Wondering how I feel about new acquaintance, what to do next, whether I was taken advantage of and whether I could be lying to myself

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

It will entirely depend on her if it ends up being a fond memory or a memory I resent. 

If this adventure didn't happen, you would be in the same place. So you lost nothing by having a fun time. This wasn't a date, it was a serendipitous meeting you latched on to.  You owe each other nothing. You seem too invested in an outcome that may be unrealistic.

[TheEternalPessimist]

I know we don't owe each other nothing. 

[BrinnM]

8 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Well it was out of the goodness of my heart so naturally I expect something in return at some point, it's only fair.

Well, first of all, that’s a complete contradiction. If you did it out of the “goodness of your heart”, you naturally wouldn’t expect anything in return. You just do it out of the good of your heart because that’s who you are and that’s how good your heart is. 

secondly: what did you DO  for her or give to her that you can expect anything in return for?   I was not able to draw that conclusion from your original post unfortunately. Can you elaborate? Did you sacrifice anything? Did she promise you anything? what’s going on? Did you lend her money?

….. considering all the information I have so far I don’t think you’re entitled to anything nor is she obligated to maintain a friendship, let alone a relationship with you. That’s just ludicrous. I apologize if I’m missing anything but please clarify because I’m really curious now.

 

 

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Because that's not what I wanted, I wanted a genuine connection/friendship/relationship afterwards. 

Yes, I understand that you'd be disappointed

16 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Well it was out of the goodness of my heart so naturally I expect something in return at some point, it's only fair.

When we do something "from the goodness of our heart", it's done without expectation of reciprocation.  It's a selfless action.  Offering a seat to someone who needs it.  Teaching a friend how to do a certain skill.  Finding out the person in front of you in the checkout is $1 short and paying for them.  Helping someone when the bottom of their grocery bag just fell through.  And yes, sightseeing with a visitor to your country.

If you're expecting something in return, then it's business - not kindness.

 

Edited March 28, 2023 by basil67

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, BrinnM said:

Well, first of all, that’s a complete contradiction. If you did it out of the “goodness of your heart”, you naturally wouldn’t expect anything in return. You just do it out of the good of your heart because that’s who you are and that’s how good your heart is. 

secondly: what did you DO  for her or give to her that you can expect anything in return for?   I was not able to draw that conclusion from your original post unfortunately. Can you elaborate? Did you sacrifice anything? Did she promise you anything? what’s going on? Did you lend her money?

….. considering all the information I have so far I don’t think you’re entitled to anything nor is she obligated to maintain a friendship, let alone a relationship with you. That’s just ludicrous. I apologize if I’m missing anything but please clarify because I’m really curious now.

 

 

Well initially I did not expect anything in return (as in staying in touch afterwards) but now I kinda do given the fact we mutually invited each other to come visit each other where we live. 

I didn't do anything per se but accompany her around my country, translate and explain a lot of things to her. She wouldn't have learned even 10% of the things she learned about the country and wouldn't have seen even 10% of what she has seen from the country if it weren't for me. If she doesn't make the effort to stay in touch after mentioning explicitly that she wanted to then she will basically s.hit over everything I did with her and for her.

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Yes, I understand that you'd be disappointed

When we do something "from the goodness of our heart", it's done without expectation of reciprocation.  It's a selfless action.  Offering a seat to someone who needs it.  Teaching a friend how to do a certain skill.  Finding out the person in front of you in the checkout is $1 short and paying for them.  Helping someone when the bottom of their grocery bag just fell through.  And yes, sightseeing with a visitor to your country.

If you're expecting something in return, then it's business - not kindness.

 

It's not business, friendships and overall relationships between two humans are a two-way street. I cut ties with many people once it became entirely one-sided, it would be sad to do it with someone I met in my own country and who made the effort to come visit what is rather an unknown and small country. 

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

It's not business, friendships and overall relationships between two humans are a two-way street. I cut ties with many people once it became entirely one-sided, it would be sad to do it with someone I met in my own country and who made the effort to come visit what is rather an unknown and small country. 

