My (F26) boyfriend (M27) keeps bringing my past and it hurts.

[Mandyyy-]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We have had our ups and downs. Around 6 months ago he found me on an old website. 2 years ago, I was sexually abused on my birthday, I made the police report, the case is still on hold because it was too painful for me to follow up with that, no one was supporting me. After that, I had severe depression for 2 years, I started to drink a lot and to hang out with bad companies, one of them convinced me to work as an escort and I did it for a week but I felt worse so I stopped. I made some changes, I stopped drinking alcohol, started therapy and cut some bad friendships.

I found out that my boyfriend has a porn addiction and that is how he found this old post of 2 years ago. He didn’t broke up with me but he says that his perception about me changed, that it was a trauma for him, he constantly asks me why I did it, sometimes he tries to breakup with me over that but then he regret it’s. 

It has been a little better, he managed his porn addiction but 2 weeks ago he was being rude for no reason so he brought up the topic again. He says that I need to understand that for him it was a shock to see me on that website, he says that no other men would have forgive me for that. I felt so bad that I tried to grab my things and leave but then he started being nice again and comforted me.

I have no one to talk about this, he has made me believe that he accepts me and that no one else would want me but then he brings the subject back and I have to make him feel better even though it was a painful moment in my life. Is hard for me to leave the relationship and to be honest I just need an small push.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t trust me, he hates when I go out and is constantly asking me if I would cheat on him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Get rid of this guy. He is bad news

He is right that many will not be understanding of your past work. However, the fact that he now knows and chooses to stay anyway means he absolutely does not get to hold it over your head and punish you for it. He is using this fact to manipulate you and emotionally blackmail you. 

I would dump him before the sun goes down today. 

 

Edited April 4, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[Mandyyy-]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Get rid of this guy. He is bad news

He is right that many will not be understanding of your past work. However, the fact that he now knows and chooses to stay anyway means he absolutely does not get to hold it over your head and punish you for it. He is using this fact to manipulate you and emotionally blackmail you. 

I would dump him before the sun goes down today. 

 

He is constantly putting me down, if I wear a top that has a little of cleavage, even if we are just the 2 of us at his house he will say something like “you are going to get kidnapped” and then he will say is a joke. My self esteem is so bad now.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Mandyyy- said:

He is constantly putting me down, if I wear a top that has a little of cleavage, even if we are just the 2 of us at his house he will say something like “you are going to get kidnapped” and then he will say is a joke. My self esteem is so bad now.

This man is plain emotionally abusive. 

You need to get away from him as soon as possible. You deserve so much better. 

[Gaeta]

You have to be very proud of yourself for getting your life back on track. Very little people are able to turn their life around the way you did. You need a man that will understand that and celebrate your determination and will power to have done so, not someone judgmental be littling you the way your bf is doing. Actually every expression starting with *no other man would....* is a popular sentence used by manipulators and abusers. It's a way to keep you little under their power. 

My opinion is you need to get rid of this man asap, he's destroying your self-worth and it's something you worked really hard at building back. 

The world is full of good men that wouldn't give a heck about a 1 week escort job. 

[basil67]

Your question feels very familiar. Did you post about it before under a different name? 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Mandyyy- said:

it was a trauma for him

It was trauma for him? 

You were sexually assaulted but he wants you to support him because HE has been traumatized? 

I would end this relationship before the sun sets. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You really want to surround yourself with people who will love and support you and unfortunately, this guy isn’t one of those people. 

Edited April 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

@Mandyyy-: contact one of those companies that can delete your past presence on the web. You should not have to cary this history with you indefinitely.

[JTSW]

19 hours ago, Mandyyy- said:

he says that no other men would have forgive me for that.

He's disgusting for saying this. 

Any decent guy would be understanding and supportive.

This guy is just plain abusive and he will only get worse. 

You have nothing to feel bad about.

You never did anything wrong and he should NOT be treating you the way he has been.

I agree that you need to get away from him. 

Leave as soon as you can and don't listen to any of his manipulation tactics.

[stillafool]

He's never going to get over this or respect you.  If you want to be happy leave him immediately and hire a company to delete that content.

[smackie9]

Dude is a jerk. Dump him. 

