I tried to make a point, but he ended up ignoring me instead. What do I do?

[DeeBee]

I met a guy online about a year ago. We got along extremely well. Basically couldn't slow down the trajectory of our "relationship" even though I tried and very strong words of affection were used very early on.

As time went by frustration about me not being able to visit or meet up seemingly caused a 360 in the way he treated me.

For the first three to four months, he wanted to know everything about me; Asked me how I was doing, listened to me rant, etc etc. Which was really nice. I listened to him and he listened to me. We connected and as you know, that is very hard to do in this culture that moves on so quickly.

But like I said, as time went on and I wasn't able to visit as soon as he or I hoped, he started treating me differently. Like because he gave up on the hope of us meeting, he stopped listening when I talked. When I would express how I felt about something he said that hurt my feelings, he seemingly did not care and would not open my messages until the next day, then respond with a new topic, completely ignoring what I said and acting like nothing happened.

He's done this multiple times now and this last time, I decided to ignore him in the hopes that he would get my point. But he did what he usually does, which is act like I'm the problem because I'm upset.

I left his message unopened on Snapchat for a few days, then recently I noticed he unfriended me. I don't want to give in like I usually do and try to reconcile with him and basically apologize just because I miss him; I don't want to do that to myself. I know I deserve better than the way he's responded to me. The thing about me is that I can take a hint if someone is clearly showing me that they don't want to talk to me anymore.

What confuses me about him and his behavior toward me recently is like; he ignores me when I express how I'm feeling, but still wants to talk to me about other stuff. It's like he want to talk to me still, just not romantically anymore (which I think is because he's given up on us meeting because it's been so long).

And he works so he is busy and he only messages me every few days, says something random, then disappears again. It's unfair to me because I'm busy too and I have some heavy stuff going on with my family, so I feel like it's selfish to say that because you're busy you can't talk to me that much. So am I, but I want to take time to talk to him because I miss talking with him.

I can tell the romantic feelings are almost, if not pretty much gone. But why keep messaging me if you're just going to act like you don't care. But he still messages me, so I just don't understand.

I want to ask him why he unfriended me on Snap. And I want to get him to understand when he hurts my feelings. But this is where we're at more recently:Like I mentioned earlier in the post, it was another situation where he moved past when I was saying how I felt, so I decided not to open or respond to his message, and in turn a few days later, he unfriends me on Snapchat.

I honestly think it's his way of "punishing" me because he can be petty like that. How do I confront him about unfriending me and why?

And to clarify: We've talked on the phone, texted and video chatted many times. So our primary source of communication is not just Snap. 

Thank you to anyone/everyone in advance for their input, insight and/or advice. 

Edited March 30, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ShyViolet]

My only question is why are YOU wasting your time with this?  

2 hours ago, DeeBee said:

I honestly think it's his way of "punishing" me because he can be petty like that. How do I confront him about unfriending me and why?

Why are you putting so much energy into trying to analyze the behavior of a guy who can act this immature?  Honestly who cares why he has done the things that he did?  The point is that you should have higher standards for yourself than this.  Don't waste any more time on this guy.  And in the future, this is not a relationship.  Meet someone local who you can actually spend time with in person.

[Alpacalia]

It has been 3-4 months since you first tried to meet him. It is understandable that he has since moved on, but why didn't either of you try to meet?

It's time to move on and take care of yourself. Focus on setting healthy boundaries, especially when it comes to communication. It looks like he was not willing to listen to you, so it's best that things ended the way they did.

[basil67]

My quick answer is that you don't confront him about unfriending you.  It's clear that the friendship/relationship is no longer meeting either of your needs, so just leave him gone.

To break it down further, there are a few issues happening.

1. Inability to meet each other.  What's happening to stop you meeting?  And if I'm right, it seems that you're the one who's expected to travel.  If he was so keen to meet, why didn't he come to you?   That said, many find a relationship isn't sustainable if they aren't meeting face to face, so it makes sense that he's distanced himself in the romantic sense.

