SparklingandBroken Posted March 30, 2023 Share Posted March 30, 2023 Our schedule revolves around my bf's custody of his children. I don't mind. Up until recently, if it were his weekend with the kids, I would not see him until he took them back to their mom's house. Now that it has been over a year and a half, we make plans to do stuff with the kids maybe once a month or so, and then they all go back home. Last weekend was my bf's bday and he had made plans with his friends to do something (I was included). He had the kids because he had switched weekends with his ex, so the kids were with their grandparents at a family event. His ex sent him a string of angry text messages because the kids were not with him for the entirety of the weekend. We were with other parents whose kids were with babysitters/family. This is a little much, right? We are very mindful of his time with the kids and plan accordingly. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 I think it's between him and his ex. Be supportive of him doing the right thing but don't impose your opinion on him. He only gets his children 2 weekends a month, encourage him to organize his get together when the kids aren't with him. He's an adult, he could have celebrated his b'day on his free time, not on kids time. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 9 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: His ex sent him a string of angry text messages because the kids were not with him for the entirety of the weekend. We were with other parents whose kids were with babysitters/family. This is a little much, right? No, it's actually understandable. He has very limited time with his kids but he palmed them off onto someone else to go out with friends. My husband already had a child when I met him and only had him on Saturdays so I encouraged my husband to make the most of that time with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 10 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: This is a little much, right? Not really. But it's up to him and his ex to sort out. I would stay out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 (edited) This is between him and his ex. And, she has no right to tell him how he should spend the time with his children. It’s healthy and normal for children to spend time alone with their grandparents. Most parents who live with their partner and their children will have a night out without the children. If this was happening all the time, that would be a different story… IMHO, he has done nothing wrong and she is overreacting. But, she is his problem to deal with… Edited March 31, 2023 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, JTSW said: My husband already had a child when I met him and only had him on Saturdays so I encouraged my husband to make the most of that time with him. So did I, but I don’t think that means that they must spend every available moment together. In fact, my partner did that and it has created its own problem - we have a socially anxious and isolated child (who is now a young adult) with no friends who has no interests or activities outside the home. They spent every moment of their time together to the child’s detriment - his only relationship is with his father. Life is about balance. Edited March 31, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 Just curious, if it was a family event, why did he not attend with his parents and his children? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 12 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: . His ex sent him a string of angry text messages because the kids were not with him for the entirety of the weekend. Unfortunately it seems like he shares too much personal information with his ex. He doesn't have to discuss what you two are doing or why the kids are with the grandparents. Step back, don't take sides and ask him to discontinue discussing you or your relationship with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 potato potato. It all depends on one's perspective. If it was just a one time thing, then it shouldn't be an issue. If this has happened more than once then I can see how the ex would be frustrated in this matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 (edited) Sorry, I work with numbers and percentage and to me everything has to balance. He has his kids 2 weekends out of one month that means 6 days over 30 days. She gets them 24 days a month, she is justified to get a break and leave them at grand-ma. As for him those 6 days should be maximized. Yes sure he can bring them to the grand parents, lets say his buddy is getting married and he's invited, he needs to visit someone at the hospital, etc (you know stuff you have no control on the date) BUT, he leaves the kids at grand-ma so he can <party> on his birthday? big nah! Edited March 31, 2023 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 (edited) I’m just curious, do we know for sure that he only gets his kids two weekends (6 days) a month? Or, do they also share custody during the week? If he truly has his children two weekends a month - he should really spend that time with his children. There is lots of other time to celebrate with friends… It certainly shouldn’t be a regular occurrence if their time together is that limited. That said, I don’t know that it’s his ex-wife’s place to get angry about whether his children spend time with their grandparents during the time that he has his children. That’s his decision, not hers. Edited March 31, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 (edited) 17 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: Our schedule revolves around my bf's custody of his children. I don't mind. Up until recently, [...] This is a little much, right? [...] Thoughts? For a moment, put yourself in his daughter's/son's shoes. Maybe the kids came with a present, a gift for their father who was having his birthday. Honestly, he was a jerk to not see the kids once over the entire weekend. It's heartbreaking for the children that the father decided not to see them when he was supposed to be with them and decided to spend it with his friends. What kind of message is he sending them? It's all a matter of priorities. And I'm sorry that you got bothered because the mother is defending the children's