Yes, friendship/relationship is about looking out for each other, but this wasn't yet an established friendship or relationship.  Instead, your help contained the unspoken caveat of expecting friendship as a payback for your assistance (and I use the word 'payback' deliberately because you use the phrase 'it's only fair')

I truly do understand the disappointment of meeting someone, enjoying their company, wanting a friendship to develop then finding that it doesn't happen. I think it's happened to all of us - it happened to me last year.  But if this is anything more than a basic disappointment, then you're very much overreacting.

Edited March 28, 2023 by basil67
grammar

[BrinnM]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, friendship/relationship is about looking out for each other, but this wasn't yet an established friendship or relationship.

Exactly. Also, OP approached the lady tourist, not the other way round, and she just “played along”. It’s always nice to meet a local (if you’re not completely paranoid about getting raped or whatever), and these are the best experiences you can have while you’re traveling. Get involved with the locals, and they’re going to show you around the show you the best food, the best restaurants, they show you how to have fun etc. etc.. And with some you will stay friends, and with some you will not, and most you will never see again Such is life…..

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Well it was out of the goodness of my heart so naturally I expect something in return at some point, it's only fair.

I really hope you're not being completely serious here.  A "give to get" attitude when it comes to interactions with other people is not a good thing.

  Most of us would have gone along with the tourist if we thought it would be fun, and said "no thanks" if we were not truly interested in spending that time with the person just for its own sake.  

You're expecting some kind of payback - that's pretty unfortunate.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

If she doesn't make the effort to stay in touch after mentioning explicitly that she wanted to then she will basically s.hit over everything I did with her and for her.

You have a very immature, entitled idea about friendships if you really feel this way. 

Your real problem is that you lack social connection in your life, and are already resentful. Now you are projecting that onto this random young lady. She is not responsible for making sure your ego is soothed here and that your feelings don't get hurt. 

Try not to seek validation from people who barely know you. Focus instead on making friendships and meeting women locally. One who lives in another country is not likely to become anything more than an acquaintance, so you need to adjust your expectations and deal with the real issues in your life. 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

 I thought I was having a good time with her. Obviously, I did not tell her I was a virgin or that I never had a girlfriend before but maybe she could tell. 

She left it that you'll stay in touch and that's par for the course in this type of vacation encounter.  The only strange part is your self-consciousness about your dating experiences. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

7 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Exactly. Also, OP approached the lady tourist, not the other way round, and she just “played along”. It’s always nice to meet a local (if you’re not completely paranoid about getting raped or whatever), and these are the best experiences you can have while you’re traveling. Get involved with the locals, and they’re going to show you around the show you the best food, the best restaurants, they show you how to have fun etc. etc.. And with some you will stay friends, and with some you will not, and most you will never see again Such is life…..

And that's fine but we mutually agreed to stay in touch and probably see each other again, now the ball is in her court. She even said she likes to have people over at her place in France. I like to think that if she didn't have a good time, she had plenty of opportunities to walk away from the hang out, to refuse to see me again after the first hangout.

Edited March 29, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I really hope you're not being completely serious here.  A "give to get" attitude when it comes to interactions with other people is not a good thing.

  Most of us would have gone along with the tourist if we thought it would be fun, and said "no thanks" if we were not truly interested in spending that time with the person just for its own sake.  

You're expecting some kind of payback - that's pretty unfortunate.

 

I don't have a "give to get" attitude with everyone in all circumstances but in this specific situation I definitely gave a lot and I don't know many people who would have done what I did. If I went to a country and a local walked me over for an entire day or two, I would kinda feel obliged to stay in touch with them later on unless I absolutely hated my experience which didn't see to be her case but if it is then she deserves a Nobel prize in fakery.

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have a very immature, entitled idea about friendships if you really feel this way. 

Your real problem is that you lack social connection in your life, and are already resentful. Now you are projecting that onto this random young lady. She is not responsible for making sure your ego is soothed here and that your feelings don't get hurt. 

Try not to seek validation from people who barely know you. Focus instead on making friendships and meeting women locally. One who lives in another country is not likely to become anything more than an acquaintance, so you need to adjust your expectations and deal with the real issues in your life. 