[Will am I]

23 hours ago, Mandyyy- said:

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We have had our ups and downs. Around 6 months ago he found me on an old website. 2 years ago, I was sexually abused on my birthday, I made the police report, the case is still on hold because it was too painful for me to follow up with that, no one was supporting me. After that, I had severe depression for 2 years, I started to drink a lot and to hang out with bad companies, one of them convinced me to work as an escort and I did it for a week but I felt worse so I stopped. I made some changes, I stopped drinking alcohol, started therapy and cut some bad friendships.

I have some experience with abuse victims and I want you to know that the depression, the unhealthy coping methods (such as alcohol) and the "bad girl" behavior are common responses. Please do not feel guilty or ashamed about this, even the escort work. But do seek professional help.

About your current relationship: it may be too early for you to enter a steady relationship. Preferably you reach a certain measure of healing before entering into a relationship. 

 

  

23 hours ago, Mandyyy- said:

He says that I need to understand that for him it was a shock to see me on that website, he says that no other men would have forgive me for that.

This strikes me a control and manipulation. 

It's almost as if he's saying "no other man will want you".

Don't buy into this nonsense. A man with the right amount of confidence can deal with this.

Edited April 5, 2023 by Will am I

[Mandyyy-]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

I have some experience with abuse victims and I want you to know that the depression, the unhealthy coping methods (such as alcohol) and the "bad girl" behavior are common responses. Please do not feel guilty or ashamed about this, even the escort work. But do seek professional help.

About your current relationship: it may be too early for you to enter a steady relationship. Preferably you reach a certain measure of healing before entering into a relationship. 

 

  

This strikes me a control and manipulation. 

It's almost as if he's saying "no other man will want you".

Don't buy into this nonsense. A man with the right amount of confidence can deal with this.

Hi! Could you please explain to me why it is a common response after abuse? I had my first therapy session last Monday.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Mandy,

According to your first post in this thread, you were an alcoholic while being with your current boyfriend for a year.

"I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. [...] 2 years ago, I was sexually abused on my birthday [...] After that, I had severe depression for 2 years, I started to drink a lot and to hang out with bad companies, one of them convinced me to work as an escort and I did it for a week"

What is unclear is if you were an escort while being single for a year after being "sexually abused" (does that mean raped?) or while being with him. I think it happened before getting together with him or even before knowing him. Can you confirm?

"I found out that my boyfriend has a porn addiction" I wouldn't be OK with a porn addiction. He can justify himself all he wants but it wouldn't fly with me. He probably doesn't even have to justify himself because watching porn has been normalized over the years, and you don't seem to make a big deal out of it. Just playing cool, right? Couples can be accomplices, but when it's one-sided, it's very wrong and going to break the couple. Unless the other doesn't give a s-it about it, in which case it's like an open relationship. And he's not for an open relationship, because he's jealous. So he's just a hypocrite, criticizing women who sell sexual services or their bodies, but he's one of such users. LAME.

You didn't mention dumping him yet, so I hope for you that's going to happen pretty soon. For your overall well-being. Get rid of such toxic people. Yes, most regular guys wouldn't like the idea of their woman being an escort or having a past working as an escort, but I have faith in humanity. Everyone can make mistakes. Check your health, especially for an STD.

"he managed his porn addiction" You've known addiction, so don't just trust his word. You should know addicts can lie to get by.

"He says that I need to understand that for him it was a shock" A man who's with a victim of violence and is all me me me is definitely a jerk. You can't drop him soon enough. Why should you care about his shock when he can't care about what you went through and still dealing with?? He's looking for empathy while not showing any.

 

[Mandyyy-]

5 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

Hi Mandy,

According to your first post in this thread, you were an alcoholic while being with your current boyfriend for a year.

"I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. [...] 2 years ago, I was sexually abused on my birthday [...] After that, I had severe depression for 2 years, I started to drink a lot and to hang out with bad companies, one of them convinced me to work as an escort and I did it for a week"

What is unclear is if you were an escort while being single for a year after being "sexually abused" (does that mean raped?) or while being with him. I think it happened before getting together with him or even before knowing him. Can you confirm?

