Best way to handle a FWB when you have feelings

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, aleidig said:

then what do I do? Address the feelings with him? 

There is no point.

He knows how you feel. I doubt you need to hear him repeat what he's already told you, which is that this is not going to turn into something more. 

[aleidig]

These are the 2 texts he sent me

 

Things he said >> none of these are me talking

I don't have the answer. I never do. 

I have a great time hanging out. Youre sexy and we have fun. So obviously I'm interested and getting feelings as well. 

But I'm not ready to date. I still see I have my own *** to work out and be focused. 😕 Whenever I'm ready to date, I don't know what that looks like either. 
 

&

Being honest is tough. Lol it's not easy to talk about. I don't have the answer 

I guess selfishly in the past I had a hard time communicating what I want. And realistically, I probably won't "want" to end things because I don't like being alone. It's a anxious low confidence thing I'm working on lol 😳😳

So in the past people just end up dating someone and then someone is hurt. So I don't know the answer here. It's all lose lose win lose. 

Temporarily we are happy having fun and fulfilled but it takes time away from us finding where we need to be as well for our personal goals. 

Hopefully that makes some sense cuz I was really trying to explain. 

[MsJayne]

I've never seen the benefit in the Friends With Benefits thing, mainly because it allows people to behave exactly as your FWB is behaving, avoiding any and all responsibility for the emotional well-being of the other person. It's a way of having regular sex with someone with an eject button on hand just in case you suddenly get the ick. He's flattering you with the things you want to hear so that he can keep it going until he meets someone who he does want a relationship with, at which point he'll suddenly overcome his "anxious low confidence thing".  On the upside, at least he's not treating you with contemptuous disregard, he answers your texts. But that might be because he still has a use for you. 

[NuevoYorko]

I hope you understand what this guy was telling you.  Just because he included some "buzzwords" that you'll grasp onto ("Interested;" "getting feelings") he was crystal clear that there is not any point in you thinking about anything more than what you have going on right now.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Good grief. This guy has the communication skills of a preteen. 

That word salad just means what he has already told you: you two are not going to date. Stick around at your own risk. 

[aleidig]

I’m not sticking around 

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, aleidig said:

I don't have the answer. I never do. 

This tells me he's been asked these questions before by other FWBs who have tried to lock him down.  That is why he told you if you meet someone he will step away.  He expects it to end at some point.

[aleidig]

41 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This tells me he's been asked these questions before by other FWBs who have tried to lock him down.  That is why he told you if you meet someone he will step away.  He expects it to end at some point.

I’ve had fwb before and it worked fine bc they didn’t act like they were so into me. And worry what I do outside him. I wasn’t even allowed to tell him what I’m up to bc he said it makes him jealous and uncomfortable 🥴 

imo he crossed a line of acting like a boyfriend and he knows this and acknowledged it

 

and he also thinks we won’t be able to stop talking like this is a joke 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, aleidig said:

I’ve had fwb before and it worked fine bc they didn’t act like they were so into me. And worry what I do outside him. I wasn’t even allowed to tell him what I’m up to bc he said it makes him jealous and uncomfortable 🥴 

imo he crossed a line of acting like a boyfriend and he knows this and acknowledged it

 

and he also thinks we won’t be able to stop talking like this is a joke 

I'm sorry.  He's probably the type who sweet talks all of his FWBs to make the sex more intense and that is why he told you "I don't have the answer, I never do", because those girls fall for him too and they also want to know why he won't be exclusive with them.  Of course he doesn't want to hear about other guys when he's with you.  Do you want to hear about other girls when you're with him.  You can't control how he acts or what he says you just have to stick to your boundaries.  Maybe he likes to act like a bf when with a FWB without really being one and all that comes with that.  It's up to you to tell him to stop and he's crossing boundaries.  You didn't because like the other FWBs, liked it but didn't like that it wasn't going to lead to a relationship.

[aleidig]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry.  He's probably the type who sweet talks all of his FWBs to make the sex more intense and that is why he told you "I don't have the answer, I never do", because those girls fall for him too and they also want to know why he won't be exclusive with them.  Of course he doesn't want to hear about other guys when he's with you.  Do you want to hear about other girls when you're with him.  You can't control how he acts or what he says you just have to stick to your boundaries.  Maybe he likes to act like a bf when with a FWB without really being one and all that comes with that.  It's up to you to tell him to stop and he's crossing boundaries.  You didn't because like the other FWBs, liked it but didn't like that it wasn't going to lead to a relationship.

Yeah he’s def a sweet talker and it just doesn’t work for me. I’m glad I said sometning though normally I would wait for the person to leave me 

[aleidig]

Then would lie and say he only talks to me this way yadda yadda just too messy. Never again. 

[Weezy1973]

@aleidig Why are you just interested in having FWB instead of dating with the intention of getting into a relationship? 

[aleidig]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

@aleidig Why are you just interested in having FWB instead of dating with the intention of getting into a relationship? 

I thought I could just have fun but feelings developed quickly 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, aleidig said:

I thought I could just have fun but feelings developed quickly 

Most women do.  That's why the FWB set up works better for men than women.  Women tend to bond after sex.  Men can compartmentalize.  A lot of women like a specific guy and will enter a FWB set up in hopes that it will lead to a relationship.  It rarely does.

[aleidig]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Most women do.  That's why the FWB set up works better for men than women.  Women tend to bond after sex.  Men can compartmentalize.  A lot of women like a specific guy and will enter a FWB set up in hopes that it will lead to a relationship.  It rarely does.

