Scared of admitting the truth to myself

[Ray_xx]

I am a very independent young lady (32) looking back I have always worked hard from a young age (15) as my parents all encouraged me to make money. I have always provided for myself in terms of a home, holidays, a life style and even when I had previous long term relationships I always kept my money private and paid my own way. I do enjoy dating and I cannot deny that I have had some strong feelings for previous men I have dated, but looking back I don't think I have ever loved. Majority of women want children, marriage and to share commitment with another, and I tend to persuade myself to search for this, but really deep down I don't think I do. The only time I feel it would be nice to have a man around is either when I am horny OR I am bored. I am buying a house next year, and saving to go to the Maldives with my mum a couple of weeks before moving into my property. I cannot wait for my future and even feel I will foster a child one day when I am settled. I don't know why but I just don't see myself wanting or having my own child, getting married or even wanting this.  I believe 90% of women want this but I have the mind of my father who loves to be alone although he is married to my mother. Is this normal? 

Edited April 7, 2023 by Ray_xx

[understand50]

Ray_xx,

There is no Normal.  You are who you are.  You may change, as people do with time and want a husband, and maybe a child. That is fine as well.  I would see how life plays out.  In many ways,  we are more hostage to how things work out then trying to plan. Not that if you want something you should not make efforts to go have it, marriage, career, etc.   The thing is not to have regrets later.  Remind yourself, that the decision you made was the  best one at the time, and was valid at that time.  Looks like you have a head on your shoulders.  BTW, I have lots of friends that made the same claim and wound up married within 2 years. So who knows?  Maybe you protest too much.  

In my own life, I have decided several times, that where I was is where I would  be for life.  Job related mostly. Next thing I know change happens, and I was on a new path.  So my last thought, for what it may be worth to you, is to  be open to change, as change does come around.  We just have to recognize it when it presents itself.

I wish you luck.

[Will am I]

Is there such a thing as “normal”?

We live in a day and age where people are allowed and even encouraged to make their own choices, fitting to their character.

Most people eventuality want to procreate but remaining child free is definitely not a unique choice.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Ray_xx said:

I believe 90% of women want this but I have the mind of my father who loves to be alone although he is married to my mother. Is this normal? 

It's becoming more common for women to be open about this, that's for sure. 

I am a woman too, and at nearly 42, I have never wanted kids or even really to get married. It just doesn't interest me much. I have a long-term partner but we are not married and do not live together and are perfectly happy with our arrangement. I can appreciate there are many who want a more traditional family life, but I have realized as I've gotten older that it doesn't appeal to me. 

I have also discovered as I've entered my 40s that there are lots of other women like me. It may have been unusual a couple generations ago but it's not really that out of the ordinary now, in my experience. Women have more options now and aren't as timid about blazing their own trail, in whichever manner that may take.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Ray_xx said:

Is this normal? 

Absolutely.

I don't think any non-harmful behavior should be labeled as "weird". It would be wrong to get married or have children just because someone else thinks you should. That's not something you should do unless it's what you truly want.

Many people take their own sweet time when it comes to getting married or having children, and there's no need to rush into it. Owning your own home with your own money and having a supportive network of friends and family can be more than enough to feel secure and content with your life.

I'm in the same boat. It could be different for me in the future; that is uncertain. The same could be true for you as well.

The non-married life isn't for everyone. But if you love your privacy. And you love not having to answer to anyone. If you want to grab a coffee before you go home, you can. If you want to take off for the weekend, you can. If you don't feel like doing the dishes, you don't. You answer to yourself, and yourself alone.

So, keep doing you, and don't worry about what other people think.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Ray_xx said:

The only time I feel it would be nice to have a man around is either when I am horny OR I am bored.

I'm not sure that your statement is necessarily accurate.

Last time you posted, it seemed like you wanted a serious relationship with the man you were dating, regardless of whether there was a possibility of marriage or children. Sometimes our feelings change when we find someone who fits all our criteria. Or, perhaps you already knew that the relationship wasn't going to work out, which is why you got involved in the first place?

If you know the answer to those questions, you are in the know. I just wanted to give you something to think about as you explore this with yourself. On the other hand, not knowing the answer to those questions can be seen as a strength. It allows you to be more open-minded and explore different options without having any preconceived notions. 

