Wondering how I feel about new acquaintance, what to do next, whether I was taken advantage of and whether I could be lying to myself

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She was looking for a travel buddy. That’s it. You accepted. 

She didn’t use you in any way, shape or form. 

And you can’t get closer to someone if they don’t reciprocate. So if she doesn’t really respond to you, you have to drop the whole idea.

Have you got any friends at all, OP? I mean that with respect. You seem to making a much bigger deal out of this than most would, which suggests to me that you’re quite isolated and craving connection. 

I don't even think she was really looking for a travel buddy, I was just convenient to her because she had a lot of questions about my country, it was her first time traveling alone and I am a local so it fit well.

Yes, that's exactly why I twice wrote that the ball is entirely or almost entirely in her court.

Not really, at least not where I live. I have 2-3 friends/acquaintances and they all live abroad.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

What I meant is that she probably wasn’t looking for anything more than someone to travel with a bit. I don’t think she has the same expectation as you do of a continued friendship, really. 

Why haven’t you got any local friends?

[TheEternalPessimist]

If she hasn't the same expectation of a continued friendship, why bother giving me her phone number and explicitly saying she wanted to continue communicating with me going forward?

Because the country and city I live in is one of the worst to make friends in, there are actual studies on this.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

why bother giving me her phone number and explicitly saying she wanted to continue communicating with me going forward?

To keep in touch sometimes. Lots of people do this without intending to become close friends. 

The question is, are you going to be able to manage your emotions if you only hear from her once in a while? 

[TheEternalPessimist]

I will be able to manage my emotions but honestly I will probably feel deceived and cheated somewhat. I have no idea if she wants to keep in touch sometimes and the definition of keeping in touch sometimes varies from people to people. To me, keeping in touch sometimes means texting several times a month or maybe once a week or so. 

Edited March 29, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[basil67]

1 hour ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I will be able to manage my emotions but honestly I will probably feel deceived and cheated somewhat. I have no idea if she wants to keep in touch sometimes and the definition of keeping in touch sometimes varies from people to people. To me, keeping in touch sometimes means texting several times a month or maybe once a week or so. 

Why exactly would you feel deceived and cheated over the idea that she may want to catch up in a different manner to you?   It could well be that she has no interest in being a text buddy but would like to catch up face to face when you're in the same city.  

[TheEternalPessimist]

In order for us to catch up face to face ever again, we will have to be good text buddies to begin with because one doesn't come without the other.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

honestly I will probably feel deceived and cheated somewhat

Then you are not in a place to handle this sort of connection. 

I'm sorry. You're bringing too much past baggage into this and projecting your pre-existing problems onto her. That is not the basis for a healthy friendship of any kind. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

So what is your alternative/suggestion?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

So what is your alternative/suggestion?

See if you stay in touch via social media. If so you've made a friend. If not, you had a fun adventure. Win-win situation. However either way it won't impact or resolve issues with making friends or dating in general. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

So what is your alternative/suggestion?

Keep your expectations very low. Don't get offended if she isn't in regular contact or doesn't respond to you promptly. Understand that this is likely to be a very casual acquaintanceship moving forward. 

But most of all? Focus on finding local friends. That is where the real issue lies. 

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

So what is your alternative/suggestion?

Stop expecting anything from this girl and get into therapy to work on your social skills and the root of the issue as to why you have so much trouble making actual friends.  I don't believe that no one in your entire city makes friends.  You are the common denominator in all these situations.

[TheEternalPessimist]

On 3/30/2023 at 12:49 PM, Wiseman2 said:

See if you stay in touch via social media. If so you've made a friend. If not, you had a fun adventure. Win-win situation. However either way it won't impact or resolve issues with making friends or dating in general. 

Well us managing to stay in touch via social media will depend entirely on her if she is willing to make the effort, be consistent, care about our discussions, don't wait for days or weeks to reply, ask questions, inquire about my life etc. I have little to no control over all this.

And I know it won't resolve issues with making friends or dating in general. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

19 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Stop expecting anything from this girl and get into therapy to work on your social skills and the root of the issue as to why you have so much trouble making actual friends.  I don't believe that no one in your entire city makes friends.  You are the common denominator in all these situations.

That's actually incorrect. While it looks that way, the main common denominator is the behavior and flakiness of those people I am no longer friends with or no longer in touch with. 

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

That's actually incorrect. While it looks that way, the main common denominator is the behavior and flakiness of those people I am no longer friends with or no longer in touch with. 

I remember your many other threads and the common theme in all of them.

[TheEternalPessimist]

Well yes, the common theme in those threads too was the behavior. I'm not saying I was perfect, far from it but many people behaved extremely inappropriately at times towards me and were inconsiderate of my feelings yet I still got blamed for it. 

[BrinnM]

Look, I don’t know your old threads. I don’t care to look them up to be honest with you. It’s too much work, nobody has time for that -  but in this particular case, I don’t think you have anything to lose. You also didn’t lose anything. You won so much, an interesting young woman. You had a great time together, and this may or may not continue. And that’s the end of the story. Why can’t you just take it for what it is and enjoy what you had rather than wanting more which might never happen? And if it does even better, but there’s no guarantee, and I think you should know that - it’s not like she owes you anything

[TheEternalPessimist]

You don't have to look them up, I never asked anything to do that and my old threads are completely irrelevant to this specific situation anyways. 

I know she doesn't owe me anything, that's not the point. 

