Had to choose between 2 people, hurt 1, feeling really bad

[CalipsoRose]

I was dating 2 guys and both of them told me they were in love with me. The Guy A asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed but for a few days I was talking to Guy B still because in my heart I honestly couldn't decide, I liked them both equally in different ways.

I ended up choosing Guy A because he asked to make things official before Guy B and because he seems the most promising in terms of future planning. Guy B I had more sexual chemistry/attraction to, but in terms of future planning, it seemed like there was a dead end. Both are equally very caring and supportive of me.

Guy B doesn't make nearly enough money to support himself as he still lives with his parents and he's 30 but he has a job that is passion-based, helping people in mental health. He gets paid for it, but not enough to live on his own right now and said he loves his job so, I was thinking about how the financial burden would fall on me if we ever lived together.

Guy A makes more money, lives alone, we have the same sleeping schedule (night owls) and has started talking about wanting to live together. Guy B is a morning person, I'm not. Obviously its not just about money - I'm not saying I chose Guy A for that reason but I am at an age where I'm wanting to settle down and they are too, so these kinds of topics become more and more important. It's not shallow, as I know I'm going to get those types of comments. It's a reality of life, finances are important in relationships.

Guy A does have jealousy issues. Guy B has insecurity issues.

When I told Guy B I cant see him anymore, he literally begged me to stay and said this is crushing his world. This made me want to cry because I didn't want to stop seeing him. I just felt like I had to otherwise Guy A would find out. Who knows it may not even work out with Guy A in a few months. Maybe I made the wrong choice and should have chosen Guy B - this is what has me feeling really upset right now and knowing how much it hurt Guy B, when I didn't even want to stop seeing him is really sad.

I need some advice. I couldn't continue seeing both of them as it would exhaust me (already has) and one of them is bound to find out.

[basil67]

Do you know that you don't have to pick either of them?

[Acacia98]

Your description of Guy A sounds a bit dry. Do you even feel passionate about him? What about guy B? You say they're both in love with you but you like both of them equally. Like. And you didn't like either of them strongly enough to end things with the other on your own initiative. You even sound apologetic about ending things with Guy B and like you only did it because Guy A would have found out.

if monogamy is genuinely what you want, then I don't think either guy is for you. If you want a poly-type arrangement, then neither guy is right for you either.

[CalipsoRose]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Do you know that you don't have to pick either of them?

what do you mean?

[CalipsoRose]

2 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Your description of Guy A sounds a bit dry.  

Im definitely not into poly relationships, I'm really monogamous which is why dating both of them was so exhausting. I'm an introvert, too. I literally had to schedule them at different times of the week and was constantly going out. It got to be too much for me. 

It sounds a bit dry with guy A because in terms of sexual chemistry, guy B was hotter. I'll just put it that way. 

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

what do you mean?

It sounds like neither of them were right for you.   There will be a better fit who you haven't met yet.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long have you known either of them?

It seems very rushed. 

[JTSW]

I'm guessing this is also you. 

As many have said, I don't either one of them is right for you.

And when they find out that you have been seeing them both the choice will be out of your hands.

You wont have anyone to chose between.

Edited April 4, 2023 by JTSW

[ZA Dater]

Sounds to me like you are in fortunate position to be able to choose!

That being said, maybe choose neither and find someone who blends the best of A and B? Why settle for either?

[Veryconfused004]

I’m my opinion it is better to see only one person at a time to avoid situations like this. If you’re only seeing or actively seeking a relationship with one person at a time then this won’t happen. It avoids you having feelings for more than one person at a time.

[mark clemson]

On 4/3/2023 at 10:34 PM, CalipsoRose said:

Guy A does have jealousy issues. Guy B has insecurity issues.

I need some advice. I couldn't continue seeing both of them as it would exhaust me (already has) and one of them is bound to find out.

Jealousy issues ARE insecurity issues. Just a particular sub-type.

That is not to say I'm arguing against your choice. You seem to have made up your mind, which isn't always easy.

Sounds like you need to tell "guy B" it's over.

It sounds like you didn't tell guy A you were multi-dating. That probably wasn't a good idea if he has jealousy issues, but c'est la vie. Hopefully he won't hold it against you.

You might consider telling guy A you were multi-dating. IF he flips out and ends things, well it's probably better that happens now rather than e.g. when you're about to get married and he suddenly is having second thoughts when you mention this in order to "tie up the loose end"/not feel guilty about it.

Not saying that's the "best" thing to do, just something to consider. In a way who else you dated in the past before committing to each other is "none of his business" BUT in a way it's potentially self-sabotaging to tell him later if a "lifetime commitment" is to be established and this fact might really upset him. Especially if there's other ways he could find out. Even if you weren't committed at that point, he might feel "cheated on" which as you no doubt know can be a big deal for anybody, and particularly for those with jealousy issues.

Edited April 5, 2023 by mark clemson

[Els]

 

On 4/4/2023 at 3:34 PM, CalipsoRose said:

in my heart I honestly couldn't decide, I liked them both equally in different ways.

My honest thought is that if you are ever in a situation where you are finding it difficult to choose between two people, neither of them is right for you. When you fall in love with someone and want to be in a relationship with them, you'll KNOW.

Also, there's absolutely nothing wrong with requiring your partner to be able to support himself. I don't see why anyone would call you shallow for that.

[princessaurora]

22 hours ago, Els said:

My honest thought is that if you are ever in a situation where you are finding it difficult to choose between two people, neither of them is right for you. When you fall in love with someone and want to be in a relationship with them, you'll KNOW.

