Wondering how I feel about new acquaintance, what to do next, whether I was taken advantage of and whether I could be lying to myself

[TheEternalPessimist]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If that's the case why not invite her to visit you and stay with you so you can host entertain and show her around?

It saves you the travel expenses, you can sit on the couch and drink, talk etc.,

Then perhaps one day when she has more space available she'll be able to reciprocate?

I did invite her to visit, I just didn't want to mention it again or insist on it after mentioning it that one time as to not make it weird. This whole time it's been about me coming to visit and never about her coming to visit so now I'm not sure how to overturn the situation to my advantage without being clingy and creepy. 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

While I'm obviously not arrogant enough to think I'm entitled to sleep at her place, I'm also not really pleased about perhaps having to book a hotel for a few days. I'm concerned that I'll come for a 4-5 day visit and we'll only end up seeing each other for 1-2 hours once, I'd like to avoid that. Similar situations have happened before when I was visiting friends and it left me feeling really dejected and pissed off, I don't want to go through that again,

I think it's a lot to expect someone to take 4-5 days leave to keep you company while you visit.  Personally, I'd expect one day thing and one evening thing only.  

If you do have to book a hotel next year, it's probably best to say you're trying to figure out how many days to book and ask if she's taking any leave...or if it will be a one day catch up.  And plant your trip accordingly. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

I'm not expecting her to take 4-5 days leave to keep me company while visiting. It's fine if we're not hanging out every single minute of my trip of course but I will not be ok with us just seeing each other once for a few hours if I'm there multiple days and I feel like this is very likely if I get a hotel, I have had bad experiences with this in the past.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why are you even worried about this now?

This is a trip that may happen months from now. You're fretting over something that - who knows? - might not even take place. It seems a bit unnecessary to get worked up over these details when you actually have no idea yet if you two will even keep in touch over the coming months. This might fizzle well before December. 

10 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

she has exclusively dated women in recent years and now identifies as lesbian

So, are you thinking that you still have a chance with her? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds as though she is trying to indirectly remind you that she isn't into you like that. She is being clear you can't stay over at her place and she dates only women now. You are taking this huge hint, right? 

[JTSW]

You seem to really have your back up about not being able to stay with her.

She's right to not let you.

You met each other once and talked since via WhatsApp.

She doesn't know you so she absolutely shouldn't allow you to stay with her.

Yes, she said she has friends stay over, but these are probably people she has known for years.

You are a virtual stranger to her.

[TheEternalPessimist]

15 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You seem to really have your back up about not being able to stay with her.

She's right to not let you.

You met each other once and talked since via WhatsApp.

She doesn't know you so she absolutely shouldn't allow you to stay with her.

Yes, she said she has friends stay over, but these are probably people she has known for years.

You are a virtual stranger to her.

Then she shouldn't have brought it up at all in the first place. After hanging out with her for two full days and us exchanging messages for months now, I don't think I am still a virtual stranger to her. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why are you even worried about this now?

This is a trip that may happen months from now. You're fretting over something that - who knows? - might not even take place. It seems a bit unnecessary to get worked up over these details when you actually have no idea yet if you two will even keep in touch over the coming months. This might fizzle well before December. 

So, are you thinking that you still have a chance with her? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds as though she is trying to indirectly remind you that she isn't into you like that. She is being clear you can't stay over at her place and she dates only women now. You are taking this huge hint, right? 

I worry about this now because I like to plan things in advance. 

This isn't about me having a chance with her, I never hit on her, never talked about having a relationship. I want to stay at her place not because I want to date her but because I am concerned we won't be spending quality time together if I don't. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You hardly know this person, OP.  I think you are being a bit too intense and expecting too much of a very new friend. 

2 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I never hit on her, never talked about having a relationship

I realize you never said this to her. But do you want to get with her? That is a different question, and one which I raise because you also said this:

15 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

If something sexual happens between us then so be it but I won't initiate anything, that would be inappropriate.

So? 

[TheEternalPessimist]

No I don't want to get with her, this is not what this is about which is why I don't really get the point of her mentioning she is LGBT but I let it slide.

What I meant by 'If something sexual happens between us then so be it' is that if she comes on to me I won't push her away, that's it. 

It's true that I barely know her, for some reason she wanted to stay in touch so I'm thinking she wants us to get to know each other even better.

Edited August 25, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Then she shouldn't have brought it up at all in the first place. After hanging out with her for two full days and us exchanging messages for months now, I don't think I am still a virtual stranger to her. 

But you are.

2 days and words on a screen, that's all you have been.

That's not enough to truly know a person.

She never actually invited you to stay with her.

She said she would, but her place is too small.

That's a polite way of telling you that she doesn't want you to stay with her.

[TheEternalPessimist]

For us to be virtual strangers, we would have to be exclusively online acquaintances who never met in real life. I think we did too much in those 2 days and since for us to still be strangers though obviously we still have a lot to find out about each other.

While yes she did say her place is too small (which I have no reason to not believe), she also mentioned that she likes to have people over and didn't seem to entirely reject the option of having me stay over at her place should she get a new flat which she is planning to do regardless of my visit or not. Why mention any of that if she isn't open to the possibility of me staying over at her (new) place eventually?

