When is it safe to really open up to someone?

[Resess]

Ok, I’m new here. So if I happen to do something wrong I apologize. 
 

I (40f) recently re-entered the dating pool after being out of it the better part of a decade. I met this guy on a dating app around the end of January. We talked for over two months before we actually met in person. In that time he opened up a lot. I have pretty bad anxiety that partially stems from traumatic events in my past. We were talking about having anxiety issues (his past isn’t so great either by the way.) earlier tonight via text and I froze up when he called me. I don’t want to keep avoiding telling him things, but how do you go about telling someone that some of the worst things that could happen to a child or woman has happened to you? When is it normal, I guess, to tell people those things? I don’t want to run this guy off by telling him too soon, but I also don’t want to not open up and run him off that way too. The last time I told anyone these things it was someone I spent the better part of a decade with. Any advice? 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it is still far too soon to be sharing deeply personal trauma. 

Bonding over trauma or mental health struggles is not the foundation for a healthy relationship. That's not to say you can't share things, but you're still getting to know each other and it's better to exercise discretion. See if this turns into an actual committed relationship. How many times have you met in person? 

4 minutes ago, Resess said:

I don’t want to keep avoiding telling him things

I don't see why he would need to know certain things this early on. He might be over-sharing, but that doesn't mean you need to. I would only share on a need-to-know basis at this point.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Resess said:

. We talked for over two months before we actually met in person. 

How often do you see each other in person? It's unwise to confide this much in a stranger. Keep in mind dating is not therapy and sharing sensitive information with someone you barely know makes you way too vulnerable and probably contributes to anxiety rather than alleviating it. 

The best thing you can do is make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.  Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Only confide sensitive or mental health issues with trusted long term friends, family and healthcare providers.

Unfortunately TMI and faux intimacy through protracted chatting before meeting are very common mistakes.  But you can change the course of things by spending more time in person and talking about things regarding getting to know each other in general. Try to get to know each other as people without psychological discussions.

Edited April 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Resess]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The best thing you can do is make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.  Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Only confide sensitive or mental health issues with trusted long term friends, family and healthcare providers.

I knew someone would eventually say something like this. Lol. I’m 40 years old and have been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist since I was 24 years old. I know what I diagnoses I have already and have medication for them. Also, I wouldn’t say family and long term friends are the best option either. My family, knowing what happened, told me to “pull myself up by the bootstraps and get over it” because things happen to people all the time. A long term friend I made the mistake of telling didn’t believe me when I told them I have X and Y because their sibling has untreated X and Y and I don’t behave the same way they do. Not much of a support system there. 

[ExpatInItaly]

How many times have you met this man in person, OP? 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Resess said:

I knew someone would eventually say something like this. Lol. I’m 40 years old and have been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist since I was 24 years old. I know what I diagnoses I have already and have medication for them. Also, I wouldn’t say family and long term friends are the best option either. My family, knowing what happened, told me to “pull myself up by the bootstraps and get over it” because things happen to people all the time. A long term friend I made the mistake of telling didn’t believe me when I told them I have X and Y because their sibling has untreated X and Y and I don’t behave the same way they do. Not much of a support system there. 

I'm sorry that the folks in your life who should be supportive have been so dismissive of your experiences.

I've found myself in your situation before, wondering how soon is too soon to open up. 

I guess for me the answer is, once you know the person reasonably well and how they're likely to respond to your vulnerability, you have enough info to decide whether it's worth your while to open up to them. I have friends and relatives who've been in my life for years but don't know me beyond the superficial level because I've learned that they're not particularly empathetic folks or are not discreet or I've heard them make unkind remarks about someone who was in a bad situation.

So I would say you don't need to keep a rigid timeline for opening up to people. What you need to do is learn to read the people you interact with and gauge what sorts of people they are. And even if they turn out to be trustworthy, you don't have to share with them unless it's relevant and you want to.

Edited April 11, 2023 by Acacia98

[Alpacalia]

It's when you're both comfortable, and at your own pace and in whatever way that feels safe and supportive.

There's a difference between being cautious about who you open up to and letting your fears sabotage your romance. The good thing about having hesitancy is that if it forces you to take your time to get to know someone before opening your heart to them, that can be mutually beneficial.

It's possible to be vulnerable without baring your soul.

You don't have to feel the need to pour your heart out, but who wants to spend time with someone who is a closed book and doesn't want to share anything about themselves? That kind of thinking isolates us and makes it impossible to have quality interactions, whether they be friendly, romantic, or otherwise.

That said, it's best to avoid setting up a dynamic where you rely on them for emotional support if and when you feel you really need a professional. Plus, you don't want to unload so much with the person you are dating because that can be overwhelming for them. You know?

If you are open to building a trusting relationship gradually, you will be able to develop a connection according to your own preferences.

