Am I being unreasonable for a few bucks?

[emprosnet7]

Hi all.

I am dating a woman for five months now. We are both divorced with kids. Her kids are adults and I don't think she pays for child support. I do pay for my two daughters. Every time we went out, I paid for the meal or coffee. She never offered to pay once. Fine by me. Additionally, I helped her out a couple of times with her computer and a couple of things around her house and happy to do it. She has her own job, two dogs to take care of and a horse! Also she told me that she went shopping the other day and bought many clothes.

To the incident..

One day she was going to see the doctor and have an exam under anesthesia. Initially she was going with her son. She was not feeling well so I was worried about her. Instead she came to my house (told her that I took the day off) and told me that her son was going to see his girlfriend instead, so I offered to go with her. As we arrived, the receptionist at the doctor's office asked her to get the anesthetic from the pharmacy for 10 dollars. The receptionist said that I could go get it as her companion so that she gets prepped. I stood there for a few seconds to see if she would give me the money but nothing. So I went downstairs to the pharmacy and got it. After the test and everything, we went again to my place to rest and wait for her son to come and pick her up with her car. So then I reminded her about the anesthetic and she gave me the money without saying anything.

Next, we are about to meet in her house after a few days. As I leave the house to drive to her, she sends me a text that she is not well and that it is windy outside and she is worried about me. I go to her house as planed. She seems perfectly fine and we have a very good time together!. The next day, because it is the day to see my daughter. In the afternoon I get text messages and a phone call, she is questioning whether I love her etc. I tell her that I do. Later I asked her if I did something wrong and she texts me that it bothered her that I asked her for the ten dollar. Also told me that a friend of hers paid the doctor and that she would not go to the doctor if he didn't pay for it. I asked her why and she told me that he is a millionaire. I told her that I have one pay check and that I have to support two daughters. She questioned me if I was looking for other women, and I told her no. Told her that know what I want in a woman. She gives me a laughing emoji and then she writes "I am sorry, I forgot about the 10 dollars because of the anesthetic !" 

That struck me as a red flag now and I don't know that to think. Am I being unreasonable for a few bucks?

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

Also told me that a friend of hers paid the doctor and that she would not go to the doctor if he didn't pay for it. I asked her why and she told me that he is a millionaire.

^ This is the weirdest bit of all.  Refusing to see a doctor unless her rich friend pays sounds both entitled and stupid.    And that entitled attitude is coming your way too. 

While I understand that you may be fine with her paying nothing towards dating, she should be paying all of her personal costs.  If I was her, I would have handed my card to my bf and asked if he could pick up what I need from the pharmacy.

Regarding you paying for the dating, what does she pay for in the relationship?   For example, if you eat dinner at her place and/or stay the night, does she buy the groceries required?   Or if you're hosting, does she bring wine or something for dessert?

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

You don't mind paying much more than that in restaurant bills but a $10 anestesia bothers you? If you want her to contribute to your outings then say so to her, waiting that she's in a hospital bed to create an issue over $10 is a real bad move.

Don't wait to build resentment before adressing a situation. This week have an open conversation on how you'd like she participates to your outings expenses. You better know now how she feels about pulling her own weight in a relationship.

About the rich friend, it's a mystery to me why she said that, maybe a bit of confusion if she was taking pain killers?

[basil67]

@Gaeta makes a good point.   I wonder if she had been more generous on dates, would this $10 have bothered you?   

Still though, if you become her boyfriend are you going to have to pay for her to see the doctor otherwise she won't go?

[Acacia98]

 

 

5 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

That struck me as a red flag now and I don't know that to think. Am I being unreasonable for a few bucks?

You're not being unreasonable. It sounds like she is using you.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Every time we went out, I paid for the meal or coffee. She never offered to pay once. Fine by me. 

Dude, this is nonsense here. You invited her to use you by this behavior. Fine by me? What the heck does that mean? No, it's not fine by you. You're just agreeing to continue to do it because you don't feel comfortable raising the money issue. You don’t want “fine by me” in a relationship. A relationship is “wow I’m with a wonderful and generous person!”

The most traditional woman I ever dated, who insisted I pay for everything starting off, within two months or even shorter was paying half of our outings or we'd switch. I'd pay one time, she the next. She'd also invite me over and cook these amazing meals (she was a great cook and fast!) for me.

You are with a loser, a cheapskate, a moocher. Dump her. This will go nowhere. None. And stop that foolish "fine by me" nonsense. I used to say that. In reality, I was seething underneath--just the seething was low enough that I could ignore it and pretend everything was OK.

