Things I have learnt about searching.

[ZA Dater]

I think I may have been totally wrong as to how I approached searching in general, for me it was about sitting with dating apps, struggling to understand why nobody I liked was matching with me, going on dates with many people I did not find attractive/interesting and generally feeling badly about myself while everyone around me found great partners, got married, had kids and generally seemed to find what I'd call relationship happiness.

Searching and related anxiety just made everything seem impossible and to me it always seemed like I needed to simply just compromise on everything and what would I actually land up with, in short I landed up with OLD and frankly there was nothing good about it.

Often I read about people getting so down about OLD and sure it works for most but for some it does, I have given up on OLD and it feels pretty good to type that. 

I started on OLD at age 23, and 15 years later its delivered nothing of consequence.

The other thing I learnt recently is to value myself more, I know what I want and there is no shame in that, no shame in not bending over backwards to compromise for the sake of hoping someone may find me attractive. Ultimately I found a degree of peace just going back to what I should have done all along and focus on what I actually want irrespective whether it is actually attainable or not. I just have to recognize there is a 99.9% chance I will never actually be able to get what I want but the comfort I take is that there are people out there I do find attractive. 

My advice to anyone searching is to decide what you actually want instead of trying to fool yourself that something else will do. We are all different but the work I have done in the past few weeks has been on me to make myself feel better about being me, irrespective of what other people think of me and I feel substantially better overall. Yes, I think we all want to be wanted, its a pretty basic human need but its not everything. I can tell you someone amazing will add substantially to your life but you need to feel good about yourself first.

Yes I am back to my aspirational dating again because it makes me feel good and sure I suppose if I compromised on everything I could find someone but that is pointless, being lonely is never good but again the fact  life can change so dramatically so quickly is there really much point planning days ahead never mind years? 

If I am going to try dating again it would only be with someone who ticks all the boxes. Thanks to everyone who contributed so much and tried to make me feel better when I myself could not see the answer to a lot of things. I have been extremely fortunate with some interactions I have had and its only been these past few weeks where I have been able to put 15 years of searching into perspective.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

 focus on what I actually want irrespective whether it is actually attainable or not

I have a different take on this. Chronically longing for what's out of reach, seems to me like a recipe for chronic despair and frustration.  The differential between what you have and what you want out of life is often a cause of unhappiness. When you approximate the two and become happy with what you are and what's in reach, a lot of angst and frustration resolves. 

[ZA Dater]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I have a different take on this. Chronically longing for what's out of reach, seems to me like a recipe for chronic despair and frustration.  The differential between what you have and what you want out of life is often a cause of unhappiness. When you approximate the two and become happy with what you are and what's in reach, a lot of angst and frustration resolves. 

What's in reach as defined by OLD I simply do not want. For me it's just about living each day and making the best of it and focusing on what I want. I was far from happy bending over backwards on dating sites, going on dates I should not have gone on.

[Weezy1973]

Did you meet your ex on an OLD site? Was she what you wanted? Or did she not measure up?

[ZA Dater]

20 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Did you meet your ex on an OLD site? Was she what you wanted? Or did she not measure up?

She is an ex so that is more a reflection of me than of her. I would hardly say one relationship in 15 years of OLD on multiple platforms is a great ROI.

I am now set on what I want and actually feel all the better for it, sure, I'd love to have her back but that wont ever happen and I will regret that ever single day I am fortunate enough to wake up.

Ultimately I am fortunate, I can have an idea what I want, sure I might never get it but the idea is what makes me feel alright. Its far preferable to once again back to OLD to be confronted with the same old rejection from the outset. I maintain OLD is the singular best way to be robbed of confidence and a sense of self worth. I have learnt I wont match with the tall brunette on OLD so why bother with OLD to get matched with the opposite of what I actually want.

Heck I'll even settle for variations of it. No day is assured so if the best I can get is a coffee rather than a kiss, well I'll take that. If the best I can get is a conversation rather than dinner, sure that is alright too. A lot has happened around me that has made me realise how important each day is. I met someone really great years ago, she did a lot for me and in some respects is my ideal person, she is leagues above me but again its a nice idea. 

I'd rather think about nice ideas than pretty awful realities.

[mark clemson]

Not sure if this will resonate with you, but one thing to keep in mind if/when you encounter someone is this quote from A Billion Wicked Thoughts:  "Women want an alpha male who learns to be nice to them."

Men have this tendency to remember the first half of that and forget all about the 2nd part.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Not sure if this will resonate with you, but one thing to keep in mind if/when you encounter someone is this quote from A Billion Wicked Thoughts:  "Women want an alpha male who learns to be nice to them."

Men have this tendency to remember the first half of that and forget all about the 2nd part.

