Evil

[mortensorchid]

Many years ago I had a falling out with two childhood friends.  It hurt quite a bit but it's past me and I moved on.  I do think of them from time to time, both of them were users.  One would always have two boyfriends at the same time, the other was a gold digger.  They both seemed to have a lot of burned bridges and fallings out among their relationships, so it wasn't that big of a deal if the person has a history of it.  I thought of one of them, I think she was evil - She purposely did evil because it made her happy to hurt others.  Was she completely evil?  I'm not sure.

She reached out to me about a year after the fallout via email and said "Before you delete this, I want to tell you my side of things on that day in question. (Told her side) See?  It was just a misunderstanding and it was just bad timing. I don't think it's worth throwing away so many years of our being friends away over this."  I responded and said that was not good enough, you can't just throw a blanket apology over everything and just assume that it's okay because it's not.  Maybe we can get together soon, you know where to reach me.  That was 26 years ago, I haven' t heard a word from her since.  And that's fine, I don't want or need her as my friend, and that's that.  

But I do wonder about her from time to time.  On one had she was a screamer, lied, cheated, used people, etc., but she lamented how sad and lonely she was at the same time.  Now?  She's really alone now...  I don't think there is a person who is completely evil, but she was/is close.  What do others think? 

[basil67]

Are these the two who you've previously given an armchair diagnosis to and have written many posts about?   

You say that you now have a great relationship and are in love.  So what's happened that has you ruminating on something which is more than half your lifetime ago?  It's time to leave the past in the past

Edited April 9, 2023 by basil67

[semble]

She apologized, you said that wasn't good enough, it's not ok, then you said maybe you'll get together soon, you know where to reach me.

That makes zero sense.

What makes even less sense is that you still ruminate over this person 26 years later while saying it doesn't matter.

I think you're in serious denial.

 

[basil67]

Taking this further, as it was 26 years ago, you would all have been just teenage girls.  People make mistakes in their teens and they learn from it and grow up to become perfectly normal people.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

  That was 26 years ago, I haven' t heard a word from her since. .  Now?  She's really alone now...

"Evil" is a moral judgement. While you observed nasty behavior decades ago, there's no point now engaging in schadenfreude that "she's alone now".

Perhaps it's time to delete and block these people from ALL your social media. That way they'll stay in the past without bringing up bad memories for you.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I don't think there is a person who is completely evil, but she was/is close.  What do others think? 

I think the bigger problem is that you are still thinking way too much about this 26 years later. 

[ShyViolet]

It's a little strange and unhealthy that you're thinking about this so deeply 26 years later, enough to make a whole post about it.  You say you have moved on but it sounds like you haven't.

[Els]

On 4/10/2023 at 9:21 AM, mortensorchid said:

What do others think? 

I think that I would be really concerned about my mental health if I was giving this much thought and headspace to the actions and lives of people whom I fell out with 26 years ago, especially if we were all school kids at that time. It's one thing to occasionally have a brief thought or curiosity, another thing entirely to take it to THIS level.

[mortensorchid]

I have nightmares still about things from the past.  It's PTSD of a different kind - the brain can and does handle things in strange ways.  I keep myself a blank slate to others most of the time but otherwise I just live my own nightmares inside of me.  I don't take it out on others.  

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I have nightmares still about things from the past.  It's PTSD of a different kind - the brain can and does handle things in strange ways.  I keep myself a blank slate to others most of the time but otherwise I just live my own nightmares inside of me.  I don't take it out on others.  

I'm sorry you're still struggling with this.   If you're diagnosed with PTSD, I would imagine you've done therapy for it.  What strategies have you been given to leave the past behind?

I don't imagine that labelling and diagnosing the pair of them is at all helpful.  While it is undoubtedly frustrating to have these memories haunt you, Evil is a word for mass murderers.  Not for silly school girl antics  Likewise, you've previously diagnosed them with a mental health condition. I understand you are still hurting, but not only is what you are doing inaccurate, but it's also pointless and holding you back.  

What did they actually do to you?  And what do you think their side of the story might have been?  I'm not sure why you're upset that they had their own side to what went on - after all, there are three sides to every disagreement:  Your side, their side and the truth, which sits somewhere in between

Edited April 12, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

It's okay to occasionally think and wonder about them, you need to prioritize yourself a little more now that you've moved on.

Try to focus on the lessons you learned from the situation, even if it's difficult. Instead of being too hard on yourself, recognize the progress you've made and focus on the good relationships you have. Your desire to keep your distance is understandable in light of her behavior.

It's still possible to be curious about her, even if you don't have a relationship with her.

Keep a distance or forgive, as you see fit.