Deleted message with coworker

[PotatoHead]

My GF and I have an open-phone policy.  We trust each other but are still healing from our past traumas and repairing some things, so we decided that full transparency is the best thing.  We've agreed to not hide anything from one another which includes anything on our phones, we're happy to share any messages or other content on them if the other partner asks.

She used to have a tendency to hide things to avoid any conflict, but has gotten a lot better as far as I can tell.  I struggle with trust and question things at times due to my past.  So I had a weak moment when her phone was left out in the open and rather than asking her first, I checked and found she had deleted a text message to or from a coworker.   This is someone she knows has been a trigger for me once or twice because in the past I felt their friendship was a bit too close for comfort, but they have since backed off.

Seeing the message had been deleted prompted me to dig further.  I recovered it and went in their message history to see what it was, but I didn't see anything that crossed any lines.  All just work related messages (this is her work phone and he is one of her employees).  Around the time of this message he had let her know that his wife was in the hospital so he would be missing work.  She offered him any assistance he needed with the resources provided through their employer, but that was it.

So now I have this dilemma, because I haven't told her what I found.  She would no doubt be upset that I looked through things without asking first.  I am not sure if I should have reason to be concerned enough to bring this up, or should I let it go.  Finding the one deleted message leads me to a number of possibilities.  Maybe in the moment she worried about what my reaction would be if I read those messages, and in a knee-jerk she deleted it like her old ways.  But she must have come to her senses because she told me about that very conversation the same night it happened.

Or the other possibility, this is just one of many that she happened to forget to clear from her recently deleted box.  I don't believe there is anything going on, I don't see her receiving messages from him or anyone very often and like I said, their conversations all looked harmless and work related.  But there is a chance she is still just hiding anything she doesn't want me to see by deleting it.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

.  All just work related messages (this is her work phone and he is one of her employees).  Around the time of this message he had let her know that his wife was in the hospital so he would be missing work.  She offered him any assistance he needed with the resources provided through their employer, but that was it

It doesn't seem to be anything to worry about. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

She would no doubt be upset that I looked through things without asking first. 

I'm afraid you can't see the forest for the trees.  This isn't about one deleted text - this is about your trust issues in general.   You've made so many posts about not trusting her that this relationship cannot be healthy for you.  I don't know if you have trust issues with all women....or just this one.   But it's unfair to both of you to continue in a relationship where you need to breach her privacy in this way.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

This isn't about one deleted text - this is about your trust issues in general.   You've made so many posts about not trusting her that this relationship cannot be healthy for you

This. This post is merely a variation on the same theme as your others, OP. 

A relationship cannot survive without trust. When you resort to digging into each other's devices behind each other's backs  - well, the relationship is as good as toast. You are trying to shove a square peg into a round hole and refuse to see (yet) that it is not going to fit.

Edited April 11, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

My GF and I have an open-phone policy.  We trust each other but.... 

Unfortunately this is an indication that there's inherent distrust. Balance relationships have trust and autonomy that doesn't require policing each other's devices.

Edited April 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I didn't see anything that crossed any lines.  All just work related messages (this is her work phone and he is one of her employees).  Around the time of this message he had let her know that his wife was in the hospital so he would be missing work.  She offered him any assistance he needed with the resources provided through their employer, but that was it.

Ok, end of story. 

18 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I am not sure if I should have reason to be concerned enough to bring this up, or should I let it go. 

Seriously?

Dude you have some serious issues here.

Monitoring each others phones is not healthy and It's going to make your paranoia even worse.

You are in the wrong for going through her phone.

That's not cool.

I would say come clean about it so she can see where she really stands with you.

Edited April 11, 2023 by JTSW

[Alpacalia]

I wish my partner would collect my phone and go through it like I’m a prisoner to him.

If you need to "surprise" your girlfriend with a phone check, you have issues.

If you feel like you can’t go through your girlfriend's phone because you don’t want to get hurt, that’s a problem.

Your focus has shifted to the technical aspects of this exchange, rather than the emotional meaning of this sharing. By "meaning," I mean how you both feel and think about the current situation and how it affects your relationship. Rather than solve your background dilemma, you merely set it aside.

