Would it be wrong to call an old friend I haven't spoken to in 10 years when I'm not ready to forgive them?

[Shenme]

Ten years ago a close friend betrayed me and I decided to cut him off. He repeatedly made a promise to me over the years that we would do something for the first time together, but then he broke the promise, and acted like it didn't matter, and that maybe I was insignificant to his ambitions. He instead did the thing he had promised to do with someone else that he had just met, and he didn't include me or apologize. (He has now married that person.)

We didn't communicate our differences well at the time and haven't spoken in that time. (We're both in our thirties.) When he betrayed me I expressed some anger at what he did, but he told me he didn't even want to argue about it. I furiously retorted that I didn't know who he was anymore, and not to bother to talk to me again.

Fast-forward and I've decided to get in touch with him again, and he told me he is ready to talk. (Although, it has been so long that I'm not sure if it would be better to sort things out through letters/e-mail or the phone.)

If I spoke over the phone then I might not articulate what I want to say as clearly, but when you write it can seem less personal and uncaring. I don't know if writing would make it harder to repair the friendship down the road, and I don't even know if I'm ready to forgive him and become friends again yet. I do want to tell him more clearly how I feel about what he did, even if it digs up old wounds, and leave the possibility for forgiveness in the future on the table.

I know that if we don't communicate then there is zero possibility of fixing things between us, and that distance between us is more likely to grow over time. Waiting until I'm ready to forgive him hasn't worked though, because I'm still angry at him for betraying me when we were close. I also am nervous that he could betray me again, because he can be insensitive, inconsiderate and selfish sometimes, and his personality naturally leads to what he did.

So we might not ever be as close again, and I'd always be more guarded around him, but it could still be worth repairing because we had a long and rich history together. I thought he was a good guy until he betrayed me, but he didn't show empathy when he did it.

At the time I was unsure of how much integrity he had, and I still am. My feelings about him are more complicated on my end. On his side it's probably a mixture of not seeing things the same way, not even thinking he betrayed me, or even worse, that he shouldn't feel sorry for doing what he wanted to do even if it hurt me. After all, he did marry the person he did the thing with so betraying me worked out well for him. He might just tell me again that he doesn't want to argue about it again, or that I'm projecting my own problems onto him. Since I haven't forgiven him I'm about to scold him what he did 10 years ago, even though he wasn't open to criticism back then and hasn't ever been. We used to get along because we avoided criticizing each other.

Am I about to do the right thing? He might not think he did me wrong, or that what he did mattered and hurt me enough for me to have blown up at him and told him that I didn't think he was my friend anymore. But he didn't apologize or show remorse either, even though I told him not to talk to me again, but I doubt he'll ever give me a sincere apology. After all, he might have broke a promise that mattered dearly to me, but he became happily married as a result.
 

Edited April 4, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify title

[basil67]

I can't imagine discarding a dear friend because they did something with their new partner instead of with me as planned.  Sure, I'd be disappointed and think about it for a few minutes, but the use of the word "betrayal" and ending the friendship is seriously overkill on your part.

Do not rehash the past - it will only serve to make you look petty and foolish.  You are massively overreacting so this is your baggage to sort out.   

Only contact him if you're willing apologise for your over reaction and are ready to let bygones be bygones.

 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Shenme said:

, he might have broke a promise that mattered dearly to me, but he became happily married as a result.

What was the promise he broke? Was there a romantic interest? You seem scorned .

Try to leave the past in the past.  Holding a grudge this long isn't good for your mental and physical health. 

 

[stillafool]

Sure you can go ahead and apologize; but he probably agreed to talk because he knows if it's still bothering you after this long and him being married he will go ahead and try to give you closure.  It certainly won't mean that you two will end up being friends or staying in contact because he now has a new life with his wife.  If he tells her about you she probably won't want you hanging around as their friend because she'll think you're still carrying a torch for him, otherwise why would you need to talk.  He's probably not going to even stay in contact with you because frankly, it's inappropriate.   I don't think after talking to him things are going to end up the way you want them to.

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, Shenme said:

I don't even know if I'm ready to forgive him and become friends again yet.

What’s your endgame then? I don’t get it. He has other priorities now, he’s married to somebody else. The woman he “betrayed” you with - what exactly do you expect from him at this point? 

That would be my main question. Seems more important than deciding whether to call or to put it all in writing. 
 

 

[JTSW]

Without knowing what it is that he did without you its hard to comment.

It can't be that big seeing as he don't think it should matter.

Your post reads like you greatly overreacted and held a grudge for over 10 years.

It sounds like you were hoping to get into a relationship with him but he met someone else and you are very bitter about it.

He has moved on and happily married so why do you want to drag it all back up now?

Are you looking to cause issues in his marriage? 

I would say stay away from him and try to let this go.

What are you expecting from him?