No Chemistry First Dates

[Shaoli1]

To put it easily, I am a 29 year old male. I've gone out on countless dates to the point where I'm kind of getting sick of it. These are both ONLINE and IN PERSON meetings. 

Why is it that every girl I go out with, one of two things happen.
Either they really like me and I don't like them, or I really like them and they dont like me. There is never a mutual feeling between anyone at all. If I like them a lot I can leave the date assured that they won't like me at this point and it's pretty sad.

They ALL across the board say the SAME exact thing somehow. I have like 15 different text messages all the same thing
"I had such a great time, i feel comfortable around you, we can talk and spend hours together, similar interests, and you're good looking but there's no sexual chemistry"

Why is this the only line I ever get from anyone that I'm actually into? It's literally driving me crazy.
They all are okay with being friends, they even ask me "hey I don't feel any chemistry I haven't developed anything for you but if you want to stay friends I'm down" why is that all anyone ever wants but yet you give me your phone number in the first place, go out with me, and usually make out with me at the end of it.

Do people usually know after a first date right away? I almost feel like they need to give it more than 1 date, does anyone do that?

[stillafool]

Yes women pretty much know within the first 20 minutes if they will want to have sex with you or not.  Otherwise if you're a great guy we will want to stay friends.  What do you tell the women you go out with but don't feel chemistry with?

Some people will say that you may be dating out of your league.  A lot of really good looking women go for the bad boy type.  Maybe you need to spend more time getting to know them and vice versa before you make the investment of taking them out.

[Shaoli1]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes women pretty much know within the first 20 minutes if they will want to have sex with you or not.  Otherwise if you're a great guy we will want to stay friends.  What do you tell the women you go out with but don't feel chemistry with?

Some people will say that you may be dating out of your league.  A lot of really good looking women go for the bad boy type.  Maybe you need to spend more time getting to know them and vice versa before you make the investment of taking them out.

How is it dating out of my league when they clearly see me, we meet at a club or a bar or something or through friends even. They know what I look like, what I sound like, my personality, all of that. They give me their number and agree to go out on a date. If I'm dating out of my league wouldn't they be saying no to all of that in the first place? That's where im so confused.

 

The people that don't like me just use the word "chemistry" and that's it. When someone that likes me and I don't like them, I'll actually go out with them a second or third time just to make sure and see if theres anything there, then we eventually just stop talking it's not even a ghost they just get the hint and move on.

 

The people I like don't say why they don't like me, they just say there's no romantic or sexual chemistry. So I ask them what happened or what did I do, and they said I did nothing wrong. So what am I supposed to do how can I change anything? Why is it that there's sexual and romantic chemistry only with people that I don't like when I'm always doing the same thing?

 

I still don't get the whole "bad boy type" thing like what am i supposed to like degrade them or something? Then they'll just call me rude. I talk to them for weeks before we actually go out so we get to know eachother well before we go out usually

Edited March 30, 2023 by Shaoli1

[Wiseman2]

Why is "sexual chemistry" coming up on the first date?

[stillafool]

Well if they see you in person and give their number they obviously find you attractive.  After spending time with you they still might think you're handsome but they aren't feeling sexually attracted.  It's the same feeling you are getting from the women you go out with 2 or 3 times and don't feel sexually attracted to.  It's just that women know sooner that they aren't going to be attracted so they don't want to waste your time.  Plus going out with a guy 2 to 3 times, kissing is going to come up and they know they aren't feelin it so they don't want to lead you on.

Edited March 30, 2023 by stillafool

[Shaoli1]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why is "sexual chemistry" coming up on the first date?

That's what she said to me like her words exactly were "we have a lot of similar interests, I feel I can talk to you all night, i feel very comfortable around you, but I dont feel any sexual chemistry" and I don't even know what that means

[Shaoli1]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well if they see you in person and give their number they obviously find you attractive.  After spending time with you they still might think you're handsome but they aren't feeling sexually attracted.  It's the same feeling you are getting from the women you go out with 2 or 3 times and don't feel sexually attracted to.  It's just that women know sooner that they aren't going to be attracted so they don't want to waste your time.  Plus going out with a guy 2 to 3 times, kissing is going to come up and they know they aren't feelin it so they don't want to lead you on.

