How to Actually Lower Your Standards?

[David Jones]

Hi everyone. I was hoping someone would be able to give me some advice about a problem I have. Basically, I find it really hard to find people I'm attracted to. And when I do, they don't feel the same way. As a result I've been single for a very long time. Basically, it seems like I'm attracted to people out of my league, and I need to lower my standards. I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on *how* you can actually do that?

The big problem with the 'lower your standards' advice is that you need to be attracted to someone in order to have a romantic relationship with them. I don't see how dating people you are not attracted to is an option – you need to find someone attractive to fall in love with them. So the question I'm asking is if there is any way you can get yourself to find more people attractive? The only thing I can think of is to stop using pornography, which I think unconsciously raises your standards of physical beauty. But I've already done that, and haven't used it for a year or two.

In terms of the kind of people I find attractive, I think there are four main things: Someone being a nice person, Someone having similar values and interests, someone I find attractive physically, and something else that it's hard to put your finger on: something about their manner and their way of carrying themselves that you find attractive (maybe you can call that 'chemistry').

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[Weezy1973]

27 minutes ago, David Jones said:

So the question I'm asking is if there is any way you can get yourself to find more people attractive?

I think there is. I would first accept that initial attraction falls on a continuum. While you’d like to be incredibly attracted to and have amazing chemistry right off the hop with someone, relegating yourself to that level of attraction, as you’ve experienced, seriously limits your options. In other words I’d increase your range to include women you’re mildly attracted to initially or even kind of neutral about. By no means should you date women you find unattractive though. 
 

What you’re describing though is a common problem, especially if you’re primarily doing online dating. 

[David Jones]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 In other words I’d increase your range to include women you’re mildly attracted to initially or even kind of neutral about.

Thanks for the reply. What you're suggesting is not something I've not done before. I've always basically assumed that If I'm not particularily attracted to someone initially, something won#t grow over time. How long would you suggest dating someone to see if something more develops?

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, David Jones said:

How long would you suggest dating someone to see if something more develops?

Not long. Maybe three dates max? 

[Gaeta]

You have high standards or unrealistic expectations? If your standard comes from watching pornography then your expectations are unrealistic. Most women don't have breast implants, lip fillers, artificially enhanced behind.

Yes attraction is important but next you need to be attracted to her personality and when you'll cross a woman with an irresistable personality then all her flaws will look lovely to you. 

My advise: go on dates with women that make you laugh, make you think and make you want to know more about her. 

Edited March 29, 2023 by Gaeta

[David Jones]

31 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You have high standards or unrealistic expectations? If your standard comes from watching pornography then your expectations are unrealistic. Most women don't have breast implants, lip fillers, artificially enhanced behind.

Yes attraction is important but next you need to be attracted to her personality and when you'll cross a woman with an irresistable personality then all her flaws will look lovely to you. 

My advise: go on dates with women that make you laugh, make you think and make you want to know more about her. 

I probably shouldn't of mentioned pornography. As I said in my post, I don't use it. I only mentioned it because I thought someone might recommend giving it up as a way to lower your standards. I'm not expecting to date women with 'breast implants, lip fillers, [and an] artificially enhanced behind'. I just want to find them attractive. Not as a friend, but as a romantic partner. Finding someone attractive physically is an essential part of that. To be honest it's a really annoying aspect of  dating. It's hard enough to find people that I feel are on my wave length and have common values and interests. Trying to find someone I also find physically attractive is really difficuly. I wish I could just find someone nice that I have stuff in common with. But the unfortunate fact is that if there is not a physical attraction there as well I don't see how the relationship would be any different from a friendship, which is not what I'm looking for.

[Ami1uwant]

28 minutes ago, David Jones said:

I probably shouldn't have mentioned pornography. As I said in my post, I don't use it. I only mentioned it because I thought someone might recommend giving it up as a way to lower your standards. I'm not expecting to date women with 'breast implants, lip fillers, [and an] artificially enhanced behind'. I just want to find them attractive. Not as a friend, but as a romantic partner. Finding someone attractive physically is an essential part of that. To be honest it's a really annoying aspect of  dating. It's hard enough to find people that I feel are on my wave length and have common values and interests. Trying to find someone I also find physically attractive is really difficuly. I wish I could just find someone nice that I have stuff in common with. But the unfortunate fact is that if there is not a physical attraction there as well I don't see how the relationship would be any different from a friendship, which is not what I'm looking for.

How are you measuring attraction?

how attractive do yo think you are?

 

im a guy. Sure are they womrn I instantly think is hot. Yes.  That’s not a driver for me.  I find attraction grows as I get to know someone.  Evrn beauty come out later ehrn I might have ignore her or nothing mumped out at me when I first saw her.

[Alpacalia]

Maintain your standards when you're looking for a partner.

