My girlfriend spends time with her ex's guy best friend and his friends who have supposedly become her friends after his passing away and it's bothering me a little

[Pree96]

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 5 months now and we’ve know each for almost a year, we met at work she came in for her training for 4 months and we kinda hit it off and started to like each but both agreed once she completes her training we will take things further as we didn’t want to date at work. 

We talked basically everyday through text and at work but the week after she finished her training I asked to take her out and she says she doesn’t think she’s ready for anything serious and needs to time to find herself first but she still wanted to take things slow and talk so as upset as that made me feel I respected it and stuck around until our communication just kinda started dying down. 

One she rung me up and told me she tried to stop two of her guy friends fighting and one of them hit her as she tried stopping them. She then claimed she feels horrible about the way I was slowly ghosted and didn’t have much communication and said she’s realised she feels more comfortable and safe with me and wants to takes things further and me giving her the benefit of the doubt and the fact I really like her agreed take take things further. 

 

So were basically one month in into our relationship and one day she came to stay over at mine after finishing her nightshift and she got a call the next morning from one of her friends saying that her ex killed himself, this absolutely shattered her because he was the last person he had messaged. She said they’ve been talking all night because he texted her saying he was going to kill himself so she tried getting him go home and tried to talk some sense into and said he finally told her he’s home but it was lie and he ended up taking his own life, she said she feels guiltily for his death and blames herself for it and I did everything i could to support her through this and have been there for her. 

 

Now straight after this happened I started to put together puzzles and figured out the time that I got ghosted or got told “I’m not ready for anything serious and need to find myself” she has been spending time with him. She then told me this guy was her ex who she still hung out with because he was depressed and she was trying help him get through this. She told me she felt stuck with him because he was manipulative and treated her like s*** and always voiced about suicide and claimed he was horrible to her but she still cared for him because he wasn’t well and this was the same guy that hit her when she tried to stop the fight. My girlfriends a people pleaser and she’s had a traumatic childhood herself so she feels the need to help everyone. 

 

Fast forward to 4 months after his death, there are days where she gets depressed and sad about him and she spends time with his friends which have become her friends too and I guess it’s a way for them to all vent and reminisce over him, but she sometimes spends time with his best friends too and goes over to his house where her ex used to live too. I do try be there for her and I can sense the days she’s not feeling well but she wouldn’t express fully what she’s sad about because she doesn’t want to bring it up infront of me and make me upset that’s she’s talking about her ex but all I want to be is just be there for her. 

 

Now after finding everything out about her ex which I only came to know off after he died, this made me heavily upset because I somewhat felt played at the start of this even though she said she felt stuck with him. Obviously I waited until things settled abit to bring this up and tell her how I felt and she again she said it wasn’t right what she and again said she just felt stuck with him. 

 

Now this was all overwhelming for me because this was my first relationship in a couple of years so I don’t really know how to handle this all and as much as I’m always there for her no matter what deep down it bothers me that she goes over and spends time with his friends and sometimes stays there overnight if they are all having drinks or something. I have expressed this to her and she did say it’s a way for them to all be together and reminisce about him which I understand but she said she can stop staying there if that makes it better. These people have become one of her regular friends now. 

 

My girlfriend does make time for me and we spent time together a lot and she said loved me and she wants a future with me. But I don’t know why it upsets me whenever she spends time with them and I know it’s wrong for me to think think that and makes me sound like a coward but I can’t seem to stop this feeling or know how to handle it. She said this has deeply affected her and will affect her for the rest of her life as she blames herself and thinks she could’ve done more to save his life and especially her being the last person he talked when he killed himself. 

 

I feel as if I’m overthinking this too much and I should learn to control these emotions because I can’t tell her to stop going there that’s not fair on her as that help so her grieve and I don’t want to be that type of boyfriend. Just feel abit lost right now. 

 

[JTSW]

Honestly, I do think you are being a bit insensitive here.

She's not doing anything bad, it just helps her to be with those who share her grief. 

She and his friends are a source of comfort to each other because they are grieving.

I would ask her to stop staying over though because she really doesn't need to, and offer to pick her up when she's ready.

Has she considered therapy?

[ShyViolet]

She has a lot of baggage and a lot of issues surrounding her ex that continue in her present life.  It certainly sounds like she is not over her ex and still very much hung up on him.  It seems like she is not 100% emotionally available to focus on a new relationship.  If this seems like too much, no one is forcing you to continue this relationship.  A lot of people would be scared off by this, and understandably.  

[Measure]

Not sure if you are really asking for advice or just venting but in general you are half handling this in the only way you can if you want to stay with her.  That is you are letting her grieve how she needs to grieve.  The half you aren't handling well is how it's affecting you.

I don't care what she says to you about how she felt stuck, or didn't really like him, yada yada.  That could all be lip service to make you happy.  The bottom line is somebody she shared herself with, especially very recently, died.  That will do a number on anybody.  It could very well take a very long time for her to finish her grieving process.  As in years.

It all boils down to whether or not you truly love this person and if you personally can handle her grieving process.  It wont be easy and it wont be pretty at times.  If it isn't true love with her you probably will not be able to hang.  Personally, if I "really liked" her or thought I loved her but it wasn't true, unconditional, love I would let her deal with her grief without me mucking it up by possibly getting upset or making demands.  I might check in from time to time, keep her for sex if she wants, but I wouldnt have a deeper relationship until she was ready.

If you decide to ride it out, as far as her sleeping at their house, if she's living with you then let her know that if she's going to be over night somewhere to please let you know ahead of time (calling you at 4am isn't ahead of time) so that you know she's safe.  

If she's not living with you then there's nothing you can or should do.  If you are worried she is, or will, sleep with someone else well don't.  There's nothing you can do about it.  If they are going to sleep with someone else all your b****ing and moaning and worrying isn't going to stop them.  Do yourself a favor and remove it from your mind.  Deal with it only if and when it enters your orbit.