Wondering how I feel about new acquaintance, what to do next, whether I was taken advantage of and whether I could be lying to myself

[ExpatInItaly]

Just...let it go.

 

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

I probably will, I'm just picking my moment now. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I probably will, I'm just picking my moment now. 

To do what?

Just stop responding. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

To do what?

Just stop responding. 

To tell her this "friendship" is over. I'm not just going to stop responding with no explanations, I'm not like her. 

[ShyViolet]

OP, the minute I see your username I remember the many other threads you posted on here, all with the same common theme as this one.  You repeatedly have tremendous difficulty relating to others socially, in reading social cues, navigating friendships.  I remember your thread where you did the same thing with your co-workers.  You seem determined NOT to realize that you are the common denominator here.  It's not that "your city" is to blame for being a difficult place to make friends.  Your entire attitude and approach to people is off-putting.  I know you scoff at the idea, but it would be a good idea for you to get into therapy to work on this and just maybe develop some better social skills.

I say all this not to attack you.  But to try and make you realize that there's a better way.  Don't you want to stop repeatedly struggling with this?  Stop being so defensive and open up your mind to the idea that maybe it's time to work on yourself.

Edited August 25, 2023 by ShyViolet

[TheEternalPessimist]

I don't recall posting anything about my coworkers, you must be confusing me with someone else. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I don't recall posting anything about my coworkers, you must be confusing me with someone else. 

Nope. 

It's in your posting history. You realize people here can see your previous threads, yeah?

You got really bent out of shape when your coworkers didn't want to meet up with you when Covid was still a big problem. 

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I don't recall posting anything about my coworkers, you must be confusing me with someone else. 

You're either being dishonest now or you have a bad memory.  I'm not sure which it is.  It was definitely you.

[TheEternalPessimist]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nope. 

It's in your posting history. You realize people here can see your previous threads, yeah?

You got really bent out of shape when your coworkers didn't want to meet up with you when Covid was still a big problem. 

I did not, you are literally making this up. I spent most of the pandemic locked up inside not wanting to meet with anybody.

Edited August 25, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I did not, you are literally making this up.

Nope. 

Go back and reread your own thread from August 2020. It's all right there. 

Edited August 25, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

To tell her this "friendship" is over. I'm not just going to stop responding with no explanations, I'm not like her. 

That's a good idea. The pot of gold you're looking for at the end of this rainbow probably will never happen. (Free stay and entertainment in her city)

[TheEternalPessimist]

Ultimately I don't really care much about the free stay or entertainment (I don't have any financial issues anyways) as much as I care about how poorly she's been behaving towards me throughout all these months. For me to come visit someone, they have to earn my visit, so to speak. I'm afraid she simply hasn't earned it at all.

[Acacia98]

On 8/24/2023 at 9:26 PM, TheEternalPessimist said:

I haven't visited that city in quite a while and had plan to visit it again anyways prior to meeting her so now it's just a potential plus for me.

My thoughts: Since you were planning to visit the city before you met her, just go ahead and visit it and do what you would have done if you hadn't met her. If you do that, the opportunity to meet up with her for 1 or 2 hours would be a plus, not an instance of her taking you for a ride. And if she actually ends up wanting to spend way more time with you, then you can adjust your plans accordingly.

If you're not romantically involved with her, then the odds of her rearranging her schedule significantly to accommodate you are low.

Mind you, I'm responding after having read only the first post, so I'm guessing that others have already said the same.

[TheEternalPessimist]

3 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

My thoughts: Since you were planning to visit the city before you met her, just go ahead and visit it and do what you would have done if you hadn't met her. If you do that, the opportunity to meet up with her for 1 or 2 hours would be a plus, not an instance of her taking you for a ride. And if she actually ends up wanting to spend way more time with you, then you can adjust your plans accordingly.

If you're not romantically involved with her, then the odds of her rearranging her schedule significantly to accommodate you are low.