These standards are often unconsciously created and can be difficult to manage. If you don't find someone attractive, it's not necessarily lowering your standards to connect with them. If you're looking for more than a physical relationship, it's best to pursue someone you genuinely find attractive.

Lowering your standards doesn't mean lowering your expectations. It's being realistic and understanding that your ideal partner may not be attainable. 

Ultimately, it's about finding a balance between maintaining your standards and being open to new connections.

Remember, a standard is arbitrary and subjective and is usually subconsciously formed. There isn't much control you have over them.

I think the best advice I could give is to focus on the things you can control - your values, interests, and how you carry yourself. You can work on developing yourself so that you like yourself more, and that might help you find people who are attracted to you. Also, try to be more open-minded about the people that you meet. Just because you don't feel an immediate connection, doesn't mean that there's no potential there. Spend more time getting to know people, and you might find that you start to find more people attractive.

The issue of setting too high of standards only arises when we evaluate every potential date on a kind of numerical or fully quantitative scale before taking the plunge. 

Edited March 30, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, David Jones said:

there is not a physical attraction there as well I don't see how the relationship would be any different from a friendship, which is not what I'm looking for.

You are no different than the rest of us. Everybody wants to be strongly attracted to their partner. The good news is what you find attractive is different than what the next man finds attactive so every kind of people find their someone. 

Finding someone is hard, for everyone. You like what you like, end of it. You will find eventually. 

[Eternal Sunshine]

There is a very small portion of people that never find it. Especially if you have type of personality or interests that are non-mainstream so personality matches are very rare.

I think you will get to the point where your desire for a relationship will exceed everything else and you will start being attracted to women you weren't previously. This happens on a subconscious level. From what I have observed that's what happens to people in your situation.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, David Jones said:

 Trying to find someone I also find physically attractive is really difficuly. 

Perhaps reframe things a bit. Try to think of it as attracted or not attracted. That's all that matters. "Lowering standards" comes across as superficial and beauty-contest-like. Almost 2 dimensional.  Even if someone is pretty on paper, there may not be actual chemistry.

It actually makes no sense.  Walk around and notice couples. You'll see plenty of happy people who aren't magazine cover material. That's the key. They're attracted to each other. That's all that matters.

Is it possible you have issues with libido? If you find most women don't do much for you, it could be you need some tests done and an evaluation of your physical and mental health. If there's so little out there that floats your boat, check out why.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. Start messaging and meeting women. Start with a brief drink/coffee to assess in-person chemistry. And yes, if you had a good time and they're reasonably attractive to you, try another date.

Edited March 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[David Jones]

5 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

 Especially if you have type of personality or interests that are non-mainstream so personality matches are very rare.

Yeah that's a big issue. It's hard enough to find people to be friends with.

[Lotsgoingon]

Good you came here because you are getting some great advice.

Trust me: there are all kinds of interesting and attraction women out there. You just have to go meet them and give things a chance.  Attraction can come! Without force, by just getting turned on by someone's energy, attraction can totally arise.  You got any women friends? They could be of enormous help in helping you find people. And building these friendships would be good social skills practice for you. 

 

 

Edited March 30, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[smackie9]

If you are using OLD, you are limiting yourself because there is very little on that menu. You need to go out in the real world, and meet people that way...through events, parties, gatherings with friends/family, and through your hobbies/interests. 

[flitzanu]

this isn't necessarily "how to lower standards" but i can tell you, as a very superficial (male) that can relate to this issue...there have been times for me that a person who isn't generally someone i'd find visually attractive (as compared to others i mean) can make up for it in personality and chemistry.  

i mean, if you only date a "10" maybe try spending time with a "9" and sometimes the interactions can overshadow the superficial and you'll find yourself really into them and not paying attention to the exterior.

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, David Jones said:

And when I do, they don't feel the same way.

Addressing this aspect, you might do what you can to work on this side of the situation as well.

While (as a guy) being "handsome" is important to get your foot in the door as it were, women's sexual cues are more "psychological" in nature. You might check out the book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" - specifically the chapters on female attraction, as it's a pretty large book.

IF you are able to understand what they write about female attraction AND put it into practice, it might help with getting the women you find attractive to find you attractive back...

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's a goal for you. This is a technique that all kinds of people use to relax and yet take action towards a goal.

Instead of walking with the goal of finding someone you are madly in love with and who is madly in love with you--instead of that, how about go out in the world and just try to meet interesting people. By interesting, could be anyone who you enjoy hearing talk or like their humor or their face or anything.

Set that as a goal and you will accidentally run into people you are attracted to. You will increase your chances of finding a partner because you are lowering the anxiety. Paradoxically because you are lowering the anxiety, you can relax and it's that relaxing that will allow you to be more patient in meeting people to see what they're like and you'll be more attractive yourself. 