Exactly so what is sexually attracted and what does that even mean? I can tell you if I find a girl attractive, then that's it I'm sexually attracted to her lol like what else is there.

The girls that I'm not into are for actual reasons though. Concrete reasons. They have no hobbies or interests in general, their lives consist of watching Netflix and playing with their dog and nothing else, no substance, are boring. Others no future, they dont work, they dont go to school, nothing. And some they talk non stop and I can't get a single word in.

 

It's totally different why I turn down a girl and why a girl turns me down. Mine I have actual REAL reasons. Their reasoning is there's no Chemistry which wouldn't make sense when they're telling me in text how much we have in common, how much they like talking to me, etc

[mark clemson]

A date is a "tryout".  They are saying they're not attracted to you because they aren't.

Being handsome (for a guy) is often a "first hurdle" - it gets your foot in the door. You are passing that hurdle. And that shows with you getting all these dates.

A "second hurdle" is your conversational and/or social skills. It sounds like these women are not liking your personality overmuch. So, they are "not attracted" as they are saying.

Without knowing you or observing a date, it's very hard to say what might be offputting for them. I will note that women's sexual cues are often more psychological than physical, so you hear about things like "self confidence" and "maturity" and "personality". Those can be quite important to women.

These women you're attracted to probably have plenty of options, so they are electing to move on and continue their search elsewhere after "trying you out".

I suspect that these women you find less attractive wind up interested in you because, to put it bluntly, they're less attractive to men. They are more interested in you because you're (physically) attractive and, for them, landing an attractive guy is a bigger deal. It "validates" them, in a sense. So, unlike the very attractive women, these women are more willing to overlook any aspects of your personality they might find less appealing.

That would be my read on the situation. As noted its hard to say exactly what the more attractive women are finding lacking without knowing you a lot better.

BTW, if you want to learn more about what women (tend to) find attractive, you could try reading the book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts". Specifically the chapters on female attraction, as the book is pretty large. IF you are able to understand and put into practice some of the ideas discussed there, you might find it helpful.

Edited March 30, 2023 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Shaoli1 said:

It's s totally different why I turn down a girl and why a girl turns me down. 

Perhaps you like the chase?  You seem to be getting interest and dates, but you don't want the ones who want you.

You seem more attracted when they don't want you. It's also odd that there's enough "chemistry" for a date and a kiss, but then getting the "we're not a match" message.

There's no point even asking someone out with deal breakers like no job, no life, etc. 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Shaoli1 said:

Either they really like me and I don't like them, or I really like them and they dont like me.

Tale as old as time. Look up the term aspirational dating. Essentially we feel the most attraction towards people about 20% more attractive than ourselves. The flip side being we’re not at all interested in people less attractive than ourselves. And also why most long term couples actually are about equal in attractiveness. 

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, Shaoli1 said:

,we meet at a club or a bar or something

Change that. These places are noisy and don't provide a good environment to connect. You invite them to walk in a park, walk downtown, drink on a terrace, where you can concentrate on each other with no distraction. Takes more to women than physical attaction, you got to be interesting and a bar/club isn't the place to discover that.

[Versacehottie]

10 hours ago, Shaoli1 said:

. I talk to them for weeks before we actually go out so we get to know eachother well before we go out usually

IMO, this is a big part of your problem ^^^  If you are "talking" to them for weeks, whether you are texting, messaging, FT or talking on the phone, all of that is subpar to meeting in person and having that little extra edge of the excitement and nervousness that comes with that. If you are talking a ton or for weeks before you go out, then they are too familiar, too comfortable as well as know so much about each other and then the date is lackluster in comparison.

Also you are wasting your own time by not getting right into it by going on a date soon after meeting or matching or whatever, because you will often get that response in spite of attempting to create excitement and spontaneity. 

While you don't have to be a bad boy, if you are playing it sooooo safe, you are already signaling to them that you tiptoe around things and play it safe. Simply by trying to take someone out sooner and not playing it safe by texting forever, you will signal your own confidence, self-worth, appeal. I would DEFINITELY say you need to shorten that window. 

