I (32F) just ended things with (31M) - I'm overwhelmed and overthinking a lot of things in my life and not sure if I've made a mistake

[Chloerancin]

I (32F) ended it with him (31M) as I'm overwhelmed and overthinking everything my life - I don't know if it was a mistake

 

I've (32F) been dating this wondering handsome attractive caring guy (31M) fpr 3 months but I've just ended things.

 

My job is s**t with long hours and due to the living crisis, the last week has been a lot of pressure on the tasks of my job, I've thought about leaving but the salary allows me to be comfortable and I love the sector I'm in so hoping this work stress is a phase. I also have some family stuff going on and it's making me overthink everything in life.

 

I pulled the trigger and ended things with my guy. He's done nothing wrong, and has been the best partner I've ever had. He's the perfect level of independence while still showing me lots of affection, which I like. He's also so supportive.

 

With the work and family stress stuff, I've not had the headspace to think about him much this week as I normally do and due to that, my brains been in overthinking overdrive, making me believe that ending things was the only possible option as seemed the most logical thing to do. I don't want to mess him around. He took it really well, we laughed and had tears in our eyes. He was so understanding. Part of me already thinks I've made a mistake, as I never felt like ending things before work and family stuff started.

 

Sorry for the vent, just an overthinking mess of a human who's not sure if I made the right decision...

Edited April 1, 2023 by Chloerancin

[BaileyB]

Was he complaining about the fact that you didn’t have time to spend with him?

If you feel it’s not the right time for you, it’s not the right time. But I’m struggling to understand why you didn’t talk with him about the fact that you were feeling overwhelmed and why you felt there were no other options to help you to find a better work-life balance. 

It sounds like you chose a permanent solution to what is perhaps a temporary problem. 

Edited April 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[Chloerancin]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Was he complaining about the fact that you didn’t have time to spend with him? Or was he unhappy in the relationship?

If you feel it’s not the right time for you, it’s not the right time. I’m struggling to understand why you didn’t talk with him about the fact that you were feeling overwhelmed and why you felt there were no other options to help you to find a work-life balance. 

Hey there!

He never once complained and never said he was unhappy, he seemed like the happiest guy in the world.

My career means my only free time is the weekends and I spent most of that time with him and not much with my friends, family and hobbies.

I know I've shot myself in the foot here by not communicating these things and letting manifest until the day I ended things but I'm so in my own head right now.

He's perfect but I feel I can't give him what I want to give him while my life is currently making me feel very overwhelmed. He deserves so much better

[amerikajin]

If you don't have time for a relationship, then you don't have time for a relationship.

A long time ago, I had a brief relationship like that and ended it for the same reason. It wasn't so much that I didn't have a time for any relationship, but I had a weird schedule with my 'weekend' being in the middle of the week, whereas this woman (like most) had regular weekends. She also lived over an hour away from where I was, so getting together after work wasn't easy. We hit it off after the first 2 or 3 dates and I wanted to keep seeing her but knew that my schedule was going to make that difficult and I wasn't able to change it, so once I realized that, I ended it.

She wasn't happy about it and I can't say I blame her, but I assume she eventually found someone who was more available. I still felt bad about it at the time - partly because I know she must have felt deflated after our initial dates, which went well, but also I hated to end it because she was attractive and had a great personality. I think had circumstances been different, it could have developed into something. But to this day my only regret is that I didn't figure this out one or two dates earlier. 

Maybe this is a time to see if you can begin working toward a better work/life balance, too. Easier said than done, I realize.

[justwhoiam]

I'll answer with a quote: “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans” – John Lennon (lyrics from the song Beautiful Boy).

One of my ex colleagues regretted - when she was 50 - that she had no children though she had the same partner for like 25 years. She thought that was right for her, but then as she got older, she felt she made the wrong choice. Just try not to get sucked up by your job to the point that it interferes with your personal life too much. Always try to find a balance.

[ExpatInItaly]

If a week of work stress was all it took to end it, then I think you were just not that into him. 

And that's perfectly fine. You listened to your gut saying you needed to break it off. My strong sense is that if you were really into him, you would have ridden out these waves at work without ending the relationship. But something is telling you he isn't the one for you. I don't believe you have shot yourself in the foot. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Chloerancin said:

.He took it really well, we laughed and had tears in our eyes. He was so understanding. Part of me already thinks I've made a mistake,.

Perhaps it was a mistake.  But it seems you ended on good terms. You seem quite overwhelmed so if course attend to that. However it would have been ok to simply explain how overwhelmed you are and let him decide if he can deal with it or not.

This may have been one of the rare situations where asking for space could have been beneficial. However. It's important to reflect if you felt suffocated by him and just feel guilty for ending it. Make sure perfectionism isn't a factor and needing to be all things to all people.

Edited April 2, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

How long did you date?

I agree with @ExpatInItalyif you had been into him a bad week wouldn't have lead you to breakup.

Most of us have stressful lives, pressure at work, family crisis, health situation, demanding children, and we don't go breaking our romantic relationship.

Trust your instincts, it was talking to you. 

 

[JTSW]

Are you remaining in contact?

[smackie9]

He was great on paper, but emotionally you weren't that into him. When life gets too much we start to dump things to lighten the load....he just happen to be one of the loads you needed to dump. As for work, you need to talk to your supervisor or boss about the heavy work load you are struggling with. It doesn't hurt to ask for help or temporary assistance or even ask for advice on what course to take, like a different position. 

[Els]

On 4/2/2023 at 8:34 AM, Chloerancin said:

My career means my only free time is the weekends and I spent most of that time with him and not much with my friends, family and hobbies.

I mean, this is pretty standard for the average adult? Even people who live together don't typically spend all that much quality time together on weekdays, due to balancing the demands of career and family.

It's fine if you felt that this relationship was a burden on your time, or if you weren't all that into him - you don't owe anyone anything, and it's entirely your prerogative to choose to break up if you don't want to be in a relationship with him. But if you actually WERE into him, then I think you made a mistake. Your life doesn't sound out of the ordinary at all IMO, and if he's as empathic and mature as you say he is, I'm sure he understands that there are some weeks where career/family takes priority.

[Ami1uwant]

On 4/1/2023 at 6:34 PM, Chloerancin said:

Hey there!

He never once complained and never said he was unhappy, he seemed like the happiest guy in the world.

My career means my only free time is the weekends and I spent most of that time with him and not much with my friends, family and hobbies.

I know I've shot myself in the foot here by not communicating these things and letting manifest until the day I ended things but I'm so in my own head right now.

He's perfect but I feel I can't give him what I want to give him while my life is currently making me feel very overwhelmed. He deserves so much better

Everyone has faults. If you only bern seeing him on the weekends,faults could be well controlled.

 

he might have been fine with it given his work schedule. He was only free on weekends.

 

hoe far apart are your homes? Coukd you do evenings at ones place? Stay overnight?