Am I overthinking?

[curriousg]

Me and my ex had broken up for a month and we finally started back talking, we were talking everyday, we agreed that we’d be there for one another, get our life together and then come back together but in the mean time we’d be working on ourselves. 

She would randomly disappear during and return with a different excuse each time, long story short she suffers from depression and is uncomfortable about her current situation in life as far as where she’s currently at, she feels that she should be much further. I feel the same way, mind you we use to have money but due to me mismanaging the money we went flat broke. 

But we started back texting a month after we broke up, the break up was a bad break up and the only reason we started back communicating was because I had sent her some harsh emails after I thought she had left me for someone else because someone who’s family but not close to her sent me a questionable picture that had my ex in it, keep in mind her in this particular family member doesn’t have a relationship and they’ve never been close, they didn’t even grow up knowing each other. This family member of hers is just a good friend of mines, she was a client of mines in the past. 

But back to what I was saying. So after we started back talking, things were going good, we had good conversations via text but that’s the thing, we only spoke via text.

She never made the effort to see me, she would go see her friends but she would never make the effort to see me. I only seen her 4 times and each time it was because she was returning something that she had asked to use or if she needed me to go with her to do something but we never spent time together. I would ask to see her a few times and she made an excuse to not see me. 

Which is weird because we were inseparable from the moment we met up until 4 months before we broke up which was due to unforeseen events, she had to move away because of certain circumstances that i didn’t handle as a man. 

But back to the situation at hand, like I was saying we had started back communicating but only via text and she would randomly disappear and return but everytime she would return she would tell me about how something had happened and everything lead back to her depression and her not being were she wanted to be in life which is understandable because me and her both crave success, that’s what brought us together. We made money together and fell in love while doing so. Our signs are compatible for business and relationships and it made sense because we had the best of times together and we shared the same taste in interest in pretty everything you can think of. She even told me I was the best thing to ever happen to her.

So last month she disappeared again and I haven’t talk to her like we use to since, we’ve spoken maybe three times over text, one time was her responding to me saying hurtful things because I was upset she had disappeared without notice and she had thought I said that I had better things to focus on rather than her which was a misunderstanding. I’m her harsh response she said something that I’ll never forget, she said she didn’t have to talk to me ever again which really put a hole in my heart .

Two weeks later she sent me a random apology, she said she’s been going through a lot and she was upset when she sent it and that wasn’t a excuse for her to say the things she said to me but she was sorry for telling me the things she told me and I’ve yet to hear from her since, it’s been three weeks now and still no signs of her. 

She be on social media though, not posting or anything but adding new friends etc so I’m confused. Should I call a ball a ball and move on? Or am I overthinking?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long were you together? What was the reason for the breakup? Did you live together? 

Do you both work? Are you long distance? Are both of you getting help for physical and mental health issues?

What exactly does "working on" yourselves mean?  Were there financial issues, substance abuse or other areas that needed improvement? What has improved since you broke up?

Unfortunately, sending "harsh" texts isn't helping.  It seems to be holding you back from your goal of improving your life by dragging each other down and dragging out the breakup.

Try to focus solely on whatever your goals are to improve yourself and your life. 

[curriousg]

Thank you for your response: 

We weee together a year in a half, been broken up for about 6 months now, yes we lived together. No we aren’t long distance, she lives 30 minutes away in a small town, not sure if that’s considered long distance because she’s always here at her family and friends place, either her dad or one of her two friends.

No, we aren’t working we’re entrepreneurs but we are both seeking employment at the moment. I have technical skills and she’s into the beauty industry, she’s working to get certification and I’m wanting to help her do so, I’m currently looking for employment as I stated but I’ve yet to get hired, I’m in search of a certain salary for obvious reasons, I need to be able to provide. 
 

When I say working on ourselves I mean, getting financially stable, we aren’t where we want to be in life, we lost everything that we worked for because it was so hard to maintain during the pandemic. 
Her and I are entrepreneurial minded and the very reason we met was because we were partnering up to make money together. It was the essence of building something with your significant other that drove us, we loved each other and we’re inseparable, we did everything together. She was there for me even when I fumbled the ball, I was in charge of the money because I’m the man ofc, so everything we made together, she let me keep. Mind you before we got together I had saved up 6 figures from grinding and met her while I was taking a bread to enjoy myself for the first time in forever, I’ve always put the need to be successful before anything and I met her through a friend, she’s the cousin of a old friend that I had reconnected with after he became my client and an affiliate marketer for the services I was providing at the time. 
 