If you are repeatedly getting the "no chemistry" line, you need to edge yourself up a little. Express your confidence and basically masculine sides and IDGAF "tude a touch more. That doesn't have to be being rude to anyone just that you are not worried that things WON'T go your way. 

*Work on your grooming and socialization with others as well so you present yourself in the best light. If you are cute/good-looking many girls are going to be attracted enough for a second date chance. And may get attached regardless of what you act like. 

Edited March 31, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

9 hours ago, Shaoli1 said:

That's what she said to me like her words exactly were "we have a lot of similar interests, I feel I can talk to you all night, i feel very comfortable around you, but I dont feel any sexual chemistry" and I don't even know what that means

Means she is at least telling you that she feels a friend or acquaintance vibe toward you. You haven't done anything wrong per se but she doesnt' see it as a dating relationship.

Most girls "chemistry" criteria are much like you describe your own. Physical attraction and then more substance and similar values. Just because you think you are deducing that differently doesn't mean you are. 

Edited March 31, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Shaoli1 said:

. I talk to them for weeks before we actually go out 

Agree. This is definitely the road to the friendzone. After a couple of messages, meet for a drink/coffee.  Only ask women you're interested in out. It sounds like your net is too wide if you are dating women with as many deal breakers as you claim they have.

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, Shaoli1 said:

Why is this the only line I ever get from anyone that I'm actually into? It's literally driving me crazy.

Take a break.

Step back and re-evaluate yourself.

Think about what differences could make this better for you.

I agree that talking for weeks on end before meeting is more likely to keep you in the friend zone. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm wondering if your flirting game is off. I don't think flirting builds a solid relationship, but it can help some people get out of the way of blocking energy.

Do you know how to flirt with the women you like? Flirting can help you step out of friend energy, but it has to be authentic and it doesn't have to follow any obvious stereotypes about men flirting with women.  You can flirt by saying, "wow, you look great in that color." Only say that if you feel strongly that she looks good in that color. 
"I love your voice." Again only speak if that's true.

So a safe non-anxiety-inducing way of flirting is to simply share something you like about the person other than "you're pretty." She asks you a great question, tell her "that's a great question, and I'd love to answer it. Let's see ..."

So another question: how relaxed are you on the dates with women you find attractive. 

Another: how good are you at sharing something REAL about yourself that isn't safe but isn't mean? Could be a long term goal (has to be specific and real). You might be hiding with these attractive women--hiding meaning you give formal answers as opposed to some real answers when you speak of yourself. Finally, pay attention to the attractive person's energy. You should NOT like or want date someone highly attractive unless they also have other strong qualities. 

 

 

[stillafool]

On 3/30/2023 at 2:14 PM, Shaoli1 said:

Exactly so what is sexually attracted and what does that even mean?

To be sexually attracted means to desire to have sex with someone.  It isn't as easy for women as it is for men.

[Alpacalia]

Physical attraction means they find you physically appealing, while sexual attraction means they have a desire to be intimate with you. It is possible to find someone physically attractive without wanting to pursue a physical relationship with them.

Sexual attraction is when you say to yourself, "hey there, you must have a magnetic personality because I'm feeling a strong physical and sexual attraction to you!"

[Ami1uwant]

On 3/30/2023 at 12:32 PM, Shaoli1 said:

To put it easily, I am a 29 year old male. I've gone out on countless dates to the point where I'm kind of getting sick of it. These are both ONLINE and IN PERSON meetings. 

Why is it that every girl I go out with, one of two things happen.
Either they really like me and I don't like them, or I really like them and they dont like me. There is never a mutual feeling between anyone at all. If I like them a lot I can leave the date assured that they won't like me at this point and it's pretty sad.

They ALL across the board say the SAME exact thing somehow. I have like 15 different text messages all the same thing
"I had such a great time, i feel comfortable around you, we can talk and spend hours together, similar interests, and you're good looking but there's no sexual chemistry"

Why is this the only line I ever get from anyone that I'm actually into? It's literally driving me crazy.
They all are okay with being friends, they even ask me "hey I don't feel any chemistry I haven't developed anything for you but if you want to stay friends I'm down" why is that all anyone ever wants but yet you give me your phone number in the first place, go out with me, and usually make out with me at the end of it.

