Ex of 8 years still undecided after breakup

[caseys91]

I really need some help! Me and my ex of 8 years broke up 4 months ago, and I moved 3 hours away almost immediately. He is probably suffering with depression (and he's now in therapy, which is great)- he'd been struggling for at least a year before and started pulling away from me, and I became very clingy which of course I regret. We've had two phone calls in the last month- during the first one, we just caught up about life for two hours and he was very emotional.

 

The second call happened because I got some very bad news that potentially meant I'd have to move back to his area. I was very anxious, and basically asked him how he would feel about that and if there's any hope for us. He said he hasn't got over me, probably never will and isn't sure if he wants to. I even asked him if he still has feelings for me and loves me, to which he replied of course, that those feelings don't go away in such a short time. He also said he's missed me "in many ways". He said I shouldn't make my decision based on him (which is very mature of him), and that right now he can't be with anyone, and he can't tell me for sure what will happen with us.

 

I also asked him if he's been with anyone since, and he said he hasn't. We are meeting up in a month to catch up as I'll be in his area- which he suggested during our first phone call. I regret asking him all these questions of course, as I was in so much distress I didn't think about everything i've learned during our time apart.

 

Is there any hope here? I'm scared he will move on slowly from me while I'm so far away (my situation has changed since the call and I no longer have to move) and still holding out hope for us. I'm also scared me asking him all these questions has pushed him further and undone some of the good work our three months of NC did. I did message him later apologising for how intense the call got, and he said he understood as I was in a difficult position with the news I got, and no need to be sorry.

[stillafool]

58 minutes ago, caseys91 said:

Is there any hope here?

Well there's always "hope" but he sounds like he's trying to move on.   He's right that you don't just get over someone immediately right after a break up, but he isn't promising that at some point you will get back together.  He is saying he doesn't know what the future holds for you two.   All of what he said and is doing is a vague way to move on without causing you a great deal of pain which he feels guilty about.  There's really nothing else to talk about unless he wants to get back together with you which he will let you know if that happens.  Continuing to call, text or meet with him is just keeping you in pain.  I think you need to begin the process of getting over him because he doesn't sound like you're going to get back together anytime soon or maybe never.  Why did he break up with you?

[caseys91]

He broke up with me after I pushed him about going to see someone for help. I had been trying to get him to see a therapist for a while, and also to communicate more about what was going on with him and us. One day he just said he can't do it any longer- he was super upset, and we cried together for a whole day. The next day, when he left, he said he did actually contact a therapist. I was so glad to hear it, and at the same time kind of upset because that was all I wanted, for him to start taking his mental health seriously. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, caseys91 said:

He broke up with me after I pushed him about going to see someone for help

What was happening between you two that made you ask him to see a therapist?

[caseys91]

He basically told me a year before we broke up that he wasn't feeling right, unhappy and not sure why. He asked for space, which I struggled to give him because I was scared to lose him and didn't understand. I, of course, am working on my attachment issues in therapy. For the last year of our relationship, he was often quite distant, went out with friends a lot (not like partying, just a drink or two at the pub), basically kept his distance a lot. We still had lots of nice times together so it's not like we were arguing lots, but the emotional distance was difficult of course. We also stopped having sex.

Before he told me all of this, we did have some hard times as well due to lockdown etc- i started working from home so he barely had any time to himself in our home. He likes his own space so that was probably difficult for him. We also moved to a new place before the lockdown, which was a lot more expensive so the financial pressure was stressing him out as well.

I do believe all of our issues can be resolved if we truly open up and are slow and intentional with it, but of course we both have to be in it for that. I really love him, we have so many beautiful memories together and while I know I can live without him, I still very much want him. He said during our last call as well that we didn't break up because we don't love each other, but the relationship became too difficult for him to handle. I suspect he meant he was feeling smothered or suffocated, which is fair because I do think I was asking for too much from him at the time. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, caseys91 said:

Is there any hope here?

We can't really answer that, but I would advise you to operate under the assumption that you two have met the end of your story. 