Fast forward, I miss managed all of the money and was left with nothing, usually I can climb out of a hole no matter what but I never recovered, she stayed by my side but due to our living situation. She had moved in with a family member and that’s when the distance came, we rarely seen each other if at all and I started to accuse her of infidelity. I just had a weird feeling that she was messing around with her friend which is a stud and she’s denied it. A few people told me that the stud is her girlfriend but she denies it. I don’t know what to believe because a person can lie to your face and it doesn’t matter what type of connection you have with them they can and will lie. 
 

Viewing call records I noticed she would spend hours on the phone with the stud that she claimed was her friend but she would tell me she doesn’t like to talk on the phone etc she claimed she was mad at me because I fumbled the bag so she didn’t want to talk to me. Mind you we were still together during this time. We had planned to move to another city during this time apart, we had managed to get some money together but it was hard finding a place, we’d get approved and then denied for 3 months straight so we decided to get a temporary short term rental, after arriving they cancelled and she left me there, she didn’t warn me or anything, she left me at a hotel and she drove back home. We didn’t talk for a month afterwards. We finally spoke a month later and she apologized and said that she couldn’t take it anymore she was tired of everything not working and she need a reset. To this day I’m still heart broken by that because when I checked the call records she was on the phone with the stud the entire way back. 
 

She claims the stud is just her friend but other people say different but keep in mind these people haven’t seen her, a particular person seen them together and my guess is that they thought they were together, I’m not sure. I don’t know what that person seen to make them think that but she told me she had ran into that person on our way out of town when we were relocating. My sister says she had to already have it in the back of her mind that she was going to leave me down there. 
 

What gives me hope is that when we weee texting before she disappeared a month ago, she would always talk about us in future situations, she told me that this is temporary and when we get right we will reunite. The fact that she still wears her promise ring gives me hope because the ring has meaning behind it, the actual ring means two souls connected as one. She told me she’s never take it off and she hasn’t. 

My thing is, should I move on or should I wait for her? 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, curriousg said:

 we are both seeking employment at the moment. I have technical skills.   I miss managed all of the money. She had moved in with a family member and that’s when the distance came, 

For now, focus solely on an income producing job and recovering financially. After the financial ruin she had no choice but to save herself and move home. Discontinue accusing her of infidelity or sending nasty texts. It's not a good look.

 You broke up because the business venture caused financial ruin, not because some "stud" came along.

Step way back. Do whatever you can all day everyday to secure gainful employment. You'll have to do that whether you ever get back together or not.

Until you have gainful employment and have restored your living situation and recoverd financially, don't contact her unless she contacts you. She as well needs to focus on employment and financial recovery, not patching things up or text arguments.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, curriousg said:

Should I call a ball a ball and move on?

Yes. 

It is pretty clear that she doesn't have the same intent to reconcile. She isn't disappearing, really. She's doing what most exes do after they break up - living her life and not prioritizing her former partner anymore. And yes, she might be seeing someone else. 

37 minutes ago, curriousg said:

What gives me hope is that when we weee texting before she disappeared a month ago, she would always talk about us in future situations, she told me that this is temporary and when we get right we will reunite.

Eh, but she's been silent since. She's feeding you lines that don't mean anything, given that her words don't match her actions. 

I'm sorry, OP. You're not over-thinking. You're just not quite ready yet to accept that this has come to an end. 

[curriousg]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

For now, focus solely on an income producing job and recovering financially. After the financial ruin she had no choice but to save herself and move home. Discontinue accusing her of infidelity or sending nasty texts. It's not a good look.

 You broke up because the business venture caused financial ruin, not because some "stud" came along.

Step way back. Do whatever you can all day everyday to secure gainful employment. You'll have to do that whether you ever get back together or not.

Until you have gainful employment and have restored your living situation and recoverd financially, don't contact her unless she contacts you. She as well needs to focus on employment and financial recovery, not patching things up or text arguments.

Thanks, well said!!! Will do! 

[JTSW]

5 hours ago, curriousg said:

She never made the effort to see me, she would go see her friends but she would never make the effort to see me. I only seen her 4 times and each time it was because she was returning something that she had asked to use or if she needed me to go with her to do something but we never spent time together. I would ask to see her a few times and she made an excuse to not see me. 

Why should she make the effort to see you when you are not together anymore?

She doesn't owe you anything and she not obligated to make time for you.

It sounds like you were the one that caused most of the issues in the relationship.

5 hours ago, curriousg said:

she said she didn’t have to talk to me ever again which really put a hole in my heart .

She's right.

