My boyfriend (22M) has depression, and I don't know what to do. I wish I could be more understanding.

[anchi]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years, and we’ve had our ups and downs like every couple does.
He, however, struggles with depressive episodes that usually come in waves. Although it had happened a few times before, and lasted a few weeks, it got particularly bad a few months ago.

In November, he began feeling down and it had been going downhill since then. He would constantly ’ghost’ me for a few days to week, would rarely reply, and never seemed excited to talk to me. I begged him so many times not to just leave and at least tell me before he does, because I have BPD and my anxiety and paranoia is over the roof.

This lack of communication and emotional neglect caused me to break up with him in January, which didn’t last long.
He messaged me every week or two saying he missed me and regretted that it got to this point, and after a month of him constantly breaking no contact, this caused my brain to basically FORCE me to get back with him. I said I would stay with him through thick and thin, even though he warned me that if we get back together, he can’t promise that everything will be the way it was and that he’s still not 100% mentally okay. 

I definitely should’ve waited more, because since February, things haven’t been the best. Of course, since we got back together, there were good moments, but I could FEEL that things weren’t the same.
He started going to therapy every day, got on meds for his ADHD; but I noticed that he would sometimes not talk to me for hours, but still chose to talk to his friends. His libido is extremely low and it has kinda making me feel insecure and unwanted. 
My BPD made me lash at him a few times because of this, and he always apologized and said that he prefaced that can’t give me 100% of him - and still no change.

Then, this would pass, and we would have our few good days again. We would talk about our future, hang out, joke around, send each other tiktoks and all that.

But four days ago we had a fight because he ghosted me for a whole day again. I told him that I understand his need for space, and that I only ever begged him to TELL ME beforehand. He said I should’ve taken the hint when he said he ‘was exhausted’ and that at this point there’s no need for him to tell me directly.
Two days later I realized that we need to have a very serious conversation about wether we should continue this or not, and that if we do, we need to work really hard on our communication and fulfilling each other’s needs. However, when I asked him if we can talk, he said ‘Not today’ and we haven’t talked since then. I even sent him a message saying I love him and that I’ll wait for when he’s ready to talk - and no reply.

I also wanted to say that although I’ve been ignored, he still talks to his friends and seems perfectly fine. I don’t know if that’s a facade, but it’s really making me doubt that he still loves me. He didn’t use to be like this - he was always excited to talk to me and never in my life would I have imagined that he would be okay with ghosting me for days and ignoring me ‘I love you’ messages. 

So, to the people who struggle with depression - please, please, tell me how I can deal with this. How can I support him, when he obviously doesn’t need my help and would rather be alone or with his friends? Should I take this personally, and think that he doesn’t love me the same anymore? Is it selfish of me to feel lonely and unloved? Is it selfish of me to think that his friends mean more to him than I do?

(btw, this badly triggered my BPD and i sent him paragraphs of me saying how miserable I am and that we should never talk again. I don’t know if he saw it or not, but I had a gut feeling that I shouldn’t have said that and that we should work things out. I deleted it, but I don’t know if he saw it and maybe that’s what’s preventing him for having a ‘serious talk’ with me.
I plan to offer him to either talk everything out and figure out how to fix our relationship, or he can break up.)

[JTSW]

I feel for you anchi, I really do.

It sounds to me that he just wants to keep you around for security.

This isn't fair to you when you have allot to deal with yourself.

He's getting therapy which is great but he's still not giving you the time of day.

He's happy to talk to and hang out with his friends though.

I have suffered pretty bad with depression but I never ghosted/ignored the people I love.

I think it's time you walked away because he is not good for you or your health.

Focus on you now.

[ExpatInItaly]

This man is never going to give you the relationship you would like. 

He's not that guy. It's time to let him go. Sooner or later it's going to end, and it will not be worth destroying yourself emotionally in the process. 

[stillafool]

It sounds like he's trying to break away from you little by little.  You're correct that if he's not so depressed that he can talk to and be around his friends; but can't do the same with you, someone he's supposed to love, he just doesn't want to.  I would suggest you pull back and stop chasing after him. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, anchi said:

My BPD made me lash at him a few times because of this, and he always apologized and said that he prefaced that can’t give me 100% of him - and still no change.

 

Focus solely on your own wellbeing and physical and mental health. Take a break from dating and especially dating men incapable of satisfying your relationship needs.

He's not ready willing or able to have a relationship. Or simply doesn't want to. Don't try to fix him.  Focus on yourself. He has friends, family, therapists, doctors, etc he can turn to for help, if he wants.

