Extremely Heartbroken

[Stargazer01]

We dated for 6 months. 39,38 y/o.  I have a job in healthcare, been in the industry since I   was 16. I don't smoke and drink occasionally. Maybe a cocktail once a week.  I met this man on dating site. He was straight forward with me since the beginning. Smokes about 10 joints a day, no job for about 2 years, sells weed-maybe about a $500 profit a month. We went out on three dates and I broke it off due to our lifestyles not aligning. 

He texted me about a month later and I agreed to another date. Ended up falling for this man. He had gotten a job and was due to start in a month due to his disability benefits expiring. We did a lot of road trips-that we mutually funded. Fast forward 3 months in he starts changing with me. By this time we're spending the night every night, I'm washing his clothes. I feel far more invested than him. I don't know what happened. It's like when I first felt a bit of coldness from him something triggers inside me and I try to make things better instead of backing off. 

The past 2 months he has started to have a short fuse with me, no patience, and just irritable. He has started to cuss at me when we argue. Didn't tell me f you or call me names. Just uses a lot of profanity when arguing. We broke up last week due to this. He crossed a line. He called me a stupid ass, blaming me for talking to me this way. He said " I will hammer [ ] you to hurt you with words because you're hurting me". He was upset because he was going to pick up weed and was waiting for me to go with him and i cause him to be a 1/2 hr late.  The whole way he was telling me things. How he cant wait to get rid of me, why did you come, you're wasting my life...and on.  He has done this before but not to this extent. And I always end up apologizing and saying I'll be better to not upset him. 

The reason he says it's my fault was because in the beginning of our relation ship I questioned him a lot. He hasn't been in a relationship in 5 years. Has always cheated on his girlfriends. Told me that the night before some girl had texted him at midnight for s*x.  How am i supposed to feel? Insecure and a little cautious of course. I would ask for reassurance a lot. But not grand things. I just wanted a sentence. Like...we'll figure this out together kinda statements. 

Looking back I could see he has anger issues possibly. First month we dated, he rolled down his windows and yelled at a cyclist "shut [ ] up before i throw you off your bike [ ]". I asked what happened...and he said nothing this fool flipped me off he thought i cut him off. I thought to myself i would have just told the guy sorry bro with a hand gesture. Noted...but i didn't think anything of it. He told me of an incident he had on the fwy with his kids. Road rage and he started tailgating the other driver. I just told him he shouldn't do that with his teens in the car. About 2 weeks ago he we were both sick at his house sleeping in the afternoon. His mom called to check up on him and he was sooo upset. [ ]  why is she calling, she just woke me up when i was starting to fall asleep, what is she going to do for me, is she going to come over here and do something for me, I don't understand why she's calling. I told him even if she was in another state she is still going to call you and see how you are. She's worried about you. She didn't know you were sleeping. He got a little aggressive with me but I ignored him. After he calmed down he said to me when you see me like that just leave me alone, I'm not mad at you. I said it's not directed at me now, but it has been in the past. You shouldn't be like that. I explained to him I was close to leaving but knew it would make things worse so I just stayed and ignored him. He said good call. 

I really fell in love with him. We obviously had good times together which I did not mention here but i cant stand for this treatment. But this has left me extremely upset. I've been crying for days. We texted for 2 days after the arguments and he does not own up to anything. Blames me for his outbursts which I know are beyond me. But it still hurts so much!!

Edited April 5, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Stargazer01 said:

He told me of an incident he had on the fwy with his kids.

Good lord , this lowlife has kids? I was shocked to read that, also because he sounds like petulant teenager himself. 

I would strongly suggest you get some therapy, because your standards are just about non-existent and you will need time to process and heal from this abusive relationship. This person was an awful choice from the beginning and you chose to overlook a lot of terrible behaviour. It's time to understand why, and what attracted you to this dysfunctional invdividual. 

And it's also high time you cut off all contact with him. 

[basil67]

I suspect that you were in love with the man who you hoped he could be, not the man he actually is.  

I promise you, when the truth finally registers, your only regret will be having spent any time with him at all.  It will get better for you, hopefully quite soon 

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

He said " I will hammer [ ] you to hurt you with words

 

4 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

The whole way he was telling me things. How he cant wait to get rid of me, why did you come, you're wasting my life...and on.

 

4 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

he rolled down his windows and yelled at a cyclist "shut [ ] up before i throw you off your bike

 

4 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

Has always cheated on his girlfriends. Told me that the night before some girl had texted him at midnight for s*x. 

 

4 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

He told me of an incident he had on the fwy with his kids. Road rage and he started tailgating the other driver.

Read these statements above over and over again.

He is a POS and it's only a matter of time before he turns physically abusive.

He already treats you like absolute crap.