Mind you, I'm responding after having read only the first post, so I'm guessing that others have already said the same.

While I did plan to visit the city before I met her, it wasn't high at all on my priority list and now visiting it knowing she lives there but not seeing her would feel weird. I would never ask her or expect her to rearrange her schedule significantly just to accomodate me. Either way, I will likely end up just cutting ties with her. 

[Acacia98]

That's fine. I agree with ExpatInItaly that you should end this friendship.

I've caught up with all the comments now. My sense is the same here as it was in previous threads. You do way too much for the people you call your friends, way more than they would themselves do for you. So you feel shortchanged when they don't reciprocate. The solution is to stop doing so much for people with whom you don't have an established history of trust and closeness/friendship.

For example, flying to another continent just to spend time with a relatively new friend/friendly acquaintance is something most people wouldn't do if they could afford it. Traveling abroad is expensive and it's stressful and inconvenient... There's no way most folks are going to endure that kind of stress and sacrifice for another human being unless it's a really close friendship that goes back a long time, a close relative, or a significant other.

I think if you're young (late teens or early twenties), you might be more flexible and adventurous and willing to do this kind of thing just for the heck of it, but as you grow older, that changes. Most people have jobs, and maybe go to uni, and have family responsibilities, and social lives in their local areas. That leaves them little time and emotional energy for the kind of intense long-distance friendship that you favor.

Even staying in touch by writing messages to each other and calling each other on the phone becomes harder as one ages because one tends to have more responsibilities and less free time. I have some dear friends whom I appreciate. I don't have the time to call them/message them every month. I write/call when I can. And they write/call when they can. If we were significant others, that would be a problem. But we're not, so no one is losing sleep over it.

Edited August 25, 2023 by Acacia98

[TheEternalPessimist]

10 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

That's fine. I agree with ExpatInItaly that you should end this friendship.

I've caught up with all the comments now. My sense is the same here as it was in previous threads. You do way too much for the people you call your friends, way more than they would themselves do for you. So you feel shortchanged when they don't reciprocate. The solution is to stop doing so much for people with whom you don't have an established history of trust and closeness/friendship.

For example, flying to another continent just to spend time with a relatively new friend/friendly acquaintance is something most people wouldn't do if they could afford it. Traveling abroad is expensive and it's stressful and inconvenient... There's no way most folks are going to endure that kind of stress and sacrifice for another human being unless it's a really close friendship that goes back a long time, a close relative, or a significant other.

I think if you're young (late teens or early twenties), you might be more flexible and adventurous and willing to do this kind of thing just for the heck of it, but as you grow older, that changes. Most people have jobs, and maybe go to uni, and have family responsibilities, and social lives in their local areas. That leaves them little time and emotional energy for the kind of intense long-distance friendship that you favor.

Even staying in touch by writing messages to each other and calling each other on the phone becomes harder as one ages because one tends to have more responsibilities and less free time. I have some dear friends whom I appreciate. I don't have the time to call them/message them every month. I write/call when I can. And they write/call when they can. If we were significant others, that would be a problem. But we're not, so no one is losing sleep over it.

Even with the people I have an established history of trust and closeness/friendship it is almost never reciprocated, it has led me many times to give up on friendships altogether.

I flew to another continent just to spend time with some friends after I had known them and spoken to them regularly for at least 2 straight years, it did not happen overnight or after a few months. The experience has in many ways left me bitterly disappointed hence my reluctant to do this with someone else even if it doesn't involve any flights to another continent anymore.

Yes I've hit a stage in my life where I probably don't need friends anymore really and won't be making new stable friends anytime soon, if ever again. I am honestly fine with that for the most part, it's just disappointing when it comes from someone I had clicked so much with initially and who voluntarily agreed to stay in touch.

Fair enough, this goes back to my previous paragraph about not really needing friends. I wish I could have taken more advantage of it when I was younger I guess.