Need words of strength

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Generally a person doesn't choose to move back in with someone that they (actually, sincerely) wish would get hit by a car. Doing something like that would presumably be in the realm of sociopaths and so forth.

I agree with Mark on this.  My husband and I know a man who constantly talks down about his wife and how he can't stand her.  Yet this man is jealous of any man who comes near her.  If he really felt that way about his wife (die in crash) he wouldn't tell you for fear of what you would think of him.  His anger at her is fueled by passion.  I wouldn't be surprised if at the very root of his cheating is to get back at her.

[S2B]

58 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree with Mark on this.  My husband and I know a man who constantly talks down about his wife and how he can't stand her.  Yet this man is jealous of any man who comes near her.  If he really felt that way about his wife (die in crash) he wouldn't tell you for fear of what you would think of him.  His anger at her is fueled by passion.  I wouldn't be surprised if at the very root of his cheating is to get back at her.

Narcissists also do this.

some m n love strong women but LOVE to overpower them - then put them down to try and control them. 

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, SallyJo said:

He told me this years ago before he left her and he told me this again, less than 2 weeks ago when we talked last.  So, he's been feeling this way for years and it hasn't changed?  He wishes she would die in a wreck but he stays with her, thinking it.  His exact quote was "if I've thought it once, I've thought it a 1000 times."  

I agree it seems pretty strange that he could feel this way and also go back to her. Maybe it's just hyperbole or he's simply lying to you? Maybe it's just a casual thought/fantasy he has when he feels down about his life/marriage that goes away when things improve? Dunno.

It certainly seems strange if someone would actually feel this way and actually go back the person. I doubt that's the case, but - well, some people are kind of strange.

[SallyJo]

On 4/16/2023 at 3:52 PM, BaileyB said:

 

As was said above, when you are reminiscing and missing the “good times,” think about that statement - because that is messed up. This is not a man that you want in your life - at least, not me.

You are 100% correct.  Thank you for putting it that way.  It's not that it didn't get me when he said it or I didn't think about it--especially the fact that he told me the same thing the last time that we spoke.  I think that maybe the first time that I said it, I thought it was just him trying to say that he wanted out because I thought he was leaving for good.  Since he said it months before he actually left, I guess I didn't take it as I should have took it.  But, the fact that he said again years after going back to her, after choosing to move back into the house with her and make a life with her instead of me, the second time he said it really hit me a lot harder and made me realize more of what I was dealing with.  

I feel like I have been doing ok.  I've been keeping busy and not allowing myself to just sit and think about things too much.  Today has been a bit of a setback for me.  Not a setback in the way that I have made contact with him, just a setback in terms of how I feel.  I have been angry and moody today and when I think about him, I am so very mad.  I know that I cannot expect to just forget about him but it's rough when you have a decent day where you feel like you can get through it eventually and then you have the next day where you feel like you just can't do it.

[SallyJo]

On 4/16/2023 at 4:53 PM, stillafool said:

  His anger at her is fueled by passion.  I wouldn't be surprised if at the very root of his cheating is to get back at her.

I have thought this often as well.  From what I gather about his wife, she is very social and outgoing.  She has a lot of friends and he really doesn't.  He is more of an introvert and keeps to himself.  I think that there is probably a lot of jealously that she has such an active social life and he doesn't.  Then, if we are to believe him, she is actively participating in an open relationship.  She is meeting up with several different men and having active intimate relationships with them.  He was quick to try to get me to sleep with him again after she "gave him permission" to have other relationships as well.  I specifically asked him if he was doing it to get back at her.  Of course he said no, but I believe that is exactly why he was doing it, even more so than wanting to be with me or just having some extra sex on the side.  I think it was very much a way to get revenge on her so to speak.  If any of this that he told me is true, I don't think that she would have ever expected him to have sex with anyone else and that could be the reason that she gave him permission to do it.  I think he just wanted to show her that he could and I was the easy person.  Too bad it didn't work out for him.

[Wiseman2]

You got together with him when you were in a bad place. Follow up with your physician and therapist for an evaluation of where you are now, as far as the depression and anxiety.  Discuss the ruminating, moods and anger. It's always a good idea to fine tune treatment so that you feel well.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, SallyJo said:

Then, if we are to believe him, she is actively participating in an open relationship.

And that's just it - you have no idea if any of that is true. 

You know this man lies. And he lies a lot. I would not assume that the story he has sold you about being in an open relationship is necessarily accurate. Regardless, the only option here is to keep pushing forward with letting go. There will be good days and bad days. Over time, the bad days will be fewer and further between. 

[SallyJo]

I found out yesterday from a co-worker that he is quitting his job and going elsewhere to work.  Now, there will be no chance of running into him anywhere.  I know that it will be a good thing that we will no longer be working at the same place.  I didn't work closely with him but we worked in the same building so I would often see him standing outside or walking down the hall.  He would come into our office from time to time but there were never ever personal discussions--it was all work related and my other co-workers and/or boss were always around.  After a couple of weeks, I won't see him ever again.  So, why does it make me sad?  Why have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach?  It doesn't even make sense.  I am trying my best to heal.  I don't feel like I'm doing a great job but I'm trying anyway.  It's best for me that I don't look out the window and see him at work but it still makes me feel sad.  It's best for me that he doesn't walk in my office and I get to see him and smell him and hear his voice. I guess it's me holding on to something that I should not have been holding on to in the first place.  He doesn't really do social media so I won't be keeping up with him there.  You can't end something and still keep holding on forever.  This just makes it so much more final. I know it is for the best.  I just have to convince my heart of that.  

[stillafool]

Him finding a new job is a blessing that fell into your lap.  Now you have everything in place to move on from this infatuation.  When he's out of sight it will be so much easier to get over him.