I think I've fallen in love with my friend while still with my girlfriend

[ministrycereal]

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now. We met at work and everything went very slowly, but it's meant we have a strong foundation. She has pretty much every quality I would look for in a partner if someone asked me to make a list of what I wanted. But the sexual side of the relationship has been lacking - right from the start. In the first year I just thought it was because she wanted to take things slow. But I've realised now I don't think it will ever improve - and now any sexual attraction or chemistry that was once there has gone. Obviously a relationship is not just about this - but it is a factor - and although many other parts of the relationship are really strong, this feels like a big problem. 

Meanwhile - I've known my friend - let's call her B - much longer as we went to university and subsequently lived together. I'd never really seen her in this way - she doesn't have lots of the relationship qualities I'd usually look for, and I always just viewed her as a best friend. But in the past year - since we were no longer living together - she started being much more romantically interested and flirty with me, and I was surprised by this but did like the attention and played along. She has been with her partner for 5+ years so is also in a long-term relationship despite all of this. We went on a couple of dates, held hands, kissed, etc. but I still never thought for a moment that I would see myself in a relationship with her. 

But recently I've been feeling very down about the whole situation (and I'm aware this can't be good as everyone involved is being hurt here) - and I suddenly realised that actually I am in love with my friend, B, and that I wanted to do things properly and be with her. She'd even said she wanted this too - over message, though it was while she had been drinking. I told her the next day that I felt like this and that I was ready to make the leap and go ahead with ending the relationship I was in to be with her. But then she decided that - although she wanted that future too - she didn't want to hurt her partner in that way, and that her decision was to stay in her relationship. However she's asked to keep everything exactly the same between us - so the flirty messages etc. and talking about being together she wants to continue, even though she's told me she doesn't want to end her relationship to actually be with me. 

I'm so confused by all this. I genuinely have this really strange feeling of being broken hearted but at the same time I don't know if I've just got carried away because I got a bit of attention from someone I have a sexual attraction to, and that it's all snowballed from there. Equally I know I need to be open with my girlfriend about how I am feeling - and I will have that conversation with her. But I am seeking some advice on what to do about my friend, girl B. She is a really close friend and I would absolutely hate to lose her by blocking her because I'm confused and hurting. What am I feeling? I genuinely don't know - but right now all I can think about is being in a relationship with her, and the fact that she's led me to believe it could happen and then crushed that from actually happening. 

All comments welcome, thank you

[JTSW]

Firstly, you need to break up with your current gf.

Your heart isn't there anymore so don't keep her hanging on a string.

Then you tell your friend that she cant have it both ways, her bf and an emotional relationship with you.

That if she remains in her current relationship then you can only be friends, not flirty future talk.

Tell her if she wants a future with you then she knows where to find you.

[stillafool]

Basically your friend wants to stay with her boyfriend and cheat on him with you.  That's not fair to you or her boyfriend.  I agree you need to break up with your gf since you aren't feeling it with her anymore, let her go.  If I were you I'd break up with the gf and find another girl.  Definitely not your friend who just wants a fantasy relationship with you while still holding onto her bf.

[ShyViolet]

You have two separate issues here.  Let's forget about girl B for a second.  Even if there was no "girl B" in the picture, you need to break up with your current girlfriend.  You say that all sexual attraction and chemistry is now gone.  This is absolutely a valid reason to end a relationship.  It's not superficial or small.  This relationship has run its course and it's time to face that and not waste any more time in a dead relationship.  "Girl B" should not be the reason for the breakup, because it is not.

Now, once you deal with that situation, you need to take some time before you think about jumping into another relationship.  And it certainly doesn't make sense to pine over someone who is in another relationship and has told you that they have decided to stay in their relationship.  She is not available.  

Did you ever consider that once you get out of your dead relationship, there will be other women out there who you could be happy with?  "Girl B" is not the only other woman in the world.

[MaxxNY]

B is keeping you around as plan B, (no pun intended) in case things do not work out with her current BF. I venture to guess that the lack of principles and values you noticed about her, is still there. However, since things got flirty and exciting you are no longer looking at things objectively. Even if she was to leave her current boyfriend for you, its very likely that the same core values that brought her into your arms will also bring her towards another once the honeymoon stage is over. 

My advice? Tell B that its not fair for you or the other guy, and you are simply not interested. 

Sit down with your GF, and talk to her about your sex life. Perhaps she is willing to work with you to spice things up. Give yourself X weeks/months and if that does not work move on to someone who checks off all your boxes. 

[Measure]

A couple things you need to be extremely aware of are:

1)  Sexual incompatibility is no small thing.

2)  Confusing the "love" you have for a friend with "romantic" love is a HUGE mistake.

As ShyViolet mentioned you have 2 seperate issues here.  If you love the woman you are with you should definitely try to communicate with her in regards to the sexual incompatibility though I warn you this must be done tactfully.  Also, in my experience, in the end, it's not going to help.  Incomparibility is just that.  Ideally, if the conversation is approached properly, concessions and attempts will be made by both of you but I can tell you, in the end, in my experience, it will not be enough.  The strength of the love you both feel for each other will be the determining factor.

As far as your friend.  You already mentioned you don't think she would be a good partner.  Is she truly your friend.  If so do you care if she remains your friend long into the future?  I can tell you if you have sex with her it will absolutely change the dynamics of your friendship.  If you have sex with her now, while you are dealing with sexual incompatibility issues with your partner... well, I promise you it will most likely end badly.

If you are going to get with your "friend" do it for the right reasons.  Don't use a friendship as a back scratcher.

[smackie9]

Ask her how she feels about you, and if she is interested in you romantically....no fiddle farting around, just ask. Then take it from there.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you were on auto-pilot in your main relationship. BTW: not having sexual chemistry two years in is disastrous for a relationship. That's not even a relationship--it's a friendship if you aren't really turned on by her. Being turned on is HUGE! and quite necessary. Not sufficient of course, but necessary. You make a mistake to pretend that is some minor superficial matter. And yes, going slow should have stopped by now. 

This is the most leverage  you will ever have. You need to tell your partner you are miserable and you want some real chemistry. You're tired of going slow and you think going slow was really some kind of trick (sounds to me) to avoid sexual and physical closeness. You need to tell her you need more or just break up. 

On B, hmmmmmm ... she quickly let it be known that she doesn't want to leave her current relationship. She hid behind not wanting to hurt his feelings. That's a load of nonsense. It's nonsense if she really did that--because we don't want to stay in a relationship to prevent someone else from feeling disappointment. So that line of thinking is dumb. But it's also dumb for her to shove this lame line of reasoning at you. Sounds to me that B definitely does NOT want to pair up with you in a full romantic way. I think that "don't want to hurt bf's feelings" was a stronger "no" than you seem to think. 

So I'm going to say you can't have B--except on the side, which is nuts and never works out well. 

Decide what you want out of main relationship.