 

[NuevoYorko]

Please end this relationship and get some help for your trust issues.  No relationship could survive this, unless you want some kind of prisoner / warden type of dynamic.  

[smackie9]

Having open access to phones is not trust. Trust is not to need that at all. You keep blaming the past, but what have you done to stop it? You found nothing which is a prime example you need to cut this out. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it and snooping will not stop it from happening. All you are doing is not dealing with your anxiety, and that will cause issues within your relationship.

You are not ready to have a healthy relationship with anyone if you keep letting the past dictate your emotions. I suggest you get some counselling. You can slap your hand for looking but that never resolves anything. Get some help whether its to discuss it with your GF or end the relaitonship which honest communication with her.

[basil67]

I think you need to make a decision on whether or not you trust her.   If you decide to trust her, then stop with the policy of policing her.  If you really can't trust her, then end it.  

[PotatoHead]

Thanks everyone, and wow.  Yes I know I have issues 😅 thank you for pointing them out repeatedly.  I am getting help for them.  We still choose to be together and she accepts me with my flaws as I do hers.

Lots of people have weak moments, backslides, and snoop occasionally.  It's not the end of the world.  It's happened one time for me in the last several months.  But anyway, I came clean about it last night and she had already known that I snooped.  Said she knew I would tell her when I was ready and she appreciates my honesty about it.  It's just something we are working through.

[NuevoYorko]

40 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

Thanks everyone, and wow.  Yes I know I have issues 😅 thank you for pointing them out repeatedly.  I am getting help for them.  We still choose to be together and she accepts me with my flaws as I do hers.

Lots of people have weak moments, backslides, and snoop occasionally.  It's not the end of the world.  It's happened one time for me in the last several months.  But anyway, I came clean about it last night and she had already known that I snooped.  Said she knew I would tell her when I was ready and she appreciates my honesty about it.  It's just something we are working through.

I'm afraid you have some ill conceived notions around "working through" trust issues.  I have posted on a past thread of yours so I'm a bit familiar with your situation.

Trust issues will not be resolved by revoking the right of  personal space and privacy from ones partner.  In fact, it just makes the issues worse.  You will become more focussed on what might be falling through the cracks and invade even further.  This is clearly illustrated in your OP here.   Your "open phone" policy and version of "complete transparency" is a recipe for disaster, not repair.

Of course people have weak moments and fall back into unhealthy or even toxic behaviors.   In your situation, you're casting these as part of your repairing trust issues.  It is a never ending rabbit hole; you will not be satisfied or build trust as long as you can't allow for privacy in this relationship.

If she is not worthy of your trust, that's a big deal and I can't imagine why you're there.   If she IS worthy of your trust,  you need to make the leap of faith and give that to her.   After all, YOUR insecurity is not her problem.  You need to work through this on your own, and not in the context of a relationship.

 

[Alpacalia]

Look for alternative solutions to mistrust that do not involve snooping. Honestly, these are YOUR triggers, and it's not your girlfriend's job to make your boo-boos go away.

If you feel that something is off, speak up and ask. It may feel uncomfortable but it is a much healthier and more productive way to handle the situation. Or find other ways to occupy your mind and focus on something else when you feel like snooping. Find a hobby or activity that you enjoy and can focus on when you feel the urge to snoop.

Edited April 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

If you want to make changes, you both change your PWs and not share them.

[ShyViolet]

This "open phone" policy is not the good thing that you seem to think it is.   Why don't you be honest with yourself and call it what it is..... snooping into your significant other's phone looking for evidence of cheating.  This is not healthy relationship behavior.  If you can't trust her and need to resort to this, you shouldn't be in a relationship.  

[ExpatInItaly]

When you are in a bad relationship, you will constantly be "working through" isssues. 

All your threads very clearly paint a picutre of a relationship that is full of problems. The wheels came off this ages ago, yet neither of you is ready to admit that yet. However, I suspect she will beat you to it. You are too absorbed in your own issues to see just how dysfunctional this all is. 