It's hard but he hasn't really given any indication that he wants to try again or is thinking about it. I would therefore strongly discourage you from meeting up with him in a month. It's likely to rip your wounds right open and not yield the results you want. It's best not to pin your hopes on a future together without any solid indication that he wants the same. 

3 hours ago, caseys91 said:

I'm scared he will move on slowly from me while I'm so far away

Think of it this way: he isn't scared that you will move from him. That is a painful realization, I know, but it tells you where his heart is at. He wasn't afraid to lose you, even when you were still living under the same roof. You being far away (or not) isn't particularly relevant at this point. 

3 hours ago, caseys91 said:

I'm also scared me asking him all these questions has pushed him further and undone some of the good work our three months of NC did

What good work did all the NC do, beyond helping you get some space after the break-up? I hope you're not thinking that it would have changed something for him, in terms of rethinking his decision. I also don't the impression that asking these questions pushed him away. He's already gone. It sounded as though he was compassionate with you and kind in trying to answer your questions, so I don't think you need to worry about that. It doesn't really change much for him. He knows you are hurting and probably understands why you were seeking clarity. 

[caseys91]

I appreciate your replies, I guess i'm just not fully believing that it's truly over. When we broke up, he told me we both have to focus on ourselves for now, that he can't wait to set up a call at some point and let each other know how we're doing, and that maybe this is the reset that we need. 

I broke NC about a month ago because I had to message him about a parcel. He replied nicely, and then followed up by saying that I can always talk to him, that he just didn't know how much space and time was needed. 

I still have a lot of my stuff at his house, so we have to meet up either way. When he suggested it though, he didn't mention my stuff or antyhing, just asked if we could meet up. We also have a joint bank account that he pays into and some house- and pet-related payments go out of that account. Those payments are all under his name, so I can't redirect them, and I don't know why he doesn't just close the account then. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, caseys91 said:

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I appreciate your replies, I guess i'm just not fully believing that it's truly over. When we broke up, he told me we both have to focus on ourselves for now, that he can't wait to set up a call at some point and let each other know how we're doing, and that maybe this is the reset that we need.

This is him lettiing you down softly.  He's telling you to focus on yourself and that one day in the future when you both will be doing better he will set up a call to check in.  It sounds like all he's offering in the future is a chance to be platonic friends after you both have healed from this breakup and moved on.  If he's not trying to have sex with you it's over.

 

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I broke NC about a month ago because I had to message him about a parcel. He replied nicely, and then followed up by saying that I can always talk to him, that he just didn't know how much space and time was needed. 

You really didn't have to message him about the parcel, you could have mailed it to him.   He was being compassionate telling you that you can always talk to him.  You do know that is not true and that at some point he will stop replying to you.  Him having to tell you again he doesn't know how much space and time was needed tells me you asked him about it.  You shouldn't have done that as it reenforced the fact that you haven't changed.

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I still have a lot of my stuff at his house, so we have to meet up either way. When he suggested it though, he didn't mention my stuff or antyhing, just asked if we could meet up. We also have a joint bank account that he pays into and some house- and pet-related payments go out of that account. Those payments are all under his name, so I can't redirect them, and I don't know why he doesn't just close the account then. 

 

Why do you still have stuff at his house?  Is it an excuse to stay in touch?  It's time to close the joint account and pet payments as well.  He may not have mentioned your stuff but I'm  sure he's thinking about giving it to you and letting the joint account close.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

It's time to close the joint account and pet payments as well.  He may not have mentioned your stuff but I'm  sure he's thinking about giving it to you and letting the joint account close.

All of this. 

As I said, he knows you are hurting. Delaying the above might be his (misguided) way of trying not to rub salt in the wound right now, but you need to untangle these things. It will give you false hope to hang on. Many years back when a long-term boyfriend and I split, we delayed a few of these things too. Not because we were hoping to get back, but because there were a couple other logistical matters we had to sort out (we had been living together for a few years at that point)

But when we did finally formally dissolve those last ties, it was like a breath of fresh air. I could move forward and it felt great. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, caseys91 said:

I'm scared he will move on slowly from me while I'm so far away and still holding out hope for us. 