After what I did for her, yes she kinda is. I have expectations now, I didn't when we initially met, hence me telling her on the second day that at this point I no longer felt like a guide but rather like a friend/acquaintance. 

Edited March 29, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

After what I did for her, yes she kinda is. I have expectations now,

No. 

You offered your services, essentially. She was being friendly and has done nothing wrong. You have very unrealistic expectations. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

I know she has done nothing wrong YET but if we don't stay in touch now then it will be a major disappointment. As I said earlier, the ball is in her court. I want to stay in touch with her AND I plan to invest myself to make it work. She told me she has plenty of friends abroad who she doesn't necessarily see often but they still keep in touch regularly.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

After what I did for her, yes she kinda is.

There's people who give strangers a kidney. You two did some sightseeing together?

She was kind to keep you company and you were nice to show her around. But it's not like you made huge sacrifices solely for her benefit.  You don't owe each other anything.

With respect, it's difficult to understand resentment  after some lovely stranger offered you fun and company. Why not reach out and let her know it was nice meeting her and thank her for the lovely time you had?

[TheEternalPessimist]

I don't know, I think quashing my own plans on that final day to hang out with her and show her another city was a big sacrifice. 

I already thanked her for the lovely time when we said our goodbyes face-to-face on the final day. I have messaged her since to wish her a safe trip back. She's been back for about 12 hours now so let's see if she messages me first at some point, I don't want to pester her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

f we don't stay in touch now then it will be a major disappointment.

And that will still be on you, for having unrealistic expectations and getting way too attached to someone you hardly know. 

You spent a couple days together and did some sightseeing. That's it. Your sense of entitlement is completely disproportionate, though I suspect you're struggling because you admit you have few other social outlets and have never dated anyone. 

That is where you need to focus: forming and maintaining connections with local people, not with those you barely know who live in another country. You are setting yourself up for disappointment by looking for deeper connection in the wrong places. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

At this point, I wouldn't say I hardly know her. Sure, we still have a lot of things to find out about each other if we stay in touch but we are way past the stage of initial and shy conversations, in my opinion.

I don't live in a good place to form and maintain connections with local people, I've tried and failed many times to the point where I just gave up. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you would be surprised to learn that she likely doesn’t see you as someone she really knows.

Most people don’t attach much emotional significance to someone they meet in passing. This isn’t to say she doesn’t like you, but rather that she isn’t taking this anywhere near as  seriously as you are. She might keep in touch but you should not expect anything more than a casual friendship at best. Not regular contact. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you would be surprised to learn that she likely doesn’t see you as someone she really knows.

Most people don’t attach much emotional significance to someone they meet in passing. This isn’t to say she doesn’t like you, but rather that she isn’t taking this anywhere near as  seriously as you are. She might keep in touch but you should not expect anything more than a casual friendship at best. Not regular contact. 

Yet but that can change and I am hoping it does, I will work towards that if she allows me to. We did too many things together, talked about too many deep subjects for me to consider her as just someone I met in passing.

Regular contact is relative especially when it's long-distance. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You can work towards getting closer. 

But keep your expectations and past resentment in check, in case she’s not that interested in getting close. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

I'm not sure I necessarily know how to work towards getting closer, keep in mind I have the short end of the stick. 

I don't know, to me the fact that she specifically messaged me while we were both in my country to ask me if I wanted to accompany her to another town the next day, then proceeded to spend the whole day with me even though she could have chose not to, take pictures with me, ask me a million questions about my country, eat with me indicates she wants or at least wanted to get close otherwise why do all those things? To use me maybe?

[ExpatInItaly]

She was looking for a travel buddy. That’s it. You accepted. 

She didn’t use you in any way, shape or form. 

And you can’t get closer to someone if they don’t reciprocate. So if she doesn’t really respond to you, you have to drop the whole idea.

Have you got any friends at all, OP? I mean that with respect. You seem to making a much bigger deal out of this than most would, which suggests to me that you’re quite isolated and craving connection.