She wasn't being malicious saying this, she was just stating a true fact.

4 hours ago, curriousg said:

I started to accuse her of infidelity.

This is what probably put the nail in the coffin.

It sounds like she has mental health struggles and you really having been helping.

I'd say leave her alone now.

Let her live her life and move on.

I can't see any reunion happening here.

[curriousg]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

Why should she make the effort to see you when you are not together anymore?

She doesn't owe you anything and she not obligated to make time for you.

It sounds like you were the one that caused most of the issues in the relationship.

She's right.

She wasn't being malicious saying this, she was just stating a true fact.

This is what probably put the nail in the coffin.

It sounds like she has mental health struggles and you really having been helping.

I'd say leave her alone now.

Let her live her life and move on.

I can't see any reunion happening here.

You don’t think you’re being overly harsh? 

And what do you mean by you’re not able to see a reunion as if you’ve never made a mistake. I know what I did and didn’t do while in a relationship with her, it takes two to tango. We forgave each other months ago, she’s just going through a tough time right now. I don’t agree with anything you said.

[curriousg]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes. 

It is pretty clear that she doesn't have the same intent to reconcile. She isn't disappearing, really. She's doing what most exes do after they break up - living her life and not prioritizing her former partner anymore. And yes, she might be seeing someone else. 

Eh, but she's been silent since. She's feeding you lines that don't mean anything, given that her words don't match her actions. 

I'm sorry, OP. You're not over-thinking. You're just not quite ready yet to accept that this has come to an end. 

Did you read everything that I said? I don’t think so, I said she has a history of depression, she’s fallen back into depression and she wants to be alone, she usually does this to everyone in her life, everyone except me because we were living together, now that we aren’t I’m not an exception no more. I just wanted to get a honest opinion. In my opinion your opinion sounds bias. 

[JTSW]

25 minutes ago, curriousg said:

You don’t think you’re being overly harsh? 

And what do you mean by you’re not able to see a reunion as if you’ve never made a mistake. I know what I did and didn’t do while in a relationship with her, it takes two to tango. We forgave each other months ago, she’s just going through a tough time right now. I don’t agree with anything you said.

I'm not being harsh at all hun.

I didn't expect you to agree with anything I said.

You just want people to agree with you and reassure you.

What I said is my opinion on what I read in your post.

I think you need to step back and let her move on, not pressure her.

She is not obligated to make time for you when you are no longer together.

If she doesn't want to see you then that is her right.

You don't have a right to be upset about that.

No, I don't see any reunion between you.

You also don't have to be so rude to the commenters here who are taking their personal time to read your post and offer advice.

You seem to be getting nasty with those who disagree with you.

 

Edited March 29, 2023 by JTSW

[curriousg]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

I'm not being harsh at all hun.

I didn't expect you to agree with anything I said.

You just want people to agree with you and reassure you.

What I said is my opinion on what I read in your post.

I think you need to step back and let her move on, not pressure her.

She is not obligated to make time for you when you are no longer together.

If she doesn't want to see you then that is her right.

You don't have a right to be upset about that.

No, I don't see any reunion between you.

You also don't have to be so rude to the commenters here who are taking their personal time to read your post and offer advice.

You seem to be getting nasty with those who disagree with you.

 

I apologize if I offended you. 
I don’t want others to agree with me, I just gave my pov and  explained my situation in a brief summary, I’ve obviously left out a lot which is why I’m confused on why you would immediately say that you don’t see a reunion between me and my ex, I’m just curious on what made you say that? Again, I’m not upset I’m just curious. Especially because she’s said herself that we’ll fix things. My reasoning for writing this post is because I’m wondering why she disappeared these last 30 days, she’s never did that before. Even when she’s depressed, I just want to know if women disappear because they’re done or could it be that she truly is dealing with a lot right now like she stated. She knows I love her, she could be protecting my heart or she could be telling the truth, idk. 
 

Also, I’m not upset about her not seeing me, I’m just confused on why the sudden change, everything is different now but she’s saying otherwise as far as our future together, she always tells me that our focus should be bettering ourselves before getting back into a relationship that way we can be that properly for one another. 
 

Another thing, I’m not pressuring her into doing anything which is why I said that your comments are bias, I never said that I have voiced any of what I said in this post to her because I haven’t. I’m just simply speaking my mind on a forum nothing more. 
 

I appreciate your comment, I just rather you not be so harsh but be understanding. 
 

I’d still like to know why you said what you said?

Edited March 29, 2023 by curriousg

[JTSW]

3 minutes ago, curriousg said:

I’m confused on why you would immediately say that you don’t see a reunion between me and my ex, I’m just curious on what made you say that?

