Boyfriend (m33) for 11 years accusses me (f34) of cheating

[Shiro_Neko0815]

This will be a long post.

We had a difficult last year...i am a introvert and so is he, i have a lot of sexual issues that led to a time, where i didn´t want to even think about sex at all. I read a lot of things on this topic online and tried to get rid of my lethargy.(bought nice underwear, took care of myself)

Despite all that i sometimes felt disgusted by him, if he wanted to have sex. Because at that time we did live almost for ourselves, i thought this was the only thing he´s interested in with me and i really need assurance to even get in the mood. We did not do anything togeter anymore. He often asked what was wrong. I never told him that because i was ashamed i didn´t want to hurt him, i tried to sort it out by myself. Because we were really close in the past, we´ve gone through hell together, shared everything.

Then he found a message on whatsapp, of a relationship from school days ca. 16 years back. I never replied to that basically never deleted that message and just ignored it (he was talking about the maybe 4 weeks we were togehther, i thought he was drunk). He showed up at my work and asked for my number, i did show him my ring and said i am in a relationship. He replied it´s the same for him and that was not his intention. I gave him my number, but never replied back. My boyfriend was really angry that i never told him, even when he asked if there was anyone else in my life.

He had enough and started to talk about this to me. He told me he was really hurt by this. We agreed something needs to be changed.We tried out a few new things and suddenly it worked for me a lot better.

Then he searched through erverything i had on my laptop, phone and tablet. Post history, cookies, passwords emails, everything. Because he could not get rid of this suspicion.

We discussed my search history. Some sites about relationships, sex education and something like that, but on some of these sites there was the opportunity to create accounts and look for an affair.. Two sites show up in my search bar history where that was possible but not exclusively. Could be that i read there, i don´t know anymore, Additionally there where a lot of sex spam mails in my spam folder. Yes we opened them.

None of them could be entered with my emails or passwords.

The problem is that i literally shut down over a few months (did that before) and just sat there all day long reading, or watching videos, and didn´t show him any of that if he walked over to me. He is really sceptical about social media in gerneral and thats where i suddenly spent almost all of my freetime, sitting in the dark and read read read.I also tried to learn a new language and i draw on my tablet ( for hours on end). Additionally i worked overtime alot. He buried himself in the internet but never hid it from me. That´s where he thinks i did search for an affair.

I don´t want to leave him, i want to work it out. I just don´t know what to do anymore. Please help.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Shiro_Neko0815 said:

 i sometimes felt disgusted by him, if he wanted to have sex. 

Then he searched through erverything i had on my laptop, phone and tablet. Post history, cookies, passwords emails, everything. Because he could not get rid of this suspicion.

Sorry this is happening. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the withdrawal, inertia and libido issues. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Be candid with your healthcare providers about your relationship and the issues in it.

Immediately change All your passwords and keep your devices locked. Do not allow anyone to intimidate you into controlling your life and access to the outside world with false accusations of alleged cheating. 

Begin to sever ties. You're going to have to review all your accounts, apps, social media and change all the passcodes. 

Read up on abusive and controlling relationships. You claim you don't want to leave, but you can make better decisions with professional help and information on abusive relationships. 

Unless you allowed this intrusion into your devices and accounts, it's illegal to hack into them. If you did allow it with the faux excuse that 'he's suspicious', you need to immediately get help to extricate yourself from this and secure your devices appropriately.

[JTSW]

I really don't think anything will improve between you.

Once one person gets that thought into their head its hard to let go of it.

You are very incompatible.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Shiro_Neko0815 said:

Then he found a message on whatsapp, of a relationship from school days 16 years back. 

Whatsapp has only been in existence for 14 years. The problem is your relationship is unhappy and unhealthy.

[Shiro_Neko0815]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whatsapp has only been in existence for 14 years. The problem is your relationship is unhappy and unhealthy.

He found it recently. i meant the one who wrote me was a boyfriend i had in school, 16 years ago.