I have spent most of my dating life attempting to compete with Alpha Chads and its has got me nowhere. The lesson I would have told my younger self would have been to not even bother and would have saved myself many hours of feeling terrible about myself and feeling lost. Frankly I do not want to sound bitter but it would seem the second part is irrelevant to many women. Before I canned OLD I did match with someone nice and got unmatched 30 min later for no reason at all. Again these aspects of OLD simply sap confidence.

A large part of me used to believe that being a thoughtful caring person would actually make me sort of attractive, the good thing is I can use those qualities in every aspect of life everyday to try and improve those around me. Someone asked me last week what makes me happy and I could not answer that barring the fact I am happy if I can improve something for someone else.

So many people struggle with searching, really its not unique but I wonder if technology does more harm that good. Having said that though, I'd never find anyone in a normal way, as I type this its Sat evening and I am sitting at home.  To win at this one needs some degree of outgoing personality and what one absolutely needs is a circle of friends because it would seem short of OLD that is the only way to meet people.

To those who like me spent years on what was ultimately a waste of time, you can channel those emotions elsewhere in life. What has been hard for me is growing up I always envisaged this family life, wife, kids, family holidays, a sense of togetherness and its incredibly hard to write all of that off. Then again I know people who have all of that and are totally miserable. 

Dating and searching I think call for absolute control of ones emotions and the ability to shrug of rejection after rejection after rejection, which is mentally difficult, anyone who says otherwise is simply deluding themselves.

This forum is an amazing support structure because when I am feeling bad I can read a post and not feel as bad. My other piece of advice to people is to avoid what I call contrived dates UNLESS you can can see them as such, I have done some really stupid things in hindsight but all made me feel good at the time and almost always they benefited others far more than me.

What keeps me going is simply hope, however misguided it may be and the fact that I need to try make each day count for something. I may never ever sleep with someone really beautiful but I may have coffee with someone I think is a beautiful person overall. Again for those searching see some degree of positive somewhere, else the entire process just becomes hugely negative.

I go to sleep each night knowing I am a good person and if nothing else that is a small degree of comfort, even if its Chad who ultimately wins most of the time, at least in the world I live in.

[Weezy1973]

@ZA Dater This is yet another thread you’ve started where you claim to have come to an epiphany of some sort, where in actuality you’ve just decided not to do anything differently. No pushing outside your comfort zone. And certainly still avoiding therapy like the plague. 
 

And because you’ve decided just to do the same things you’ve always done, you’re going to get the same results. Which you’re incredibly unhappy with. And the cycle continues…

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA Dater This is yet another thread you’ve started where you claim to have come to an epiphany of some sort, where in actuality you’ve just decided not to do anything differently. No pushing outside your comfort zone. And certainly still avoiding therapy like the plague. 
 

And because you’ve decided just to do the same things you’ve always done, you’re going to get the same results. Which you’re incredibly unhappy with. And the cycle continues…

Actually I am very happy to walk away from OLD and everything about it.  A massive weight has been lifted from my shoulder and instead of chasing dating I can just be me without bothering to impress anyone else in the hope they find me attractive. Frankly if I knew how poorly OLD would make me feel after an extended time I would never have done it to begin with.

Therapy wont get me a date, it wont get me laid, it wont get me someone to have dinner with, it wont get me someone to share life with. If I have to walk through life on my own then so be it. My next piece of advice to people is to never bend over backward to try attain the approval of someone else, for the most part its simply not worth it. Be the person you are, if they do not accept that then so be it. I absolutely know there are exceptional people in this world, there are people who overall captivate me because of the people they are, they radiate warmth, compassion, intelligence and five minutes with someone I find amazing is far better than 5 days with someone I need to bend over backward to compromise for. How often are people told this "well you know its more than just physical attraction" sure there is but frankly if physical attraction is important to someone then yes it is important, you cannot just simply dismiss what people want because it becomes inconvenient. Likewise for me its important that someone is well spoken, frankly I do not care if she is stunning, if she speaks badly I am not even remotely interested.

Again it seems when searching its easy to compromise, a little at first, then more and more and more until eventually you ask yourself is this what you actually want.

You know what I am actually far happier with an ideal in mind mind than bending over backwards and compromising for no purpose at all. I acknowledge the results will never change for me because I have done enough introspection to know I have nothing to offer the sort of people I find attractive. It is what it is. Either I can be bitter about it or I can simply just be me and be alright with being me.  

My few months of dating will confirm that it CAN be very good if you find the right person but I maintain unless there is some degree of glue to keep everything together the entire process is a waste of time. Yes I am 100% responsible for the way it ended and I will punish myself for as many days as I am granted on this planet because I will never find that again, I know that. Which brings me to this, if you search and by some luck find what you are looking for its important to recognise that and never take that situation for granted. 

I still maintain OLD is for the most part rubbish, one of the last things I tried on Tinder before I deleted it was to try and find a so called "casual relationship" and if nothing else this once again proved my theory correct, my level of attractiveness is very low. Unfortunately I am just ugly, there is no way of getting past that. 