This right here is so true. I was with a type like Guy A when I met Guy B. I knew within 5 minutes of talking to him, Guy A would soon be history. It wasn't a matter of whether I was going to choose A or B. It was a matter of  how I was going to break things to A because he was so in love with me. But the heart wants what it wants and I couldn't ignore that.The chemistry and attraction with B was so intense before we even kissed. It was like a magnetic force field pulling me to him and once we got physical it went off the charts. We've been married for over 20 years and still have that same connection. If you are truly torn, neither of them is right for you. Having equal romantic feelings for two people at the same time is the stuff of rom-coms. When it happens, you'll know without a doubt who you should be with. 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

On 4/3/2023 at 10:34 PM, CalipsoRose said:

Guy A does have jealousy issues. Guy B has insecurity issues.

Could this be because you’re so undecided? Honestly when you’re really into someone they know. In this case you’re not really into either of these guys which makes them feel jealous / insecure. And that’s the point folks are making. Time to move on from both these guys.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you really need to keep dating.

Anytime you randomly choose someone, as if out of a hat, then something ain't right.  People aren't interchangeable and you're treating the gus like tennis shoes. I like the color of this one, but the leather on the other will last longer.

You are disconnected from yourself and treating these guys like objects. 

[LadyLul]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 month. We are still getting to know each other. Last night we had our first "real fight" where we argued pretty intensely. Ive noticed a controlling & jealous side to him that I tend to ignore but last night it came to a head. We were sitting on the couch and I was on my phone, if anyone has an iPhone you know if you swipe left it'll have "memories" where it features a photo from like three years ago or something automatically.

It just so happens that a picture of my ex boyfriend and me from years ago came up. Out of my control. He saw that and I explained to him that its a feature on the iPhone. He said "How would you feel if a picture of me and my ex came up on my phone?" Ok fair enough but again I had no control over that. He asked me to delete the photo and even though I really liked the photo because it was of me from years ago when I was younger, I deleted it.

Then at dinner, he cooked us a pizza. He always eats at the table so I sat down with my plate of pizza while he was standing in the kitchen still, with his plate of pizza, and he was microwaving rice, chicken and broccoli on the side. I took a bite of my pizza and he said "Why cant you wait for me before you start eating?" Well in my head, he was microwaving something else and he had his pizza too. I guess its just a matter of being raised differently, maybe I'm in the wrong for not having dinner etiquette, I dont know but the way he said it was really rude and condescending almost in a scolding manner. He was standing in the kitchen with his plate of pizza, microwaving something else that I wasn't going to eat. I took one bite of mine. He could have literally done the same. We were 2 feet from each other.

I said sorry and kinda laughed it off. We sat there eating together for awhile. Then I finished eating and bought my plate to the trash, he said "So you're not even gonna wait until I'm done eating?" Again, kinda rude but I guess I should have just sat there? I think there's a difference with how we were raised because he said he always ate dinner with his family at the table and I didn't grow up like that..I just dont like his condescending nit picking tone like I'm a dog or something.

He also scolds me whenever I say "oh my god" because he says its blasphemy. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

I think he's trying to assert dominance on me and its not going over very well. It made me so annoyed. I brushed it off and didn't say anything, just oops sorry you're right, my bad and sat back down. Then, he said "Babe I dont like your purse on the floor there. Put it on the shelf where I told you to put it." I ALWAYS keep it on the shelf he tells me to put it on. It was there because I was using it. It was against the wall, out of the way, next to the couch. I said "I can put my purse on the ground if I want to babe, please stop being difficult." We got into a fight about this for the next hour. I wasn't yelling but I raised my voice and was talking sternly and he did the same.

He literally makes the most ridiculous little things into huge issues. I said please stop making such a big deal about minutia. It doesn't even matter. Its so stupid to argue about my purse being on the floor! He said "It matters to me." He said he didn't like how I responded to him. I didn't like how he nit picks everything. It makes me feel uncomfortable!

We spent the rest of the night not talking on the couch and he gets up and goes to the bedroom, to go to sleep, without speaking to me. I walk into the room and I say, so we're not even going to make up? You're just gonna ignore me and go to bed? Another argument happened because he said I was starting sh*t again. No. I was trying to smooth things over actually. I refuse to be the only one who apologizes over something he started. He had the nerve to tell me that I started the fight. I said no, the little remarks you made all night that I chose to look past, built up and I couldn't take it anymore.

After dinner, he immediately got up and washed his dishes. He said I would appreciate it if you offered to help clean. There was literally one pan, and he was already washing it. There was no time for me to even get up and help him. He was already doing it!

My boundary was crossed and I blew up. Now I'm wondering if its my fault or his. He's making me feel like its my fault. Even on the drive home he said "This isn't going to work if you react that way again." I felt the same way honestly! Why is he making such a huge issue about little things?? Am I wrong?

Edited April 7, 2023 by LadyLul

[ExpatInItaly]

All of this drama after only one month?

I would be seeing myself out. And I would have no further contact with him. It's not working, OP. Time to find a new boyfriend. And in the future, don't ignore the red flags. 

[Veryconfused004]

I would say he is a bit controlling. The whole thing with the picture I get. Most people don’t have a need to keep pictures of them and their exes around. It’s just unnecessary and nobody wants to see those pictures and be reminded of the last relationship. But other than that he seems extremely controlling and you may be better just confronting him with how you feel. Do it in a nice way and if takes it wrong then that’s on him. He seems a bit immature.

[Lisa]

@CalipsoRose and @LadyLul are the same member.