And then the anesthesia. You got to be kidding me.

Of course it bothered her that you asked for the ten dollars for HER anesthesia. That totally makes sense: Why is her bank not paying for everything?! What an insult!  Dude, you know what to do: this is not a close case. This has NOTHING to do with you playing the traditional male role and so on. She’s using you behind the smokescreen of you’re the man and you should pay. I  bet she’s exactly like this with her women friends, if she has any. Actually a person like this often lacks real friends.

Dump her. And next time, your job is to stop any relationship and SPEAK UP! ... when someone ASSUMES you're going to pay every time--stop it after a few weeks. 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

. The receptionist said that I could go get it as her companion so that she gets prepped. I stood there for a few seconds to see if she would give me the money but nothing. 

Unfortunately if $10 for medication is enough to question the relationship, it seems like you're incompatible.  If you feel you're on a tighter budget than she is because of child support, you could cut back on other things.

5 mos is a good time to assess things and you both seem to be doing that. Perhaps asking her to reimburse you for $10 was a catalyst in both of you questioning the relationship?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

 told me that a friend of hers paid the doctor and that she would not go to the doctor if he didn't pay for it. 

Doesn't she have medical insurance to cover visits, tests, treatments and medication?  Why are "millionaire friends" paying medical bills? 

[emprosnet7]

Thank you for the responses.  I  don't think she has medical insurance. This is one of the things I have to query. Also have a discussion about finances. She is very honest with me from the beginning, so I know that if I ask the right questions, she will tell me how she sees things. I will open a discussion with her if I see her this week.

[emprosnet7]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Doesn't she have medical insurance to cover visits, tests, treatments and medication?  Why are "millionaire friends" paying medical bills? 

Don't think so. He is a former boss and a friend of hers.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

 She has her own job, two dogs to take care of and a horse.

After 5 mos dating, you don't need every detail, but you should at least have a clue about her financial standing. The $10 seems more symbolic of some other incompatibilities when it comes to finances and money styles. 

[emprosnet7]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

After 5 mos dating, you don't need every detail, but you should at least have a clue about her financial standing. The $10 seems more symbolic of some other incompatibilities when it comes to finances and money styles. 

Yes it is a matter of principle, not about the ten bucks. Unavoidably, we will discuss about finances, as I now suspect financial problems. 

[emprosnet7]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Gaeta makes a good point.   I wonder if she had been more generous on dates, would this $10 have bothered you?   

Still though, if you become her boyfriend are you going to have to pay for her to see the doctor otherwise she won't go?

She may be trying to offload some expenses like food to afford for the horse, the dogs, the car, and the house expenses. This is my suspicion.

She avoids doctors for the same reason. 

[basil67]

54 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

She may be trying to offload some expenses like food to afford for the horse, the dogs, the car, and the house expenses. This is my suspicion.

She avoids doctors for the same reason. 

I've got to be honest -  if I were you, I'd want a full understanding of their financial situation and choices in managing those finances before I got further involved.  

To be clear, I wouldn't give her an inquisition, but I'd casually ask what's going on.  I understand that people can get into financial problems due to no fault of their own.  Illness, inflation  (cost of living/housing), having to stop working to care for a loved one etc and I'd be OK with that.  But I would want to rule out poor financial management on their part.

Thing is, the way she spoke about her millionaire friend still smells of entitlement.  Unless perhaps you gave the short version and she wasn't actually that flippant?

Edited April 3, 2023 by basil67

[Els]

This is just so messed up both ways.

I can't even imagine asking a platonic friend for $10 to get their medications for them when they are already feeling unwell, let alone a person I was in a relationship with. If it was a larger sum of money, say a few hundred dollars, I'd understand (although I'd still pay first and then remind them later when they are feeling better). But asking for $10 from a sick person??? Just... no. If paying $10 for a sick partner is too much for you, you have no business even trying to be in a relationship. Sort your finances out first. It's fair if you wanted her to start contributing for dates, but that should be discussed separately, and NOT while she is sick.

Her saying that she only goes to the doctor when her male millionaire friend pays is absolutely bizarre, though. I'm not sure if she really meant that or if she was just trying to get under your skin after your calculative behaviour, but either way that was exceedingly immature on her part.

[JTSW]

She seems to like everyone paying for her.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

She never offered to pay once. Fine by me

This is where you are part of the problem. 

You say it is fine by you, but the rest of your post reveals that it's clearly not. It's becoming a point of contention, so much that $10 is causing strife. I am willing to bet that if she were more equal in chipping in on dates or offering to treat you sometimes that you wouldn't have thought twice about the $10 pharamcy run. 