Edited April 11, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Resess said:

 My family, knowing what happened, told me to “pull myself up by the bootstraps and get over it” 

Sorry you're support systems aren't what you would hope. It's great you are taking care of yourself.

It's easier to say something later in a situation when better rapport and trust is established, than it is to unsay something revealed too soon. 

[Gaeta]

Does this past trauma interferes with your life daily? Does your past trauma require your partner to adjust himself to your struggles? If yes, then you inform your new partner early so he knows you come with special instructions ( for lack of a better expression). You don't have to give him the details, just tell him you have gone through some serious trauma in your childhood, you are taking care of yourself by attending therapy and taking medication and one day, when you feel comfortable enough you'll share. Personally I think it's important to inform the person we're dating that we're taking xyz medication. As time goes by you will spend more time with him and in case of emergency he needs to inform the medical staff.

[ShyViolet]

The way you've been interacting with him is not a good basis for "opening up" at all, considering the fact that you were talking for two months before even meeting in person.  That creates a false sense of connection and investment when in fact you don't even have any idea if you have chemistry in person.  It's best to meet up right away just to see if you have in-person chemistry.  Build an actual connection, not a "virtual" one.  Only after that has been really established should you be thinking about opening up about these things.  It sounds like you have not spent much time in person with this guy.

You do not have the kind of connection with this guy that would justify opening up about these personal issues right now.  The fact that you're so uncomfortable about it shows that you don't have this kind of connection with the guy.  If you felt comfortable with him then it would just flow.  Maybe later on, that connection could develop.

[justwhoiam]

What Gaeta wrote is worth considering, but I wouldn't make myself that vulnerable so early on, without even knowing this guy's intentions.

[mark clemson]

Perhaps it's different for someone with anxiety issues, but my thought would be if you "lock up" then clearly you're not ready to reveal/discuss whatever it may be. When you feel comfortable enough with the person to reveal these things you'll (perhaps) get past the freezing up.

Presumably these are things you can and should continue to work on with your therapist/psychiatrist.

[justwhoiam]

13 hours ago, Resess said:

he opened up a lot. ...

I froze up when he called me. ...

how do you go about telling someone that some of the worst things that could happen to a child or woman has happened to you? When is it normal to tell people those things? ... Any advice? 

There are things I haven't told anybody. When I mentioned what if there were things you knew about me that are unpleasant (I don't remember the words I used exactly anymore, but you got the sense), things regarding my past... and he said: whatever is in your past is in your past, I don't have to know about it. That solved the situation for me, as I didn't have to lie or anything, I didn't have to talk about it, but we talked about everything else (past relationships, dates, relationship with my father, etc.)

That said, it seems like you need that kind of support with the person you decide to share your life with. As others say, now it's too early. If there are things you can't watch/see, you have a peculiar response, body reaction etc., just say that you are uncomfortable with this and that and in due time you might explain why. Don't add too much to it, because people can be curious and try to discuss the topic when you're not ready yet.

So what can you do in the meantime? Your family's not very supportive and the friend you told us about is not a great listener. Do you have any other friend? You can come here and let it out. You sound quite balanced to me, despite being anxious. So it seems like you're dealing with everything the best way you can. You can also private message me if you want.

[Lotsgoingon]

Hmmmmm ... I mean, in some ways your question itself presumes that the trauma is the most important thing about you.

People don't date us out of being nice to us because we have had trauma. They date us because they like us and our lives and our energy and so on. They continue to date us because the gifts we bring to a relationship outweigh effects of trauma. I'm a little worried that you seem to suggest that the trauma is the most important thing about you. 

What are your other qualities that are worth something dating you for? You have them. You are not just the trauma. Just keep in mind: he has his problems and struggles as well. Might not be as tightly defined as "trauma" but we all have demons. You're not expecting him to tell you of all his demons right away right? And if you like it, it' s not because he has demons and struggles. 

Now, to get more detailed, you don't open up all at once. You gradually open up. You open up a tiny bit and see how the other person responds. If they respond well, you open up more. You can just start by saying you had a tough childhood. Or that your family has some problems. Keep it at that. No need to give him detail until he EARNS your trust and shows he can handle what you want to say. 

The fullest trauma: I don't know. There is trauma in my family that has affected me. I get to it. But it naturally just comes up. But the full details of things, there is absolutely no need to tell these until you feel rock-bottom secure. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/11/2023 at 1:21 AM, Resess said:

 I don’t want to run this guy off by telling him too soon, but I also don’t want to not open up and run him off that way too. 

A good person will probably be fine with whatever you eventually tell them. So you're not going to "run anyone off" by having some issues, but too much too soon is a cause for concern.

Pouring your heart out about extremely personal and sensitive topics to a complete stranger is more of a red flag than simply having some issues.