[Lotsgoingon]

You are not his therapist and you are not his fixer and you couldn't be either one if you tried 36 hours a day.

He needs to get that depression treated--aggressively. With therapy, meds or with (as is best in my view) therapy and meds. Until he gets the depression in remission, he cannot date. He can't function as a dating partner.

Friends can not treat our depression. Yes, friends can offer some compassion. Sure. And some encouragement to go get help. Trying to "talk them out of" the depression--that NEVER works.

Your standard in dating him needs to be much higher than you are showing here. You do not lower your standard because he is depressed. In other words, stay with your anger over him disappearing. And really sounds like you need dump this guy. 

[FMW]

I've been involved for almost four years with someone with diagnosed ADHD and Depression, he's on medication for both.  In that four years there has been one time he had a little flip out or breakdown and for 48 hours I was sure our relationship was over. I doubt I'll ever forget how that felt.  I finally accepted that there's only so much I can do to help him, he's got to take responsibility for his issues.  Since then our relationship has grown closer and deeper, but that's because I learned to stop over-functioning and not allow his problems to pull me into any turmoil he may be feeling on occasion.  He recognized on his own, without my having to say anything, that he would lose me if he didn't take responsibility for staying on top of his medication.  I see and appreciate his efforts to do what needs to be done and to show me I'm important to him.  That allows me to feel secure and recognize when I need to go do my own thing and let him figure it out on his own.   

A difference I see with what you have described is that when my guy distanced himself from me he also distanced himself from everyone else as well.  A very big issue is that you are dealing with your own BPD.  That makes it very difficult for you to be able to accommodate whatever he's dealing with.  His need for space is not compatible with your anxiety issues and your own needs.  He's either unable or unwilling to meet you in the middle.  Either way, it's making your own challenges more difficult.   

For your own good, put your focus on yourself, take it off of him.  Spend time with people who make you feel safe and understood, and do things that make you happy.  His issues are his own to deal with, you can bend yourself into a pretzel and still never be able to change things for him or with him.  If you allow yourself some time and space away from him you might see this all more clearly.  Step back and see what he does.     

[Kylethemalteser]

Its not easy for a person who has ADHD and depression. I too have ADHD but I don't think I have ever had depression. 

ADHD people often find some other people who comfort him because we are afraid of neglection and that the person we are in a relationship might not understand us. Im not saying its ok, but that how the brain functions. But it also could mean that he was mirroring you so he could have that level of high dopamine, so I would recommend keeping your distance when he keeps it. and when you are both ok talk about it. If he really wants it to be back to normal, ADHD people will be a lot determined to do so. 

 

[flitzanu]

<- Major Depressive Disorder, and chemical resistance to many medications used to treat depression -- > and to answer your inquiry, my condition does not give me an excuse to be a jerk to someone that i supposedly care about.

if someone is literally ignoring you for days on end while still being social with other people, that's because he doesn't want to deal with you, that's nothing to do with mood disorders.

[stillafool]

I think he's using the excuse of being depressed to be away from you.  I'm sorry if that stings but if he's out having fun with his friends and is only feeling depressed when with you, that's a problem.  It sounds like he wants out of the relationship but feels trapped.  Sooner or later he's going to end it for good.

[stillafool]

On 4/4/2023 at 8:11 AM, anchi said:

But four days ago we had a fight because he ghosted me for a whole day again. I told him that I understand his need for space, and that I only ever begged him to TELL ME beforehand. He said I should’ve taken the hint when he said he ‘was exhausted’ and that at this point there’s no need for him to tell me directly.

Going without talking to you a whole day is not ghosting.  It's taking a break.  If you understand his need for a break why did you bother to say anything about him taking that break for a day?  It sounds like he feels smothered by you. 

[anchi]

Long story short: been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He has been dealing with really bad depression since November. We broke up because of that in January, got back together a month later, then broke up again yesterday.

(He is the one who reached out to me after two weeks of no contact when we first broke up. We would check up on each other every week, and he said he regretted that he let it get to this point and that he misses me and loves me. It is my fault though, that I insisted on getting back together even though he DID tell me that he is still not 100% okay.)

The two months that we’ve been together since the ‘break’ was pretty.. hard. It just wasn’t the same, my partner had extremely low libido, was on meds, and just couldn’t fulfill my needs. We had several fights about him ignoring me for hours or days, and I got so badly triggered last time that it resulted in us breaking up. (I sent the breakup text)

He apologized for not realizing that he is not ready to be in a relationship, that he couldn’t love me because he doesn’t love himself, and said that he needs to be alone and heal by himself. I have BPD so this, again, triggered me really badly. He kept saying that this has nothing to do with me: that he still loves me, but really needs time for himself to heal.