Sorry this happened. Did you relocate for work? Are you going to remain in the new area?   If possible try to sever loose ends such as your belongings in his place and joint accounts.

He seems ok with meeting you to discuss some things however he started he's not ready willing or able to be in a relationship right now, especially long distance.

[caseys91]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Did you relocate for work? Are you going to remain in the new area?   If possible try to sever loose ends such as your belongings in his place and joint accounts.

He seems ok with meeting you to discuss some things however he started he's not ready willing or able to be in a relationship right now, especially long distance.

I left to go back to my home country- I knew I needed the support of my family and closest friends. Most of my friends in the town we lived were mutual, and it didn’t feel right knowing that word would get around etc. I wanted to grieve in private. Now my work are helping me out so that I can stay in my home country, and I can always move back if I want to. But I know that if I did, it would be difficult knowing that we could run into each other, I could see our dog at the park etc- too too painful!

I will be collecting at least some of my stuff while I’m there next month, although we haven’t discussed it. And I will arrange for everything left to be shipped over. 
 

I am just terrified that severing these last ties will end us for good, then again I know that for us to have any chance, we have to let go of the past. But won’t he just have an easier time moving on, especially since I’m so far away for the foreseeable? 
 

I realise that for us to have another try, it has to come from him. I regret getting so emotional on the call as I’d been very calm up until that point. Did the call completely ruin my chances?

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, caseys91 said:

I am just terrified that severing these last ties will end us for good, then again I know that for us to have any chance, we have to let go of the past. But won’t he just have an easier time moving on, especially since I’m so far away for the foreseeable? 
 

I realise that for us to have another try, it has to come from him. I regret getting so emotional on the call as I’d been very calm up until that point. Did the call completely ruin my chances?

Yes severing ties will more than likely end you guys for good.  That is what a break up is about, severing ties.  Yes he has moved on and so will you.  It doesn't matter if you were near him or in another country, he's still moving on.  He is not the last man on this earth and you will love again and be happier.  The last call had nothing to do with ruining a chance to get back together with him.  He's moved on, that's why he's not reaching out to you anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/7/2023 at 12:16 PM, caseys91 said:

But won’t he just have an easier time moving on, especially since I’m so far away for the foreseeable?

It won't make much difference. He's already a lot further along in the process than you are, since he is the one who ended it. Being far away or around the corner isn't going to change it. 

On 4/7/2023 at 12:16 PM, caseys91 said:

Did the call completely ruin my chances?

Gently, I don't think there was a chance to begin with. He hadn't expressed any desire to try again. In his heart, this is already over. I don't say that to be harsh, but rather to stop you from beating yourself up. The call didn't change anything for him. 

[ShyViolet]

You say that towards the end of the relationship you became very clingy.  You are continuing this pattern of behavior now, clinging to false hope of rekindling this relationship.  He has given no indication that he is interested in restarting the relationship.  He is moving on.  I think subconsciously you are leaving loose ends like the stuff at his house and the joint bank account because these are the last remaining ties that you have to him.  You are grasping at straws here.  It is time for you to get all of your stuff and get that joint account closed.  These things won't enable you to keep him around.... you no longer have him.  It's time to face reality and accept that.

Yes, he told you that he still has feelings for you but that is very normal when a serious breakup happens.  I still had feelings for most of my exes for quite a while after the breakups, but that does not mean that the person wants to get back together.  The feelings can remain for a long time but you can still know that the relationship needed to end.

[JTSW]

From everything I read, I honestly don't see any hope for you both.

Issues occurred long before the breakup.

He still cares of course. 

That doesn't disappear over night but I really don't think he will want to rekindle something that hadn't been there for him for a long time.

I don't think you should meet up with him as that will just make it harder for you because it won't change anything.