[Shiro_Neko0815]

16 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I really don't think anything will improve between you.

Once one person gets that thought into their head its hard to let go of it.

You are very incompatible.

The thing is, i was in a bad place mentally for years. Didn´t work just sat and drank way too much. He supported me all these years, there were no secrets between us. He never had any suspicion towards me nor controlled me.

He said he´s really disappointed i didn´t do the same for him last year.

This message and my escape into social media and hiding it from him was the point, where he started to question everything even those years he previously trusted me.

 

[BaileyB]

It sound like the two of you would benefit from counselling to discuss many issues - the trust issues being only one topic of discussion.

[JTSW]

10 minutes ago, Shiro_Neko0815 said:

This message and my escape into social media and hiding it from him was the point, where he started to question everything

You shouldn't hide anything in a relationship.

I don't think its the message that's the actual issue.

It's the fact that you hide things even though you are not doing anything wrong.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Shiro_Neko0815 said:

 my escape into social media and hiding it from him was the point, where he started to question everything even those years he 

Hopefully you are getting help for the drinking and your physical and mental health. You do not have to share any of your devices, passwords nor any of your social media content/ activities with anyone. Ever.  That will not help you nor restore trust.  

The most important thing is to get help with the physical and psychological issues and help with alcohol and escaping and withdrawal from life. Having someone rifling through your devices and policing them will not help you with those things.

Edited April 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Will am I]

Forget about the relationship for a minute. Are you ok?

1 hour ago, Shiro_Neko0815 said:

... difficult last year... ... i have a lot of sexual issues ...tried to get rid of my lethargy.(..., took care of myself)

[...]

He often asked what was wrong. I never told him that because i was ashamed ...

[...]

The problem is that i literally shut down over a few months (did that before) and just sat there all day long reading, or watching videos, and didn´t show him any of that if he walked over to me. [...]

I read about lethargy, trouble taking care of yourself, shame, feeling shut down, sitting all day long doing nothing but reading or watching videos.

 

Maybe your own emotional state should be your first concern. Your post reads to me as if you might be suffering from depression.

[Shiro_Neko0815]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully you are getting help for the drinking and your physical and mental health. You do not have to share any of your devices, passwords nor any of your social media content/ activities with anyone. Ever.  That will not help you nor restore trust.  

The most important thing is to get help with the physical and psychological issues and help with alcohol and escaping and withdrawal from life. Having someone rifling through your devices and policing them will not help you with those things.

The drinking is not a problem anymore. I notice if i drink too regularily and then stop. I also don´t drink too much anymore.

[Shiro_Neko0815]

26 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Forget about the relationship for a minute. Are you ok?

I read about lethargy, trouble taking care of yourself, shame, feeling shut down, sitting all day long doing nothing but reading or watching videos.

 

Maybe your own emotional state should be your first concern. Your post reads to me as if you might be suffering from depression.

I have ups and downs, every few months usually in autumn and winter. I somehow pull myself out of these phases but it takes me a long time to even recognize them.

I was diagnosed with depression at 12 i believe. I think it would be best to look for counseling.

[Will am I]

From what you share on this topic, I believe that depression may be a major contributor in your relationship troubles.

 

Between the lines of what you write about your partner, I sense he may be feeling rejected and insecure. That may be related.

Male perspective: when your girlfriend prefers to lounge around on the couch over having any kind of emotional or sexual intimacy, it feels like a silent rejection. That can make him jealous and insecure.

A healthy relationship starts with two emotionally and mentally healthy people. I encourage you to seek help. And (as hard as it may be) to make an effort to be open with your boyfriend about how you are feeling.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Shiro_Neko0815 said:

I gave him my number, but never replied back

What was your intention giving this guy your number?

6 hours ago, Shiro_Neko0815 said:

We discussed my search history. Some sites about relationships, sex education and something like that, but on some of these sites there was the opportunity to create accounts and look for an affair..