 

[Els]

In this day and age, long term relationships, marriage, and having children are all not necessarily synonymous. You can have all 3, or 2 out of 3, or 1 out of 3, or none - whichever you prefer. It's fine to want none of them, but you seem to assume that you can't have a LTR because you don't want children, which isn't really true. Yes, this makes you incompatible with some people, but that's the whole point of dating - to find people you are compatible with.

I'm childfree and married, and I know many other people who feel the same way I do. It's not as uncommon a choice as you think, especially in 2023.

[stillafool]

Well you're certainly not alone in what you feel about marriage and children.  Lots of women today have no interest in having children and nor being married.  I think there is no normal as long as you're not hurting anyone else, just do you.

[Weezy1973]

Is the “scared” part really a fear of disappointing others? You have one life and you have to be true to who you are. 

[Ray_xx]

10 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Is the “scared” part really a fear of disappointing others? You have one life and you have to be true to who you are. 

it's always about others

[mark clemson]

According to one study it's something like 20% of adults don't want children and seem to be happy without them. Given modern population sizes that's a LOT of people...

https://msutoday.msu.edu/news/2023/childfree-study-confirmed-April2023

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Ray_xx said:

it's always about others

It doesn't have to be.  You can decide that it's about what is right for you and make it what you want.

[Weezy1973]

10 hours ago, Ray_xx said:

it's always about others

This is also why you prefer to be alone so much. It’s where you can just be. You need to work on being authentically yourself around others and then it won’t be so draining. This starts by not caring what other people think of you. And that usually starts by going to therapy…

[ShyViolet]

On 4/7/2023 at 1:18 PM, Ray_xx said:

I I believe 90% of women want this but I have the mind of my father who loves to be alone although he is married to my mother. Is this normal? 

I'm not sure where you are getting this idea from, that 90% of women want kids and marriage.  This is an outdated and frankly sexist mindset.  If you don't want kids, then don't have them!  And be confident in your choices.  Women can do whatever the hell they want.  We no longer live in a world where women are "supposed" to have kids and be a housewife, where that is the role that's been determined for them, where that is the only definition of a fulfilled life.

I'm 41, decided long ago that I did not want kids, and I couldn't be happier with that choice.  The massive amount of time and energy that people put into having and raising kids, I think there are so many other more worthwhile things that can be done with that time and energy.

[FMW]

I'm 58.  When I was young I assumed I'd get married and have children because that's what "everyone" did.  

I was married 23 years, now divorced 7 years.  I never had children because the man I married didn't want them and it wasn't a big issue for me.  Looking back on my life I think I would have been happier had I never married.  I've been in a relationship for four years and I love him, but never want to be married again. As for children, I've never felt a loss or lacking for not having them.  

Be true to yourself and base your life decisions on what feels right for you, not on what others are doing or what you think others feel.  Life is too short to waste time trying to please others with your choices.  

[Ray_xx]

On 4/16/2023 at 5:14 PM, FMW said:

I'm 58.  When I was young I assumed I'd get married and have children because that's what "everyone" did.  

I was married 23 years, now divorced 7 years.  I never had children because the man I married didn't want them and it wasn't a big issue for me.  Looking back on my life I think I would have been happier had I never married.  I've been in a relationship for four years and I love him, but never want to be married again. As for children, I've never felt a loss or lacking for not having them.  

Be true to yourself and base your life decisions on what feels right for you, not on what others are doing or what you think others feel.  Life is too short to waste time trying to please others with your choices.  

thank you - I love to hear stories from experienced people

[Oldenuff2know]

On 4/7/2023 at 1:18 PM, Ray_xx said:

Is this normal? 

Wanting children - not wanting children - wanting marriage - not wanting marriage - these are all normal things. It's about being confident in who you are and being comfortable with your decisions in life. You may change your mind down the road (or you may not). It sounds like you are well-adjusted and know what you want, but perhaps have some outside influences that are making you rethink your choices. Don't worry about what anyone else around you wants. Live your life in the moment the way YOU want. I am 62 and lived up to societal expectations. I got married at 23, had three kids, concentrated on my career, got divorced after 32 years, and just now I am living my life in the moment and making the decisions that best suit ME (not everyone else around me). I would not change anything that would result in me not having my three daughters, but I do wish I had made some different decisions in life instead of doing what I thought was "normal" or "right" for those around me!