Pretentious compliments.

[Kassieee]

I have a thing where I think when I get compliments, on my looks- people are lying because they feel sorry for me.

I think it stems from when I was in grade 8. My teacher made a board with all the students pictures on it...with a little compliments above it. I got "best hair"...I had highlights done at the time. I came home and told my mom and she replied with " she just feels sorry for you". 

however now, I get complaints it's overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr the top exaggerated I feel. Example, I was at a party and the this girl I met there told me I was prettiest girl at the party.

I was at a engagement party, and the grandma was in awe with me, she was with her grand daughter and she told me her grandma thought I was so beautiful, and then the grand daughter told me that "even" these guys thought I was really pretty. 

I notice I'm the one always getting picked out from everyone else to receive the compliments when there are other gorgeous people around.

I can't tell real from fake and then I come home feeling bummed out, feeling insecure. People go out of their way to tell me I'm pretty? Overly exaggerated. 

I'm ugly without makeup, decent with a pound of makeup, my opinion of myself.

Also, my ex use to tell me that people only wanted to hang out with me because they felt sorry for me. What are the odds my ex and my mother say similar things. So it must be true? I don't know what's real 😭 

Edited March 27, 2023 by justaskingok

[Alpacalia]

That’s understandable. Compliments can feel unsettling or uncomfortable, especially when they come from people you don't know well. 

If someone complimented you on something other than your appearance, say something you excel at or something that you did that you feel good about, how would you feel?

Your mother's comment was insensitive and hurtful. While her intent may have been to protect you, she disregarded your feelings in doing so. Just because your mother made those comments does not invalidate the fact that the compliment given by your teacher was genuine and valid.

Edited March 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Kassieee]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

That’s understandable. Compliments can feel unsettling or uncomfortable, especially when they come from people you don't know well. 

If someone complimented you on something other than your appearance, say something you excel at or something that you did that you feel good about, how would you feel?

Your mother's comment was insensitive and hurtful. While her intent may have been to protect you, she disregarded your feelings in doing so. Just because your mother made those comments does not invalidate the fact that the compliment given by your teacher was genuine and valid.

Protect me from what?

So would you agree that the delivery with the compliments of these people seem pretentious? There were other ladies at the engagement party, why was the grandma singling me out? She was looking at me alot too. I wasn't dressed crazy, my makeup wasn't crazy.

Even one of my aunts, every time she sees me "oh you're so beautiful omg so beautiful🙏 "....I have other cousins...she singles me out.

Edited March 27, 2023 by justaskingok

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, justaskingok said:

So would you agree that the delivery with the compliments of these people seem pretentious?

I don't get how this makes them pretentious, no. 

Do you mean fake? Insincere? I am not sure you've got the right word here. 

[Kassieee]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't get how this makes them pretentious, no. 

Do you mean fake? Insincere? I am not sure you've got the right word here. 

Pretentious...dictionary says- making an exaggerated outward show.

But yes...fake and insincere describes what they are doing. Just seems so overly exaggerated and fake.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, justaskingok said:

Pretentious...dictionary says- making an exaggerated outward show.

Yes, but generally to make oneself seem more important in an attempt to impress others. 

In any case, I can't see why these people would exaggerate their compliments. Does it make you upset? I would simply say "thank you" and keep moving. 

[Kassieee]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, but generally to make oneself seem more important in an attempt to impress others. 

In any case, I can't see why these people would exaggerate their compliments. Does it make you upset? I would simply say "thank you" and keep moving. 

It doesn't make me angry. I say thank you. But I overthink it, I hate not knowing if it's genuine. Why single me out?

I know I'm not that beautiful.

Edited March 27, 2023 by justaskingok

[Kassieee]

Maybe they think I'm so ugly I need the compliment. 

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, justaskingok said:

I think it stems from when I was in grade 8. My teacher made a board with all the students pictures on it...with a little compliments above it. I got "best hair"...I had highlights done at the time. I came home and told my mom and she replied with " she just feels sorry for you". 

(...)

Also, my ex use to tell me that people only wanted to hang out with me because they felt sorry for me. What are the odds my ex and my mother say similar things. So it must be true? I don't know what's real 😭 

I'm sorry that the people closest to you were so vicious and unkind. That's the sort of thing that can leave really deep scars and make you feel like you're unworthy.