He's a cheater and puts his kids lives in danger.

I'm so baffled why you are with him.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

.  I met this man on dating site. He was straight forward with me since the beginning. Smokes about 10 joints a day, no job for about 2 years, sells weed- We went out on three dates and I broke it off due to our lifestyles not aligning. 

Sorry this happened. Try to review your matching and screening criteria on dating apps. Someone with this many red flags shouldn't even get to the messaging/meeting stage.  Trust your initial instincts. Reflect if loneliness is a factor in accepting the unacceptable.

[Stargazer01]

I know this treatment wasn’t right. Even if I did upset him he is responsible for the way he reacts. Reading  my post I do feel like the person writing that has no self respect, does not value herself, and needs to put herself first before anyone. 

I have guilt. I do feel it was my fault. I fainted the relationship with my doubts. Rationally I feel there is a reason why I felt that way. 
Our last text was me telling him that I am not mad at him. I carry no resentment in my heart for him and that our relationship was great in the beginning but needed to end because it was right anymore. I wished him well. I wanted no anger in my heart for him because there are so many things I am grateful for in my life, I don’t want to carry any negative energy moving forward. His response to me was explaining how he had tried to tell me to stop Crossing his boundaries and to avoid that argument. How I would always be doubting us and how he doesn’t have patience to reassure me. How I need to be truthful with myself and see that he did love me and not to lie to myself to make me feel better about the breakup.

And the crazy thing is I DO feel It is my fault. I shouldn’t have questioned him so much. But our last big fight had nothing to do with me questioning him, it had to do with him getting angry cause he had to wait on me.

i am heavily conflicted. And by the way I have my first therapy appointment scheduled for tomorrow. 

[ShyViolet]

It's really sad that your self-respect is at such a low level that you would stay with an absolute loser like this for as long as you did.  Reading your post, the red flags just kept jumping out one after another after another.  He was verbally abusive to you and has anger problems, screams at people like an immature child, is a cheater... the list goes on and on.  You are not ready to get into another relationship until you do some serious therapy to unpack why you would make these poor choices, so history does not repeat itself.

[Alpacalia]

It sure sounds delightful... 

Maybe you're looking for a fixer upper?

Hopefully you'll muster up to courage to leave him.

[Stargazer01]

Thank you for replying. And yea I am completely aware that I need some standards. Had my first therapy appointment today. And there is Zero intention of going back. No contact for 10 days now.

And I forgot to mention he told me during our last argument that he is the closest thing to love I will see. 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Stargazer01 said:

Thank you for replying. And yea I am completely aware that I need some standards. Had my first therapy appointment today. And there is Zero intention of going back. No contact for 10 days now.

And I forgot to mention he told me during our last argument that he is the closest thing to love I will see. 

You need to block him.  Not for him but for you to make sure you don't talk to him anymore.  If you are going NC do it the proper way and block him to really give yourself the chance to move on from him.  He's not going to change.  The abuse will just get worse.

[Alpacalia]

Well done! You should be proud of yourself for achieving this.

That's a really hurtful thing to say and I'm sorry you had to hear it. It's not true though and I hope you can find someone who can love you and make you feel appreciated.

Edited April 7, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

And I forgot to mention he told me during our last argument that he is the closest thing to love I will see. 

When someone tries to suggest to you that you're not a great catch and he can do better than you, they're talking BS. That kind of comment is simply made to beat you down and kill your confidence and self-esteem because he actually feels insecure.

Ask yourself this: If you are such a lousy person to be with and if he is such a great catch himself, then what is he doing with you? Why can't he go out there and meet all the wonderful women that he imagines want to be with him?

Don't allow people who feel shitty about themselves to dump their ugly feelings onto you. And don't internalize their way of thinking. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with how they feel about themselves.

Objectively speaking, whatever he was offering you was not love. It was parasitic behavior. 

Edited April 7, 2023 by Acacia98

[Stargazer01]

On 4/7/2023 at 12:12 AM, Acacia98 said:

When someone tries to suggest to you that you're not a great catch and he can do better than you, they're talking BS. That kind of comment is simply made to beat you down and kill your confidence and self-esteem because he actually feels insecure.

Ask yourself this: If you are such a lousy person to be with and if he is such a great catch himself, then what is he doing with you? Why can't he go out there and meet all the wonderful women that he imagines want to be with him?

Don't allow people who feel shitty about themselves to dump their ugly feelings onto you. And don't internalize their way of thinking. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with how they feel about themselves.

Objectively speaking, whatever he was offering you was not love. It was parasitic behavior. 

Thank you for your response. 

I didn’t mention I had open abdominal surgery on 03/31, he wasn’t there when I needed him the Most. He texted me 4 days ago “hope your recovery is going good”. I didn’t respond to him.