Either search in ones apparent apparent "league" or do not bother because its next to impossible to search in any other "league". 

For me its been good to get back to being me instead of trying to be "appealing", frankly I cant be bothered. I will lament not being the right league though. Such is life, I am more fortunate than many, does not mean I cant window shop. 

[semble]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I still maintain OLD is for the most part rubbish

For you maybe. This newest thread of yours blames OLD and it's apparent limitations for all your problems. OLD is just one of many ways to meet people. It's like getting fired and blaming the telephone for being suddenly unemployed.

I've had great success with OLD, met many great women including a 10 year relationship that ended last year and currently with a woman now for 9 months, we met on Hinge.

It's not about how you make a first contact with women, it's about what you do after you meet them what matters.

 

[ZA Dater]

Just now, semble said:

For you maybe. This newest thread of yours blames OLD and it's apparent limitations for all your problems. OLD is just one of many ways to meet people. It's like getting fired and blaming the telephone for being suddenly unemployed.

I've had great success with OLD, met many great women including a 10 year relationship that ended last year and currently with a woman now for 9 months, we met on Hinge.

It's not about how you make a first contact with women, it's about what you do after you meet them what matters.

 

I am glad OLD managed to connect you with people you find attractive. It never did for me hence my opinion of it.

 

[semble]

15 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I am glad OLD managed to connect you with people you find attractive. It never did for me hence my opinion of it.

 

Your opinion shifts blame and lacks self accountability.

[mark clemson]

On 4/1/2023 at 11:55 AM, ZA Dater said:

I have spent most of my dating life attempting to compete with Alpha Chads and its has got me nowhere.

Well, if you're going to not compete and just be yourself and try to be content as you, that's probably a positive step.

[Wiseman2]

On 4/1/2023 at 2:55 PM, ZA Dater said:

I have spent most of my dating life attempting to compete with Alpha Chads 

If you enjoy reading there's a book you may be interested in:  "Steven Hassan’s book: Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs provides the knowledge and awareness needed to help yourself and loved ones avoid or escape from dangerous people"

It may help you get away from manoshere hate groups and incels programing. Step away from the focus on dating for a while. Focus on freeing yourself from frustrating trains of thought. 

Edited April 3, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Well, if you're going to not compete and just be yourself and try to be content as you, that's probably a positive step.

Exactly this, I cant be bothered to even try competing. I'll stay in my lane so to speak.  The point being is I maintain for some the process of searching has very little positive about it. If I change the way I think and the way I approach I can maybe free myself of some of the negative impact that 18 odd years of searching has had.

[ZA Dater]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you enjoy reading there's a book you may be interested in:  "Steven Hassan’s book: Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs provides the knowledge and awareness needed to help yourself and loved ones avoid or escape from dangerous people"

It may help you get away from manoshere hate groups and incels programing. Step away from the focus on dating for a while. Focus on freeing yourself from frustrating trains of thought. 

No hate on my part, it is what it is, some are biologically more lucky than others, that is a given. I think the difference is either one is happy to search within those inherent limitations or one is not. I for one am not happy to do that and my advice would be that nobody should be happy with that but I accept I am wrong in that sense because lots of people do exactly that.

You are right, over the last while I have been able to remove a lot of clutter and I see things more clearly than ever before. I decided to go out and see what goes on, I seldom normally go out and there was no surprise with what I saw. Again searching seems to be about accepting limitations and working with them, assuming you can find some degree of contentment within those limitations.

The opportunity I have is to just embrace who I am. 

I understand that everyone's opinion differs but to me its been hugely negative to spend so long on dating apps and face so much rejection over and over again. I'd say if people want to use apps then use them for 6 months max. I think its fair to say the matches you get pretty much define your attraction because irrespective what bio you have its always the picture which is going to matter.

[ZA Dater]

I think what we search for evolves over time and to be frank choice does not improve over time as people get married, kids, divorced so you need to realize the choice will be different at different life stages again unless you have attributes which give you more choice. 

From the outset the mistake I made was to think everyone is competing from the same starting point which is pretty stupid, this goes all the way back to my first crush, someone who flat out rejected me in front of  a lot of people and yes I was laughed at. Each time I have had some mistaken belief that what I am is actually a decent enough guy but the reality is I never really measure up to what people actually want.

Maybe the way to search is to search with the view of ONS and flings. Maybe for someone starting out at 20 that is actually better than taking the "I can put off looking for a few years and then try to find someone long term". 

Really my biggest piece of advice is to try make something of it, in other words do not do what I did and land up looking back at wasted years with nothing to show for it, either in memories or experience. Singularly this is the biggest regret I have to live with.

Would I  have had any dates without dating apps, the answer is absolutely not so as much as I hate them I had to use to them to try make up for the circle of friends I never had and still do not have. 

 

[Lisa]

Incel content removed.  Thread closed as it's now rehashing much which has been discussed in the past