 

I would like advice only from those who deal with depression or have broken up because of it. 
Do I trust that he still loves me? Is it really difficult to stay in a relationship when you’re dealing with depression? Did you reach out to your ex when you finally felt okay? Should I even wait for him, or is it really over this time?

 

I asked him if this is forever, and he said he is in no place to give me a definite answer or promise me that things will go back to normal. I’m just scared that he’s using depression as an excuse, and that he just doesn’t love me anymore. 

[FMW]

In my experience, if you're involved with someone with depression you have to judge the situation on your own, not on what the depressed person says they will do or even how they say they feel about you.  Based on their actions, if you are not happy with the relationship, then you end it and stay away.  If they are truly depressed, or have any other type of emotional/mental issues, there is only so much they can do  (medication, therapy, etc.) to control how they feel and act in order to be what you need/want them to be.  If their best does not work for you, then you need to end the relationship and don't look back.  Don't get hung up on wondering if they really are doing all they can or if they are using it as an excuse.  Look at their actions and base your decision on that.

Not everyone is cut out to handle such  a relationship  (probably most people are not) and there is no shame in recognizing it isn't going to work for you and moving on.  

[basil67]

I broke up with my ex-h largely due to what I now believe was his depression (it wasn't diagnosed back in the 90's).   It was the best thing I ever did, and the biggest gain was to my own mental health.   I met the love of my life just a few months later - that was 30 years ago and it's still good.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, anchi said:

I’m just scared that he’s using depression as an excuse, and that he just doesn’t love me anymore.

Unfortuately, there is no way we can tell you either. And in the end, it doesn't really change anything. 

All you can do is understand and accept that he can't give you the relationship you want. He might deeply care about you but also recognize that this isn't working and that he needs to let you go. Do not wait for him. After 2 break-ups, it's not going to work a third time around.

It will hurt for a while but you will be okay. Give yourself time to heal, and avoid further contact with him. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, anchi said:

  I got so badly triggered last time that sent the breakup text

 I’m just scared that he’s using depression as an excuse, 

 He seems quite sincere that he is struggling with mental health issues and can't sustain a relationship at this time.  It's also possible that because you broke up with him, he needs some space to reflect.

[anchi]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I’m just trying to understand how depression works, as I don’t have it myself and can’t even comprehend how bad it can get. Some of you made me understand it better, so thank you. 

I will wait for him, that’s for sure, but I also understand everyone who’s telling me to move on and forget him. I respect him as a person, and I don’t want to let depression take him away from me forever. If space is what’s needed for us right now, so be it, and even if we don’t talk again, I’ll appreciate the moments we spent together. And if he’s genuinely sincere, takes this time alone to heal, and comes back when he’s himself again, then I’ll know waiting for him wasn’t for nothing.

[ExpatInItaly]

For context, how old are you both, OP?

How frequently did you meet in person?  

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

For context, how old are you both, OP?

How frequently did you meet in person?  

I think he is 22 and OP is 19.

[FMW]

On 4/9/2023 at 9:31 AM, anchi said:

I will wait for him, that’s for sure

I don't think that's a good idea.  You need to go ahead and live your life, including being open to meeting other men you might connect with.  I'm not saying you have to actively seek to date, but don't be closed to a possibility with someone else if it happens to come along. 

You can stay open to him reaching out to you, but waiting for him indicates an expectation that he will be ready to be in a relationship with you soon.  Don't put yourself on hold.  

[central]

You're both too young IMO to commit to anything long term with each other, and he certainly isn't husband material at this time, given both his attitude, immaturity, and depression (I didn't see that he is on meds for that, just for ADHD). Most meds will further decrease his libido, anyway.

You can do much better, I"m sure. Be his friend if he needs that (although he has male friends he seems to prefer!), but end the romantic relationship and move on.

[mortensorchid]

I've been there and back with my own mental health issues and trying to deal with others who have theirs.  [ ] a former LDR that was suffering from a major depressive disorder, and I had another flash in the pan bf who had some kind of disorder (I couldn't tell you the name now) which had caused him to be hospitalized.  [ ]  However, you reach a point with them that you know there is only so much you can do and something has to come from within them to do something about it.  I am no longer friends with any of them because they either lashed out at me or refused to do their parts in the relationship.

Don't adapt this "I can change" or "I can help" this person, because that will lead you down a path where you will be taken advantage of.  Chances are they go through people like Kleenex, there is a reason. 

 

Edited May 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
armchair dx/civility