So, the point is that you do need to be more honest with yourself (and her) that you are not okay with paying for everything. It's not wise to pretend like you are when the resentmet is obviously building up. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

. I do pay for my two daughters. . I told her that I have one pay check and that I have to support two daughters. 

Unfortunately there's not enough trust and too much financial inequality. You seem resentful of her lifestyle and that's showing up as this tiff about $10. 

Perhaps neither of you are ready to date. Maybe review your finances and child support payments and see what your budget for leisure activities is. She seems used to a more expensive lifestyle yet doesn't have medical insurance?

It's doubtful paying for dinners is going to finance her horse. But the bottom line is, if you feel taken advantage of, it may be best to reconsider the situation.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, emprosnet7 said:

She may be trying to offload some expenses like food to afford for the horse, the dogs, the car, and the house expenses.

Does she have the job to support all those expenses? A horse cost thousands of dollars a year to maintain on top of a house, dogs and her shopping. If she doesn't have a high paying job I'd suspect she has important credit cards debts. 

[smackie9]

Dude, just run for the hills. This is why we date...to see what they are like, how they handle life, themselves and the relationship. She's a bit of a user. You want someone that is well put together and responsible. This lady ain't it. 

[Alpacalia]

On the surface, no, you are not being unreasonable for a few bucks.

It was certainly inconsiderate of her to not offer to pay for the anesthetic or even acknowledge that you paid for it. Since she was the one who requested the procedure, it is only fair that she should be the one to cover the cost of the anesthetic.

More concerning is that she is throwing in the part about questioning if you love her? It sounds like your girlfriend has some concerns about your relationship or perhaps a fear that you are not fully committed?

Ensure that she understands your financial responsibilities.

Explain to her the importance of budgeting and setting a limit to spending. Show her that you are responsible and that you are taking steps to ensure your financial security. Make sure she understands that it is important to be mindful of your spending and to prioritize saving for the future. For instance, you might explain that you can't always take her out on the weekend and that it's important to make sure you're able to pay your bills first.

[Calmandfocused]

One thing is crystal clear to me from what you’ve written: 
 

If you want a LTR with this lady you will have to bank roll her. This is what she wants and this is what she expects.
 

Paying for her is “your job” (according to her perspective) She’s probably after the same lifestyle as her friend with the millionaire boyfriend. 
 

Except you’re not a millionaire. And even if you were you’re not obligated to pay for anyone. 
 

Remember that every $10 she takes from you she is taking food out of your daughters mouths and clothes off their back. 
 

Why can’t she pay for her own medication? 
 

Kindly point out that it’s not your responsibility for pay for her needs. Yes you pay for the dates, but that’s because you want to, not because you have to. You don’t owe her a thing. 
 

Im dying to know if she would be willing to pay for your meds if the shoe was on the other foot? Hmmmm…,

Be careful you’re not being used Op because my sense is that you are.
 

The emotional manipulations  are starting …
 

 

Edited April 3, 2023 by Calmandfocused

[Ami1uwant]

Three things that jump out at me

 

1.  Does she have health insurance, does she refuse to get care

2. can she afford her stuffer, including the horse. 
3. after dating is established, I expect some amount of equity in paying for dates.

[spiderowl]

If I had been dating someone for five months and cared about them, I would have no qualms about paying for an anaesthetic for them, unless perhaps I was in financial difficulty and it would put a great strain on me or tip me into debt. Even then, I would be all about putting her first.

The above aside, it is odd that she only went to the doc because a rich friend paid, especially if she can afford new clothes. On the other hand, I don’t know what the appt/investigation would have cost - maybe it was more than a normal budget and her friend persuaded her to get the investigation done. 

You obviously have doubts about whether this woman is being fair and paying her way. Has this doubt been eating away at you for a while?  I suspect so.  If she can afford to pay for meals, then she should offer sometimes or half the times. It seems you feel taken advantage of.

Personally, I would not have quibbled over payment for an anaesthetic if I truly cared for someone. Asking her to buy the drinks or contribute to petrol would have been more appropriate. That you chose the anaesthetic as the crunch point suggests to me that you don’t care about her and that you are suspicious of her motives. I have no knowledge of what the truth is about her motives but you two do not have a loving and trusting relationship. 

She was facing possibly a scary procedure and could well have forgotten to offer to pay. Regardless, she was right to end the relationship and you were probably right in thinking she was an entitled person.