How to end this relationship

[Scottydntno1]

Sorry for long story:

I’m currently in a 2+ year relationship. My GF has 3 kids; 8-12 and 17. I have a 17 year old who recently moved in with my ex-wife (not his mother). Texas= 17 age of consent. ANYWAYS. I’m recently medically retired. I am an only child of a retired soldier and retired Prison CO. My father was a 2 time Vietnam Vet and my mom is one of those STRICT German moms. Lol

Anyways. I’ve never really been fond of children other than mine due to different ways of growing up. My GF does not believe in physical discipline as I do and as I was raised up with. Fine, I get that, whatever. My issue with my GF children are that they are VERY rude, and entitled. If my GF tells them no to something, they all react between (Complaining to name calling, threatening and being physical with her). I CAN NOT accept that. The youngest is 8 but I swear she acts 5 due to how her mom babies her.

She says she usually just gives in when they act up because she doesn’t want to deal with it. Somehow, it’s been working for her for now.

I NEVER expect her to choose her kids over me. I won’t allow that. But, I’m at my wits end on just watching her allow their behavior. I normally wait until the end of the day to spend time with my GF. Her kids time comes first. I’m not complaining on that. But when we do finally get a chance to hang out and maybe watch a movie or show, her youngest ALWAYS I mean ALWAYS interrupts our short time together and we sometimes just end up going to bed and not finishing a show.

At times, I get a little stern with the youngest for being rude and not giving us space, but then my GF says that I’m being mean and rude. At one time, I had to restrain her middle child because he was getting physical with her.

Her oldest, is the most entitled. If he doesn’t get his way, he just starts talking back and calling her mean and how she NEVER lets him do anything. I was the one to convince her to let him drive the car to school. Which now he acts like her car is his.

I eventually told her that I can’t handle this anymore. I told her that I thought that maybe us living together and having a grown man in the house would help. It MAY have helped a little since no one is getting physical anymore, but the disrespect, babying, name calling, food wasting cause they want restaurant food or snack for dinner every night hasn’t stopped.

I told her that I love her, but I don’t like her kids. Of course she cries can calls me mean and lacking empathy, etc: I can’t just up and leave her because she can’t afford the rent alone. I can hold this place down myself. It would be financially tough, but I can do it.

How can I get out of this relationship? I can’t think of anyway to do it that won’t break her heart. I know, this makes me the bad guy, but hey, it is what it is. I get no respect, there is almost ZERO structure and discipline in the home. My dog listens better than her kids. Any advice would be helpful, but please don’t judge and be disrespectful.

 

Thank you all in advanced.

[basil67]

Yes, it does sound like you'd be better off out of there.  And now that you've vocalised that you don't like her kids (as opposed to something more tactful such as incompatible parenting strategies) it would be best if you are not around the children for all your sakes.

If I were you, I'd give notice to the landlord that you need to break the lease.  During that time, move out, but continue with your share of the rent until the lease ends.  After that, what she does is up to her. 

[Acacia98]

Breaking up is the right thing to do under the circumstances.

Your relationship with the kids is a huge part of being in a relationship with a parent. If you don't get along with the kids (for whatever reason) or if your parenting styles are incompatible, then it's next to impossible to make your relationship work. 

I don't think you can avoid hurting her/breaking her heart. So just make an effort to be compassionate and kind in how you end things.

[ShyViolet]

This sounds awful.  I'd be out the door.  You just need to do it.... make a clean break.  Give her a certain amount of notice so she can make arrangements for her living situation.

4 hours ago, Scottydntno1 said:

I can’t just up and leave her because she can’t afford the rent alone. I can hold this place down myself. It would be financially tough, but I can do it.

Give her a reasonable amount of notice, but she is an adult and it's her responsibility to figure out a living situation.  You do not stay in a miserable relationship just because the other person is dependent on you.  That is enabling and it's also sacrificing your own happiness.

4 hours ago, Scottydntno1 said:

How can I get out of this relationship? I can’t think of anyway to do it that won’t break her heart.

Breakups can be really hard.  No one ever said they are easy.  But this is NOT a reason to prolong a relationship.  Her emotional well-being is not your responsibility.   She has created this mess by allowing her kids to be rude, disrespectful and unruly, and she has to see that there are consequences to that.  It's not your job to think of a way to do it that won't "break her heart", because there's no such thing as that.  You just need to be honest and direct with her, and not let this drag out.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Scottydntno1 said:

I can’t think of anyway to do it that won’t break her heart.

Exactly. She is going to be very hurt, no matter how you do it. 

That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. It is very obviously not working, and it's never going to. You don't like her kids and they come with the package. That's not to say you don't have reason to be frustrated with their behaviour, but they are going to be in her life forever. I guarantee they know you don't like them, and it sounds like the distaste for each other is mutual. So, it's not good for you and it's really not good for them to be in this environment. 

5 hours ago, Scottydntno1 said:

I can’t just up and leave her because she can’t afford the rent alone

So, what is your alternative? Stay in this chaos? OP, you are going to have to let her figure this out financially on her own. Give her ample notice that you are going to be leaving. Be kind about it. But be firm that it's over, and start untangling yourself from this. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Scottydntno1 said:

 I can’t just up and leave her because she can’t afford the rent alone. I can hold this place down myself. It would be financially tough, but I can do it.

Sorry this is happening. You're incompatible and you should Not be disciplining her children. Her children need to come first and discipline is the sole domain of her and their father.

You need to move out.  All you need to do is figure out the finances and who moves. If she's struggling financially she can get help from friends, family, the father and social services. 

If you don't want to move, she'll need to find other accommodations so that her children come first and are raised in a manner she sees fit. You're not compatible.

[JTSW]

On 3/31/2023 at 11:46 PM, Scottydntno1 said:

How can I get out of this relationship? I can’t think of anyway to do it that won’t break her heart.

You just have to do it.

Tell her you just can't be in a relationship with her anymore.

[Mrin]

On 4/1/2023 at 12:04 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You're incompatible and you should Not be disciplining her children. Her children need to come first and discipline is the sole domain of her and their father

I'm going to take a slight exception to this. I don't think this is an accurate representation of the realities of being in a committed relationship with a parent. Well I think wiseman is right that the dejure role of disciplinarian is that of the actual parent. The +1 (e.g. you) often has to play a defacto role as well. Especially in a cohabitation setting like you're in now. Otherwise it just becomes unworkable.

The way this should happen is the parent should "deputize" the +1 (you) in front of the kids to give you that authority. The parent should also let you know what powers you are deputized with meaning what level of discipline or standards of behavior you are authorized to enforce. In this role you are essentially enforcing her rules. And you have to be cool with that.

Now, I have been in this deputy role before. And once, I was elevated to the role of sheriff because the woman I was dating was really struggling to create enough structure for her boys. She asked me to take the lead and we actually had a "there's a new sheriff in town" type meeting with her boys. I won't lie to you - it wasn't a pleasant experience for anybody initially and while it more or less improved things I wouldn't do it again unless I married the woman.

OP: From the sounds of it I don't think you two are in the same zip code when it comes to expectations of behavior in her kids. So, I don't think that sheriff route works and if you were deputized, I think you would constantly be pushing against what you are allowed to do versus what you want to do.

In other word,  I don't think this is workable.

Sorry. 

Mrin 

 

Edited April 3, 2023 by Mrin