I honestly thought I’d be ok that way. But I expressed my feelings over and over 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, aleidig said:

I’m not sticking around 

Good. It's going to save you a lot of heartache in the end to stop all of this now. 

[central]

Umm, you've only been seeing him for 6 or 7 weeks now? IMO, that is rather soon to expect much from him. Yes, sometimes I could know in that time if I wanted to be exclusive, but it usually took longer. I don't thing 3 months is too long to take to figure it out. Even after that, problems can be discovered that end the relationship, so it's best not to rush things. Your pushing for more so soon may be a red flag for him, especially given that this started as FWB. Of course, you can end it and move on at any time you like.

[NuevoYorko]

28 minutes ago, aleidig said:

I honestly thought I’d be ok that way. But I expressed my feelings over and over 

Please don't do this to yourself again.   These "feelings" don't have a place in a casual hookup situation.  Since you tend to go there, it seems obvious that you don't need to be doing this.  

 

 

[aleidig]

25 minutes ago, central said:

Umm, you've only been seeing him for 6 or 7 weeks now? IMO, that is rather soon to expect much from him. Yes, sometimes I could know in that time if I wanted to be exclusive, but it usually took longer. I don't thing 3 months is too long to take to figure it out. Even after that, problems can be discovered that end the relationship, so it's best not to rush things. Your pushing for more so soon may be a red flag for him, especially given that this started as FWB. Of course, you can end it and move on at any time you like.

I don’t want more right now , I’d want it eventually 

 

and HE said even when he’s ready to date pretty much I’m not in that picture 

[FMW]

Maybe he enjoys having an affectionate and friendly relationship, but doesn't want to have any responsibilities or commitments.  It doesn't  have to mean he's lying or playing a game.  It seems like he's been very honest with what he's telling you, believe him.  I don't really see where he's done anything wrong, it comes down to you having to see the situation clearly and make the right decision for you.  Don't see his physical and verbal ("babe"") affection as being an indication he's got more to offer you than he has told you.  Most certainly don't hang on thinking that affection means he just doesn't realize he wants you as a girlfriend.  

In this situation, believe what he's telling you, not your interpretation of his actions.  

[Alpacalia]

Come on, set the bar a bit higher. Relationships involve more than just physical activities such as holding hands, embracing, smooching, and snuggling. 

He was very clear about what he wanted: the convenience and advantages of a relationship without any of the commitment. He even explicitly said that he wanted you solely for sex and pleasure.

His behavior may not be popular, but it's not confusing: you're the one who's misinterpreting his actions. He didnt “do those things” you gave those things to him. All he's doing is showing physical attraction, nothing more. They’re just enjoying the moment and the physical touch.

Someone who's willing to get into a committed relationship with you will do more than this.

If you’re cool to keep it casual, that’s fine, but you need to date other guys so you don’t catch feels and end up hurt.

Edited April 15, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, aleidig said:

I don’t want more right now , I’d want it eventually 

So ... don't EVER start off pretending you're "FWB" while you're harboring the fantasy of that developing into a relationship.

1 hour ago, aleidig said:

 

and HE said even when he’s ready to date pretty much I’m not in that picture 

That's pretty much the norm.  In general, men who are interested in a committed relationship with a woman do not begin with a hookup arrangement.

Of course, there are also many many circumstances where a person was interested in somebody as a potential partner, but realized that it really wasn't happening - and still continued to have sex because it was available.

That's not what happened with you.  You've always said, in all your threads and various usernames, that you and this guy were FWB.  So it was on the table the whole time.

[aleidig]

Now he text me saying 

 

Quote

I'm not saying go away but we do need space to do our own thing and let feelings detach some. :/. I like talking a lot.

 

[mtnbiker3000]

Happiness and peace are states of mind that only you can provide for yourself! It sounds like you are looking for these things from other people for some reason. FWB, steady boyfriend or husband, it matters not! Give the power to someone else and they will seemingly provide what you need/want... and take it away just as quickly - intentionally or unintentionally, consciously or subconsciously!

[Allupinnit]

29 minutes ago, aleidig said:

Now he text me saying 

 

 

If you have any chance of not getting hurt very badly by this guy you need to block his number and stop seeing him.  He has told you that he's using you as an emotional tampon ("I like to talk a lot") and sex toy.

I did this to myself once.  It took me a long time to get over, too.  He wanted the girlfriend experience while he went through his divorce and I thought there was NO WAY he couldn't be feeling the same things, he even took me out shopping and for dinner on my birthday, flowers.  The sex was incredible and we laughed til our sides hurt.  Went to concerts, wineries.

After we parted ways (I asked for a commitment after a couple of months) he came back and I got hurt again.  Don't do it, don't play nice, either.  Tell him it's too late for just friends and you need to move on, NOW.  Women can't go on dates with other men while they're intimate and hoping for a r'ship with the one they really want, it will never work, you'll always want it from him.  BTW we are built this way and it's nothing to be ashamed of.  Our culture tells us we should be able to pull it off but FWB only beneftis men and we're most often left holding the proverbial back of crap when it ends.  

Respect yourself and don't lower the bar to keep him around in the minimal capacity he wants while he takes up rent in your head with his childish texts.

Edit:  I've also come to realize that a LOT of men LIKE it when you fall for them, anyway, they treat this whole thing as an ego boost.  They LOVE it when you fall for them even when they give you the caveat speech right up front.  It's all a game to them and that's why they're called players, you can bet he brags to his friends about you, too.

Edited April 15, 2023 by Allupinnit