Wondering how I feel about new acquaintance, what to do next, whether I was taken advantage of and whether I could be lying to myself

[basil67]

Just now, TheEternalPessimist said:

I mention it to let you all know that I've played in this movie before so I tend to be cautious now to avoid looking like a fool again.

Connect the dots in what way exactly?

A look at your history shows a large number of friendships where you expect far more of them that they expected.  You need to connect the dots across it all.

[JTSW]

13 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Their behaviors during my visit and after were wrong, it became clear to me that they did not appreciate what I did for them and that they were taking me for granted so I cut ties ultimately.

So you cut ties with people who don't don't give you allot of time?

Do you know how insane that sounds?

I'm assuming you have cut out quite allot of people.

What exactly did they do?

Many here have asked but you don't seem to want to answer.

This leads me to believe that there were some crossed wires because of you intense expectations.

Edited August 25, 2023 by JTSW

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

It's fine if she likes me as a friend only though I have reasons to doubt that she even considers me a friend to begin with. She could be a bit more invested and caring but that's on her. 

Ah, this confirms you're a 'holiday acquaintance'.  If you go to visit her despite her not being as invested and caring as you want, then if it doesn't work out to your satisfaction, that's on you

Edited August 25, 2023 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, TheEternalPessimist said:

Connect the dots in what way exactly?

That you over-extend yourself for people who don't view your friendship the same way.

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I tend to be cautious now to avoid looking like a fool again.

And that's wise - listen to that voice of hesitation. You barely know this woman and have been only been chatting a short time. It is way too soon to be planning a visit to see her and talking about her level of investment and caring. Drop all talk of visiting for now. See if you two even keep this friendship going first. 

I get the impression she's kindly trying to keep a boundary with you. 

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

What I want above all is to avoid looking like a fool and being taken for granted again hence my hesitations. 

Then you need to lower your expectations or you'll be disappointed your whole life.

[TheEternalPessimist]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Did they plan a heap of things you'd be doing together before you booked the holiday?  Or did you assume that it would be happening?  

 

 

I don't recall, the problem was their behavior during my stay and what happened afterwards. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, TheEternalPessimist said:

the problem was their behavior during my stay and what happened afterwards. 

Which was what? 

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ah, this confirms you're a 'holiday acquaintance'.  If you go to visit her despite her not being as invested and caring as you want, then if it doesn't work out to your satisfaction, that's on you

That's why there is a good chance I WON'T visit her and will eventually cut ties, nothing is off the table. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Then you need to lower your expectations or you'll be disappointed your whole life.

I have been lowering my expectations all my life, there will come a point where there won't be anything more to lower. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

5 minutes ago, JTSW said:

So you cut ties with people who don't don't give you allot of time?

Do you know how insane that sounds?

I'm assuming you have cut out quite allot of people.

What exactly did they do?

Many here have asked but you don't seem to want to answer.

This leads me to believe that there were some crossed wires because of you intense expectations.

No, I cut ties with people who did not appreciate what I did for them and took me for granted. 

[JTSW]

8 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I did this because I wanted to see them again and so we could hang out as friends do. I don't remember if they specifically invited me to visit them, it was too long ago. 

So you DID just show up unannounced with high expectations of them entertaining you, regardless of the fact that clearly already had things planned.

You just have a need for everyone to cater to you and do whatever you want.

I'll tell you straight, you are being very unreasonable, you have too high expectations and you will end up alone with no friends if you keep being this way.

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Which was what? 

I showed up in one of my friend's cities and they had planned a barbecue with their friends on that day despite knowing for weeks that I would be there on that day. Another fell asleep on the beach and got a sunburn so we couldn't hang out properly for like 2 days. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

So you DID just show up unannounced with high expectations of them entertaining you, regardless of the fact that clearly already had things planned.

You just have a need for everyone to cater to you and do whatever you want.

I'll tell you straight, you are being very unreasonable, you have too high expectations and you will end up alone with no friends if you keep being this way.

It wasn't unannounced, they knew for almost half a year prior that I would be coming. 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

No, I cut ties with people who did not appreciate what I did for them and took me for granted. 

You mean show up uninvited?

Why should they have been grateful for that?

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

 I question whether or not she is able to deliver. 

Try to view this as maybe you'll visit. There's nothing she has to or can "deliver", since she was clear that her place is too small for visitors.

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I showed up in one of my friend's cities and they had planned a barbecue with their friends on that day despite knowing for weeks that I would be there on that day. Another fell asleep on the beach and got a sunburn so we couldn't hang out properly for like 2 days. 

Let me guess, you cut this person out because they accidentally fell asleep and got a bad sunburn?

[JTSW]

So what I'm getting from all this is, you are not happy unless things go your way.

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to view this as maybe you'll visit. There's nothing she has to or can "deliver", since she was clear that her place is too small for visitors.

I mean deliver when it comes to other things, it's ok if her place is too small for visitors. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I showed up in one of my friend's cities and they had planned a barbecue with their friends on that day despite knowing for weeks that I would be there on that day.

To clairfy: when was the last time you spoke to them before arriving in their city? Did they understand you were coming specifically to see them? 

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

3 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Let me guess, you cut this person out because they accidentally fell asleep and got a bad sunburn?

No I didn't, I'm not that intense. It was an accumulation of many things overtime, not just this one incident. I am usually fairly patient though admittedly less so than 10 years ago. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

To clairfy: when was the last time you spoke to them before arriving in their city? Did they understand you were coming specifically to see them? 

 

I spoke to them a few days prior and yes they knew I was coming specifically to see them. 

[JTSW]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Did they understand you were coming specifically to see them? 

 

It sounds to me that he wanted to be their sole attention while he was there.

I don't see an issue with other people joining in.

He just seems to like things to go his way.

Edited August 25, 2023 by JTSW

[TheEternalPessimist]

6 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You mean show up uninvited?

Why should they have been grateful for that?

I did not show up uninvited, the trip was planned months prior and they knew all the details. Plus, who shows up on another continent uninvited and expects people to hang out with them? That's just not who I am.

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just now, JTSW said:

I'm guessing he never reminded them and just expected them to remember that he was visiting.

I did remind them, the trip was planned months ahead. With one friend, we literally had a Skype call one week before my arrival to go over all the details. 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I did remind them, the trip was planned months ahead. With one friend, we literally had a Skype call one week before my arrival to go over all the details. 

What you can't seem to accept is that there is always a possibility of things changing that can be out of people's control.

You like things set in stone, your way, with no interuptions.