[Lisa]

This thread has been closed as it is running in circles.  Thank you all for taking the time to respond 

[TheEternalPessimist]

Back in March of this year, I (M29) was visiting my home country where I met a woman (F26) who is a bit younger than me, we hit it off immediately and we spent 1-2 days together. Afterwards, we decided to stay in touch and we communicate via WhatsApp ever since. I speak her language fluently and we live in neighboring countries. When we finally said goodbye at the end of the trip, we mutually invited each other to visit our respective cities. Just like me, she lives in a big European city. I haven't visited that city in quite a while and had plan to visit it again anyways prior to meeting her so now it's just a potential plus for me.

Here's where it gets complicated: While she told me she really likes to have people over at her place, she told me that her current flat is too small to have guests over though she did mention that she was looking for something bigger. In her last message, she reiterated (without me bringing it up) that she can't have me over BUT that she will gladly 'make herself available to give me a city tour and show me some cool places'. In response, I told her that my visit will have to wait because I have some important exams coming up and can't afford to travel until after I've completed them so from December 2023 onwards. I also said that I didn't want to get too much into the topic of me visiting yet and that we can talk about it later on if she wants to. While I'm obviously not arrogant enough to think I'm entitled to sleep at her place, I'm also not really pleased about perhaps having to book a hotel for a few days. I'm concerned that I'll come for a 4-5 day visit and we'll only end up seeing each other for 1-2 hours once, I'd like to avoid that. Similar situations have happened before when I was visiting friends and it left me feeling really dejected and pissed off, I don't want to go through that again, I have had too many bad experiences when it comes to that. I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit on a couch for hours, have a drink, talk, laugh, share anecdotes etc., it's just not something that can be properly done if I'm not staying over at her place and if we only briefly hang out once or twice when I'm visiting I'll somewhat end up feeling like a moron afterwards. I'm not sure how much of her time she is willing to dedicate to me and I'm afraid that if I'm not staying with her she will just end up taking me for granted or taking me for a ride, so to speak.

Any advice? What should I do? Wait for her to get a bigger flat and hope that she invites me to stay over at her place than or go to visit her as soon as I can regardless of her flat situation, book a hotel and hope I don't end up hating my trip?

Just so we're clear, me and her are friends, she's (mostly) gay and I have no intentions whatsover with her. If something sexual happens between us then so be it but I won't initiate anything, that would be inappropriate.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

 What should I do? Wait for her to get a bigger flat and hope that she invites me to stay over at her place 

Unfortunately she doesn't want someone she met briefly staying in her place and that's understandable. If you were going anyway staying in affordable accommodations or friends, that's fine.

There's really not much to do since staying with her seems off the table. Alternatively invite her to your city and show her around and host her in your place.

Edited August 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately she doesn't want someone she met briefly staying in her place and that's understandable. If you were going anyway staying in affordable accommodations or friends, that's fine There's really not much to do since staying with her seems off the table.

It's only off the table because of her tiny flat. Her not wanting someone she met briefly staying at her place would make perfect sense if she didn't explicitly mention that she likes to have people over AND told me that she will gladly have me over if she could (or once she can, I guess). My concern is that we will barely see each other if I don't stay over at her place and I will feel like my trip was a waste of time, money and energy.

[MsJayne]

She's politely made it clear that having guests stay over is inconvenient, and it sounds like you respect that, so that just leaves the issue of how much time she can give you if you visit her city.  Just ask her, make it clear that if she's not going to be available you won't bother coming.  Are you sure you're not hoping for more than friendship? I ask because it does sound like you are, and, if that's the case, she's probably already picked up on that and doesn't want to find herself in awkward territory. I don't what "mostly gay" means, is that where the person's 95% gay and 5% heterosexual? Isn't that called bi-sexual? Whatever, I think she's made it clear that she's not interested in anything other than friendship, and if she's picked up that you're attracted to her that would be enough to make her uncomfortable with the idea of being in constant close proximity for the duration of your stay. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

me and her are friends, she's (mostly) gay and I have no intentions whatsover with her. 

If that's the case why not invite her to visit you and stay with you so you can host entertain and show her around?

It saves you the travel expenses, you can sit on the couch and drink, talk etc.,

Then perhaps one day when she has more space available she'll be able to reciprocate?

[TheEternalPessimist]

14 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

She's politely made it clear that having guests stay over is inconvenient, and it sounds like you respect that, so that just leaves the issue of how much time she can give you if you visit her city.  Just ask her, make it clear that if she's not going to be available you won't bother coming.  Are you sure you're not hoping for more than friendship? I ask because it does sound like you are, and, if that's the case, she's probably already picked up on that and doesn't want to find herself in awkward territory. I don't what "mostly gay" means, is that where the person's 95% gay and 5% heterosexual? Isn't that called bi-sexual? Whatever, I think she's made it clear that she's not interested in anything other than friendship, and if she's picked up that you're attracted to her that would be enough to make her uncomfortable with the idea of being in constant close proximity for the duration of your stay. 

There is nothing to respect or not respect, I have no control over her living situation.

I don't know what she is thinking about the whole thing, she voluntarily told me in our first written conversation after the trip that she is part of the LGBT community without me having asked or anything, it was a bit strange. Then we spoke about it a bit and she said that while she has dated both men and women in the past, she has exclusively dated women in recent years and now identifies as lesbian, that's why I said she is mostly gay.