Do people usually know after a first date right away? I almost feel like they need to give it more than 1 date, does anyone do that?

if you have not met in person before the first date……attraction is usually purely physical.each person develops this at different rates.  
 

my rule is if you have a good time and there are no warning signs or non- negotiable differences you should meet a second time.

[Ami1uwant]

On 3/30/2023 at 2:14 PM, Shaoli1 said:

Exactly so what is sexually attracted and what does that even mean? I can tell you if I find a girl attractive, then that's it I'm sexually attracted to her lol like what else is there.

The girls that I'm not into are for actual reasons though. Concrete reasons. They have no hobbies or interests in general, their lives consist of watching Netflix and playing with their dog and nothing else, no substance, are boring. Others no future, they dont work, they dont go to school, nothing. And some they talk non stop and I can't get a single word in.

 

It's totally different why I turn down a girl and why a girl turns me down. Mine I have actual REAL reasons. Their reasoning is there's no Chemistry which wouldn't make sense when they're telling me in text how much we have in common, how much they like talking to me, etc

Women tend to be more superficial and want fantasyland.  That’s  why they tend to be too quick.  Remrmber if they are somewhat attractive they have a lot of suitors so they can easily next people.

 

pre internet days many of these same women likely would have gotten to date 3 with you

[justwhoiam]

A woman could accept a date with you because:

1. she wants to give it a go/chance even if she's not getting vibes at first, so that first date is the test; if she still got no vibes during the date, then she knows for sure there's no chemistry

2. she finds you attractive from one or multiple pictures online or by seeing you in person, but then by talking to you, you're a let-down, hence she doesn't want a second date

3. she thinks you're either cute or nice by talking to you (online chats or live in person), but then after going out with you she realizes you're unfu--able (aka friendzoned)

4. either #2 or #3 (mainly from online dating app), but then on the date she sees you're clumsy, or not very talkative in person, or even not very assertive. Women don't like weak/feeble men in general. You probably heard about being an alpha man.

You wrote that you sometimes can't get a word in. And you discarded those women. Too bad, because they might be very interesting and challenging. But I'll tell you more. When there's sexual chemistry, women often just need a look, a glance to communicate with you, without even speaking (even those same women who talk a lot). You're not creating that atmosphere (sexual tension) on ANY of your dates, even with women you are very attracted to. So yes, there seems to be a problem. Which, I don't know. I'd have to go out with you on a date to know. Maybe you can ask a female friend to let you know what you do wrong.

[spiderowl]

On 3/30/2023 at 9:14 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps you like the chase?  You seem to be getting interest and dates, but you don't want the ones who want you.

You seem more attracted when they don't want you. It's also odd that there's enough "chemistry" for a date and a kiss, but then getting the "we're not a match" message.

There's no point even asking someone out with deal breakers like no job, no life, etc. 

I agree with the above. You are asking these women out on dates so why are you asking women you have little interest in? Did you not get any indication of their lack of hobbies or ambition beforehand? I am assuming you only ask women out that are attractive to you.

Are you immediately relegating those who show interest in you? Are you only ultimately attracted to those who prove to be more of a challenge?

The other thing to bear in mind is that you are asking these women out so they might not have shown a lot of interest in you beforehand. Try to suss out those who genuinely want to spend regular time with you.

There have been guys I’ve really adored in the past who I liked to spend time with but couldn’t see myself in a sexual relationship with. One was very overweight at the time, but the main problem was he drank too much. What can a woman say? Sorry, I like you as a friend, love you even, but you drink too much and I’d be setting myself up for heartbreak if we got together? Another talked too loud, boasted all the time, and tried to dominate. He was a very sociable, extrovert, fun and outgoing friend but no more.

You mentioned some women talking to much. I have found that this is endemic in men - they talk all the time and barely show an interest in what I’ve got to say. Try to make sure you get the balance right with respect to time for talking and listening.