2. When he doesn't comment when you share your frustrations, my guess is that while he was initially supportive, he got worn down and started to feel overwhelmed by the amount of issues/complaints you're sharing.  And instead of telling you nicely that it's too much, he's stopped responding and hoped you'd get the hint.  While it's great to have a partner or buddy who will listen to us, sometimes it can get to be too much, too often.  It sounds like things are really, really tough for you so perhaps a therapist or counsellor would be a good place to unload without worrying if it's too much.

3. Him blocking you was a culmination of #2 with the ignoring by you being the trigger. He was tired of the complaining and hoped that if he ignored it, you'd get the message.  You "taught him a lesson" by not responding, so he blocked you.   In short, it was poor communication all around.

 

[DeeBee]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

My quick answer is that you don't confront him about unfriending you.  It's clear that the friendship/relationship is no longer meeting either of your needs, so just leave him gone.

To break it down further, there are a few issues happening.

1. Inability to meet each other.  What's happening to stop you meeting?  And if I'm right, it seems that you're the one who's expected to travel.  If he was so keen to meet, why didn't he come to you?   That said, many find a relationship isn't sustainable if they aren't meeting face to face, so it makes sense that he's distanced himself in the romantic sense.

-  Like I mentioned I have some things going on with my family and I am a big helper to my mom right now, as well as being financially limited, I am not able to just drop everything and go see him. And I agree why he may not want to continue romantically because of the fact that we can't meet. 

2. When he doesn't comment when you share your frustrations, my guess is that while he was initially supportive, he got worn down and started to feel overwhelmed by the amount of issues/complaints you're sharing.  And instead of telling you nicely that it's too much, he's stopped responding and hoped you'd get the hint.  While it's great to have a partner or buddy who will listen to us, sometimes it can get to be too much, too often.  It sounds like things are really, really tough for you so perhaps a therapist or counsellor would be a good place to unload without worrying if it's too much.

- I am not someone who likes to share my personal problems, I generally keep those things to myself. I have only shared a handful of times, at his prompting. When I say, talk about how I feel and him ignoring it, it is in reference to when he says something insensitive (usually at a topic that he brought up) and I try to explain how it made me feel. But I am not just constantly whining and complaining about my personal issues all the time. 

3. Him blocking you was a culmination of #2 with the ignoring by you being the trigger. He was tired of the complaining and hoped that if he ignored it, you'd get the message.  You "taught him a lesson" by not responding, so he blocked you.   In short, it was poor communication all around.

-You could probably refer to number two for a similar answer. 

I guess it's the girl in me that just wants to have a conversation for closure purposes. To leave things with randomly being unfriended and nothing else doesn't sit right with me. I guess a part of me is hurt knowing that if I don't say anything first, he most likely won't message at all and that's hurtful considering the effort we both put into the "relationship". But I may just have to grasp the fact that that's where it may end. 

 

 

[DeeBee]

37 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It has been 3-4 months since you first tried to meet him. It is understandable that he has since moved on, but why didn't either of you try to meet?

It's time to move on and take care of yourself. Focus on setting healthy boundaries, especially when it comes to communication. It looks like he was not willing to listen to you, so it's best that things ended the way they did.

I am financially limited and am not able to go see him, as well as having obligations at home and helping my mom.

But I definitely hear what you're saying. And it sadly may be true.

[basil67]

Thanks for clarifying.  As you have limited funds and availability, he should have come to you.  And it’s unfortunate that he didn’t acknowledge when he hurt you.  Though the fact he was hurtful in the first place is another good reason to leave him gone. 
I suggest you also block him on your end. Even if he does come back and you want to have a conversation, his track record shows that he won’t engage, so don’t leave the door open even a crack

[DeeBee]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

"his track record shows that he won’t engage, so don’t leave the door open even a crack"

You're more than right. I admittedly sent a message on Snap before posting here.  But I went back and erased it. So he may still get the notification that I sent a message, but he won't know what it said. I'm sick of feeling the need to reconcile because I don't want to lose him, and I'm even more sick of feeling embarrassed when I do decide to say something and he doesn't respond. It's on him now. If he wants to say something first, he can, and if not, then that will be that. 