Objectively speaking, it is not normal for a mother to talk to her child like that. Your mother is supposed to help boost your self-confidence and build you up, not tear you down by viciously opposing the compliments you receive. I suspect if you think hard enough, you'll be able to remember other instances when your mother has been unkind to you. Rest assured that you did not deserve that unkindness. No child ever deserves that. Rather, your mother has a problem. I'm going to take this even further and say it's possible that her own mother or other relatives used to treat her the same way. 

Your ex was just as hurtful as your mum because when we date people, we often choose people who have behavior that is familiar to us. If your mum or dad was emotionally abusive, you may find yourself dating someone who is emotionally abusive. If your parent was alcoholic, you may find yourself drawn to someone with a drinking problem. If, on the other hand, your parent was loving and encouraging and helped you become the best possible version of yourself, the odds are that you will gravitate towards a boyfriend with those qualities.

So no, you're not ugly. It's likely that you are, in fact, pretty. All those compliments by all those people cannot be false. You just happen to have been raised by an unkind person and, unfortunately, because she was your mother, you believed she was right. Once you started believing her, you became resistant to other people's compliments. That's what makes all of this so sad: our mothers have so much power to shape the way we view ourselves and the way we view the world, and some mothers abuse that power.

I think it's important for you to get to the point where you realize your mother and the people you date are just human. Like everybody else, they have flaws. They may feel insecure. They may even be envious of you. They can be wrong.

People who love you do not bring you down. They build you up. A boyfriend who tells you that people only hang out with you because they feel sorry for you is an idiot who needs to be dumped.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, justaskingok said:

It doesn't make me angry. I say thank you. But I overthink it, I hate not knowing if it's genuine. Why single me out?

I know I'm not that beautiful.

Complimenting people is more of a social grace than an evaluation. It's just a small talk pleasentry. 

So just say thanks and don't wonder why.  As far as your mother or ex, ignore their opinions. 

[JTSW]

Who cares what people think of you.

Let them say what they want.

If you're happy with yourself that's all that matters.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Maybe they think I'm so ugly I need the compliment. 

But really, you will never know if that's the case. What would it serve you to confirm your fear, one way or the other? 

[Lotsgoingon]

There is nothing "pretentious" about the compliments.  Nothing! Neither men or women compliment women on their looks out of feeling sorry for the person. That might happen for a little kid who gets called ugly and picked on.  Might happen for a parent trying to help a daughter who is down on her looks. But adults don't do that. 

I'm just so sorry: your mother's comments were destructive, toxic, insecurity-inducing. Her comments distorted your thinking at the root, so you have to go deep. You open to therapy? Your mother's words are a curse--meaning it's nearly impossible to think your way out of the toxic impact of the words. You can't think or unthink your way out of her curse. You have to go deep and undo it. 

Are you ready to be mad at mom? At least for a little while? Her comment says more about her insecurities than about you but parent comments like that stick unless the person does deep work to undo the  effect. 

So sorry you got this kind of curse early on. I'm sure your mom has many many great qualities. But her thinking at that moment when you were a kid--that was a terrible moment. 

 

Edited March 27, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, justaskingok said:

Protect me from what?

So would you agree that the delivery with the compliments of these people seem pretentious? There were other ladies at the engagement party, why was the grandma singling me out? She was looking at me alot too. I wasn't dressed crazy, my makeup wasn't crazy.

Even one of my aunts, every time she sees me "oh you're so beautiful omg so beautiful🙏 "....I have other cousins...she singles me out.

Mothers are protective for a variety of reasons.

Her concern might have been that compliments were focused exclusively on your physical features and not your achievements or personality.

Compliments are just a minor part of social interaction. When someone offers a compliment, don't overthink it; just take it at face value and don't read too much into it. What I mean by that is that constantly questioning every kind remark can be draining, so it's best to just appreciate it for what it is.

Maybe you are really beautiful and others want you to see it too.

Alternatively, you can thank them and move on to another topic, or simply end the conversation politely without engaging.

Someone's compliments of you may be genuine even if it doesn't seem that way to you.

[mark clemson]

Could it be that you're actually quite attractive, but psychologically you feel insecure and so "re-interpret" compliments in a negative light? (I.e. "I can't actually be that good looking, so the compliments must be insincere"?)

I can't see you and certainly have no idea which compliments you've received have been genuine or not. However, I think the question above is worth considering. If you feel "reflexive insecurity" perhaps seeing a therapist might be worthwhile, dunno?