The answer to this is that you have been broken up for 6 months and she hasn't spoken to you for a month.

I honestly think she is done.

I'm not trying to be harsh hun, I apologise if I came off that way. No offence was ever intended.

 

[curriousg]

We’ve spoken three times this past month, I’m just use to use talking everyday, we use to talk all day everyday which we did the past 6 months but she said that she’s going through a lot which could be true, I did met her when she was at her lowest. 
 

Like I said in my post, we haven’t accomplished what we’ve set out to accomplish which is why we aren’t together, if we both were financially stable we’d be together right now. 
 

It just seems as though you’re just wanting me to leave her alone just because. 

[Alpacalia]

It's good to prioritize your health, happiness, and self-improvement, so focus on the goals you have set for yourself. Give her the opportunity to take the time she needs to process things on her own terms and don't pressure her into talking more than she is comfortable with.

Being falsely accused of infidelity can be a very hurtful and traumatic experience. It can be difficult to trust people after going through this experience and can lead to feelings of confusion, anger, and sadness. 

The accusations of infidelity from my ex left me feeling hurt and confused. My ex had committed the infidelity, but the ongoing allegations of me still had a significant psychological impact on me. This made me wary of future relationships, and I ended several dating prospects before they had a chance to develop.

If you are at the point where the final straw might be the thing that drives her away forever, then you need to give her the space she needs to work through the situation. Understandably you miss talking to her every day, but focus instead on the progress you have made.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

So let's get clear: did she dump you or you dump her? I'm assuming she dumped you. 

The problem seems to be that you think relationships have a lot of gray area. Well, in some cases yes but most times no.

You guys are broken up. That's not gray. I don't care how many times you talk to her or for how long, you are broken up. And she's not responding to you like you want her to respond. That's a signal--that's the way we figure out what people want: by their actions. Slow calls or no calls = low interest or no interest in further romance.

In fact, I'm confused here about the fear of "infidelity." Did your worry rise after she moved out? I'm thinking you guys were broken up at that point, in which case, she can sleep with whoever she wants to sleep with and it's not cheating. 

Look, most of us have been in situations where someone broke up with us and we maintained some contact and maintained some hope of reconciliation. Unfortunately, reconciliation like that is rare and when it happens it has to be at the initiative of the dumping partner. And that initiative will not be hard to interpret. 

But the big point is that talking after a breakup doesn't mean anything. Just means the dumper is trying to be nice and let the dumpee down easily. Or both partners are naive about how often they can talk and maintain a healthy separation. 

If and when she's interested, she will call you and insist on an in-person meeting. Until that happens, you guys are not a couple. 

 

[JTSW]

19 hours ago, curriousg said:

if we both were financially stable we’d be together right now. 

You don't know that though.

Even if that were the case, She likely won't be able to trust you again with money.

19 hours ago, curriousg said:

It just seems as though you’re just wanting me to leave her alone just because. 

No, giving her space is the respectful thing to do.

She's going through allot and hinted that she needs to be alone.

Respect that.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/29/2023 at 12:28 PM, curriousg said:

Did you read everything that I said? 

Yes. It doesn't change my opinion.

On 3/29/2023 at 12:28 PM, curriousg said:

your opinion sounds bias. 

That doesn't make sense, sorry. I doin't know you. I don't know her. I don't have a dog in this fight and I don't care if you reconcile or not. It makes not one lick of difference to me. Thus, I have no bias. However, I see you searching for confirmation bias. I gave you my honest opnion. It's on you if you are not open to hearing it. 

Edited April 3, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[basil67]

On 3/29/2023 at 3:22 PM, curriousg said:

I was in charge of the money because I’m the man ofc

Is this a joke?  😮

Gender aside, I can't begin to imagine how someone can mismanage money and lose all of it.   Did you make high risk investments?  Stick it all in Crypto or something?   If so, did you discuss the investment strategies with her?

Or did you accidentally gamble it?

[semble]

On 3/29/2023 at 12:22 AM, curriousg said:

 I was in charge of the money because I’m the man ofc, so everything we made together, she let me keep.

Fast forward, I miss managed all of the money and was left with nothing

Dude you're selling us out. if more women read this post, word's going to get out and we won't be in charge of the money anymore!

 

[JTSW]

On 3/29/2023 at 5:22 AM, curriousg said:

I was in charge of the money because I’m the man ofc

I'm so glad others began commenting on this because I wanted to say something.

This is so stereotypical and outdated.