I know I'll feel regret about it, but I'm gonna stay strong. He's showing me how he feels and I need to believe it.

Thank you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, DeeBee said:

How do I confront him about unfriending me and why?

Why bother? This is complete waste of your time. He has lost interest anyway, and he's just a chat buddy now. 

33 minutes ago, DeeBee said:

I don't want to lose him

You don't have him to begin with. You're hanging on to some sweet words said at the beginning, but they no longer matter. You haven't been able to meet after a year of chatting, so you need to realize that you two owe each other nothing. He is free to date whomever he wants, as are you. As such, it is way past time to let go of this. I would stop all contact and focus on finding a local guy you can have a real relationship with. 

[NuevoYorko]

I hope in the future you'll avoid any scenario like this entirely.

People developing romantic feelings for someone they have never met is very unlikely to lead anywhere good.   It's a false intimacy that's created.   

If you know you really can't meet, or that the reality of your lives will prevent you actually getting together, dating, and coming to know each other well in real life, I suggest you just cut it off early.  

This one is toast and I agree with those who've said you should block him.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, DeeBee said:

I am financially limited and am not able to go see him, as well as having obligations at home and helping my mom.

But I definitely hear what you're saying. And it sadly may be true.

Yes.

I agree with Basil. That he could have made an effort to come see you too. There's a man in my Yoga class and he travels 5 hours one way every week to see his girlfriend.

Try to become more self-sufficient financially so you don't end up in a vulnerable position that may limit your choices and opportunities.

 

[DeeBee]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why bother? This is complete waste of your time. He has lost interest anyway, and he's just a chat buddy now. 

You don't have him to begin with. You're hanging on to some sweet words said at the beginning, but they no longer matter. You haven't been able to meet after a year of chatting, so you need to realize that you two owe each other nothing. He is free to date whomever he wants, as are you. As such, it is way past time to let go of this. I would stop all contact and focus on finding a local guy you can have a real relationship with. 

I am perfectly aware of the situation. I know he was never mine and he has always been free to date other people, although he specifically chose not to. Just like you said, we are chat buddies now and I would gladly keep him as just friend. I miss his conversation over anything romantic. But it is becoming clear to me to stop chasing answers out of him; especially if I feel like I have to beg for them. 

Edited March 30, 2023 by DeeBee

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, DeeBee said:

I am financially limited and am not able to go see him, as well as having obligations at home and helping my mom.

But I definitely hear what you're saying. And it sadly may be true.

Sorry this is happening. It seems you you could use help with being a caregiver. Even just someone to talk to. 

While it's nice to have an outlet, you may want to look into local and practical support as far as finances and family burdens.

Keep in mind that dating apps are to see who's out there to meet in person.  While some chitchat before meeting is fine, unfortunately you were looking for a cyber buddy to vent to. 

You can resolve some issues by separating your need for support and friends from trying to date. 

[DeeBee]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I hope in the future you'll avoid any scenario like this entirely.

People developing romantic feelings for someone they have never met is very unlikely to lead anywhere good.   It's a false intimacy that's created.   

If you know you really can't meet, or that the reality of your lives will prevent you actually getting together, dating, and coming to know each other well in real life, I suggest you just cut it off early.  

This one is toast and I agree with those who've said you should block him.