Is it safe to assume you were indeed looking up sites for adulterers? 

[shiro_neko]

 OP here, needed to make a new account.

@ExpatInItaly

 

On 4/5/2023 at 1:03 PM, Shiro_Neko0815 said:

I gave him my number, but never replied back

What was your intention giving this guy your number?

  On 4/5/2023 at 1:03 PM, Shiro_Neko0815 said:

We discussed my search history. Some sites about relationships, sex education and something like that, but on some of these sites there was the opportunity to create accounts and look for an affair..

Is it safe to assume you were indeed looking up sites for adulterers? 

 

I didn´t have an intention, i was just caught off guard. I even said i´m in a relationship (showing the ring). He told e he is in a relationship himself, so i thought there were no intentions.

And no i wasn´t on such sites on purpose. Later i just used reddit to read about other people, who have the same issues as i do.

[glows]

If he had such a strong suspicion, enough to go through all your devices and grill you like this, he should have broken up with you. This is absolutely ridiculous, OP. The level of insecurity on his part and desire to live like that and still question you is unbelievable.

Do you have a job now? Can you support yourself? Please see a doctor in regards to your depression or other personal health issues. 

[mark clemson]

If you didn't cheat then clearly the "problem" is on his side.

I feel like you need to start showing more spine with him. Are you on a "slippery slope" where he slowly becomes more and more paranoid and controlling? I think that's a question worth asking yourself, as it seems to me that you indeed are.

Are you showing him that no matter how unfair to you and controlling he gets, you will simply play along to maintain the relationship? Where does it end?

Edited August 4, 2023 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

On 8/3/2023 at 3:51 AM, shiro_neko said:

 OP here, needed to make a new account.

@ExpatInItaly

 

On 4/5/2023 at 1:03 PM, Shiro_Neko0815 said:

I gave him my number, but never replied back

What was your intention giving this guy your number?

  On 4/5/2023 at 1:03 PM, Shiro_Neko0815 said:

We discussed my search history. Some sites about relationships, sex education and something like that, but on some of these sites there was the opportunity to create accounts and look for an affair..

Is it safe to assume you were indeed looking up sites for adulterers? 

 

I didn´t have an intention, i was just caught off guard. I even said i´m in a relationship (showing the ring). He told e he is in a relationship himself, so i thought there were no intentions.

And no i wasn´t on such sites on purpose. Later i just used reddit to read about other people, who have the same issues as i do.

Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes. Can you understand why he may have felt like you were searching for an affair?

Even if you weren't on those sites purposefully, can you understand why he might think that you were? Do you think that could be a possible cause of his accusations?

Of course, you were just seeking advice on relationships and sex, which is understandable.

Your partner was hurt by your keeping the guy from your past a secret and this understandably triggered some anxieties. It doesn't sound like you were actively seeking an affair, just that you've been figuring out how to deal with your own issues. But, I suppose that signals a large problem in that your partner cannot feel secure, and you haven't been transparent. 

He seems to have been trying to place the blame somewhere else because his trust is broken and he's looking for answers. He feels vulnerable, and he does not understand why you are no longer interested in sex. He may not be detecting your true feelings, and so basically needs much reassurance from you.

There's deeper issues in your relationship that need to be addressed.

[shiro_neko]

9 hours ago, glows said:

If he had such a strong suspicion, enough to go through all your devices and grill you like this, he should have broken up with you. This is absolutely ridiculous, OP. The level of insecurity on his part and desire to live like that and still question you is unbelievable.

Do you have a job now? Can you support yourself? Please see a doctor in regards to your depression or other personal health issues. 

He wanted to break up with me, but i said that he can look through my devices if he wants to. I knew i had nothing to hide.

We don´t want to break up, i´m determined to go through this, we had other really hard times and pulled through.

[shiro_neko]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

If you didn't cheat then clearly the "problem" is on his side.

I feel like you need to start showing more spine with him. Are you on a "slippery slope" where he slowly becomes more and more paranoid and controlling? I think that's a question worth asking yourself, as it seems to me that you indeed are.

