything, except for sex and a bit of attention and mentorship. Then I also said I had a date and he gasped and was shocked. That was the first time I thought I might have hurt him and I really regret it. Reading about the narrative this forum has about married men (which I mostly agree with), I think I went too far with what I said. I was really harsh on him all the while he said he is just desperate to meet me and finally hug me once.

Last year I told him I am in a vulnerable spot and not ready to date. I also told him that if I would meet him I would fall in love with him if it feels as good as it does online. And it seemed like he didn't listen, he was still eager to meet. One time he told me I shouldn't run away but stay with him and love him. And I said "but who loves me" and he replied "I do". I told him I had to be careful with him and maybe one day if I am in a better spot I could meet him. That time was now, and he is gone.  

Where did I think this was going? I genuinely enjoyed talking to him and would have really enjoyed having a fling. That was all I was in for. And I would have not felt so surprised and moved on right away if there wouldn't have been so much said in the room. Now I am just surprised and feel blindsided. 

Edited March 27, 2023 by ellie-

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, ellie- said:

I told him why would I, a woman in her late twenties want to be with a man in his fifties who already lived all his life and that is married

Asking him this made no sense, since you were right there for years talking to him and wasting time on him. He could see through your bravado on that one, I promise you. Your continued attachment to him was obvious and he knew you'd be with him if given the chance. 

3 minutes ago, ellie- said:

That was the first time I thought I might have hurt him

Eh, this is part of his game. He knew exactly what to say and do to keep you hooked, and it worked like a charm. Dramatic gasping was part of the act, OP. You got played, in a rather obvious way. 

[JTSW]

10 minutes ago, ellie- said:

I told him why would I, a woman in her late twenties want to be with a man in his fifties who already lived all his life and that is married.

That is quite a considerable age gap.

I think he was on a high that he attracted a beautiful woman in her 20s and when reality hit, he bailed.

He knew that he was kidding himself.

You deserve better OP.

[ellie-]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Asking him this made no sense, since you were right there for years talking to him and wasting time on him. He could see through your bravado on that one, I promise you. Your continued attachment to him was obvious and he knew you'd be with him if given the chance. 

Yes, that could be the case. And if it is, he is seriously messed up. 

Quote

Eh, this is part of his game. He knew exactly what to say and do to keep you hooked, and it worked like a charm. Dramatic gasping was part of the act, OP. You got played, in a rather obvious way. 

I didn't give him the time of the day for four years and ghosted him a lot, didn't really take him serious and dated and slept around, except for with him. I didn't even grab a coffee with him. It was only last year when we got close I noticed that at this point in time I have to be careful. Not sure how much emotional attachment was there in the first four years. I don't think at all but it definetely switched when he confessed his feelings for me where I thought wow, this guy might actually have feelings for me or care. 

I am not here to twist my story so it fits my narrative so people tell me how much he likes me or whatever. I am just genuinely feeling blindsided and am a bit mad that I trusted him. In the future I will avoid married men like I did in the past four years and not have emotionally loaded conversations with them. That was not a good idea. When he told me how intense those conversations where for him and how close he felt to me I genuinely felt the same. 

But - it is what it is. He asked me out and then ghosted me and I will most likely not hear from him again. 

[ellie-]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

That is quite a considerable age gap.

I think he was on a high that he attracted a beautiful woman in her 20s and when reality hit, he bailed.

He knew that he was kidding himself.

First off - thank you so much for all of your input. It is highly appreciated. 

What reality hit him? What was he kidding himself about? 

Quote

You deserve better OP.

Thank you. It means a lot. 

[JTSW]

5 minutes ago, ellie- said:

First off - thank you so much for all of your input. It is highly appreciated. 

What reality hit him? What was he kidding himself about? 

That you were too young and too good for him.

He knew he was married and knew there couldn't be a future with you.

[ellie-]

7 minutes ago, JTSW said:

That you were too young and too good for him.

He knew he was married and knew there couldn't be a future with you.

If he thinks like that, I can count myself happy. Maybe it was for the best he ghosted me and we didn't start an affair/fling with him leading me on. 

I don't think I can, in whatever capacity, be with a man that behaves like this. I think it's erratic and manipulative, indecisive and immature behaviour. And writing out about myself lets me think that I am not too far from this behaviour myself. In past interpersonal relationships I have never acted this way. I should have cut contact right away when there was a hint of feelings from my end. Maybe it's for the best it has ended this way.

[JTSW]

You did nothing wrong OP.

He romanced you and knew how to keep you invested.

I think it's for the best that he ghosted.

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, ellie- said:

Last year, I opened up about something I experienced and we grew a bit closer with him ultimately confessing his feelings for me. I still kept my distance and didn't meet him. In December then, he also told me that he loves me. That's when I took a bit more distance. 

 

3 hours ago, ellie- said:

Do you really think I am the one playing the games in this contact? 

Yes. You say that you want to keep your distance from this man, but you continue to stay in contact. You are sending very mixed messages - as per the above quote.

You disclose something personal that brings you together, and then tell him that you don’t want to meet/you want distance. And then when he tells you that he has feelings for you, you pushed away again.

These are the cat and mouse games that people (in affairs and otherwise) like to play. I’m drawn to you, but I can’t be with you. I don’t want to fall in love with you, but I’m going to continue to text with you and tell you intimate things -

Mixed messages here - your words say one thing but your actions say - I’m interested, I want to get to know you, I want to build a relationship with you… it was really only a matter of time until you offered to meet the man because your boundaries were very weak. 

Next time you meet a MM and you say that you want to keep your distance - do that. Actually put some distance between you - end all contact. Married men don't generally text and build  “friendships” with other women for good reason… 

Edited March 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

28 minutes ago, ellie- said:

am a bit mad that I trusted him.

Yes, it was a given that you shouldn't trust a married man who sneaks around on his wife. That was a tough lesson learned for you here. 

30 minutes ago, ellie- said:

I will most likely not hear from him again

Are you hoping to? Girl. He is a clown. You would be foolish to entertain any further communication from him, since there is no future here. 

7 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You did nothing wrong OP.

I can't really agree there. OP knew he was married. She had no business getting close to him and trying to meet up with him. He a is a scoundrel, no doubt, but OP's choices and behaviour aren't good either. She has accountability in this, and hopefully next time won't get inappropriately close to a married man.