Seeking a trustworthy partner

[bjess]

Im new in here and I am a 36/m. I'm [looking for advice on] how to find a person (female) to be friends first, know each other, culture, values and someone like a best friend and then go where it takes. I hope this forum helps me out

Edited April 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
LS is not a dating site

[justwhoiam]

[ ]  Can you tell us more about what you're looking for? Some casual company, a steady relationship, marriage? Did you try meeting people or dating in real life? People here will try to give you advice based on all that.

Edited April 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[bjess]

Hey,

Im actually looking for a person for casual company and friendship and later based on the chemistry that works out between us willing to escalate to steady relationship. I have tried dating sites but unfortunately dating sites especially in the region I stay around are people looking for one night stands. Thats clearly not my intension so opted out of that. Had a couple of other relationships that too did not turn wheel with time. [ ] 

 

 

Edited April 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
unrelated to LS

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, bjess said:

Im actually looking for a person for casual company and friendship and later based on the chemistry that works out between us willing to escalate to steady relationship.

I personally think you need to change that narrative. It will scare away most women. It's a speech often used by players. 

Are you recently out of a relationship that you sound so frighten by dating?

[bjess]

Oops....i really din think it would reflect that way......im a simple, down to earth person who beleives in living life to the fullest. I like to have someone with whom i can open up, vent out anything and everything, someone who dosent judge you and overall a good friend to get along. So what I meant is once the bonding works out relationship can be termed anythin....din mean to scare away. Im not against dating....but i belive knowing each other really well and then dating makes sense.......thats  like you can only date a person when the bonding perfectly works out between you both, you can directly date before knowing the person quite well: is what i beleive

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, bjess said:

you both, you can directly date before knowing the person quite well: is what i beleive

You get to know someone by 'dating them'. 

In your way of seeing things, that part where you get to know them really well before dating, does it include being intimate? 

You know dating is just that 'dating'. It's not because you decide to date only 1 woman exclusively that it means marriage. It takes 3-6 months of dating and concentrating on 1 person to get to know their basic. 

[Alpacalia]

Wanting to start with casual company and friendship before potentially escalating to a steady relationship is a legitimate desire for many people.

I'm guessing a player would write something like: "I'm looking for someone to have a fun, casual relationship with and see where it goes. I'm not looking for anything serious, so hit me up if you're interested!"

Do you have an interest in dating several people simultaneously? What activities and interests do you have? What kind of woman would you like to meet?

[Gaeta]

I came across many men that when they said 'lets be friends first' it meant friends that are having sex together. 

The woman interpretes tis as he really wants to be friends, then when it escalates to sex she thinks something more is developping but it's not. 

A better wording would be to tell the truth: which often is -l'm not over my ex. 

Edited April 12, 2023 by Gaeta

[basil67]

Back in my dating days, the guys who had the potential to be "best friends" were the ones I didn't want to have a physical relationship with.  I fear your approach will doom you to permanent friendzone, watching your "best friend" fall in love or having sex with other men.  

Are you open to starting out with a proper romantic relationship with the right woman?

 

[Alpacalia]

Ah, yes. In matters of the heart, it's often the woman who sets the tempo and charters the course for the relationship.

Not every guy is the same and while men may have certain goals in mind, it's ultimately up to the fairer sex to determine the pace and direction of the relationship. After a month or so of dating, the woman sends the guy signals to "giddiup".

So yes, it's quite unexpected!

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, bjess said:

 dating sites especially in the region I stay around are people looking for one night stands. 

There's a few approaches. One is joining some groups, clubs, volunteering, taking some classes and courses and broadening your social horizons, both to make friends and meet men. 

Also get a good profile and pics on quality (at least one paid) apps and start talking to and meeting men. A one night stand is not going to happen unless it's what you want.

 

 

[FMW]

I've never understood planning relationships before even meeting someone.  I've never used dating sites trying to purposely meet someone either.  Either I connect with someone I happen to meet or I don't.  Beyond getting out there and doing things that allow you to meet lots of people, relaxing and being yourself and being open to getting to know people, I wouldn't have too many preconceived notions of how things will go.   Otherwise, another person also specifically looking to find a relationship isn't likely to appreciate the "let's be friends first" plan.

[Giovane]

To be honest, I find your question a bit confusing. Are you looking for a long-term relationship, i.e. a „significant other“, or for a friend? From what you write, I gather that your preferred option seems to be something in between: somebody who will be a friend first, and then later become a partner? This is oddly specific. I think you will have a hard-time trying finding that, because it can‘t be forced. If there is a strong attraction, one or both will not want to be friends first, but to „date“, in order to check out whether the other person could be a long-term partner or not. If there is no strong attraction, you may do things together and become friends, but how do you want to purposely turn this into an intimate relationship later? You need to decide what you really want, because it will make your search easier.