Are you showing him that no matter how unfair to you and controlling he gets, you will simply play along to maintain the relationship? Where does it end?

I don´t think this would be the right approach, we triy to talk alot about everything. Sometimes this ends in a huge argument, but it gets better.

[shiro_neko]

30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes. Can you understand why he may have felt like you were searching for an affair?

Even if you weren't on those sites purposefully, can you understand why he might think that you were? Do you think that could be a possible cause of his accusations?

Of course, you were just seeking advice on relationships and sex, which is understandable.

Your partner was hurt by your keeping the guy from your past a secret and this understandably triggered some anxieties. It doesn't sound like you were actively seeking an affair, just that you've been figuring out how to deal with your own issues. But, I suppose that signals a large problem in that your partner cannot feel secure, and you haven't been transparent. 

He seems to have been trying to place the blame somewhere else because his trust is broken and he's looking for answers. He feels vulnerable, and he does not understand why you are no longer interested in sex. He may not be detecting your true feelings, and so basically needs much reassurance from you.

There's deeper issues in your relationship that need to be addressed.

I can totally understand where hes coming from, í promised to be open about anything thats bothering me.

I think thats one major contribution to this situation, that i never really told him what´s bothering me about him or his actions.

[FMW]

Depression does seem to be a likely large influence on you not fully communicating or having any interest in sex with him.  If you want to try and save the relationship you need to get professional help (not self-help from the internet) for the depression. Withdrawing and being silent is damaging to relationships, and can easily (as you have seen) lead to suspicion and bad feelings.

I don't agree with sharing passwords and letting partners go through your search history, etc. on your devices.  Either you trust each other or not, and if you don't, then you need to work on the reason why that is, not police each other.  Cheaters have a lot of ways around leaving an obvious electronic trail, so checking a partner's devices is not an effective way of building trust.  To me, it just shows there is no trust.  

You have to start communicating clearly and more completely if you want to stay in your relationship.  

 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, shiro_neko said:

He wanted to break up with me, but i said that he can look through my devices if he wants to. I knew i had nothing to hide.

We don´t want to break up, i´m determined to go through this, we had other really hard times and pulled through.

Looking through your devices is not necessary for resolving whatever issues the two of you are facing. You suffer from depression and typically, not always, people that do tend to withhold things from their partners out of fear, and that’s understandable considering their mental state. If you feel comfortable demonstrating to him that you have nothing to hide, you can invite him to talk through the issues you’re facing together and promise to be as honest and open as possible.

2 hours ago, shiro_neko said:

I can totally understand where hes coming from, í promised to be open about anything thats bothering me.

I think thats one major contribution to this situation, that i never really told him what´s bothering me about him or his actions.

That’s definitely a good start...

And it's safe to assume you weren't browsing the sites for adulterers on purpose? Instead, you later used Reddit to read stories from people who were dealing with similar issues?

I know asking what was your intention will likely open a can of worms, but if you were looking up sites for adulterers, why did you feel the need to do so? Do you feel that your partner is not satisfying your needs or has he done something that makes you feel uncomfortable in the relationship?

If you're not satisfied in your current relationship and you had any intention of starting a new one with this person, be honest with YOURSELF about it. Admitting to this will require some vulnerability on your part. If, however, you didn't have any intentions with this guy - if you gave him your number out of politeness, for instance, that needed to be communicated to your boyfriend.

It's hard to come back from something like this. The best advice I can give is to have an honest talk with your partner and one with yourself and understand where your intentions lie. Start there and then you can figure out the best course of action for the both of you. Get professional guidance for your depression and anxieties, it's needed, and try to stay honest in your communication. If there is any doubt in your mind whether or not you want to stay in the current relationship, let him know that. He might feel hurt now but he'll have a better understanding of the situation. 

I wish you all the best.

Edited August 4, 2023 by Alpacalia