interest. Children ask questions too, and she's left with the messes he creates. Nothing wrong with being with the grandparents, what is wrong is that he couldn't have an hour to spend with them. I say: BIG FAIL. And you as his new partner, and as a woman, didn't think there was anything wrong with ignoring the children for the entire weekend of his custody. Bad. Edited March 31, 2023 by justwhoiam Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 A year and a half in, this kind of thing should be largely resolved. As in you guys figure out a schedule that of course prioritizes his kids but also works for you. Another way of saying this is that: you need to feel important and prioritized and treasured. Don't assume it's just "the kids" and the weekend custody that is getting in the way. The kids and ex are certainly challenges, but you know he could also be distant and would be somewhat distant without the kids and ex. Definitely ask for more time with him. But first, get clear: let's say things continue as they are--there are no changes. Do you want to be in this relationship or not? Do NOT assume you're supposed to be patient and understanding and all of that. No, that's not your job. Your job is to find a relationship that feels good to you. There are lots of divorced parents who can make a new partner feel important without at all neglecting the children. Again, after a year and a half, I would think you should feel like things work for you. You might not quite get all the time you'd dream of. But you get ample attention and love and focus, which would take some creativity on his part. So I say don't suck up your loneliness or your unhappiness with the distance from this guy. Don't rush to be so understanding. I mean in your own head and heart, don't dismiss your feelings that something isn't quite right. It's totally OK to leave this guy because you don't feel you're getting enough time and focus from him. This guy is a specific person with specific ways of interacting with his partner (you). So dumping this guy does not mean you avoid all divorced shared-custody parents in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SparklingandBroken Posted March 31, 2023 Author Share Posted March 31, 2023 5 hours ago, justwhoiam said: For a moment, put yourself in his daughter's/son's shoes. Maybe the kids came with a present, a gift for their father who was having his birthday. Honestly, he was a jerk to not see the kids once over the entire weekend. It's heartbreaking for the children that the father decided not to see them when he was supposed to be with them and decided to spend it with his friends. What kind of message is he sending them? It's all a matter of priorities. And I'm sorry that you got bothered because the mother is defending the children's interest. Children ask questions too, and she's left with the messes he creates. Nothing wrong with being with the grandparents, what is wrong is that he couldn't have an hour to spend with them. I say: BIG FAIL. And you as his new partner, and as a woman, didn't think there was anything wrong with ignoring the children for the entire weekend of his custody. Bad. I never said he never saw them once over the entire weekend, so I'm not sure how you're concocting this storyline. It was a ticketed EVENT that was planned prior to them switching weekends and prior to the family event that was planned. And he's sober so he definitely was not out "partying" with his friends. He was back home with them before they even woke up the next morning. As I mentioned in my previous post, we make all of our plans based on the custody arrangement and days he sees his kids. He does not have them 6 days a month, he also sees them 2-3 times during the week. The over step was his ex trying to micromanage his time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SparklingandBroken Posted March 31, 2023 Author Share Posted March 31, 2023 10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately it seems like he shares too much personal information with his ex. He doesn't have to discuss what you two are doing or why the kids are with the grandparents. Step back, don't take sides and ask him to discontinue discussing you or your relationship with her. I agree. I don't think he told her directly though, I think maybe the kids mentioned they were with Grandma. They are 10 & 15 and text frequently with her. I stay out of it. She has tried to get my cell phone number, etc but I don't want to open the door to her harassing me so I keep things as pleasant and surface level as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SparklingandBroken Posted March 31, 2023 Author Share Posted March 31, 2023 4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: A year and a half in, this kind of thing should be largely resolved. As in you guys figure out a schedule that of course prioritizes his kids but also works for you. Another way of saying this is that: you need to feel important and prioritized and treasured. Don't assume it's just "the kids" and the weekend custody that is getting in the way. The kids and ex are certainly challenges, but you know he could also be distant and would be somewhat distant without the kids and ex. Definitely ask for more time with him. But first, get clear: let's say things continue as they are--there are no changes. Do you want to be in this relationship or not? Do NOT assume you're supposed to be patient and understanding and all of that. No, that's not your job. Your job is to find a relationship that feels good to you. There are lots of divorced parents who can make a new partner feel important without at all neglecting the children. Again, after a year and a half, I would think you should feel like things work for you. You might not quite get all the time you'd dream of. But you get ample attention and love and focus, which would take some creativity on his part. So I say don't suck up your loneliness or your unhappiness with the distance from this guy. Don't rush to be so understanding. I mean in your own head and heart, don't dismiss your feelings that something isn't quite right. It's totally OK to leave this guy because you don't feel you're getting enough time and focus from him. This guy is a specific person with specific ways of interacting with his partner (you). So dumping this guy does not mean you avoid all divorced shared-custody parents in the future. Thank you for the thoughtful response. That is not my current concern at all. I work in a field that requires weekends, so I typically work the weekends he has the kids and plan time with my friends. He definitely doesn't ignore me. He keeps in contact and makes plans to do things with the 4 of us, as I am available. I actually like alone time, so this schedule has been working ok thus far. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 He needs to tell her she doesn’t get to decide how things go when he has his time with the kids. which she shouldn’t be able to do… after all - they are divorced. If he has them - and they are safe - she needs to stay out of it - and he needs to blatantly tell her that. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 Indeed, what he does when he has his kids is none of her business. Soon, they will want to be out with friends or working… they don’t need to be with him 24/7. Thanks for clarifying the custody situation. I would definitely say if he sees his kids often that it’s not a problem for them to spend the evening with their grandparents. He needs to tell his ex to butt-out. And yes, good plan to keep your distance. All you have to be is cordial and respectful to the woman when/if you see her and with the children. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 On 3/31/2023 at 2:32 AM, SparklingandBroken said: Last weekend was my bf's bday and he had made plans with his friends to do something (I was included). He had the kids because he had switched weekends with his ex, so the kids were with their grandparents at a family event. His ex sent him a string of angry text messages because the kids were not with him for the entirety of the weekend. We were with other parents whose kids were with babysitters/family. This is a little much, right? We are very mindful of his time with the kids and plan accordingly. Thoughts? If he typically spends most of his free time with the kids when he has them and if his parents are responsible folks who are not engaged in a war of sorts with his ex, then I think it should be okay, even important, for the kids to spend time with their grandparents. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 (edited) 6 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: . She has tried to get my cell phone number, etc but I don't want to open the door to her harassing me so I keep things as pleasant and surface level as possible. Good call. She seems like a headache to deal with. Unfortunately he has to communicate in order to coparent. You're doing the right thing making accommodations for his custody schedule and staying out of the line of fire otherwise. Hopefully he'll streamline his interactions with her to strictly parenting. She seems to unleash whatever residual rage there is through making issues about parenting. There's no solution really except for him to find ways to stop caving to emotional blackmail. Perhaps some therapy for him would help with that and coparenting. Edited April 1, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 In your previous thread you said he lives with his parents and he has his kids overnight 4 nights a month. That's even less than l thought. You said he sees them a couple times during the week "sometimes" but sorry that's not the same a father doing his half Your thread was about how he's slowly moving himself from his parenst (he's been mootching off of them for 1.5 years) to your place. Sounds like the ex is over all fedup with him. She has those kids 26 nights a week. He can't be bothered to get his own place to really parent them. Don't get involved. Soon you'll know why she reached that level of fedup. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 (edited) I didn’t realize that this was the man who was living with his parents, and also essentially living with you. That puts a different spin on this… His wife still has no say over how he spends his time with the children as long as they are safe and well cared for. That said, he has some work to do to establish himself as an independent man and father after his divorce. It would have been nice had you shared the whole story OP. A few very important details were omitted from this post. It’s difficult to give advice or opinions when important information is left out - Edited April 1, 2023 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 22 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: I never said he never saw them once over the entire weekend That's how I interpreted your sentence "His ex sent him a string of angry text messages because the kids were not with him for the entirety of the weekend." Now I think it only meant she wanted him to be with them the whole time. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 2, 2023 Share Posted April 2, 2023 14 hours ago, Gaeta said: In your previous thread you said he lives with his parents and he has his kids overnight 4 nights a month. That's even less than l thought. You said he sees them a couple times during the week "sometimes" but sorry that's not the same a father doing his half Your thread was about how he's slowly moving himself from his parenst (he's been mootching off of them for 1.5 years) to your place. Sounds like the ex is over all fedup with him. She has those kids 26 nights a week. He can't be bothered to get his own place to really parent them. Don't get involved. Soon you'll know why she reached that level of fedup. I don’t understand d why HE doesn’t prioritize his kids - and time with them. he’s had more than a year and a half to provide those kids a home where HE spends his time with them - AND he needs more than 4 nights per month with them! why can’t he do that FOR THEM? All his long term goals should be delayed for this important time he gets with his kids. This time goes fast - he’s not nurturing his relationship with them. why can’t he set up his own place? then see you for dates on the nights he doesn’t see them. He may have his priorities backwards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 2, 2023 Share Posted April 2, 2023 Is he paying half of what it costs you to live there? Link to post Share on other sites
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