"I found out that my boyfriend has a porn addiction" I wouldn't be OK with a porn addiction. He can justify himself all he wants but it wouldn't fly with me. He probably doesn't even have to justify himself because watching porn has been normalized over the years, and you don't seem to make a big deal out of it. Just playing cool, right? Couples can be accomplices, but when it's one-sided, it's very wrong and going to break the couple. Unless the other doesn't give a s-it about it, in which case it's like an open relationship. And he's not for an open relationship, because he's jealous. So he's just a hypocrite, criticizing women who sell sexual services or their bodies, but he's one of such users. LAME.

You didn't mention dumping him yet, so I hope for you that's going to happen pretty soon. For your overall well-being. Get rid of such toxic people. Yes, most regular guys wouldn't like the idea of their woman being an escort or having a past working as an escort, but I have faith in humanity. Everyone can make mistakes. Check your health, especially for an STD.

"he managed his porn addiction" You've known addiction, so don't just trust his word. You should know addicts can lie to get by.

"He says that I need to understand that for him it was a shock" A man who's with a victim of violence and is all me me me is definitely a jerk. You can't drop him soon enough. Why should you care about his shock when he can't care about what you went through and still dealing with?? He's looking for empathy while not showing any.

 

I said that i drank a lot after that happened to me. I did the 1 week escort job 2 years before I met my boyfriend.

[justwhoiam]

40 minutes ago, Mandyyy- said:

I said that i drank a lot after that happened to me. I did the 1 week escort job 2 years before I met my boyfriend.

Ok, so the drinking didn't last long. But you were depressed for 2 years, so that means that you were depressed while being with your current boyfriend. This is simple math.

[ShyViolet]

You need to dump this guy immediately.  A boyfriend is supposed to be supportive, respect you and make you feel emotionally safe.  This guy is the opposite.  He's basically bullying you, using this thing from your past and holding it over you and throwing it in your face whenever he feels like it.  You shouldn't tolerate this.

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, Mandyyy- said:

Hi! Could you please explain to me why it is a common response after abuse? I had my first therapy session last Monday.

Abuse victims respond in a variety of ways. Some are what you might expect, but depending on age during the abuse and how it’s experienced it can flip all  ways. 

The big takeaway is thag you should not be ashamed and not feel weird about it.

I strongly support your decision to get a therapist. 

[Mandyyy-]

29 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

Ok, so the drinking didn't last long. But you were depressed for 2 years, so that means that you were depressed while being with your current boyfriend. This is simple math.

No, I’m sorry. I think I didn’t explain it very good. I was raped 2 years ago, on my 24 birthday. I did the police report, they took all the tests. I was heavily depressed , mostly the first year , specially because I didn’t have any support. My best friend and my mom were on mi side but my father hit me and blamed me for the abuse. I didn’t speak with my father for months until he apologized. He hit me because the day that he found out I came home drunk, yelled at him and my mother told him about the abuse. 

After that, I did some changes, I went to therapy, started taking meds (I’m not taking them anymore) and then I met my boyfriend almost a year ago.

 

Edited April 5, 2023 by Mandyyy-

[justwhoiam]

Ok, thanks for explaining. I guess you got mixed up while explaining then in your first post. Because you said you were depressed for 2 years, and the abuse happened two years ago. So I guess you were depressed for a year or so and then you met your bf and the depression ended.

[spiderowl]

On 4/4/2023 at 4:53 PM, Mandyyy- said:

He is constantly putting me down, if I wear a top that has a little of cleavage, even if we are just the 2 of us at his house he will say something like “you are going to get kidnapped” and then he will say is a joke. My self esteem is so bad now.

Actually, he sounds emotionally abusive. Abusive men often use the ‘no-one else would want you’ tactic to keep a woman under their thumb. They make unpleasant personal comments then claim to be joking. The idea is to erode self esteem. The message is ‘I can hurt you but you are not supposed to take it seriously.’ It’s called gaslighting. He probably feels very insecure that you are pretty enough to consider being an escort. It is threatening to him. It’s no excuse for emotional blackmail though.

Regardless of your background, he should not abuse you. If he can’t cope with what he sees as you not being honest with him from the start, then it’s best you split up. He’s going to hold this over your head for ever otherwise and you deserve someone accepting and loving, not a manipulator.