I am no longer looking to get any answers from him. If he decided to say something first himself, I would take the time to listen. Other than that, I probably won't be reaching out. It has only been two weeks since we've talked; and while that is a bit of time, after a year of friendship; in which we shared a lot, I don't feel it's right to just block him. And yes, I know he unfriended me, but it's not like he's blocked me or my number and erased me from all social media; so I know he's still around, which is why I want to leave that door open, I just won't be reaching out first anymore. After a while I may do so, but for now, no.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, DeeBee said:

I would gladly keep him as just friend

This is futile when it's clear he isn't really interested in maintaining a friendship. 

There is no point keeping in touch anymore. It's also highly unlikely that he hasn't been involved with any other women since he met you, despite what he's told you. The chances of that are just about zero. 

[DeeBee]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is futile when it's clear he isn't really interested in maintaining a friendship. 

There is no point keeping in touch anymore. It's also highly unlikely that he hasn't been involved with any other women since he met you, despite what he's told you. The chances of that are just about zero. 

Right. I do believe in the beginning that was the truth, but after he said he went on a date "for his friends", I was sure that wasn't the only one. But that's okay. I'm not crying my eyes out over it. And I think my post made me seem more upset about it than I actually am. I just detest when I feel like I am not getting the respect I feel I show others and it makes me want to over analyze and find solutions even if the other person is clearly not showing interest in doing so. But it is something I am learning to let go of with the guidance of very smart individuals like yourself who can see more clearly than I can.

[JTSW]

I completely understand why you couldn't travel.

I too am a caregiver for my mother so I know how hard and time consuming that can be.

But you've never answered why he couldn't travel to you.

It seems he was expecting you to make all the effort.

What was stopping him traveling to you?

He sounds selfish and I don't believe he hasn't dated anyone else in the year you have been talking.

Please don't get involved with this man again.

[BaileyB]

This is a huge waste of your time at this point. He doesn’t want to talk with you anymore, he’s made that very clear. It’s time to move on…

I too read your post and thought - why is the onus on you to travel, why doesn’t he come to you? The first time that he blamed and guilted me about not travelling - I would have walked away. 

You became way too involved with a man that you have never met in person. It’s very clear that he was not interested in a long distance/virtual relationship - so he has moved on. It’s time for you to do the same. I’m sorry. 

Edited March 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

No, he is taking the correct action to avoid getting entangled in something he believes is not good for him. Of course you were hurt but for a relationship to work, it must be two solid yes answers. You couldn't meet him (for reasons that are completely understandable) and from what you shared he didn't take active steps on his end to meet you in person either.

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, DeeBee said:

I just detest when I feel like I am not getting the respect I feel I show others

Most people share that feeling. 

The key is to recognize when you're beating a dead horse, and walk away. This isn't a connection worth saving anymore. 

[stillafool]

What was his reason for not coming to see you?

[DeeBee]

On 3/31/2023 at 5:03 AM, stillafool said:

What was his reason for not coming to see you?

I mentioned once that I always wanted to visit where he lived and I guess from then for some reason it was assumed that I would be the visiting. He did mention briefly, what if I came to see you kind of thing, and I said I would be happy, but that's pretty much where it ended as far as talk of him visiting me.

[Alpacalia]

He cannot read your mind, so it is up to you to express what you want and need.

If he brings up meeting but won't make specific plans, it's likely he's not serious about actually getting together.

I'd just say "I've truly enjoyed our conversations, however, I am looking for someone who is willing to take the initiative and make plans to meet."

Instead of winding down you put yourself in a no-where-to-go situation over the course of a year.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, DeeBee said:

 that's pretty much where it ended as far as talk of him visiting me.

Unfortunately people who can't or won't meet are red flags. They could be scammers catfish, in a relationship or otherwise hiding something.  

It may be best to manage your caregiver role and finances. This would offer more relief than finding a cyberpal as an outlet. Look into caregiver respite support, examine what community and other options there are for your situation. Search for home care options. 

Delete and block him since it's not going anywhere. Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Since you feel trapped at home, this nonviable situation may have seemed like a solution to loneliness.

However. Once you manage your caregiver role and have some time to yourself, you can get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local real-life available men.