Edited August 25, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

don't really get the point of her mentioning she is LGBT but I let it slide.

Probably so that she could indirectlly make it clear to you that she isn't into you and nothing romantic is ever going to happen. 

7 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

It's true that I barely know her, for some reason she wanted to stay in touch so I'm thinking she wants us to get to know each other even better.

Sure, but that doesn't mean planning a cozy visit months from now. Chill, man. You two are basically strangers to each other and you're going on about quality time? Your expectations are too high. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Probably so that she could indirectlly make it clear to you that she isn't into you and nothing romantic is ever going to happen. 

Sure, but that doesn't mean planning a cozy visit months from now. Chill, man. You two are basically strangers to each other and you're going on about quality time? Your expectations are too high. 

Ok fine I guess but I never asked for anything romantic to happen anyways so this is an irrational fear. 

I'm going on about quality time based on previous experiences in similar situations with friends where their poor planning and them insisting on having certain rules led to me visiting and ultimately feeling like an idiot who was used after I left. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

 I like to plan things in advance. 

I want to stay at her place not because I want to date her but because I am concerned we won't be spending quality time together if I don't. 

If she were running a BNB with a tour guide service this would make sense.  As far as just visiting a city you want to visit anyway, go with a friend to defray the costs.

That way you can save money, see the area, have company and just get together with this new acquaintance as mutually convenient instead of putting the entire onus on her to assure you have an affordable pleasant trip.

[TheEternalPessimist]

I usually prefer to visit cities alone, I don't really have a friend I can take with me and given that I want to hang out with her eventually it will just be weird bringing a third person along. 

[JTSW]

10 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

For us to be virtual strangers, we would have to be exclusively online acquaintances who never met in real life. I think we did too much in those 2 days and since for us to still be strangers though obviously we still have a lot to find out about each other.

While yes she did say her place is too small (which I have no reason to not believe), she also mentioned that she likes to have people over and didn't seem to entirely reject the option of having me stay over at her place should she get a new flat which she is planning to do regardless of my visit or not. Why mention any of that if she isn't open to the possibility of me staying over at her (new) place eventually?

What is it you want here exactly?

Because you're not listening to anything anyone here is saying.

You are just pissed that you can't stay at her place.

She's not even into you romantically so I don't understand why you are getting so bent out of shape.

Is it because you don't want to pay for a hotel?

Edited August 25, 2023 by JTSW

[TheEternalPessimist]

Just now, JTSW said:

What is it you want here exactly?

Because you're not listening to anything anyone here is saying.

You are just pissed that you can't stay at her place.

It's her right so you need to get a grip and accept it.

Yes it's her right and I'm not pissed at all that I can't stay at her place, I'm just trying to figure out how we can still have a good time together regardless. If I do go, I want to come back from this trip not feeling like it was a waste of time, money and energy. 

[JTSW]

Just now, TheEternalPessimist said:

Yes it's her right and I'm not pissed at all that I can't stay at her place, I'm just trying to figure out how we can still have a good time together regardless. If I do go, I want to come back from this trip not feeling like it was a waste of time, money and energy. 

So you would expect all her time while you are there?

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

So you would expect all her time while you are there?

No, not all her time. I never wrote that I expect all her time, that would be insane. I do however expect more than a 'oh cool this random guy is here' 1-2 hour tour of the city from her which is what I'm concerned could ultimately happen. If I sense that this is where it's heading then I simply won't go and will in all likelihood eventually cut ties with her. 

Edited August 25, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

, I want to come back from this trip not feeling like it was a waste of time, money and energy. 

You mentioned you had a previous bad experience and disappointment when doing this. But expecting a new acquaintance to be completely responsible for your accomodations and entertainment seems quite unrealistic. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You mentioned you had a previous bad experience and disappointment when doing this. But expecting a new acquaintance to be completely responsible for your accomodations and entertainment seems quite unrealistic. 

Yes and not just one previous bad experience and disappointment. I never expected her or anyone to be completely responsible for my accomodations and entertainment, even if I were to stay at her place eventually there are still things I would want to do alone when she's not available. However, me coming and us potentially barely seeing each other doesn't feel right either. 

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

No, not all her time. I never wrote that I expect all her time, that would be insane. I do however expect more than a 'oh cool this random guy is here' 1-2 hour tour of the city from her which is what I'm concerned could ultimately happen. If I sense that this is where it's heading then I simply won't go and will in all likelihood eventually cut ties with her. 

It's her you need to talk to about this.

[TheEternalPessimist]

I don't know how to do that so the words come out properly and it doesn't lead to a huge misunderstanding. It's already very difficult at times to navigate the situation as it is.

Edited August 25, 2023 by TheEternalPessimist

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I don't know how to do that so the words come out properly and it doesn't lead to a huge misunderstanding. It's already very difficult at times to navigate the situation as it is.

It doesn't have to be difficult.

You are just making it difficult.

[TheEternalPessimist]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

It doesn't have to be difficult.

You are just making it difficult.

How am I making it difficult?? She could be a bit more invested and clear about how she sees things going forward.