Edited April 13, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

 I came clean about it last night and she had already known that I snooped.  Said she knew I would tell her when I was ready and she appreciates my honesty about it.  

That's true. Anyone can tell their phone was rifled through.

Next time try talking face-to-face about issues rather than the pattern of sneaking forgiving sneaking forgiving that was established while in the affair. It may be difficult to transition from a relationship based on deception to a relationship based on clarity and openness. 

[Alpacalia]

Checking phones, no thanks. Fantasy land? Nope. What's next, GPS tracking?

I would rather end the relationship and start fresh than salvage a relationship after cheating and staying in a phony (no pun intended) relationship.

The two of you decided to put the cheating behind you. Rebuilding a broken relationship can be extremely difficult.

Clearly you haven't put it behind you. So, how do you intend to go from point A to point B?

[NuevoYorko]

In some other thread of yours you talked about taking the "give enough rope" approach.  That means that you are actively lying in wait for your opportunity to catch her in some kind of nefarious act.  

I promise,  you will never be satisfied that she's not going to do you dirty sooner or later - you'll just think that you haven't yet given her enough rope.

What's interesting, and very sad, is that you feel OK about all of this.  It's not OK.  I do hope that she will call it off because I have the impression that you're capable of spending the rest of your adult life trying to give her enough rope to hang herself. What a dreadful way to live for both of you.  

[PotatoHead]

Well, I am here for advice and not to justify myself or my relationship, as I have no need to do that for anyone.  Looking at the phone was a mistake, and it wasn't even that I expected to catch her in anything.  It's a pretty common habit after being cheated on in a relationship, which she understands and we are moving on and I don't intend for it to happen again.  I think people have misconstrued our "open phone policy" meaning that it's okay to snoop, it absolutely isn't.   Just means we are willing to share any of our conversations if our partner is curious about them, complete transparency which is important when healing from cheating and affairs.  I get a feeling many of you haven't been through that process.

I should have known better than to come here and post this when it was eating at me and I was torn about talking to her about it.  I know better and that I just need to go to her before seeking advice elsewhere.  I've made that same mistake here many times and I won't be doing it again.

[NuevoYorko]

The thing is, PotatoHead, you aren't willing to take on board the advice you need to hear:  No issues  can be "worked through" by policing.   Good that you feel it was a "mistake" to snoop, but you've been very consistent in your belief that scrutinizing this woman for a certain amount of time will finally lead the two of you to a place where these issues will no longer be troubling you.  

This has been going on for years.  There is no end to it.  

Even relationships between  people where there has been no history of doubt require a leap of faith to succeed.  It's a conscious decision and choice:  "I will give my trust to you."  

Your girlfriend was your OW when you & she both were married.  Of course this is a troubling set-up.  I'm not quite sure why all the onus is on her, though.  You've proven to be just as likely to be a cheater.  Why aren't you subjected to the "enough rope" approach?

It's not possible for anyone to provide enough proof that they're not doing anything that would threaten their partner, because no matter how much "transparency" and forbidding of privacy are present, there are always moments of freedom where someone can do what they want.  If they want to flirt, cheat, eat ice cream when they're supposed to be on a diet, smoke a cigarette, use the credit card, whatever - there WILL be chances.

Anyway, I won't bug you on your threads anymore as it's clear that you're committed to your ways and quite self righteous about it.  

 

Edited April 17, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Alpacalia]

Your point is well taken, and I believe you are correct that it is a good idea to talk to her first before seeking advice from anyone else. In the end, this is your relationship and the only two people involved are you. If you question her, speak with her before making assumptions about what is going on. Part of that means taking her at her word. That's how you can build trust with her and show her you care about her.

If you can do that, it would be great. 

Hopefully you've apologized for looking at her phone, and she understands that it was a mistake you won't be making again.

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I get a feeling many of you haven't been through that process.

On the contrary. 

If you read other peoples posts you will find that many others have been where you are.

18 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I should have known better than to come here and post this

You have made multiple posts about this woman and all of them were different.

You have allot of issues with her one the biggest one is trust.

There are allot of good people here that gave good constructive advice.

It seems you do not like your mistakes to be pointed out.