Issues with wife's family

[Kronos1]

Having issues with my in laws and her extended family. Not sure how to talk with my wife as she is severely stressed and already knows my issues but apparently not aware of the degree to which I am unable to be in their presence.

First: the in-laws. Hyper religious. When we go to their house for gatherings 100% of the conversations are religious. Everything is turned into a sermon. I  am an atheist, but feel "if that's your thing and it helps you, more power to you. But don't try to push it on me." 

To make it worse many "conversations" start with "those people". Fill in the race, country or orientation and of course all that aren't "good Christians" and you get the idea, typical weaponized religion. While that has slowed in my presence, it underlies their talks and I know it's at their core. 

Her uncle is worse, an alcoholic that has made loud and proud comments about groping his sister. My issue is I FEEL LIKE THE A-HOLE for not wanting to be around them. My wife makes excuses for them and says "that's where I came from and they're old and won't be around forever. It doesn't hurt me to just be  nice the few times per year we see them." 

I already refuse to be around her uncle and will not be at the multi birthday celebration next month, of which her bday is also being celebrated. I am taking her out to a nice restaurant for her bday but that hasn't done anything to alleviate the feeling I am the bad guy or her unhappiness that I refuse to attend. I don't know if this is just a rant or if anyone has any advice but if you do it'd be appreciated. 

[ShyViolet]

I would refuse to go over there too.  It is perfectly reasonable to refuse to go to the home of people who are horrible to be around and who make you extremely uncomfortable the whole time.  No good partner would expect you to subject yourself to that.  It's concerning that she is so oblivious to their issues.

I absolutely think you should refuse to go there, and stop feeling bad about it.

[basil67]

I wouldn't see any of them because if I did visit, I know I would have well and truly lost my temper with all of them....or at the very least, commented that I don't think Jesus would have judged others like this.

The thing which worries me is whether or not you have kids and how they'd be affected by all of this.  And whether you and your wife are in agreement on how they are raised with respect to religion

[Kronos1]

On 3/31/2023 at 8:46 PM, basil67 said:

 

"The thing which worries me is whether or not you have kids and how they'd be affected by all of this.  And whether you and your wife are in agreement on how they are raised with respect to religion" 

Both of us are atheist/agnostic. My wife did bring up the fact my son (not shared, but very loved none the less) wants to go to the bday gathering. So I am left trying to find a diplomatic way to say that it would not be healthy for him to be around them. 

Both of us are atheist/agnostic. My wife did bring up the fact my son (not shared, but very loved none the less) wants to go to the bday gathering. So I am left trying to find a diplomatic way to say that it would not be healthy for him to be around them. 

Edited April 2, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Kronos1 said:

Both of us are atheist/agnostic. My wife did bring up the fact my son (not shared, but very loved none the less) wants to go to the bday gathering. So I am left trying to find a diplomatic way to say that it would not be healthy for him to be around them. 

Glad that you and your wife are on the same page.  One less hurdle for you.

With regards to your son, I'd use it as a learning experience.  We are also athiest, but our children were allowed to make up their own mind.  The only thing we taught was to always respect the beliefs of others, but do not accept having their own beliefs criticised or participate (even by being on the peripheral) in the broad slamming of other people's religious beliefs.   

In short, if this was my son, I'd tell him that these people say things about other people which I find rude and harmful.  I'd can say that while this is their right, I get upset hearing it so have made the choice to not attend.  And that staying away is sometimes a better choice than going along and upsetting myself or getting into an argument.  And if pressed, I'd give examples then let him make up his own mind.  

Edited April 1, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Kronos1 said:

. I am taking her out to a nice restaurant for her bday 

How long have you been married?  Yes take her out for her birthday and skip the family get-together. Let her visit them alone any time she likes. Don't get into controversial conflicts with her or them. Just tell her you don't feel comfortable around them. She already knows why.  

[mark clemson]

Your wife has clearly seen right through the dysfunction and no longer wishes to be part of it in her life generally. You're part of that picture - she chose someone who's more or less the opposite of all that. So I think there's a wide common ground between you. But she still (quite reasonably feels she) has "family obligations."

Maybe when the time approaches, just calmly and patiently explain that it upsets you to be around folks who are messed up in this particular way and, just as with most situations that cause people distress, you prefer to avoid putting yourself in that situation. She probably knows exactly how you feel, in spades.

Also try to be reasonable since she sees this as a family obligation for her. Few people are "all bad." Maybe you can go once every couple years/as much as you can bear - "for her". Reasonable compromises are part and parcel of most LTRs.