In my experience, apps are not the best way to make friends. The place to get to know people is what some people call „real life“. (What a strange distinction.) You connect to people via direct interaction, by talking to them and doing things together. You either „vibe“ with other people or you don‘t, and when people that have vibed seek each other out because they want to do more things together, then they become friends.

Where do you get to meet people that you can interact with „in real life“? Do stuff! Hobbies. Pick up dancing, pick up bouldering, learn how to cook and take classes, join board or card gaming groups… And if you know what you‘re interested in but don‘t know how to meet other people with the same interests, then check out websites like meetup, or local Facebook groups relevant to your hobby.

I‘ve been on apps since about 2008, I went there every time I was single, and in all those years it yielded exactly one ONS and a couple of irrelevant first dates. In terms of friends - not a single one.

I met my last two girlfriends outside of apps, via mutual hobbies. The same goes for people who have become friends.

[bjess]

On 4/12/2023 at 1:19 AM, Alpacalia said:

Wanting to start with casual company and friendship before potentially escalating to a steady relationship is a legitimate desire for many people.

I'm guessing a player would write something like: "I'm looking for someone to have a fun, casual relationship with and see where it goes. I'm not looking for anything serious, so hit me up if you're interested!"

Do you have an interest in dating several people simultaneously? What activities and interests do you have? What kind of woman would you like to meet?

Firstly im not a player.....im sorry if i did sound like one though.....i don not have a interest in dating sevral people simentanuosly. I like travelling, writing, reading, photography, knowing cultures and so on.

I would like to meet a person who is vibrant,dynamic,open hearted, who has a mordern outlook towards life. Age or other parameters are never a concern. " A genuine heart in a genuine soul" thats precisely it.

 

I primarily intend to know the person and gradually escalte the relationship to a steady one as you rightly said.  

[bjess]

On 4/12/2023 at 4:55 AM, basil67 said:

Back in my dating days, the guys who had the potential to be "best friends" were the ones I didn't want to have a physical relationship with.  I fear your approach will doom you to permanent friendzone, watching your "best friend" fall in love or having sex with other men.  

Are you open to starting out with a proper romantic relationship with the right woman?

 

I am definetly opem to starting a proper romantic relationship with the right woman. I dont judge a women by parameters like age. Just seeking someone dynamic and vibrant who can partner ahead.

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, bjess said:

Firstly im not a player.....im sorry if i did sound like one though.....i don not have a interest in dating sevral people simentanuosly. I like travelling, writing, reading, photography, knowing cultures and so on.

I would like to meet a person who is vibrant,dynamic,open hearted, who has a mordern outlook towards life. Age or other parameters are never a concern. " A genuine heart in a genuine soul" thats precisely it.

 

I primarily intend to know the person and gradually escalte the relationship to a steady one as you rightly said.  

I wouldn't jump to conclusions about you based on just a few words. I have no idea what that might imply, which is why I used the term "guessing".

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, bjess said:

Firstly im not a player.....im sorry if i did sound like one though.....i don not have a interest in dating sevral people simentanuosly. I like travelling, writing, reading, photography, knowing cultures and so on.

I would like to meet a person who is vibrant,dynamic,open hearted, who has a mordern outlook towards life. Age or other parameters are never a concern. " A genuine heart in a genuine soul" thats precisely it.

I primarily intend to know the person and gradually escalte the relationship to a steady one as you rightly said.  

See how many women here wrongly interpreted your opening post? So if you use that same language online you will come across the same way you have here. 

Now, this description here in bold is way better than the one you gave in your opening! This is a description that would make me want to know more about the person behind the profile. I online dated for many years and if there is a word you don't use with women (women looking for serious dating) it's the word <friend>. Leave that out of your vocabulary. 

[basil67]

I very much like your new description!    Now, are you open to women who aren't interested in starting out platonically?  If so, I'd recommend changing your wording around that too

[Wiseman2]

On 4/13/2023 at 3:38 PM, bjess said:

. Age or other parameters are never a concern. 

This would be the best place to start screening and filtering. First set up your distance criteria and age criteria. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available women.

You could also join some groups and clubs, volunteer, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons to interact regularly in person.

Your criteria at this point seems too vague. "vibrant,dynamic,open hearted, who has a mordern outlook towards life". This could describe anyone or no one. It seems like you're casting too wide of a net.

Instead, mention things about yourself and your lifestyle and interests so like-minded women will respond. Without a realistic description of yourself, women won't respond to a generalized list of desired qualities you're looking for.

After you narrow down who's available in your area, you can mention your interests and hobbies on a dating profile and/or join groups and clubs which reflect your interests.