 

[basil67]

On 3/30/2023 at 7:12 AM, David Jones said:

In terms of the kind of people I find attractive, I think there are four main things: Someone being a nice person, Someone having similar values and interests, someone I find attractive physically, and something else that it's hard to put your finger on: something about their manner and their way of carrying themselves that you find attractive (maybe you can call that 'chemistry').

I've pretty much got this nailed, and have done since I was a teen.  Here's my breakdown:

1. Nice person.  I look at how they treat their friends, family and strangers.  Particularly strangers.  

2.  Some similar values and interests.  This doesn't have to be 100% because it's OK to do things on our own

3. Chemistry.  To me, this is the way we connect through actions and words....and the indescribable 'vibe'

4. Laughter.  He doesn't need to be a comedian, but we need to be able to crack each other up over stupid stuff.  Like a single eyebrow raise when we both get the secret joke. Or because one just said what the other is thinking. Or a comedic fart.  Or self depreciating humour. 

If all these are in place, the physical attraction will generally just drop into place.   For what it's worth, my husband is an ordinary looking bloke, but the rest just works for us.  He is never more sexy than when he makes me laugh.

Edit to add: I've not been interested dating anyone who makes big deal about my looks - because my looks won't last and then where will we be?

Edited March 31, 2023 by basil67

[justwhoiam]

On 3/30/2023 at 12:51 PM, David Jones said:

Yeah that's a big issue. It's hard enough to find people to be friends with.

what's a big issue? your personality or your interests? Can you tell something more about this so that we can understand?

[ZA Dater]

Sorry to say but what you are attempting to do is frankly impossible in my opinion. If you want A then B or C is not really going to fulfill that want, sure some people will say attraction grows over time, sure this can happen I suppose but if you do not find the person particularly physically attractive then this will never grow, unless you feel this can be replaced by personality again I'd contend that this is pretty rare unless there are some other tangible variables which are deemed attractive.

What you can do is try be positive about your prospects and be the best version of yourself. You could also look why you are not having any success with the people are attracted to. Frankly I think you need to think about the flip side of this coin, that being dating someone you are dating simply because well they are attracted to you. How happy would you be each day knowing that ultimately you do not feel that attracted?

Nice person, well you can try this to but my experience is nice people tend to get friendzone very quickly. Perhaps elaborate as to why you are not able to date people you do find attractive and what type of people are they?

Again I think the other option here is to flip this around and try determine what the people you find attractive actually want.

I think looking around at other couples is one of the WORST things you can do because there is no feel good about that simply a likely feeling of "he has what I want" and that is not a good feeling to have.

Above all please remain positive and do not let this consume you.

[Weezy1973]

I’d also add that “lowering your standards” when done successfully is actually more about raising your standards in areas that matter - like having compatible core values with a partner - and not worrying as much about superficial traits like looks, education level or money / career success. 

[NuevoYorko]

I don't even connect with the idea of "lowering" standards.  For me it's more like expanding horizons.  Granted, I don't think in a generally linear way and often get frustrated with the ease with which most people on boards like this seem to be able to rate humans on a scale of  1-10 and think of other people as something they want, and then get bent out of shape that they can't acquire this like they can get a new iPhone, as long as they have the money.  

It's okay for shopping.  For people - try looking at a bigger picture. 

[livingalife2009]

I am highly selective like you. I thought my date has to be as cute as me and has similar size pocket like mine. LOL

I went on dates with 4 men so far. 2 of them had such weird personality I couldn't stand them. One of them was extremely rude and another was as cold as a serial killer. 

One of them was good looking but he smoked so that didn't work either. 

The 4th guy was not physically attractive at all but was highly educated, very thoughtful and had a pleasant personality. I dated him and even fell in love, although it didn't last I had fun feeling the love for him. lol

My point is, if a person has something you like go meet her, spend sometimes with her. You may fall in love with her laugh, personality and her kindness.

[LuckyM]

You are like me and I am very alone. Everyone is different in that some don't value looks as highly as you and me. I know  men who married unattractive wives.  Some lower their standards after a certain age like 40 to 50 and some never do! Same with ladies. They'd rather have no one than féel  they are settling for less

But guys need sexual attraction in order to perform in bed so an unattractive mate won't do. You sound out of your league. 

Yet many  ladies don't realize they are so desirable and you can seek them out as friends with benefits

 

Good luck

[NuevoYorko]

I am pretty confident that if you approach looking for a meaningful relationship through the lens of "lowering" your standards, you will end up in a dismal place.  

Being settled for is not any more fulfilling than being the one who settled.

People who are thinking like this need a major perspective  & value adjustment, IMO.   

Being capable of understanding and cherishing human qualities beyond getting a high numeric score on a simple linear scale of 1-10 is elevated, not "lowering."